you express your desire to hold alter but there's always something in the way. be it her tail, her mental disclosure, the way she still doesn't trust anyone (not even you) to embrace her without a hidden desire or an intention to hurt her.
and so she just goes,
βonly the weak need to be held, y/n. and i'm strong.β
but some day she lets you hold her. without saying a word she craves for your safe touch. and you know not to break the silence β because if you say even one thing wrong, and you can never know what she considers wrong next, she'll disappear and never let it happen again.
β alter is physically touchy and doesn't shy away from initiating it with anyone. threatening someone and lifting them up by their throat; pushing her side against theirs and gliding her arms around their shoulders followed by an intimidating remark; craddling someone onto the ground, nonchalantly spinning a gun in her hand while deciding what to do with her new prey.
β so she doesn't only initiate physical touch with someone she cares about. (in fact, before you she didn't realize she even could care about anyone.) physical touch creates a false sense of closure and she uses it to her advantage.
β no one gets to touch her unless it's a part of her guise. they'll get her turning the touches around in an instant by a swing of her tail or end up receiving an elbow to their vitals.
β that is exactly how it starts with you as well.
β then her touches start getting less dangerous around you.
β you'll feel actually secure when she holds her hand on your shoulder. you'll find yourself trapped between her legs from behind, feel her head on your shoulder and her fingertips nibbling at your palms.
β she'll take your hand sometimes while leading you to whatever she's excited to show you. if you have tattoos, she will be coloring them again and again. you'll also get more doodles by markers.
β still it's mostly her who is initiating the touches.
β sometimes you may be the one taking her hand if you want to show her something β and you know to be careful, but she'll allow you to take that chance.
β maybe you're excited enough about your project or anything to take her hands into yours or hug her. you'll see her eyes wide and baffled, find her body frozen to the touch.
β do you treat your tools with gentle hands and kindness like that? at first she doesn't understand the way your mind works. she probably won't for a long time.
β but you're not angry at her when she doesn't understand to hug you back. and you don't push her away when she clings onto you from the back.
β she's conflicted about your actions and her own emotions about the realization.
β if her touch is nonchalant, she'll drag her arms around your shoulders for a hug. if she wants actual closure, she prefers to hug your waist.
β the first time she does, she just wraps her arms around your waist and drops her head onto your shoulder. pushes her head to your neck and groans about her day.
β you bring your hand to her hair carefully. she doesn't move her head. she actually nudges against your touch, asks for your safe touch without using words.
β right there you realize how touch-starved she is and has always been but she's never shown it. refuses to show it. it's not important to think about, she's sure, and she always has something else to do than thinking about these things β something more fun like creating chaos.
β when she trusts you, she's like a cat that demands for attention when it comes to wanting your touch.
β she'll push her head to your lap and expect you to pet her hair. hop onto your back for a piggyback ride and keep herself wrapped around you while you're working. follow you around, keeping her head on your shoulder from behind and quite literally dragging herself after your steps.
β she never says βtouch meβ or βtake care of meβ though. it's always brushed off by something like βgive me attention,β βi'm bored,β etc.
β once you do give her the attention she needs, she won't let you go. your hand is now stuck in her hair β she's holding it there whenever you're about to let go. you've spooned her for a while and try to move away, but she's tangling you right back with her tail.
β she's so casual and open with physical affection, and it's never sexual from her.
β when lying in bed, alter will often be nude. it's everyone's natural state and alter finds it comfortable and not awkward in the slightest.
β she'll have herself pressed against your back, her face buried between your shoulder blades and legs wrapped around your thighs.
β if you're hugging her, she's tucking her head under yours and cradling into your touch but never expressing how much she needs your safe closure. she lets you think she's just allowing it to happen to prove she can be nice too β or you're letting her think she's deceiving you.
β you'll learn not to physically comfort her after she's had a nightmare. but that's okay. when she's had enough of her personal space, she'll drag her fingernails over your skin wordlessly, then tuck herself right back into your arms. just don't expect her to talk about it.
β you always wake up either with her already gone from the bed or with you being pushed to the edge, having her hair in your mouth and alter's limbs being thrown all around the bed in the most uncomfortable positions imaginable. (but still it's better than no sleep for her. and so, even if you complain about it, you always let her back in your bed to rest.)
β she doesn't kiss anyone elseβ she never hasβ and she doesn't kiss you a lot either. it isn't her way of showing care or affection.
β you can kiss her, but you'll learn not to expect her to kiss you back most of the time.
β she'll let you kiss her cheek. you'll kiss her forehead, her knuckles, whatever places you want, and she lets you because it's you.
β but you don't get these types of kisses from her. instead you'll get hugs from behind, her tail wrapping around your waist, her head on your shoulder.
β sometimes she wonders why people invented kissing on the lips as βthe wayβ of showing affection in the first place.
β why couldn't it be ears pressed against each other instead? pinkies intertwined together? or couldn't it be a kiss to the back of another's neck β why does it have to be the lips?
β it doesn't mean that she dislikes you giving her kisses though.
β sometimes, though rare times, she may just grab you by your collars and pull you in for a quick, messy kiss if you won't initiate one first.
β again, it's you. even if it isn't her way of showing affection, she grows even needy of it when it just comes from you.
β whenever she kisses your lips, it's not gentle or cute β instead it's rather messy and, while not clumsy, it's like a tiny crash.
β sometimes, if you give her permission for whatever shenanigans she has in mind, she may kiss your cheek quickly before fleeing back to her own business.
bonus ;;
β while it's usually you who kisses her, your first kiss together was initiated by her instead.
β maybe you were too shy to do it. maybe the tension was just right, something needed to be done between you two, but you didn't know what.
β maybe it was her sitting on the table and you stranded between her thighs with her projects scattered all over the surface, her eyes clouded with frustration from them all while you tried to calm her down.
β or maybe she had you pressed against the wall by her tail. or maybe you were lying over the grass together and staring at the stars. maybe, whatever the scenario was, you were just clueless and didn't know what to do or say anymore.
β so she turned to you and grabbed your cheeks in her hand.
β βEnough with the formalities, y/n.β
β she pulled you by your cheeks squashed between her fingers to a kiss.
β βWhatever cues you're trying to play around me, drop them. I never liked following the rules.β
