Death Wishes

Elena | 27 | Belgium | bi | In a relationship | Struggling with depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and recovering from PTSD | I do not promote self-harm, suicide, drug abuse, eating disorders or any mental illnesses | trigger warning

[ventcore]

"We are worthless, we are doomed" (...by Los Campesinos!) 04.02.2025

[lilithmaze1998]

I know I will die by my own hand

[vixvaporub]

Gokurakugai by Yuto Sano – Chapter 19 ⦿ Let’s Make a Suicide Pact

[crmsnmth]

Occupied Seat

The bar is loud enough to pretend I'm not alone laughter spilling over itself glasses clinking like small celebrations I wasn't invited to

I take my drink like medicine slow at first then like I'm trying to outrun the quiet inside my chest

There's a couple to my left sharing secrets in yelled whispers to my right a group of friends stacking stories on to of each other like they'll never run out

And me, I'm somewhere in between a ghost with a tab open nodding along to conversations no one's having with me

The bartender asks if I'm good and I say yeah, because it's easier than explaining how a room this full can feel this empty

Every sip dulls the edges but sharpens the truth I didn't come here for the drink I came for the noise for something to drown out the sound of my own thoughts softly calling my name

But even here under neon lights and borrowed songs I can still hear it

the quiet voice saying you don't belong anywhere you have to drink to feel seen

So I finish what's left leave cash on the counter and slip out unnoticed just another body that filled a seat and left it warm for someone else

[nothingd0ll]

my dad saw me pouring a generous amount of vodka into my redbull after therapy today and he was like "phew, rough session?"

no, dad, i just deserve a little drinky drink. leave me and my drinky drink smh

[fatlush]

That pathetic alcoholic behavior

where you only do something that is good for you if it means you'll be able to drink more.

"I haven't eaten anything today. I need to at least get something in my stomach before I start drinking or I won't be able to keep it down." "I'm having a great time and I'm drunk as fuck, but I'm getting a headache. I'll chug some water to offset the alcohol. Then I can continue enjoying myself."

[petaltexturedskies]

Sylvia Plath, from "Three Women: A Poem for Three Voices"

[quoteastic]

Be okay with losing people that are okay with losing you.

[thoughtcascades]

some people would rather be wounded forever than responsible for one honest decision

[thoughtcascades]

nothing feels more adult than missing your old problems because at least you understood them

[st4rfawn]

this girl on tiktok legit haunts me istg she’s soooooooooooo goals :’(

[shortyimmortal]

oh little bunny ;(

[thoughtcascades]

your mind can turn any prison into a home

[cryptid-corpse]

Pretending to be less mentally unwell than you are is exhausting. I just want 2 go feral, scream cry and kick

[ru1n3r]

i think if i had the option to never have existed i would pick that

[somewordsarebiggerthanothers]

[keytomind]

🖤👆🏼

[lilithmaze1998]

I wish I had someone to hold me after it happened. I wish someone cared enough to listen or believe me. I wish my closest friend didn't just say "we all gotta do things we don't wanna do". I wish the few people i told took me seriously and not like another drink teenage girl who had regrets.

I wasn't drunk. I was drugged. My memories didn't come back for a very long time. My memories certainly weren't there when I had consensual sex with him the morning after. Right up until he started hurting me, being rough, making each and every thrust harder, more violent, ignoring my unsexy-actualy-in-pain-"ow"s, ignoring my eyes shutting so hard my eyelids hurt.

And right before I closed my eyes I could see his face. Jaw clenched, eyes wide opened, wide smile, teeth exposed. Animalistic, evil, predatory. How could I say "stop"? How could I say "no"? Who knows what he would've done. He was so much stronger, I couldn't move under his weight. He hsd me pinned down. He had me right where he wanted me.

I had already refused him one thing (the back door), after multiple attempts.

And i paid dearly for saying no. I paid in pain. Because he got annoyed, he got angry. That's why he got rough. It hurt. It really did. But what could I do? This was the price I paid for denying him one singular thing. What would he have done if I tried to defy him more?

I was 17 then, almost 18. It's been 10 years. The fear is still there. It will never go away.

[mournfulroses]

Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Ann Dvidow-Goodman written c. 1950, featured in The Collected Letters