Okay since tumblr is a blog website I guess I'm able to blog and vent about stuff
I'm always sort of never allowed myself to express the emotions I've mainly held about myself, my neglect, self-hatred, hypersexuality, SA and all that good stuff. It wasn't until I really found a character I bonded and related so hard with that I'm allowed to let all my awfulness and my joy onto him. It's liquid snake to no one's surprise.
I've struggle with self-expression because of the society I was born into (malaysia) where I really can't be open to anyone because it'll be disturbing to let everyone know your dirty laundry and mental issues aren't taken seriously. I've also gotten an overwhelming amount of negative conditioning to whenever I started to be open about my emotions, whether it was crying or being angry.
My parent's never helped too, they contributed to that and denied everything and anything that happened to me, both the assault and my suspected ADHD. Therapy isn't an option, my parents would know, it's expensive, I can't afford it. I'd tell my friends if it weren't for the fact I dislike seeing them knowing too much of me, seeing me so down when I'm good company.
"Then why are you telling us this?" Because I guess I'm in a vulnerable state right now, I'm just so sad that with all the joy that came with being into metal gear, I just can't help but feel so alone in this fandom.
I keep on stressing about the "what ifs", like what if I were not into dark topics, maybe then the community would've welcomed me with open arms like any other creator. Like what if I told everyone about my assault and how that's why I project so many terrible things into Liquid. Would they understand? Would they feel bad? Probably not, but there's never an answer until I do it.
Even in the dark fiction community there's not many welcoming faces that are willing to talk to me, or where I can't find them because they're exclusive to other big creators or in certain languages that are never mine.
There's also the blatant excuse for other big creators the moment they like dark stuff. Their fans will always forgive them after they say something like "It was ages ago" or "I've changed." How come I'm not excused? How come they're getting away with it???
Anyway, you must know by now that I ship Vsnake x Liquid Snake. It's more like a selfship than actual ship for me by now. But yeah I don't think that should be classified the most deplorable thing in the world. I love Vsnake, he's the one I'm attracted to, not Eli.
He's so comforting in a setting like that, to be loved regardless of how awful you are, no matter how disgusting you've been or are now. Having both a parental figure and being a partner is something just so impossible for me to have, but V provides it in this nice fantasy.
I know it's all fake at the end, but it's nice to have an outlet where I can express myself through everything. But it's awful how I'm getting death threats over a 'coping mechanism' I have like it's less healthy than any other ones.
I've seen the crowd applause for a creator that came open about how they got over their illness because of yumeshipping in the mgs fandom. And I can't help but go "what if" again. Why am I not given the same grace as them? Why can't I get that same reaction?
Whatever this whole thing is stupid and I'm stupid
titsay
ellievsbear
theartofmadeline
pixelskylines
snowghoul
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns
gracieabrams
