Things Only John Stamos could say No to, April 2015
Being John Stamos has rocked for decades. Only one person has been able to do it and also be famous so far during the entire course of human history. We live in an exciting time people -- just think right now about it to yourself (out loud preferred): “I am so lucky to be walking on the same Earth as John Stamos (and if you want to be inclusive, Tori Amos.)”
You may be asking yourself: what inspired this list? He’s no Patrick S, even a little bit at ALL. And you’d be right. But I saw him at a taco stand in LA and I figured him out. So are these officially Stamos’s opinions? No. But I’d be shocked if they weren’t. That’s how strong the connection we shared was while we argued over the tacos and who ordered first at the taco stand(I won the tacos but lost his friendship.)
1. A ride on a hot air balloon - for most people this is a dream right?! Here you are on your very own hot air balloon ride with an experienced pilot who also lets you take the reins every once in a while and knows how to manage the weighted bags and what not? Sounds like a pretty good, sweet deal. But not if you’re John Stamos. Your hair up in the air with all those chemicals around?! John Stamos knows that the atmosphere is 80% smelted garbage as far as one’s locks are concerned. Found that out on the set of Mission Impossible 3 before they axed him for Tom Cruise.
2. Jurassic Park (film and real-life scenario) - Stamos was offered the role of the lawyer, Nedry and the girl kid (in an Eddie Murphy lite scenario) in Jurassic Park and turned it down. I’m just assuming if you wouldnt do the movie you wouldnt attend the park in a real life situation. I mean 1) it’s probably expensive and we all know about his fiscal pragmatism particularly when it comes to tourism and 2) how could you not want to do that movie. I just started this list and I’m already kind of pissed at Stamos.
3. Ice Cream / Gelato - Doesn't care for it (except avocado flavors, not due to any ice cream related enjoyment but rather due to his strong avocado preference trumping all of his other preferences.)
4. Any Puppy - Don’t even try to sell him on a puppy. He puts them on Ebay immediately. Do you know how much a puppy becomes worth when its John Stamos’ puppy? That’s what really separates you and Stamos. Everything he touches turns to gold. Which is rough for the puppies if he isn’t wearing gloves.
5. Lori Loughlin - Potentially the hottest actress of the 90s. Stamos doesn’t care. They used to date. No you shouldn’t bring it up. RESPECT QUASI CELEBRITY PRIVACY.
6. A ride on a blimp - Please see #1 referencing hot air balloon rides / situations. Air quality, aerial height and it’s possible effects on hair quality.
7. Whitney Houston - The year? 1987. The place? No one can quite remember the details. Cocaine was mainstream.
9. Bob Saget - See #4 Loughlin, Lori. But it wasn’t even really about the connection between them as much as things are just super low key in San Francisco. With weather like that people get pretty relaxed about stuff.
11. French Fries - Well first off, they’re french. Second off, you’re Stamos. Gotta stay in shape, bud.
13a / 13b. Bacon / Kevin Bacon - Same rating for both which is a weird coincidence. Both are good friends but if you want to stay in shape you don’t call them too often. Especially after that bullshit with the Hollow Man screenplay. Also Kevin Bacon is ok.
15. Digital Marketing - Conversion rate, Schnomschmersion rate. Get a real job. Hold a comb in your hand, you’re a barber. The world needs barbers too (Stamos’ words not mine.)
19. Toyotas - They just keep driving. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Is that what you’re thinking you communist bastard?!
24. Eddie Murphy Flicks - Had a falling out during a communal punchbowl misunderstanding when they lived on West Sunset near the asian banana hammock company (O’Doyle Cools: Not speedos, legit hammocks made of banana peels.) Totally forgives him but can’t enjoy the flicks,
32. Cabbage - Never had it, don’t ask him to try it.
37. Tacos - Has interest. Gumption is another story.
42. The Guy from Blues Traveler - “It’s over man. I’m doing Full-er House on FUCKING Netflix. What are you doing bro? I’m John FUCKING Stamos. That’s my middle name, cause I’m John Stamos and that’s what I do. Also I did eat your sandwich on that press junket in ‘94. And I don’t regret it.”
54. Vanilla Wafers - wait, why?
82. Yacht Rides - Remember the 90s? Stamos practically lived on yachts the whole decade. Once you’re on a Yacht for more than 20 minutes it’s a little boring - imagine living on them whenever you want for 10 whole years. Cause that’s what happened in this scenario with this specific person.













