before the sun is rising up

just a proud (whitewashed) algerian lol

[lippyeepy]

maybe getting into the uni i didn’t want was allah opening a new door for me.

[lippyeepy]

okay so apparently this is supposed to be the most important year of my life. i wake up at 6:00 am just to go to school and feel like a confused shit for seven hours straight. then come home, stare at my books, and call it revision. love that for me.

everyone keeps saying "enjoy your last year of high school!" um. how? while i'm being pressured into studying how the multi fucking store model of memory works and english lit essays that expect me to analyze the trauma of characters who didn’t even go to therapy?

and don't even get me started on the pressure. every adult is like “just do your best :)” while simultaneously reminding me that if i mess this up, my entire future will combust. thanks for the motivational ted talk, yamma.

but even with all the chaos, i kind of want this year to be good. like not peaceful good, because let’s be honest, that ship sank around october. but funny good. memory good. laugh-until-i-cry-on-the benches-good. maybe even get a little unhinged with my friends before we all get emotionally exiled to university.

i’m not trying to have a perfect year. i’m just trying to survive it with my brain cells semi-intact and my sense of humor still functioning

wish me luck.

[dontwannagobackhome]

"At some point in life, People are bound to leave certain things behind."

"Even the things that they love?"

"Especially the things that they love."

-Vedika.

[lippyeepy]

i don’t really know why i’m writing this. you’ll never read it. maybe that’s the point. maybe i just need to get it out of my head, because you’ve been in there for too long and it’s starting to echo.

you’re quiet. not the kind of quiet that feels empty.yours is the kind that hums. the kind that makes people wonder what you’re thinking, what kind of worlds are blooming behind your eyes. i always wondered that. still do.

i remember biology last year. the way you’d sit there, still, like the noise of the classroom didn’t touch you. like you were somewhere else. and when ms tahir called on you, it wasn’t hesitation—it was calculation. like you knew the answer but were deciding if it was worth saying out loud.

i always wanted to ask you something. anything. just to hear how your voice sounds when it’s not answering a question. but i never did. and you never looked like you were waiting for anyone to.

sometimes i pass by your street. not on purpose, not always. i see your brother out there, loud and running and alive in a way that makes the world notice. i know where you live now, and I'm not trying to say this in a creepy way but ik your house number

it’s funny. you don’t do anything, and yet i find myself writing letters you’ll never read. like you left a mark on a version of me you never even met. and maybe that’s all it ever was, an idea. a maybe. a moment that never asked to become anything more.

but even so, here i am. saying nothing to someone who says nothing back. and somehow, it still feels like a conversation.

[lippyeepy]

eid struggles

besides cleaning the entire house and stressing myself out bc of gateaux, one of the worst eid experiences imo is phone calls back home. "sa7a eidkoum, t3idou w tzidou n'shallh. F'hyatek khair" on repeat bruh.

and what makes it worse is that they don't keep it short, they prolong it for as long as they can. ik that they wanna talk to us n shit but like I'm coming back to algeria in 3 months, hedi shwiya.

[lippyeepy]

hes so cute im going to explode

[lippyeepy]

being an immigrant algerian was probably the reason why I turned out the way that I am. tell me why I'm trying to appease norms back in algeria to marry someone algerian and mzabi and become a housewife (which i'm not opposed to), but i'm also trying to appease norms here that tell me to "move abroad, work, earn money" (which i'm also not opposed to) but it's exhausting trying to be two different people at once.

also, forgetting my language bit by bit. i cant even communicate with my family properly without having a few eglish words thrown in. and some might say that its weird not speaking even arabic least even tho I'm in an arab country, but I got to an international school where arabic isn't the main focus so I'm sorry nabila if I cant understand what you're saying.

[lippyeepy]

turning 18 on a random sunday is so bewildering to me