Lists Of Thangs

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Things Only John Stamos could say No to, April 2015

Being John Stamos has rocked for decades. Only one person has been able to do it and also be famous so far during the entire course of human history. We live in an exciting time people -- just think right now about it to yourself (out loud preferred): “I am so lucky to be walking on the same Earth as John Stamos (and if you want to be inclusive, Tori Amos.)” 

You may be asking yourself: what inspired this list? He’s no Patrick S, even a little bit at ALL. And you’d be right. But I saw him at a taco stand in LA and I figured him out. So are these officially Stamos’s opinions? No. But I’d be shocked if they weren’t. That’s how strong the connection we shared was while we argued over the tacos and who ordered first at the taco stand(I won the tacos but lost his friendship.)

1. A ride on a hot air balloon - for most people this is a dream right?! Here you are on your very own hot air balloon ride with an experienced pilot who also lets you take the reins every once in a while and knows how to manage the weighted bags and what not? Sounds like a pretty good, sweet deal. But not if you’re John Stamos. Your hair up in the air with all those chemicals around?! John Stamos knows that the atmosphere is 80% smelted garbage as far as one’s locks are concerned. Found that out on the set of Mission Impossible 3 before they axed him for Tom Cruise.

2. Jurassic Park (film and real-life scenario) - Stamos was offered the role of the lawyer, Nedry and the girl kid (in an Eddie Murphy lite scenario) in Jurassic Park and turned it down. I’m just assuming if you wouldnt do the movie you wouldnt attend the park in a real life situation. I mean 1) it’s probably expensive and we all know about his fiscal pragmatism particularly when it comes to tourism and 2) how could you not want to do that movie. I just started this list and I’m already kind of pissed at Stamos.

3. Ice Cream / Gelato - Doesn't care for it (except avocado flavors, not due to any ice cream related enjoyment but rather due to his strong avocado preference trumping all of his other preferences.)

4. Any Puppy - Don’t even try to sell him on a puppy. He puts them on Ebay immediately. Do you know how much a puppy becomes worth when its John Stamos’ puppy? That’s what really separates you and Stamos. Everything he touches turns to gold. Which is rough for the puppies if he isn’t wearing gloves.

5. Lori Loughlin - Potentially the hottest actress of the 90s. Stamos doesn’t care. They used to date. No you shouldn’t bring it up. RESPECT QUASI CELEBRITY PRIVACY.

6. A ride on a blimp - Please see #1 referencing hot air balloon rides / situations. Air quality, aerial height and it’s possible effects on hair quality.

7. Whitney Houston - The year? 1987. The place? No one can quite remember the details. Cocaine was mainstream. 

9. Bob Saget - See #4 Loughlin, Lori. But it wasn’t even really about the connection between them as much as things are just super low key in San Francisco. With weather like that people get pretty relaxed about stuff.

11. French Fries - Well first off, they’re french. Second off, you’re Stamos. Gotta stay in shape, bud.

13a / 13b. Bacon / Kevin Bacon - Same rating for both which is a weird coincidence. Both are good friends but if you want to stay in shape you don’t call them too often. Especially after that bullshit with the Hollow Man screenplay. Also Kevin Bacon is ok.

15. Digital Marketing - Conversion rate, Schnomschmersion rate. Get a real job. Hold a comb in your hand, you’re a barber. The world needs barbers too (Stamos’ words not mine.)

19. Toyotas - They just keep driving. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Is that what you’re thinking you communist bastard?! 

24. Eddie Murphy Flicks - Had a falling out during a communal punchbowl misunderstanding when they lived on West Sunset near the asian banana hammock company (O’Doyle Cools: Not speedos, legit hammocks made of banana peels.) Totally forgives him but can’t enjoy the flicks,

32. Cabbage - Never had it, don’t ask him to try it.

37. Tacos - Has interest. Gumption is another story.

42. The Guy from Blues Traveler - “It’s over man. I’m doing Full-er House on FUCKING Netflix. What are you doing bro? I’m John FUCKING Stamos. That’s my middle name, cause I’m John Stamos and that’s what I do. Also I did eat your sandwich on that press junket in ‘94. And I don’t regret it.” 

54. Vanilla Wafers - wait, why?

82. Yacht Rides - Remember the 90s? Stamos practically lived on yachts the whole decade. Once you’re on a Yacht for more than 20 minutes it’s a little boring - imagine living on them whenever you want for 10 whole years. Cause that’s what happened in this scenario with this specific person.

[listsofthangs-blog]

Ice Cream / Ice Cream Treats, Definitive Rankings: Spring 2013

1. Chubby Hubby - When you start a discussion about the number one ice cream in the universe that discussion is short and it starts and ends with Chubby Hubby. You've got peanut butter inside of pretzels, inside of a fudge shell, inside of vanilla malt ice cream which itself is rippled with fudge and peanut butter swirls. They even made up a new word, 'rippled' to describe what's going with this innovative frozen mouth attack. Are you fucking kidding me? Push yourself and your tastebuds. Grow as people -- if we don't all eat Chubby Hubby at least thrice a year and it somehow is discontinued it will be more of a blow to consumer confidence than anything that has happened in Europe during the last five years and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves. Rational thought must prevail-- I'm trying to save society here. I don't actually know if Chubby Hubby needs to be saved but if it does then damn it we should save it. Whatever, I'm sounding the alarm preemptively because I couldn't find it at this one grocery store the other day. I might be overreacting. 

2. Artisan Coffee Ice Cream(s) - Good enough to replace coffee and conquer the world. Everyone knows it and yet no one talks about it. 

3. Ice Cream Snickers - The best way to spend $2 maybe in the universe. Why do we even have regular Snickers? This is the superior food. Only ranked number 3 because it is unquestionably responsible for the existence of diabetes. That being said, if we could JUST make them healthy we could solve a lot of the world's problems but of course no one's even trying because it's "impossible" and the world has "other problems." People suck. Cause and Effect is realer than syphilis science and rest assured science, syphilis is real. You need to get out more science. Sex is happening whether you nerds acknowledge it or not. 

4. Pistachio Pistachio - The ice cream of choice for Jay Smith, a man who has spent his entire life exploring and evaluating ice creams.

5. Wouldn't you fucking like to know (it's italian, it's a gelato, it's only available at one place in Umbria. I've said too much already.) 

6. Toasted Almond Good Humor Bar - The most innovative use of Almond's in world history. Somehow they have taken a so-so nut and created an ice cream bar more epic than the entire Game Of Thrones series (and I'm a fan-- I'm just citing facts here.) 

7. Orange Push Pop (Fred Flintstone Edition) - I don't know why the Orange Fred Flinstone Push Pop is such a transcendent frozen treat. Was there an accident of awesome at the factory? Is it some combination of nostalgia and prehistoric karma? No one can say for sure, except for Fred Flintstone and he's both dead and fictional (hate to break it to you guys.) Or he's alive in a parallel cartoon universe... and people say I'm not a deep thinker. All we know for sure is that some combination of the cream, the orange and the pushing / popping makes this a fucking incredible treat. Also, I want to hang out with dinosaurs and this is a good thing to eat while I consider that possibility more extensively. 

8. Choco Taco - A delectable and surprisingly complex ice cream treat for the on-the-go ice cream aficionado. Their advanced waffle cone shaping techniques are both unquestioned and unduplicated. This my friends is ice cream intersection of delicious and value. You can almost hear it's creator saying "you're welcome universe" while posing triumphantly. 

9. Oreo Ice Cream (in the vast majority of instances but PARTICULARLY when included in a parfait) - It's just really good. Don't overcomplicate things, guys. Some things just are. 

10. Superman Ice Cream (not to be confused with Rainbow Sherbert which eats more garbage than goats) - People will tell you it's just rainbow colored vanilla or blue moon ice cream. They couldn't be more wrong. Somewhere along the coloring process a chemical flavor masterpiece entered into the equation and changed the game. Is it safe to eat? Tough to say. Is it safe to enjoy? Oh most definitely it is. Game, Set, Match: chemicals. 

11. Classic Ice Cream Sandwich - Enjoy motherfucker! The filling isn't even vanilla, it's just ice cream: standard edition. Many believe it's the first ice cream we ever created. A prehistoric ice cream of sorts (damn it I wish we could ask Flintstone about this-- but it's like they always say 'only the good die in a cartoon parallel universe.') I challenge you not to find top ten enjoyment in a basic ice cream sandwich. The sum of it's parts outweighs the parts. Like an Asian auto company (I hate to say it, but it's true. Toyota's are going to out live everyone. I'm aware of what Honda is doing in robotics, but if you have to bet your money on one set of robots to end up Matrixing us-- make it Toyota. I don't even know if they make robots yet but nothing they make ever breaks.)  

12. Strawberry Ice Cream (when you're in the mood for it) - With chunks of strawberry? I mean get real people. That's what dreams are made of. Literally. 

13. Any Chipwich - Moored at 13 not because of a lack of deliciousness but rather due to the high degree of difficulty involved in eating it without getting ice cream all over your hands and shirt. The Cheeto of the ice cream ecosystem. 

14. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (Green Version) - Somewhere along the line people started making a white version which is fucking gross. That being said the traditional Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream is a breath of fresh air that signals loud and clear "Good Times are Ahead." It's not dissimilar from the feeling the male population gets when girls decide to start wearing white pants again. 

15. Moose Tracks Ice Cream - A strong ice cream clearly made by an accident. These people definitely don't understand flavors but you commend them for their efforts. 

16. Blue Moon Ice Cream - 1/10 of the flavor of Superman ice cream. So all-in-all, pretty fucking good. 

17. Pretty much all Gelatos - They're really good. One is even REALLY good but I will never reveal it's name. 

20. Any Ice Cream with Peanut Butter Cups in It - Whatever, Peanut Butter Cups rule. I don't have to explain myself to you. 

22. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream - Sure it's good, but grow up. Everyone else has moved on. There is new ice cream out there just waiting to be enjoyed. There are only like 4 flavors at work here, tops. Get a palette (disregard this entry if you're under 12 years old and go ahead and do your thing youngster-- you're still learning flavors.)

23. Cake Batter Ice Cream - Please see #22: Cookie Dough, Chocolate Chip. 

32. Coffee Mocha Ice Cream - I mean it's a little too complex isn't it? 

35. King Cones with Caramel and / or Chocolate Centers - Only ranked so low because a box of them can be finished in mere seconds. If your appetite is meager than run to the not so mighty King Cone like an eager beaver (see what I did there? I call it, wordplay.)

36. Vanilla / Chocolate - Both pretty good. If you enjoy SETTLING for things. 

41. Neapolitan - Not cause it's great but just cause I'm pro integration. 

62. All Sherberts (besides Orange Sherbert which is stellar) - Only eat sherbert if your name is Bert or if your back is up against the wall. Or ideally, both. 

66. All Cheesecake Ice Creams - Why did you buy a whole carton? This is clearly to rich to be properly enjoyed before it is torched with freezer burn. Some fucking people. 

71. Fried Helado - I don't actually know what it is but I had to include it just to get America's burgeoning latino population off my back. 

158. Any Klondike Bar - Sure you're going to have a nice time but don't expect any points for creativity, you chronic underachiever. You're consuming the ice cream version of a hyundai. 

226. Italian Ices - You earned your brain freeze, you fucking amateur. 

441. Rum Raisin - If I had a farm I would feed it to the cats on the farm that I'm angry with. 

2,542. Carrot Cake Ice Cream - I mean you may as well kill yourself because you clearly don't value your life. 

[listsofthangs-blog]

Definitive Rankings: Types of Nuts, Winter (January Edition) 2013

1. Pistachios - Fact: if Pistachios weren't green they would be the most popular food on EARTH. 

2. Peanuts (slightly salted) - S/O (that means shoutout) to GWC (George Washington Carver) an american hero and food pioneer for the ages. Despite the thoughts of people who like honey roasted peanuts and other types of peanuts-- slightly salted peanuts are the best peanuts. That's why they serve them on airplanes, so even if you discover you have a peanut allergy on the plane and you die you at least died eating the second best nut in the universe. 

3. Pecans - Disgusting looking but delicious- particularly when involved with cinnamon. I avoided Pecans for decades but I came back. Like a crackhead parent when they find out their son is an NBA player-- and damn it, I'm glad I did. 

4. Hazelnut - Thanks for Nutella, Hazelnut. Good looking out. Very few nuts have done more for humans than you solely due to the Nutella you bestowed upon us. I understand why people in Ecuador call them "God Nuts." I actually haven't ever eaten a Hazelnut but I don't see how they could be bad. 

5. Chestnuts - Can't help but feel that we need to be more careful with these open fires, but all in all a pretty good nut. 

6. DEEZ NUTS - just a joke, guys. Trying to keep things light. 

7. Peanuts (shelled) - Good for a baseball game, bad for a car ride when you're driving. Because I'm a truck driver I spend a lot of time on the road. But I also spend a lot of time at baseball games so I mean... I'm torn. This is a tough ranking. 

8. Honey Roasted Peanuts - I just put this here to piss people off. In all seriousness though-- pretty average compared to a lightly salted peanut. Probably would be 4th if it tasted better. 

14. Pine nuts - more of a nut accessory but if I ate salads and were less manly I would love pine nuts. 

18. Brazil nuts - Thanks for giving all those girls awesome butts Brazil nuts-- you and I are cool. But don't ask me for a ride to the airport. For several reasons, but chief among them that you are a nut and shouldn't be buying plane tickets. 

34. Wasabi Nuts - I don't love you but damn it I respect you. 

48. Almonds - people love you and I just don't get it. You're the Pitbull of nuts to me, Almonds. 

56. Macadamia nuts - you are a mystery wrapped in a shell and also a wrapper in most scenarios. What makes you tick Macadamia nuts?!?!

98. Glazed nuts - Just eat candy. Be real.

106. Walnuts - Gross dude, is that all they had at the store or something? 

904. Acorns - Haven't had one, but how bad can they be?

118,903. Cashews - HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE MIXED NUT BOWL? YOU ARE THE RAW ONION OF NUTS YOU FREERIDING BASTARD. 

[listsofthangs-blog]

Holidays, Definitive Rankings: Winter 2012

1. Umm Motherfucking Christmas Motherfucker- Are you shitting me person reading this list?

2. Kwanza - Not gonna lie this is kindve an affirmative action ranking. 

3/408. Halloween - heavily dependent on if you have a good costume ready to go. If you do it's potentially the best. If you don't it's 408th. One time I had this unreal Stockton/Malone costume ready to roll and my friend who was supposed to be Malone moved to Atlanta. I salvaged the day and had sex with a girl adjacent to a dumpster but it wasn't nearly as great as it would have been if I had gotten laid after running a social pick and roll. 

3a. July 4th / New Years - Let's blow some shit up and get blackout drunk? This holiday fucking rules. New Years is more hype than Fourth of July and probably not as cool but when you hit on a good one it's great and justifies the ranking. That being said if I were not tired of typing already it would probably be right before Ramadan. 

4. Thanksgiving - A unabashed celebration of American excess is what I'm all about. Also someone in my family always gets way too drunk, throws up over the balcony and tries to play it off like they're totally fine. Fun to watch it unfold annually. 

5. Easter - Pretty dope holiday. An excuse to randomly hide eggs? Thereby fucking with children in a way sanctioned by most of the world? Fantastic. Good luck reaching the eggs I put in the branches of that tree, idiots. 

7. Veterans Day / Memorial Day - You guys are cool. More so as a group than as individuals, but some of you as individuals also.

8. Hannukah - Get over yourself Hannukah. Delayed gratification is so 60s. 

9. Ramadan - Once again... pretty 60s. Receives high ranking due to the massive amounts of kids it inexplicably excuses from school. 

10. Columbus Day / Labor Day - We should change the name of Columbus day to Eric the Red day because straight up he discovered North America first. Columbus is just some clown who couldn't make it to India. I will forever look at you as a failure and a goon Christopher Columbus. Bring my ancestors the spices / spice rack your promised. I included Labor Day here cause I'm not totally sure what it's all about. 

11. Presidents Day - Whatever. Get over yourselves Presidents. You made a holiday for yourselves? That shit is embarrassing. 

[listsofthangs-blog]

Definitive Rankings Fall 2012: Best Types of Sweaters / Warm Shirts

1. Henleys - Oh I'm sorry are my rippling pecs that are popping open these well-placed, seemingly unnecessary buttons distracting you?!? Oh wait sorry I'm not sorry, these shirts F-ING RULE. It's like 1984 the actual year not the book. Get used to these dancing chest bushes because I'll be rocking these mantastic shirts all winter near fires I built. 

2. Hoodies - Very controversial due to racists a good hoody is still worth its weight in gold. Some would argue a good hoody is actually worth substantially more than its weight in gold because they don't weigh that much. 

3. Puffy Jackets - While some would argue that they are not sweaters I dont think anyone would argue that they aren't amazing. Also a good way to weed out people who are into "style" over substance. Or to let you know to include those who recognize that puffy jackets are so full of substance that they're stylish. 

4. Cashmere Sweaters - I'm usually against things that you cant buy at WalMart and I know they're expensive but damn it, THEY ARE SOFT. 

5. Patagonia's Better Sweater - Fuck these things are awesome. I want to hate on them but I can't. Well played Yvon Childouvenyardguard or whatever your name is. Hopefully someone tells you about this tumblr on the mountain you're climbing. Do you get internets on those mountains? 

6. Waffle Shirts - Ranked so high in part due to my confusion about how they use waffle irons and / or waffle batter to make these shirts, they are undeniably incredible. Good as an under shirt particularly if you want to look cool but you also want to wear a t-shirt and can't because of seasons and all that bullshit.

7. Long sleeve shirts - not that warm but damn it if it's the right poly-cotton blend you can be comfortable. Good thing to wear after you made a fire in your henley if you've been wearing your henley for more than two weeks straight. 

27. Merino Wool Sweaters - Not half bad Merino. Whoever you are. 

44. Classy sweater/jackets/wool coats - horrible value. average looks. keep wearing them idiots-- i'll be rocking my puffy jacket looking warm as hell-- like a colored stay puffed marshmellow man getting all the ladies cause babes love men who look like marshmellow men. 

81. Wool Sweaters (Lamb) - Even sheep hate wool. Even sheep hate it. Partially cause they didn't wise up and shear it / sell it themselves, but also because it's itchy and it sucks. 

5012. Turtlenecks - You look like an idiot (unless you're Sterling Archer codename: Duchess in which case you look like a BAMF.)

[listsofthangs-blog]

Top Movies with Patrick Swayze that I've seen recently

1. Point Break - Watch it every day before bed and every morning before I wake up. 

2. Roadhouse - Watching it right now. So balla the way Swayze declothes Kelly Lynch and throws her against the rocks and she's all like what? Are we really going to bang fireplace adjacent and you can tell Swayze just isnt sure but fortunately the house is really big and so they move somewhere else to do it and it's super romantic. 

3. ????????????

4. Red Dawn - I'm lying I haven't seen it very recently. Heard the new one got bad reviews which has me pretty stoked for it. 

5. Ghost - Been wanting to watch it more recently than I have but I cant find a VCR and it seems crazy to pick up another copy with everything going digital and all. 

6. Dirty Dancing - True story I sang a karaoke duet of "Time of Your Life" with Robin Ziegler this summer. I don't have any definitive proof of how it went, but I felt like I crushed it. 

[listsofthangs-blog]

Definitive Rankings Fall 2012: DC Area Bowling Alleys

1. Bowlmor Lanes - (The Artist Formerly Known as BowlAmerica) - That one in Bethesda near that grocery store where all those old people were getting mugged by the ATM. Someone said that was a misunderstanding but it seems unlikely.

2. The one out in Virginia that you have to drive really far to get to near the military base. It’s like going into a time machine that takes you to 1992. Stellar bad 90s food fare.

3. That one in the GWU student center that we’re not supposed to be allowed to go to and no one is quite sure where it is. Getting there is a total enchanted forest situation but IF you do successfully then you’re about to have an average bowling experience. If you dont know what that means, it means an awesome time. You need to get out more and experience the world. 

8. Wolf Blitzer’s friend’s neighbor’s bowling alley - havent been but have heard great things. Really nice people, average fare, lots of cheese in the fridge. 

12. Chevy Chase Club Bowling Alley - I’m assuming they have one cause who puts an ice rink in before a bowling alley. Idiots that’s who. Gotta be one in there. 

[listsofthangs-blog]

Types of Bread Definitive Rankings: Fall 2012

1. Biscuits - If we could make every bread in the world taste like biscuits I'd imagine we'd be more than halfway to solving most of the world's problems. 

2. Cornbread - Sure the complaints are many "oh corn bread cant used for sandwiches", "oh i cant toast cornbread", "cornbread isnt that good without butter" and honestly these naysayers are idiots and really just objectively wrong. Corn bread is always great. No one has even given cornbread a shot as an every-down bread. Not fair to hold that against c-bread. If Reggie Bush could carry the load as the feature back for the Miami Dolphins last year, Cornbread can carry the load as the #2 bread in the Fall of 2012. So that's pretty much fool-proof logic that should endure for generations. 

3. Martin's Potato Bread - The perfect medium between all white and wheat breads. Delicious toasted, delicious untoasted, creates a killer PB and J. An incredibly strong bread. 

4. Pretzel Bread - One of the great culinary innovations of our time (right up there with the McGriddle), Pretzel Bread makes any sandwich a winner, immediately. Even if fruits are on it or something weird and unamerican like that. 

5. Honey Wheat - A solid performer in every category. The Honey Nut Cheerios of the Bread Game. 

7. Traditional Sub Roll - What more can you want. Top-notch sandwich support. Let's the ingredients shine while adding a zesty crunch to what you've got going on. 

8. Pita and Laffa Bread - A tasty bread treat from our friends in the Mediterranean. Fingers crossed you guys can figure your stuff out. Thanx for the bread though!

9. Foccacia - Situational / Specialty bread. Bit player. Great change of pace bread particularly when you're trying to look a little puffier. Lots of bubbles in it. 

10. Cinnamon Raisin Bread - My highest ranked situational bread (cause obviously cornbread would be a load carrier just given the opportunity / if distributed in loafs)-- if youre in the mood, you toast it and you've got butter? Not much better. You can have a corn bread style experience with this baby. 

14. Baguette (with olive oil to dip it in) - BAM! NEXT LEVEL FRANCE.  

18. Crumpet - Best thing British people have ever done, by far. 

20. Basically any reasonably decent bread (toasted) - Why is toast so much better than bread? One of the world's great mysteries. 

22. Any bread with olive oil to dip it in 

28. Wheat bread (traditional) - Enjoy the poops cause that's the main appeal of this bread.

30. Rye (Toasted) - Pretty good experience.  

31. Croissants - Too flaky.

36. Baguette - See 30. 

42. White Bread (traditional) - Get your head out of your ass and enjoy some more varied breads. There is a whole world out there you idiot. You just keep eating what your obtuse parents fed you? You should be embarrassed (although granted it tastes pretty legit.)  

58. Marble Rye - Co-Stanza. 

204. Brioche - Get over yourself, Brioche. 

911. Banana Bread - This bread should never have happened. I'm not in the habit of saying that something is unnatural but Banana Bread is as close as something gets to that for me. "Oh, Let's Take These Rotten Bananas and make Bread out of it and GIVE IT TO PEOPLE AS A GIFT." I dont know why I capitalized those letters but it just felt right. If you give me banana bread in any situation it will be looked at as an act of personal terrorism. That goes double for banana bread with walnuts in it. Congratulations on your slashed tires. 

1,578. Sourdough - Gross. If you guys in San Francisco are too stubborn to stop eating it that's your problem but stop trying to bring the rest of us down with you. 

2,106. Rye (untoasted) - It really doesnt taste good. Really an indicator that the bread industry is trying to pull one over on us and get us to eat this bitter terrible nonsense but I'm exposing untoasted rye for what it is. Disgusting.

[listsofthangs-blog]

Best Non-Alcoholic Beverages Definitive Rankings: Fall 2012

1. Coco Cafe - found only in the darkest corners of the grocery store universe, Coco Cafes provide the consummate non-alcoholic beverage experience. For a paltry 1.99, you receive a simultaneous buzz from excessive caffeine and complete hydration. Also it tastes kinda like melted coffee ice cream which is clearly a W. Lot going on with this drink. Economists have speculated that it could replace both Coffee and Water effectively eliminating both industries (while creating a trillion dollar, incredibly delicious empire.) Basically, the crown jewel of non-alcoholic beverages. 

2. Peach Honest Tea - The ultimate fucking iced tea. Not too sweet, Fucking delicious peach flavors. What more can you reasonably want? 

3. Peach Coconut Water (Vitacoco) - Just a strong drink all-around. 

4. ????? - Can't disclose number 4 at this point in time. Probably my defining drink at this point in time. Do you see where we are right now, chronologically? 

5. Chocolate Milk (sometimes with sea salt in that bitch) - explanation unnecessary      

6. Properly hand mixed Arnold Palmer - Most people dont know how to do this. One of the more important and chronically underrated skills in life. People who don't know how to mix a legit Arnold Palmer ratio wise? No room for them in your life. Or my life-- I guess it's a personal decision. 

7. Nuero Bliss - Remember all sport? This is all sport on steroids with fake promises about making you happy. The carbonated nectar of the gods. Relax and enjoy. 

8. Arnold Palmer (Arizona Iced Tea) - Should be extremely cold for proper imbibing.

9. Coffee - It's weird that everyone is like "man I really need a coffee this morning" cause coffee just makes people shit like 20 minutes later. So what everyone is really saying is "I REALLY need to take my morning shit" and "coffee" is pretty much a euphemism. That's why it's kindve gross how deep some people get into the coffee scene. 

12. Purple gatorade (Riptide Rush preferably the G2 edition) 

13. Grape soda - delicious but unlucky. 

14. Orange juice if you're vibing that orange flavor. Also number 4 is orange soda. 

15. Orange gatorades

16. Most other gatorades if you're in the mood for them. 

17. Anything that came out of a soda stream - "what do i do professionally? I don't have a job per say but I have a lot of hobbies, I make artisan sodas for instance. Sure, I've thought about brewing beer but it's a lot of work and effort, so Ive decided to spend most of my time just mixing my own sodas for now and mastering the carbonation aspect. Definitely not doing nothing and occasionally drinking carbonated water." 

18. Shout-out to Bug Juice AKA Super Sugar Water 

19. Regular water - it's pretty ok. 

22. San Pellegrino - It would be higher on the list but I accidentally ranked a bunch of other stuff higher. Pretty good though. 

25. Perrier - See #22 and then add a slight bit of pretension. 

26. Lime flavored seltzer - the undisputed king of flavored seltzers. 

32. Other flavored seltzers if youre in the mood for them. 

214. Tonic Water - I don't know how we drank this stuff long enough to figure out that it's good with alcohol.  

411. YooHoo - No one knows what is in there and it's finally starting to make people uncomfortable. If you've got the stock, dump it. 

15,247 - European Orange Juice - Your orange juice is reprehensible. I don't know how it's different or what's wrong with it but you guys are fucking up the oranges and subsequently their juice over there. Maybe you're raising the oranges wrong or you're doing something after they get there but either way, it is gross man. Get your shit together Europe.  

[listsofthangs-blog]

Greatest Living People Named Bill Rankings: Fall 2012

1. Bill Murray - Self Explanatory. 

2. Bill Clinton - I saw him once in person wearing the most awesome american flag sweater. 

3. Bill Bellamy - Cause of the 90s and stuff. Also cause on Any Given Sunday you're either gonna win or you're gonna lose.

4. Bill Wook - Good med student, better FRIEND.

6. Bill Brasky - I once saw Bill Brasky leap off a giraffe into the outstretched arms of an elephant. He then joined their tribe, subsequntly became the most popular elephant of them all... without even being an elephant.

5. Bill from the market/corner store near my spot - Not sure what his last name is but all-around good guy.

7. Bill Pullman - I mean holy shit-- have you seen Independence Day recently?!

8. Bill Paxton - I mean holy shit -- have you seen Twister recently?

11. Bill Russell - Would be higher if it wasn't for his cantankerous attitude. He's also ranked this high in part due to his cantankerous attitude 

68. Bill Buckner - Great Curb episode. Not sure what he did before but his star is definitely rising.

78. Bill Nye - The Science Guy.

79. Bill Gates - Whatever, he's ok.

99. Bill Hader - Congrats! You're the 99th best guy named Bill during the fall of 2012. Not half bad, my man.

208. Bill Beusash - Really annoying on listserves but generally a good guy.

214. Bill Simmons - Dude, stop presenting your weird opinions as facts. Everything you say isn't right -- although so far you've still been a net positive due to Grantland.

465. Bill Shakespeare - I can't see real good is he over there? This is obviously the Shakespeare from Milwaukee, not that there are any others.

2,452 - Bil Maher - Annoying to hang out with. Also Religulous was a waste of a good concept.

2,453 - Bill Goldberg - Oddly, best friends with Bill Maher.

4,468. Bill Cosby - Dude--  I know he's old, but he's been a dick recently.

[listsofthangs-blog]

Greatest Sandwiches in the World Rankings: Fall 2012

1. Vine St Expressway (from Taylor Gourmet in Washington DC) - If you're into pesto, forget the resto.

2. Fast Gourmet's Milanesa - Known for doling out sick borderline heart attacks on the reg this is only for committed artery cloggers who dont value their life or the lives of others. A sandwich for the world's laziest daredevils. It is a delight.

3. Taco Truck (Hoboken, NJ) Pollo Asado Torta - I think this might be made out of chicken or out of a really strange other meat. Tough to say cause the menu is in Spanish. It's far and away the most compelling and spiciest reason to venture into the dingy Hoboken swamps.

4. The Jetties (DC) Thanksgiving sub. - FUCKING Stuffing, FUCKING muenster cheese, FUCKING carved turkey, FUCKING Cranberry sauce. Whenever the FUCK you want. Thanks for the giving us the moon Jetties.

5. This sandwich I made up once at Carving Board - artisan crab cake, check. delcious melted cheese of unknown origins, chalk it up (check.), Green peppers AND Red Peppers? Yup. Spinach? Yup. Onions? Absolutely not this is the number 5 sandwich in the world (there is no debate)-- we dont have any freeriding fucking onions on here. Onions are the vegetable that has contributed the least to society. Also this sandwich had Russian dressing on it. And it was on a subroll. Checkmate motherfuckers.

6. Po Boys (NOLA) - contents irrelevant. awesome? absolutely.

7. Classic Reuben from a Jewish Delicatessen in Manhattan - Classic sandwich staple has fallen precipitously due to rumors that sandwich cornerstone Russian dressing is merely a mix of ketchup and mayonnaise.

8. Most Sandwiches from Carving Board (Winston-Salem, NC) - You read right, Carving Board is fucking awesome. The Pride of Winston-Salem. Delicious ice / drinks are surpassed only by their spicy NOODLES. Eat your heart out Chris Paul.

9. Skippy's - Best Chili Cheese dog.

11. Hot Diggity Dog - Worst Chili Cheese dog.

13.  The Fried Chicken Luther - Fried Chicken, syrup, cheese, bacon. Served on a freshly made donut. Dont drink the coffee though cause it's gross and the cream there is shit. Oh yeah this is at Church Key. Fucking hipster ass wait staff / sandwich... how did this get to 13?

14. Any above average mix of ingredients on a pretzel roll

15. Al's Italian Beef - people from chicago just wont shut up about this so even though I havent had it yet I've added it to this list to appease them. On an unrelated note Chamberlain was always a hero of mine.

16. Philly Cheesesteak - in philly make sure that bread is straight proper.

28. A correctly made / topped ballpark hotdog - lot of give and take in the hotdog game, the vendor can only do so much. The rest is up to you.

68. Dioli's Chicken Sandwich - No explanation.

72. Most hotdogs.

117. Chicken Philly - GROW UP.

118. Turkey Reuben - The horrific step child of the original rueben and thinly sliced turkey.

9,806. Anything from Quiznos

111, 409. Anything from subway

[listsofthangs-blog]

Drug Store Rankings: Fall 2012

1) Rite Aid - it's the king

2) Walgreens - unparalleled selection of as seen on tv items 

3) CVS - good drinks, average pharmacy

4) Eckerds - would be tied for #2 due to their strong organized army of pharmacists but held back by lack of location 

5) tie between all other pharmacies

6) homeless person black market pharmacies - accessed mostly by Drew 

7) Publix