i want money, power and glower @lil-stingyy - Tumblr Blog

my new hobby is listening to my cat’s purring through my sister’s stethoscope

lol what’s going on

I’ll be 20 in a couple of minutes and I still don’t know what makes me happy.

is it academic achievements?

music?

making other people happy?

being liked by everyone?

material things?

praises?

i swear i don’t know.

And i feel like after all the struggles I’ve been through, all the promises I’ve made to myself, I still did not learn anything. I’m still this child, scared, with nothing to fight for. I’m still this pretentious, smiling girl, who’s actually broken inside. And it’s going on for 20 years already. And i just want all the pain to stop that’s why i keep going on with the flow despite being stuck with the thoughts of being irrelevant.

And I don’t know if I’ll be proud of myself for going on or be disappointed because I still keep going without letting go of my toxic behaviours.

20 is not that young, but also not that old. That’s why I found myself in the cycle of blackness and raging fires of inspiration.

I wish I’ll finally think of myself as someone who is enough. That’s my wish, again. And I’ll keep on wishing for it until I can stop :)

I'm back with a cat https://www.instagram.com/p/CHPNcNeHXHL/?igshid=o6j46y5bq78g

idk bout you but I’m in love with oliver on how to getaway with murder

i really hate studying but i love the feeling of coming across something interesting and then you obsess over it and youre just amazed, like: how.

my mom started watching glee and i have class but i panicked when i heard them sing “sing” by mcr and stormed outside to watch. it was at that moment i realized i’ll never get over my emo phase

sometimes, my brother (my father’s son before he married mom) just crosses my mind and i hope he’s okay and someday, i can meet him

i just forgot about being a special science student in junior high school, but remembered it as i read a lot about science, technology and society- i actually did loved science- i still do- just, science is amazinggg

i’m touched

i just won a prize on our online activity for making it to the top 5. It’s either cash or mobile data sufficient for a couple of days of online learning. i asked my prof to just give it to other students who need it.

moments passed and someone slid to my dms thanking me since he badly needed it.

i just-

i need to win more so i can help more huhu

home

take me back to the time when my sweat dripped as I sweep the floor 15

oh everything was so easy before 10

now both of my eyes hurt as i have to work on these papers 15

trust me when i say that growing up hurts 10

i miss my older brothers, my sister 10

that only comes home when it is summer

my mom and dad, i hope they’re doing fine 10

i have to call them if i got the time

i can’t help but think that i actually grew up all alone 15

if i couldve been a better daughter, i shouldve stayed home 15

im sorry for going away

im sorry for moving so far away

im sorry for not being okay

when all you ever wanted was for me to stay

cold

in the end we fall apart, part

but ill never forget you baby

yeah. yeah yeah yeah

we’ll just go back to the start, art

oh it was cold and rainy, but we’re both in this together baby.

yeah yeah yeah yeah

oh yes we did try,

cross my heart and hope to die

you made me feel the truth in life

no, we don’t want to

let them get us, let them cage us

we have to live here, run too fast

we’re reckless, we’re careless but honestly

i don’t want to lose you

all too well with the wind blowing me away. im depressed. i got no concept of time and reality, i just drift away day by day hoping things will go back to normal. i wish i could compose a song or do something producrive and not just rot with my dark thoughts. i just cried myself to sleep last night and it’s hard because my im sharing my room with my sister and i have to keep quiet or else she’ll know. i have no grasp of the lessons we had. oh how terrible it is to live in a historically significant era with this void of a mind

me walking alone (because i have no friends) with the leaves crunching beneath my feet

going nowhere, getting lost

ive got what i wanted but at what cost

feeling derailed, i am broke

will never find my way in this thick smoke

must shut my mind for a while

or maybe i should call my bestfriend, kyle

i’m sorry for breaking your heart

but i can’t save myself, so i can’t save you

we might be inches apart

but it doesn’t change, nothing’s true

this pandemic got my mind messed up

in short, i’m depressed.

and i don’t know why.

this is what i wanted (not he pandemic, you dumb, but), the feeling of being safe at home, unlimited food, fast internet connection, complete family (even my sister’s home!).....

but

nothing feels nice anymore.

i have all my instruments, the violin, the piano, the guitar, but i’m not interested in making music anymore.

i have everything i need to write a poem or compose a song, but i can’t even focus in a single activity

i have paint and i can paint on anything but- i can’t.

it’s a very unsettling feeling. like nothing makes sense anymore.

i know i know i know

i’m too privileged to feel this way, some would even say i’m just bored, but it’s different, i just, urgh

i know i complain about everything but honestly, i’d probably choose the very busy life of a college student than spend a very long time with my mind in the middle of a pandemic.

I JUST HATE MY MIND SO MUCH IS THERE NO BUTTON TO LIKE, SHUT IT OFF?????

i’m scared and panickky. i’m scared of i don’t know, i’m scared because i’m too relaxed??? while others are dying??? i don’t know!!! I’m scared because i’m losing interest in everything i love and i started hating myself again!!!!

i hope you guys are ok and doesn’t feel the same way.

also, i started learning korean on duolingo to at least do something productive and gain new knowledge.

i hope everyone’s ok and have an amazing government that takes COVID-19 seriously.

love from the PH

this is me drinking tea, while my school works echo in my mind and yes i look dead

lyrics that spoke to my soul

I am stuck in a world of fear

with things terribly different down here

i try to shout i try to speak

but what in the world do i even seek?

i don’t know, when will i even know??

would someone actually try to tell me which direction i should go

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i want money, power and glower