Manipulations and Madness

[mrsfrollein-blog]

And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest Happy Birthday Chester Bennington

[mrsfrollein-blog]

[lilith-always]

[lilith-always]

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[lilith-always]

Feeling awfully alone...

Almost burst into tears at the bus stop, no real reason why - maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe my natural depressed shell simply can't handle the ache weighing my whole being down...

I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who could show compassion and might offer advice or try to comfort me. I was severely isolated before... Now my isolation is complete. Even in a crowded room I feel seperated from everyone.

I'm at a loss right now - and I know it'll gradually get better, but for now I guess I just have to push myself through life.

[confessions-of-sinful-loneliness]

I just want to sit on someone’s lap in my underwear and an oversized shirt and make out until we’re both so horny we’re delirious and then they can throw me down and fuck me until I’m trembling is that too much to ask?

[lilith-always]

So. Its my turn. I just got back from my best friend's funeral.

I wasn't his best friend, but he was mine.

Over the last week I've watched so many people publically mourn. I've resented people making his death a spectacle to gather more attention... I've bit my tongue, balled my fists, and choked back tears... But you know what?

When life was chaos - he knew he could stop by - no matter what - for a cup of coffee and a good conversation. I didn't stroke his ego or baby him - I told him when I thought he was screwing up, and I told him when I saw how hard he was trying to improve his life.

No matter what, I didn't condemn him... And he listened to my melodrama, made me laugh, and told me to shut up if I was being stupid.

I may not have been his best friend, but he was mine - and for 2 years - I offered him sanctuary and let him know he was always welcome.

He's dead now. I'm sad, yeah. I'm sad I felt so wildly out of place at his funeral. I'm angry his baby-mama wore flame red and kissed him during the eulogy -as if they had any sort of working relationship with each other. I'm sorry all I could do was offer him a cup of coffee - when he obviously needed so much more... But I'm happy to have met him, and to have had him in my life for 2 years.

I'll miss having someone to vent to, and I'll miss drinking coffee together. I'll wonder about all the things I said "no" to, and I'll remember all the support and kindness he showed me.

I was not his best friend, but he was mine.

[lilith-always]

@ali-bitch

[lilith-always]

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Found this posted on facebook. Restarting it here - everyone deserves to be safe.

[lilith-always]

Nothing matters...

Just remember. When I cry because I feel like I'm not important to you... When I'm feeling useless and ugly...

Saying "Nothing you do matters! Nothing I do matters" is fucking perfect.

Thanks for 11 years of insecurity.

[lilith-always]

Nightmares

I have nightmares about you encouraging relationships with people online - telling them how unsatisfied you are with me - how little I excite you... I had a dream last night that you had yet another side account - telling people how much you appreciated thier support and affection, how you couldn't wait to see them... All while I pay the bills, raise our daughter, make your food... I woke up realizing that it's fairly close to the truth... And I wish I hadn't woken up at all.