We are the Reckless, We are the Wild Youth

Lila Eaton. 21. Biochemistry. Baby Mama. Unlucky in love. Got my Saving Grace.

[ivc-spilledink]

every day you send me a silent message, saying that you’re not coming back, and i’m happy for you, because i am not, too. and although it’s a little bit sad how we used to tell each other not to leave and now we’re just fine with each other not ever coming back, i know in my heart that there are things that i couldn’t risk losing again, so, this is it– goodbye.

Irally Cariaso, Endings (via ivc-spilledink)

@a-wickham

[lila-eaton]

The Therapy Notes: Andrew Eaton

Father, 

I hate that you have enough power over me that my fingers have been itching to write this letter. We haven’t spoken in six months, and I haven’t missed you a single day, but suddenly you’re all I can think about. So here it is: 

I have a daughter now. I won’t tell you her name because you don’t deserve to know it. She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and for the first time in my life, I truly get it. All these years, I’ve been thinking there was something wrong with me - that I wasn’t enough. Even when I fought you, even when I pretended I didn’t care, I did. 

But now I have a daughter of my own, and I realize the problem never was with me. It was with you. A daughter is the best goddamn gift the world can give you, and if you can’t realize that, then you are a sorry and miserable man who never deserved one in the first place. 

My daughter will be different. She will know she is loved every day. I will make sure of that. Her father will make sure of that. He’s more of a man than you will ever be. 

I spent so long searching for the love you never gave me. And I looked in a lot of the wrong places. I think I finally found it. But the really fucked up this is: you’re still the voice in the back of my head, telling me that I’m not worthy of it. And you don’t deserve to know all the pain that’s putting me through, but there it is. The truth. You fucked me up and I will never forgive you for it. 

But I’ll let you in on another secret. I will survive it. I will beat it. Because I won’t allow you to have that kind of power over me anymore. You are just sad, pathetic, weak little man, and I am a giant who won’t be felled by the likes of you. If there’s one good thing you taught me, it’s to always get back up. And I will.  

Because I have my daughter. And the love of a good man that one day I’ll learn to accept. For now, I accept myself as the mother of a beautiful daughter. And one day, I will accept myself entirely. And on that day, I won’t think of you at all. 

So goodbye, Father. 

With one last, almighty Fuck You, 

Lila 

(p.s. I heard mom left you. Good for her. I hope you die alone.) 

[gabeandrews]

He didn’t know how to describe how she looked like. Should he begin with her physical appearance? Should he pay attention to the bags under her eyes (everyone in college has them anyway)? Should he mind that he could barely call that a smile, compared to the one she wore the first time she held Grace? School work kept Gabe from researching on whatever Lila’s going through, so it’s safe to say that he walked into the room unprepared. He only hoped that she’d excuse him for it, because he wasn’t here to diagnose her or lecture her or tell her how to get through this shit. He’s here because he had to see how she’s doing, he had to make sure she’s alright, he had to make sure she’s still herself. He had to see her.

Gabe chuckled softly. "But have you been eating properly?” He sat down, brushed his fingers on her hand, before looking back up at her. “Who… who got this room for you?” As far as Gabe knew, Maia doesn’t have a clue she’s in here. “Doesn’t it get lonely in here? Have they been taking good care of you? Do they serve you good food?” Questions started to flow out of his mouth, his protective feeling of her getting the better of him.

[lila-eaton]

His concern was touching, in a way that made her heart soar and drop into the pit of her stomach at the same time. It felt nice, to have someone worry, but they were also new parents, and worrying was basically all they did nowadays. She hated that she had piled on even more. “Yeah, they threatened me with the feeding tube if I didn’t,” she joked sardonically, her typically quick humor having taken a dark turn along with her outlook. But Gabe deserved better than her old ways of defensive humor, so she softened instantly. “My eating’s been fine. Doesn’t mean I feel like it, but I know I’m here to get better. I’m not going to let something stupid like food get in the way of that.” 

She listened patiently as the questions spouted out of Gabe’s mouth, a special kind of fondness for him growing in her chest at what an undeniably Gabe thing it was. “The food’s fine,” she shrugged, starting backwards. “The nurses are patronizing, but the doctor’s okay. Sometimes it gets lonely, but it gives me time to think. Other times, I talk with the other patients - to varying degrees of success. And I spoke with Max - he’s in the psychology department - and he talked to a professor who gave me a recommendation. And, um, I got in contact with my mom. She’s left my dad and she’s gonna foot the bill here. I told her to come visit as soon as she gets a chance....” 

It had been a huge step, calling her mother. Their relationship had always been distant - her fault, she knew - but in the pits of her despair, she just felt like a child herself, one who desperately needed a mommy to make it all better. And she was glad she did make that step, that she reached out across that chasm, because it turned out her mother was just waiting on the other side, looking for some way to cross, too. 

[lila-eaton]

The Therapy Notes: Grace I

Dear Grace, 

One day you’re going to ask about the beginning of your life and I will tell you all about how you totally cockblocked your dad, and how the labor was agonizing, and how it was it all worth it when I held you in my arms for the first time. I’ll tell you all about how proud I was when I brought you home, and how for the first week I was in a delirious, but happy fog. 

And then there will be a gap, a long pause before I pick up somewhere down the road. Maybe I won’t be able to tell you the story about the first time you smiled. Daddy will have to take over in those parts, which is fine, because he’s always been better at stories. But as you listen, conjuring those stories into images in your head so real you could swear you actually remember them, I’ll be doing the same. Because chances are, I won’t have been there. 

I’ll have been here. Missing you every second. 

My doctor tells me I need to start writing things down. Getting everything straight in my head, and expressing how I’m feeling rather than bottling it up. (It’s your grandfather’s fault, and if I do anything right as a mother, you’ll be lucky enough to never have met him.) He - my doctor - says I should start writing letters, even if I never send them. And since you’re the one who’s always on my mind, I’m starting with you first. 

You, my Grace, were never what I expected out of life. I didn’t know what to expect, honestly. I was just a girl, who’d been looking for love in all the men who could never give it back to her. I was a bit of a slut, I’m ashamed to say, but it was only because the man my heart belonged to was too big an idiot to figure it out. I threw myself around and just hoped that one of them would stick enough to parade around as love. 

And that’s where your father came in. He was fun, and easy, and I connected with him instantly. (Not physically... that’s a story for another time.) We were just friends for a long time, and then something happened and suddenly, you. 

At first I thought you were going to spoil everything. The idiot I was in love with was finally starting to notice, and ‘baby with another man’ was a surefire way to kill whatever was happening before it really started. 

So maybe you did spoil everything, and maybe I could have been happy in that life, but this one, with you, is so much better. And I know that doesn’t mean much, considering I’m currently in a hospital dealing with ‘psychological issues,’ but it’s true. 

I’m here because I have so much hope for the future. The one with you in it. The one that only you could show me. I’m going to fix this. I’m going to get better. And soon, I’m going to be back with you. 

I love you so much. 

Yours forever and ever, 

Mommy 

[lila-eaton]

Text - Reagan and Lila

Reagan: I'm sorry. Please take care of yourself. Of course you need time to recuperate, please don't be embarrassed Lila, you have so much on your plate.

Reagan: I'll keep it to myself though, of course i'll help Gabe and don't feel guilty, you need to take care of yourself. That's important.

Lila: Thanks Reagan. I really appreciate it. You're welcome to come visit, though it's depressing as fuck here. Very... tranquil.

Lila: And you don't need to treat it like a secret or anything. If anyone asks where I've been, you can tell them so they don't think I'm avoiding them. I think that's actually better than me explaining it myself.

Lila: and I'm trying. I'm talking everything through with the doctors, talking in group sessions. I want to get better for Grace.

[lila-eaton]

Text:Lila

Maia: What happened to Aaron is not your fault. It's not anyone's fault, it's just unfortunate events that happened. Look I'm sorry for what happened between Aaron and I. I really am and I've hurt a lot of people because of it. I can't change what happened though, I'm sorry.

Maia: People do care about me and I care about them. But I will continue to be stubborn and not take the money from you. I don't need it.

Lila: ... I do still want to see you. I'm sorry I didn't visit you.

[lila-eaton]

Text:Lila

Maia: He's vulnerable? What about me, Lila? I'm going through a heartbreak. I've been in hospital for the past week. I've even been in Chicago with Aaron. Have you ever thought about me? Have any of you?

Maia: I can do what I want and I've changed the deal. I won't accept money from you.

Lila: I didn't want to speak for you! I'm here because I let other people dictate my narrative. I'm just telling you I made Aaron vulnerable.

Lila: Don't be stubborn, Maia! It's things like that that lead to you say stupid things like 'no one cares about you'... Which I don't accept, by the way.

[lila-eaton]

Text - Reagan and Lila

Reagan: omg Lila, are you okay? Do you need anything? I'll help gabe out with grace no problem, I'm sorry, I had no idea! Can I do anything? Does dash know he's been busy and away. Do you need him? I'm sorry for the questions I'm just worried

Lila: I’m okay. Or I will be. The doctors say it’s postpartum depression - the hormones plus the emotionally exhausting pregnancy took it out of me. Apparently I need time to recuperate.

Lila: I haven’t really told anyone. I’m sorta embarrassed about the whole thing. If you could just help Gabe with Grace that would be great. I feel guilty for not being there...

[lila-eaton]

Text: hey! So I stopped by your place and called and I've texted gabe and I just haven't heard from you and just want to check in and make sure everything is okay.

Text: yeah… I’m not there right now. I’m at an inpatient facility… Turns out I can throw a bigger tantrum than a one month old… Gabe’s been swamped taking care of Grace by himself….

[gabeandrews]

They say it’s normal for new mommies. They told him it’s what they call the postpartum blues. It’s the first time Gabe’s heard of it, so maybe it really was the best thing that she had to check herself into the hospital. He wouldn’t know what to do, how to help her, how to be present the way he’s supposed to. Stepping into her room, he flashed her a smile. Because even though he felt helpless to see her in this state, he was happy to see her today. “Hey,” he walked slowly to her and leaned to place a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring any food, any flowers, or any of those fancy stuff visitors bring in the movies.” @lila-eaton

[lila-eaton]

When she wasn’t meeting with doctors or having group therapy sessions, more often than not she was here, in her room, lying in bed as though if she had the patience, she could will the medications to start working and just feel her mood lift instantly. She knew that wasn’t possible, but all the nurses kept shoving the idea of Art Therapy down her throat, as though she were a child, and didn’t just have one. so in a fit of stubbornness, she’d decided to just do nothing. Sometimes she’d secretly write letters like Dr. Rivkin suggested - because that seemed more useful that pictures - but other times, she’d just stare at the ceiling, thinking about what a complete and utter failure she was. This was one of those moments. 

But Gabe felt like a ray of sunshine, even muted through her heavy clouds, so when he came, she managed the closest thing to a smile she had all day. “Hi,” she closed her eyes against the sensation of his lips upon her forehead. “It’s fine. I’ve not really been all that hungry, and I’d probably only cry when the flowers inevitably died...” It was her typical sardonic humor, but twisted by her current darkness. She just considered it a win that at least she was being honest. She’d promised that to Gabe. She intended to keep it. 

[sergeantalexhudson-blog]

Keep breathing // Lila&Alex

His brow was as furrowed as it could be stepping into the facility. It had all the makings of a hospital without actually being one. Thought it was a place of healing. Halting in front of the reception, Alex harked softly before speaking. “I’m here to see Lila. Lila Eaton.” He said, his voice a little strained, The sergeant tried not to look too much around. Places like these presented him with unpleasant memories he’d rather not visit. But he was here on a visit. To see his friend. To see how she was. Alex worried a lot for her these days, he wanted to make sure she knew she could count on him. He was given directions to Lila’s room, and thanked the lady before he left. Outside her door he paused, knocking softly before entering. “Hi there.” 

@lila-eaton

[lila-eaton]

Being in this place only intensified the feeling that all the walls were closing in on her. She hated it. She hated the nurses, with their patronizing smiles; the doctors, with all their talk about how what she was going through was ‘perfectly normal’ - she didn’t want to be normal, she wanted to be better. For herself. For Gabe. For Grace. Her daughter was really the only reason why she even tolerated it. Because she wasn’t going to get better on her own. She needed help. 

The doctor had suggested writing letters, to just about anyone she could think of. She didn’t have to send them, but the act of putting pen to paper would heal, Dr. Rivkin told her. And right now she was desperate for just about anything. 

Today, the letter was to her father, so it was only fitting that Alex Hudson should come knocking on the door. She knew that Alex and her father had a falling out, but there was still a part of her she couldn’t shake that had them inextricably linked. But she was trying. 

“Hi,” she smiled back, soft but genuine. That was the way everything seemed these days - always soft, always muted. “I, uh, what are you doing here?” Honestly, she hadn’t been expecting any visitors other than Gabe in a miserable place like this. 

[lila-eaton]

Text || Gabe 📲 Lila

Gabe: Good thing I'm talkative ^_______^

Gabe: She already knows that, but I will. And I'll give her a kiss for you.

Lila: Thank you.

Lila: I'm so sorry Gabe.

Lila: I do want to see you if you're still interested...

[lila-eaton]

Text || Gabe 📲 Lila

Gabe: I want to see you, that's it.

Gabe: It's gotten more difficult to calm her down. She wakes up in the middle of the night more often now. I think she misses your smell 😁😁😁

Lila: I want to see you too.

Lila: But I can't guarantee I'm much for conversation.

Lila: Will you tell her mommy loves her? Tell her I'm sorry.

[lila-eaton]

Text || Gabe 📲 Lila

Gabe: just got out of class. about to call Noah if he can babysit for a couple of hours. i wanna see you, if that's alright with you.

Lila: Not sure why you'd want to. It's been kinda weird today.

Lila: ... how's she doing?

[lila-eaton]

tag: @gabeandrews, @a-wickham, @maialancaster triggers: postpartum depression 

It’d been creeping in the back of her mind for weeks: the idea that things were going just a bit too well. And though she’d been trying her hardest to fight it, she’d been distancing herself. When Gabe said he wanted to spend time together as a family, she’d say she had a paper to write, and then hole herself up in her room and cry and stress and feel like a horrible mother. And other times, when she was alone with Grace and she was crying, Lila couldn’t help but cry along with her, wondering how young a daughter had to be before she could realize her mother couldn’t provide her with the stability she needed. She couldn’t help it. In the back of her mind, she was just waiting for that other shoe to drop. 

And then it did. And it started an avalanche. 

Gabe loved her. And while she knew deep down she felt the same, she couldn’t muster enough to say it back. She felt... hollow - like true, mad, deep love had been scraped out of her like a now empty carton of ice cream. And then she felt like a failure, because what kind of woman couldn’t love a man like Gabe, who was funny and kind and stood by her and gave her the greatest gift ever? What kind of heartless woman couldn’t say it back? 

Aaron left her. Or she left him. It didn’t matter. All she knew was that she was suddenly without the best friend she had ever had. And the worst part about it was that she really didn’t feel anything. She’d cried. She’d said her peace. And then it was just that familiar hollow feeling again. She hadn’t even bothered to tell anyone about it. She didn’t see the point. 

After the fight, she’d just picked herself up, taken a fifteen minute break to collect herself, and gotten back to work. It was mechanical. And it was a feeling that hadn’t left her since. 

To everyone else, she seemed perfectly fine. She’d smile. She’d laugh. She’d dote on Grace. But when nobody else was around, she’d fall apart. Sometimes she’d cry. Sometimes she’d scream. Other times, she’d just stare at the wall for hours, thinking about all the ways she’d inevitably fail Grace, and planning different ways of escaping. (She felt guilty for ever having held it against Gabe - she understood now.) 

Grace would be better off, anyway. She smiled more when Gabe was around - she clearly preferred her father. She’d always just squirm in Lila’s arms, and she was convinced that the child’s cries were just slightly more desperate when Lila was the one who tended to her. So maybe there was no such thing as too young to hate your mother... 

But it all came to a head one Thursday night. Gabe had a night class, and Kelsey had a date with Jared, and Lila and Grace were home alone. She’d just put Grace down for the night, and was browsing the web to try to stave off the pounding numbness in her head. She wasn’t sure why she did it, but she went to the Charlton Gossip page. And that’s when she saw it. 

Maia and Aaron slept together. 

She should have been furious. She should have been hurt. She should have felt something about that news, but she didn’t feel anything. The numbness had taken over everything. And in that moment she knew: she had to get away. It was for the best - for everyone’s sake. 

She started packing immediately. She’d leave before anyone had the chance to talk her out of it. They wouldn’t mean it anyway - it’d just be empty words. But her movements were loud and careless, and before she could realize it Grace had woken up. And started screaming in the way she only did when she realized there was no one but her mother to help her. 

The cry pierced her soul, made her head pound, scattered her thoughts, and made her lose direction. Packing. Grace. What do you want from me? 

“Stop crying!” she pleaded desperately, not going to her child, not going anywhere. Just standing in the middle of her room with her hands over her ears trying to block out the noise. “I can’t give you what you want! What do you want from me?” Her own cries now matched Grace’s. 

She wasn’t sure how long it went on - Grace crying, her pleading - but sometime later, the agony in her head was given reprieve when Gabe entered the room. She could only imagine the way it looks: Lila, cowering in a corner crying, while Grace was left screaming in her crib and a half-packed suitcase lay open on the bed. 

There were no words she could give. No explanation. All she knew was that there was something deeply wrong with her. 

She didn’t leave her little corner. She wouldn’t let anyone get near her. All she did was cry and rock herself, repeating the same phrase over and over again. “Something’s wrong with me. Something’s wrong with me. Something’s wrong with me.” 

[a-wickham]

Her words were hitting him and he didn’t know what to do. Tears wouldn’t stop streaming down his face and it was the first time he had cried in ages. He hadn’t even cried over his dad but this…this brought him more pain than he could have ever wanted. “N-no, Lila please, please, I can’t…I can’t lose you…I can’t.” His tone was desperate and he was full on crying at this point, his voice hoarse as he reached out for her. “I don’t hate you, I love you, I love you so fucking much, p-please don’t leave me, Lila. I need you, okay? I need you.” He was at the point where he was practically kneeling in front of her. “Y-you are home for me, though. You always have been. You’re my family, Lila. My family and I…I c-can’t…I can’t lose you, please I don’t know what I’d do.” He didn’t even know if his words were coming out right as some of them got caught in his throat. He took a hold of her hands and brought them to his lips. “Please don’t leave me, Lila. I can’t..I can’t do any of this without you. You mean the world to me. You mean everything to me. I love you so much, please.”

[lila-eaton]

The sight of Aaron breaking down in front of her, crying like his whole world was falling apart, would forever be one of the worst moments of her life. The vision would haunt her for as long as she lived. She wanted to take it all back - she was so close to - but she truly believed she was doing the right thing. It hurt like hell, but this was for the best. One day Aaron would see that. “I love you too,” she pulled him up to meet her eyes, but she didn’t let him go. “I love you enough to let you go. You have to let me go.” 

But she wasn’t ready yet. She allowed herself one last indulgence. She gave herself five more seconds in his arms. 

Five. 

She closed her eyes, trying to just commit every part of him to memory. 

Four. 

The smell of him. The way it had been her easiest comfort for so long. She used to joke that he stank - she never meant it. 

Three. 

The sound of him. Even through his sobs, she heard the steady beat of his heart in his chest. She remembered the sound of his laughter, which had always been so sweet; his snores when he fell asleep during their movie fests; each word that fell from his lips. She was never an artist, but from those noises she could compose a symphony. 

Two. 

The feel of him. All the nights she’d spent snuggled up next to him; she should have savored them more. The comfort of his presence; she would never even attempt to find another. Everything that just encapsulated him - her Aaron, her boy genius; she was grateful for every moment. 

One. 

And she stepped away. 

“You should go. You have a plane to catch...” 

[gabeandrews]

His gut feelings were right: this was another rejection. Except this time, he expected her to not say it back. He hoped she would, but experience and their situation led him to think what’s most likely to happen. He expected this, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He’s never felt so strongly like this to anyone, he’s never been in-love —-he’s never acknowledged the possibility of being in-love. But here he was, pouring his heart out, ready to get nothing in return. But just like the morning after their December romance, Gabe accepted it fully. Even though he doesn’t really understand why she can’t say it back.

Hang on, why can’t she say it back? This brought curiosity to his eyes and he had subconsciously squeezed her hand affectionately tight. “Wha–what do you mean you can’t say it back? You feel the same but you’re not sure of it? You feel the same but you promised it to someone else before me? You wanna say it back but the feeling isn’t mutual? What-what is it?“ He had to know. He needed to understand what’s stopping her. If it’s because there was something wrong with him, if it’s because he lacked something, then he’d know what to improve about himself. He worked his way to earning her trust again, who says he can’t do the same to improve himself?

But then again, people don’t fall in-love with you because of your efforts. That’s not how love always works. Looking back, it’s Aaron she picked over him anyway.

[lila-eaton]

She watched as his heart broke, the feeling hitting her like a thousand punches to the gut. She didn’t know how Aaron had ever survived it; she didn’t know if she could. She knew the risk that came from saying those words, the hurt that came from their rejection. They always were two bird of a feather, her and Gabe, reckless and fearless, always one foot over the precipice without a safety net. Her hand came up to brush away a stray lock of hair from his face. She knew it probably wasn’t fair, showing him these small tokens of affection when she couldn’t give him the one thing he truly wanted, but she needed him to know it wasn’t his love she was rejecting; it was her own. 

“It’s not you,” she assured him, squeezing his hand back instinctively while her other hand stroked at his cheek. “And I know that’s super lame, pulling the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing, but it’s true. There was just... a lot that happened last year. Things that had nothing to do with you.” She could sense his insecurity - it made her sick because Gabe had done more than enough to prove himself. With all the uncertainty in her life now, he was the one constant. “Things just got really out of hand. Everything with Aaron- I just, I can’t let that happen with you. Bad things happen when I say love. You are the one thing I am absolutely sure of, and I can’t risk that. Whatever... feelings, I have for you, no mater how strong, I can’t let them jeopardize what we have. But it’s not you,” she repeated. She needed him to know that. “I wish I’d met you first,” she admitted, echoing the words she’d said all those many months ago. But they were different now. Aaron didn’t own her heart, he’d just wrecked it. “I know you would have taken care of it better...” And I could have given it to you easily. I know that now.