Sometimes when you're trying to murder your husband via pillow suffocation, it can be so frustrating when he starts laughing. It's like, does ANYONE take me seriously?
(The conclusion to the hypnotherapy session will air next Monday. Because that's the way I like to do things. Today, we are going to bitch about hiding the thing that you don't want others to know.)
I have a real kush life. I mean real kush. Like grade a actor-type kush. I recently stopped working at UCB but one night a week. And I really like working with the interns and getting to see my friends at work, that's a bonus and a half. But I decided I needed to figure out what it is that I'm doing. And what I want to do.
I thought I wanted to write for The Onion. And I am not saying I don't want to do that, I think that would be so awesome. But, is that something that's driving me every day? Most projects interest me for about three days. And then its like, psshh I'm not interested anymore.
But is it that I'm not interested in these projects? Or is it that I start doubting that I can actually do any of these projects? Well you don't know what thoughts are going on inside my head so I'll just tell you. No really, quit guessing. I mean it's not like it's a test or something so you're not going to get an A+ if you get it right. It's the second one. You were right. Ok, you are going to get an A+. That was actually two tests.
It's great to live in Los Angeles, you're surrounded by a lot of super talented people, and a LOT of them are willing to work for free. That's crazy awesome. But dang - I get intimidated so easily by all of these super-talented people. And I like to imagine it's alright not to know things and to just proceed and learn as much as I can from people. But there's a part of me that really hates looking like an amateur. Or a dumbass. Or an amateur dumbass, which is the fucking worst.
So I get intimidated by everyone who is completing work and making amazing projects and then I think, man my stuff will never look as polished as all of that. So I sit on it. Do you know how many sketches I've written that I've not put up because I don't want to show people that I don't really know what I'm doing? Thirty. At least. Right now everyone might be tricked. So I do nothing. I have the opportunity to do something I love everyday. And I am paralyzed.
What does this have to do with spouse murder? Well, it's also something I haven't followed through with. Ha! Jokes! I'm not really going to kill my husband. It's just really funny to do jokes from my great-grandmother's Vaudeville act. Really though - last night Doug brought all of this stuff up. He says, "You have the chance to do whatever you want every day and what do you do? How are you funny? I mean I can see how Steve is funny, and I can see how Anne is funny (sorry to bring you two into my argument) but I can't see how you are funny."
Which is like a different sort of spousal murder. Like more of a soul murder. But weird thing is - Judge Judy isn't taking any soul murder cases. Only cases where he said he'd fix my shocks and instead rotated my tires. No wonder I don't watch that show.
So with soul murdered, I did the only thing I know how to do, I went into the bathroom and I sat on the floor. Followed by a laying in bed with my head covered. While my soul murdering husband asked me if I was ok. To which I responded with silence, followed by yelling "You vocalized my greatest fears and then you actualized them." And then he said, “that's not what I did.” And then I said, "You said you don't know how I am funny. I'm not funny. I'm dumb. And I am the worst." And there it always is - I'm not funny. And he said, "Well, I think..." and I said, "Oooh someone should hand you a fancy diploma. Congratulations."
And he laughed. And he said, "That's it, that's how you are funny. You are an asshole. A snarky asshole."
.... So I tried to give him a big old make out session with my pillow. And he just laughed. And I said, "Why won't you die already!" And he said, "I love you!" And I said, "Those are bad last words to have!"
And that's the reality of it. My sense of humor is pretty dark. And I say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. And that's probably why at some points I just don't say anything at all. Because in my mind I'm thinking the worst thing in the world.
When I worked at an after-school program, we would ask the students what time it is. They would say something like, "3:45" And then we would look at the clock and tell the students, "Well, it isn't amateur hour, so sit down in your seats and raise your hands." Which probably is one of the reasons I don't work with kids anymore, because the best audience to be a snarky asshole to is kids, but sometimes they don’t “get” sarcasm.
But in an effort to not be afraid anymore - here is something that my writing partner, Jessica, and I have put together. And I hope that it isn’t amateur hour where you live when you watch it.
http://youtu.be/8pIwf3tgi4w
Thanks to Jon Mackey, Farley Elliott, Brandon Weaver, Majeed Nami, Theo Greenly, and Ryan Haley. And also, to the survivor - Doug Mackay.
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