Musings of a Bardic Mage @lilyhummingbird - Tumblr Blog

Adventerous

Dear Diary, So much has happened. I don't know where to start. Things quieted down even more so. I've had plenty of time to catch up on my studies and am doing very well among the Magistry. I continue to keep top marks and my superiors seem to be impressed with my progress... with what they actually show. I'm not a noble thus I tend to get snubbed at often in the ranks but my family may be of common blood but we are of a noble family. Ann'da was certain to tell me that despite all of it, we are truly the ones who have the respect for ourselves needed to succeed. I've gone to the Club. They really aren't all that fun. I haven't gotten to hang out with my sister as I had thought we would. She seems to keep to herself and I do wonder if she is actually a Duskstrider at all. We are affectionate people... all of my parents are. She doesn't seem to understand it so it makes me wonder... how she doesn't? I mean, our parents would have showered her with affection I am sure. But I guess she is just strange. I hang out with Dash sometimes. She is energetic and I do enjoy that. She helps me feel as if... I'm not alone. I spend some morning with Aunt Sparrow when she's not busy, before I work of course. Or sometimes I will accompany her on patrols for reports on the work of the Farstriders for the Magistry. They like being able to keep an eye on her for some reason. There is a man, Magister Kal'thrath who shows some interest but generally brushes me off. I want to travel. I do miss it when I was able to while I was in the Caverns for training. I get the itch to do so but I have my responsibilities here and I couldn't leave people behind. However, there is only my family and one other who would take notice I think. I should just sign up for the Reliquary. I could get sponsored to do excavation projects and that just seems like fun to me. My master has died. He died to the revolutionaries. I found his book with the one he gave me with an apology on the inside. He had promised me a few things, such as teaching me how to enchant my book... though I know how to do so. I just wanted him to show me. And then going to Feralas to see the twin peaks. I guess I will go on my own. I have no fear of going alone but he has been and I wanted to hear his stories. This time... I wouldn't get sick. Uncle Kol'turu moved out. I am certain he said he was taking his family to live in Nagrand. It is beautiful out there and I can understand it. Also, I've got a puppy. His name is Apollo. Roldien gave him to me. Now I can sleep at night. I had my first real, solid night of sleep the other night just because he was warm and was very cuddly. I will admit... I do wish I could cuddle with Roldien at night. He seems cuddly enough. I won't deny that I do care for him. I care for the man a lot than I should but you can't help those kinds of things. It just happens. He's my best friend. He is my constant companion. And above all, he does make me happy. I wish... something like that would be simple enough. The turtle is chasing the puppy again... and I have to head to the office soon. I'll write again soon... maybe. Lily

He is Not Mine

Dear Diary, He is not mine. He is not mine. He won't be mine. He is not mine. No matter what... he isn't mine and he won't be. He can't be. It is forbidden and the decision has been made for me. Maybe Zidane is right. After explaining courtship to him... he's right. No one will impress my father. And if they do, what then? What I want has already been disapproved of. That was made clear when his head was shot clean off of his shoulders. And though he is resurrected and better now... he won't talk to him. Not after that. He told me once he would but I now now he won't. Why do I feel so alone! I hate it! I hate this feeling so much. Is it bad to want to be held? I see it everywhere. I see constantly people together and enjoying each other's company. I see how happy they are and I wonder... can't I be happy like that? My jealousy comes in and I have it for my own family! Minn'da, Ann'da, and Mother... they are happy together. Leiran and Rhonae... they are happy. Togy and Faelix. Kol and Seri. Sparrow and Vathan. They are all happy. They have someone they can share everything with. No need to keep those bars up at all. But I'm just a kid. Despite the fact I work at the Magistry. Despite the fact that I may be one of the youngest Magisters to get into the Magistry. I'm just a kid. Lily

Safer

Dear Diary, It is safer this way. Not for me, for him. I am safe in my own way. He'll be safer if he is not in my company. Simple as that. I'm going to miss our conversations. Lily

Blood and Music

Dear Diary, There are times of discord but yet they can easily be followed by times of serenity. Zidane nearly died but the aide of a nearby Priest kept him alive. This would be the second time his throat has been slit. And it had to be in front of my baby sister during her first trip through the city. But he is alive and well. But I decided to play my mandolin. And it seemed to please Kol'turu. I don't see him happy with much and he continued to urge me to play. I'll play for him if he so wishes me to. It is nice to see him enjoy something instead of being so grumpy. Sicarius and Aedari joined us and Sicarius did end up singing. He seemed to enjoy the Loreley more than the other songs. A song of the sea and a favorite of mine. Ithios was there for a little while, only urging me to get better as it will make me stronger in the end. Galetia snuck her way in and out, though that is just how she is. She remained quiet and observed as she often does. Dash and Roldien showed up later and together. I wonder but I kept my mind off of it. I was enjoying my musice. Dash ended up singing with Sicarius which is strange. I figured she wouldn't sing in public. She's a little more shy about it than I am. There was a little scuffling of course, as there is bound to be. Mostly because people can't seem to stop touching Kol'turu. There was one druid, a black cat and by the horns he was a Tauren. It did cause Kol'turu to leave which was fairly depressing. I was playing for him originally. I love music so much. It lets me express things... without people realizing what I wish to express. It is just a song after all. Lily -there would be a doodle of a rose in the corner-

Fear

Dear Diary, I am almost afraid of talking to him. In a sense it is my fault in the reason why he was killed. Though the action did not take place, mere rumor would have caused such a thing. I'm afraid to talk to him because what if he is killed again? What if I do want something more than our friendship? I abstain because it is safer for him and because it is not my father's wish. I am happy with being able to have him as a close friend. But if rumor should do that once, what says it won't take him away from me a second time? They all left this morning. Grayslynne is going through the Caverns. Minn'da left herself many notes to keep herself reminded of certain things but they will be back in a few hours. I don't like it really. She gets to spend all that time with our parents without them worrying about a thing for once while they had the three of us together. And while we watch them struggle now. Is it selfish? I wish I had that type of attention and what of when she comes back? She would have been raised like an only child. When she has five siblings waiting for her at home. Emotions are turmoil. But we will see how it goes I suppose. Lily

It Flares

Dear Diary, The anger is flaring again. Not sure why. It tends to when there is stupidity and sadness around. Especially when there is sadness around. Roldien is dead. He'll be back soon though. The resurrection circle is doing its job as it should. Zidane is an idiot. No surprise there. I have decided he is my new match. Minn'da is sick again. She doesn't notice it yet but I can see that she's paled again. She's throwing up again too. Just a stomach flu she tells us. Been too long since she's traveled so no big deal. She's a terrible liar. She always has been. She was getting better too. And all I feel is anger. Anger at everything and everyone and I feel the utter need to set everything that makes me angry or upset on fire. By fire be purged. Lily

Worry

Dear Diary, I've done both my written and practical in my Magistry exam. A week and I'll have my results. I can only wait. I worry about him. Him being alone and when he has his attacks. I hate that I can't help because I'm not sure how. I wish I could take it all away and make it better. I just can only hope that I'm there to bring him out of it even though I know that I won't always. Just wait. Only wait. Lily

Courtship

Dear Diary, I wonder how many people know what the act of "courting" really is. It is obvious when some don't because they think that in the act of courting the person actually has to like you first. Traditionally, a man chooses a woman to marry not because he likes her. Sometimes, he will only meet her once before he asks the father about courting her. The reason is simple. Courting began because people typically don't marry for love but because it is beneficial to family names. It is good for families. However, the act of courting is far more balancing and easier on the young who are courting. Because it isn't a -forced- marriage. It is a way to woo the woman into falling in love with you and hopefully, you her. So one asks the father if they can court their daughter so that they can hopefully win her heart. This is a way for the father to control which families will marry and possibly merge or branch off of a House. This gives the young men and women a chance to actually -choose- who they want to be with rather than being forced and gives the father a sense of control to make sure that his family is taken care of. That is what courting is. In all honesty, you never even need permission from the daughter. Even should she hate you, she cannot say no to you if her father approves. That just makes it all the more a challenge. At any given time a girl could have several who are courting her and trying to get her to choose them. Often leading to her time being split between many so that she can get to know the man that could be her husband. As children, this isn't an issue. All boys and girls have their "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" because that is just natural for children. Most common families don't have this among them but both of mine seem to have. So far, little has to do with my Aunt. She's a wild card since she was for a little while, the only Duskstrider. But on the Whispersong side of my family my Minn'da is the head of the House still until Lelani marries. All suitors are still to be run by my Minn'da however she is fairly lenient... until you go behind her back. She believes in marrying for love but she believes in keeping her family safe as well. I already see her eye the men I surround myself with. I just seem to find myself more comfortable around other men. Though I have been told this is normal for a Duskstrider. That tradition has been strong for some time since before my parents time. I only put this here because it seems there are those who do not understand the concept and though I'm not telling anyone, I want it written down. It seems that Zidane wishes to court me but has asked my permission for it. I've never seen him as more than a friend. I see most around me in a non romantic fashion because of this. Because of these traditions. Then of course there was the young man, Jaygon. I think it is obvious my Uncle Xin'thalore doesn't approve and that does amuse me. Ann'da and Uncle Xin'thalore will weed out those don't provide a good way of living for me and who are up to their standards. Which, their standards are fairly high from what I see. When all I want is someone who will care about me. Lily

#Courtship

Spoiled Princess

Dear Diary, I got my work up finally. Leiran has been working himself too hard and too quickly. He should know that Minn'da is there to help and has it all handled as it is that he doesn't have to rework everything within the company. He doesn't really take naps. I've never known him to do so but he was when I called upon him to get my check up done. He did some tests, my blood pressure is low and the medicine he gave me had to be thrown out. So we start from scratch again. I went to walk around Silvermoon as I typically do. I enjoy watching the people and ended up helping Uncle Xin comfort Velisilil. She's a member of the company and often gives out hugs. Leiran knows her better than I as I only know her by face. Though, Xin ended up carrying me away. Apparently, someone was about to put a bullet through us through a scope. Wonderful isn't it? Been awhile since there was a thrill but he passed me off to Roldien and told him to keep me locked away and safe in the Clinic. Which only frustrated me. It lets me know how useful I am. Fighting elves is different than fighting demons though. Sicarius wouldn't let me out of his sight after I left the Clinic and his attitude isn't pleasant to be around when you are already in a sour mood. Perhaps I should have acted. I always have to act when there are people I don't know around. "How are you ma'am/sir?" and all the other nonsense. Give them a smile and they will be satisfied but I didn't want to for once. I wanted to be frustrated because that's all I was. I was frustrated I was useless. I was frustrated because it wasn't until later that Zidane realized I was in danger when he's suppose to be my friend. It is already bad enough that Nayeli mistook my anger as that of a lover's spat. So I walked to clear my head. To watch people as I do and it is something I enjoy. I was almost at my destination before he called me something that is offensive. Something that I can't even control my own dissatisfaction at the word. Spoiled Princess. It is something that Casdin has called me since we were small. I didn't get hurt when we got in trouble but I did my best to behave. I was never trouble and I hope to never be. But just like my brothers, I have worked for what I have. Every piece of clothing except some that Minn'da has bought for me, I bought. My little library at home, I had bought and collected every book in it. I have worked hard at the company to be able to buy my books. Is it bad that I can befriend so easily? That I'm hurt when they leave because I don't understand why? He said that my friends are intimidated. That is why they had left. Roldien seemed to get angry at his words. But I was so blinded by it I wanted to get away. It was like... being cornered. I hide the marks of why I work so hard. I hide it all because if people knew then people would take advantage. Sometimes it is better to be seen as weak and then the element of surprise is on your hand. This is something Minn'da has taught me. This is something she told me to utilize. I will never be as strong as my brothers but I have a different strength because I have to compensate for my disabilities. I locked myself in the library, content to just keep myself from the world before Roldien called on me. He talked me down as he tends to do. Made me sleep because if I didn't, he wouldn't. Eat or he wouldn't. He knows me too well. He's... the only true friend I have. Lily

First Date

Dear Diary, I guess it was like a date. It was nice despite how awkward it was. He ended up an hour late due to work. His commanding officer seems to be a bit of a pain but I've heard nothing good of him. Dan spoke with me while I waited though I was ready to simply walk away. On the way there my Uncles were not making it easy on me, neither was Nixy. I was a nervous wreck but as he came to me he was a gentleman and offered his home. We spoke of little things and big things. Getting to know one another and I suppose I was trying everything I could for it to not be awkward. Maybe I tried to hard. He walked me to Tranquillen on the way home since things are dangerous but he was afraid of someone seeing me with him. To put me in danger. It was a sweet gesture but I already heard Uncle Ithios questioning me again. He was fairly persistent in making sure I was alright. For a first date it wasn't bad. Though, I wish... it was with someone I had actually known. Lily

It's a Set Up

Dear Diary, I could beat them both, set them on fire, see them healed and set them on fire again and beat them again. That is just an awkward position to put me in and I don't think they realize it! What is one to think when they are asked to meet someone and the first thing you hear is a mention of matchmaking? There was Aodan, he wanted me to meet a young man named Arthamir. He looks as if he has seen much battle and well into his age with the graying hair that starts at his temples. He seems nice enough, a gentleman at that which does not bother me in the least. Pleasant though the entire meeting was awkward. Though in the end somehow by some miracle Dan and Dash, the amazing duo of evil, managed for me to end up on a dinner date with this man at his -estate- this evening at seven! How? I cannot even fathom. It just went over my head. It isn't that I don't find the man nice, knowing him and befriending him may prove nice to my future of being a Magistrix of Silvermoon but as a date? I only feel a sense of guilt and I'm not sure why. It isn't a date though, I won't admit to it being a date. I just won't. It doesn't feel right doing so as for one, he didn't ask me and two... it just doesn't feel right! Though I am confused. As I walked to clear my head Roldien did join my little group. He seemed to tense over the thought of me going but he is only my friend. He has not shown interest of me in no other way than that. Sure he shows his bits of affection but nothing more than that as when I ask he says he cannot explain it. Then he gives these looks of annoyance or he grits his teeth. He speaks in an almost grumbling tone and what am I suppose to do? What is it that he wants me to be? How am I suppose to just know when anything of this nature is foreign to me? I just don't know! I need to get ready. Dash is hear and hyper as ever. This is going to be the most awkward night I've ever experienced and probably one of the most frustrating one as well. Lily

Jealousy Reigns

Dear Diary, I can't understand this feeling I have. It is an anger that I feel directed at people who don't deserve it. Though maybe they do. Perhaps this is the jealousy I've become aware of. But why did I feel it for that strange woman with my Uncle Xin'thalore? He hasn't really come to see me since I returned home. Maybe I'm bothered that when I had a reason for him to come see me he didn't but when he did there was a strange woman with him. I felt the need to set her on fire. I wanted her gone. First Grayslynne comes in and takes the spotlight with our parents and anyone who is around her. Zidane gets strange around me but it seems that he finds attention in anyone who will give him any attention. Uncle Xin'thalore told me he isn't a good friend. He'll get me hurt he says. The amulet will only work for so long.before it finally gives in. He's going to kill him. No one is going to stop him, no one can stop him when he has his mind set on something. I think I can protect Aedari for a little while longer. She can see what it is that could get her hurt. She just needs to embrace the little darker side that is inside of her. I got to speak with Roldien for a little while. His little affections truly astound me. How he holds me and just puts his forehead to mine, for no reason. I know there is a reason but he won't say it. I need him to say it so that I just know. I hate not knowing entirely why. But he'll be here always. Always. He'll never abandon me. Lily

Waste?

Dear Diary, It was a strange impulse for me to want to go read in the Row. But oddly I feel safe there on the "perch" as they call it. It is the place in which my Uncle watches everything and he is there so often he has become a fixture of the light post. I remember a long time ago that Diaage use to sit across and they would banter. I watched this only once and remember it well. She was a bit of a cranky woman but foul tempers seem to follow those that are introduced to my family. But that is where I went and where I spent my evening. I had arrived in the middle of a very short lived scuffle. There was a woman that I saw, her words having caught my attention. "Row cleared" after chasing out someone who was annoying her or maybe someone of her order. I wonder if she believes she owns the Row. I will have to ask one of my Uncles of this. I wonder, do different underground organizations "own" the Row at any given time? However, I spent the time with my family. Heard of a honorless tournament from Mother. Someone's friend got hurt in Wayfarer's it would seem. Uncle Kol'turu didn't come back so that must mean that it was something that really caught his attention. Usually he'll check on me but since he didn't I wonder if he had briefly and felt alright with me being with Nayeli and Roldien. Nayeli is starting to get the bug. We all feel it at one point and in the end it will be down to her to control it. I wonder how well that will go. But then I was thinking. I was told that it was Vayyn who had gotten hurt. In the end it is her own fault. When you bait a chained, rabid dog and then break the chain one is bound to get bitten. I wonder if she realizes that we protect so many from being hurt. I wonder if she realized that if instead of baiting him, that if she had been civilized to him that when she was getting hurt he would have helped her? But in turn that means that Sariel is going to be going away. I wonder... does that mean we are not friends anymore? And then I wondered... was my going to the Caverns with her a waste? When I was not studying I was teaching her and there were times where I barely had time to study. Was it a waste? I don't know what to think. Lily

Unintelligent Self Sacrifice

Dear Diary, It seems that I know people who sacrifice things that are not truly intelligent without thinking of the consequences. So it would seem I had come across Zidane yesterday and he had been fairly injured. Soon after being taken care of, instead of getting rest he would find me and try and make me happy. However he obviously was not doing well after the immense amount of blood loss he was suffering. To be honest, this only truly angered me that he would sacrifice his own well being just to see me smile. He also kept making a few strange expressions I've not seen on a man before. I wouldn't know if I had but they really were odd. I could investigate later but maybe it was because of his blood loss and he forgot about the control of his facial muscles. Za'hiro found me with him and asked me how I was. I am glad that he did come find me. I was afraid I wouldn't see him for some time. I remember a strange discomfort in him when I mentioned going through the Caverns. But we went off to the side when Roldien appeared since the two seemed to need to speak about something I'm not entirely sure what it was. He looked through my book and Mother met up with us briefly, of course to embarrass me a little. Something about me filling out. Roldien came to us again after Zidane seems to have gone home. We sat and chatted for a little while before Westerian came to us. He looked so tired looking for Aedari. You see, Aedari quit the day before. Minn'da got a letter saying she would never return. Roldien had gotten a letter as well and it had said she was going to run off. I feel bad for the man that he has to go after someone who is being selfish. He had left at one point, saying something about her being home before I was left with Roldien and Aodan, who had given me a new stash of candy. I had to go home however and Aedari had come to visit. I had asked Minn'da what she was going to do with Aedari and she told me it wasn't her concern. She had made a resignation of not returning and she told me that if that was the case, she wouldn't. Minn'da isn't forgiving in that aspect. I wonder if Aedari realizes that she made a sacrifice that really wasn't worth it in the end. I can see her grandfather trying to pull strings but Minn'da is stubborn. We'll see how it goes. Lily

Analyze

Dear Diary, Perhaps my entry was rushed this morning as I didn't put forth everything that was meant to be there. Training was difficult this morning since Minn'da wanted to see what I was capable of. I have a few bruises but they are all well earned. Yesterday evening, I had gone out to spend time outside since I had cooped myself up the last few days. Getting reacquainted with my home. I have realized I got lost a few times. I was going to read a book if things got quiet so I went to go and sit with Sariel. It wasn't an unusual thing for us to do back them. I'd be sitting reading while we sat in the city, her pointing out the different people and how many times we've seen them. Light chat to make the day go by pleasantly. Though back then, it seemed that Falconwing Square was much busier. Before the Scourge invasion. Back then I was persistent in my studies but that was the purpose and I wonder if anyone realizes that was the purpose. To study and nothing more. But I am still confused. After so long she didn't think before reciting. She went by emotion alone again and well, that tends to give the wrong emotion. I know she's smarter than that but she seems to be better at the applicable magic rather than the theory and logic behind it. Magic is all emotions and it is depicted by how you are able to control such. Even I have trouble still, when I get angry the fire tends to leak from my fingers, scorching everything I just have arcane to keep it in check unlike herself. She must use shadow energy to do so. She should have just gone to the school. They would have let her in she just couldn't use fel magic and all of her magic is not fel. Most of it isn't actually. I will continue to misunderstand why she left though. She was trying to explain it to Roldien and Amor. I know that Amor is a fluent shadow priest. It is easy to tell by the way his aura shifts and his energy flows. Roldien is learning to be a Paladin and for him it is harder to grasp onto the Light which flows just like any other magic. But I can feel touches of the energy with him which means he's gotten it to manifest. That's the hardest step if you aren't a natural. I did correct her as I have done on many occasions, without thinking as usual. She seemed to get mad but she never did before. She'd get frustrated yes, because she was having trouble grasping but not angry. I wonder if I did something wrong. But the theory of fire and the actual production of such is to try and control something that is uncontrollable and something that lacks structure and is... how did Behmyn put it... unpredictable. Roldien made a comment, I was afraid I wasn't going to hear. I had to head in for the evening since it was late and I had an early morning. Minn'da wanted me up for an early practice before she got the boys training. Something about not wanting to pressure me in front of others. Then she got mad, maybe even more so? She rolled her eyes that is for certain, I was not looking at her face but I could that much simply by how much time I've spent around her. I can tell those things by her tone alone and she just... left. What did I do wrong? Was I not suppose to go home and... rest before training? I know I often stayed up until later hours but she was usually in bed before I was able to sleep. Studying often kept me up late because I needed to keep my marks up. Though I felt this overwhelming sense of loss. She is suppose to be the one who understands but she doesn't. She's suppose to be the one who doesn't get mad at me. She's suppose to be my sister. Though, I suppose I only have one sister in this world and she's still an infant. Grayslynne. Maybe, I shouldn't look too much into the artificial bonds of family but only the ones by blood. They seem to be safer. Lily

Logic Dictates Action

Dear Diary, I have not spoken much on my trip but it started out as it should have. When we arrived we had a few days to get settled into a fairly nice apartment with three bedrooms. One for myself, one for Sariel, and one for the bronze dragon that was posing as a parent. However, often the dragon was not there and we had the house to ourselves. I enrolled in the school as I had planned and though our rooms were minimal and held only a few persona belongings, we did our best to make it feel like home. For the first fifteen years the routine was the same. Get up early. Make breakfast. Go to class until late afternoon. Come home. Teach Sariel. Have dinner. Study until the late hours. Go to bed. I focused mostly on my schooling as that is why I had come to the Caverns in the first place. To go to school. To learn from an institution of magic that I don't have access to any longer. On my days off we would often go and walk around the city, admiring how different it was from what we were use to. I didn't talk to anyone much and used this time to buy what was necessary from the market. And when I could, I played my mandolin because it made me think of home and my family. This went on until I had learned enough to do field training. During this era, there were no Orcs. No friendly Trolls. I was sent out with other young would be Magisters and Kirin Tor to learn how to fight as is necessary. We went against the brutality of the Amani trolls that lived in the area. But what we went against most that still brings me fear were the demons. I look on my person and I'm lined with many scars that are visible to the eye but there are some that are not. The ones the were magically cast. The ties that were broken when I was harmed. I did this for another fifteen years until finally we were done. We could go home. What do I do now that I don't have to fight? That things return to how they were? So I study as that is all that can bring me comfort. And that is what I must do. I do not understand the cold actions of Sariel the other day. It was often that I would correct her when she had given incorrect information. I was her teacher, not her friend, for a long time. But why did it hurt so much? Why did I cry? Lily

A Travel Through Time and Reuniting With Friends

Dear Diary, I returned. Though, I suppose that I am writing a little late than I should be. Sariel dragged me home and I may have wanted to walk around at first. I don't like feeling rushed after so long. Actually, I feel that things should be at a slower pace. To take in the details that we have ignored for so long. But I feel that maybe she's become more rushed, more... forward. When we returned the first person I saw was my Ann'da. I have missed him so much over the years. For so long he has been my closest confidant and the one who gave me advice that I could carry through life. It is his advice that kept me alive many times in the Caverns, when the demons attacked. The simplest of details means something after all. I feel like maybe he was proud of me. Sometimes it is hard to tell because of his expression but he was always good at hiding such. Or maybe, I'm still not good at reading them. I went out soon after I got home. Minn'da wasn't home yet and Mother was sleeping so I didn't want to bother and I heard that some friends were about. When I got to the Square to begin my search I saw a few familiar faces. There was Faelix, once an Aunt of mine but I am not sure what she would be called at this time. And then there was Skithiryx, he brought me donuts for my return. And then Roldien. I remember them all so well but yet, there are parts that seem lost to the memory of time. But I suppose I was confused. Looking back I am quite certain that Sariel didn't like Roldien however, when she saw him and got at least a little comfortable she started hitting on him? I don't know, she was giving that look she'd give to boys in the Caverns before I had to tell her that she couldn't get too close. The winks, the little smiles. I'm just confused. And I don't want to be a cause for jealousy... is it bad that I'm just me? I spent most of yesterday with Behmyn. I had to return his hat after all. We talked and got reaquainted. It felt nice to speak to him because I feel like it has been even longer than the time I was gone. He told me secrets and we spoke of insight on the world. I do enjoy his company and I wonder why I didn't get to see him too often. It is kind of heart breaking to think of it. Lily

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