ᥫ᭡.ִֶָ A LETTER FROM ALLY.
now playing: heavenly, cigarettes after sex. ( slowed instrumental loop )
❦︎. it is midnight where i am, and i am now twenty-two. since the year i turned nineteen, so much of aging has been about returning to my life. for a while, i was in the black with the simple ache for the pain to be over. i was at my hungriest, my saddest, my barest sense of self. since the year i was born, two thousand and three, so much of aging has been about feeling a distance between me and other people, between myself then and who i am now and who i will be. about closing the gap.
i didn't care how long it took, i just knew that i was going somewhere beautiful. and in some ways, i have already reached that place, and in some ways i am still traveling, but it's more walking now; less running.
when i began to write and post on this blog, i never imagined i would end up with nearly three thousand people interested in my work and what i had to say. younger me would think it impossible to be loved this much, to be thought of and returned to this much. so much of my writing is drawn from my private life—both things that have happened to me and things that inform and shape my inner world. here i was, two years in, building a blank space on tumblr where i could paste my heart all over the walls and find people eager to read it.
i still remember sitting in the dark, a body frail as life, typing the characters of my chosen username. hcneymooners ⤿ a play on honeymooner, the horse in one of my favorite films: thoroughbreds (2017). i loved the name, and i fear if i were ever a celebrity, i'd take the liberty of naming my daughter that. well, maybe her middle name. but the word kept echoing, this translucent bandaid that spoke to the kind of life i wanted to live. i wanted all of life to be a honeymoon that took me to the destination everyone else seemed able to visit, to inhabit. i wanted to stop living with this heart as big as my body, with this overpowering sense of feeling that possessed me in the face of everything.
and then i met you. all of you, just you, some of you. you began to interact with me and my ideas, my senseless rambling and visually abrasive moodboards, my half-finished and never-seen-again works i'd tease and then abandon. you sent me asks, known and anonymous, first to ask about my work or compliment my style and then to just. . .ask about me. as the youngest daughter and the youngest sister, i've always been a bit passed over, though never deprived of love. to receive every instance of your kindness, thoughtfulness, and interest truly meant the world to me. and still does.
i love to begin my day with gratitude, and while i love every single one of you, there are certain people who—regardless of whether they realized it or not—have changed my experience here for the better. my life, too.
⤿ ( @divackles ) my sweet kari. i have so much to say but i seem to lose it in the face of you. you have no idea how much you mean to me. you and i have been through so much for the longest of times and yet i never tire of looking over and seeing you there, whether in the light or in the dark. you are my magnet, the point of return. i think of you often and i am so glad to know you. i hope you never know anything other than a beautiful life. god knows it's the least you deserve for everything you have done for me.
⤿ ( @kkarnoldlovebot ) my forever baby, niyah. i think, until you, i didn't have a true sense of what it meant to be in the proximity of someone who would give you the complete freedom to be yourself. you have loved me, no holds barred. i am never as silly or evil or dramatic as i think i am with you; you affirm every instance of my character and give me the gift of knowing your own. you are one of the strongest people i know, and if i could take every inch of your suffering, always, i would. i love you, with all of me. nothing could ever change that.
⤿ ( @kehlaniscript ) my angel, thena. you genuinely just make me so happy. i don't think there is any way i can ever fully articulate what you mean to me. you lift me up always, you make me laugh and feel celebrated in every sense of the word. all i can remember about us becoming friends is just how genuinely bright you were, and still are. i turned and it was like finding light, just this beautiful electric angel raining her golden heart down on me. you are so special and integral to the world, i cannot imagine a life in which you are not in it. i will always be so grateful for how we found each other and how much love you have filled me with. i love you to the moon and back, and then again.
⤿ ( @azzibuckets, @azzibueckers5, @lloeysol, @luvergirl-535 ) cessa, ella, lyra, & lilah. thank you for taking me in when i first joined pazzi fc. it was terrifying, honestly, to enter a brand new fandom and begin to learn and you were just so kind from the start—not to mention exceptionally talented. you are wonderful people, and i am so grateful to know you. you deserve nothing but the best, and i will always hope that you get it.
⤿ ( @edwyngates, @delathedillpickle, @linedbycaro, @hcbueckers ) my princesses kiki, dels, caro, and hayley. just the sweetest girls in the world. no one has a heart like you do, and i am so proud to bask in the presence of it. thank you for checking in on me, for supporting me, for valuing my work and making me feel so loved. i am so immensely full of gratitude for the fact that when i have reached out into the black, you have always reached back. i love you with every part of me.
and to everyone else, thank you for making my twenty-first year one to remember. thank you for being here with me, on the beach, looking at the water and reminding me that i am not alone. it is because of this that i am less afraid to let go.
love you 4ever. & happy birthday to me.
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