The "perfect side of me"

ed sufferer | This may be triggering| | . I do not promote eating disorders or anything like that. this is my diary for others to see and connect with. Im currently in relapse form recovery so this is going to be very triggering for some. Relapsing again. I am NOT Pro ana, Pro mia ,and pro ed. I am pro recovery just going through a relaps. apparently i have to specify: this blog is not about my recovery, it is about my relapses. seeking recovery when you are ready is a wonderful and beautiful thing and i support all of you in that journery. one more time for the people in the back: not a recovery blog, a relapse blog. but recovery is always the goal. HW:186 LW:95 cw: 134 (52 down) Next Goal: 130 UGW:90 | 65.5"tall

[little-ol-me]

Guess who is relapsing again!?

[little-ol-me]

Currently trying not to go throw up the rest of what I ate... as my stomach makes horrible noises reminding me I could have thrown up more.

[little-ol-me]

I just wanna know why I can’t eat like a normal person. Like why does it have to be all or nothing. Like bitch if you want a cookie eat 1 cookie not he hoe dozen, one serving of pasta not the whole box. But nooo I rather eat nothing or all of it. Mid binge I’m like fuck should stop eating the it’s just nahhh already going to have to purge grab some cookie dough too.

[little-ol-me]

The only negative (besides hair loss lol) of losing all this weight is that my parents are going to come unglued next time they see me. I think I’ll see them in a month and a half but I’m just hoping they don’t try to drag my ass home and then to treatment.

[little-ol-me]

Sometimes when my mom asked what I ate for dinner I just want to say “come on you and I both know I’m not eating”. But also I like my freedom and don’t feel like messing it up.

[little-ol-me]

“She just keeps getting smaller”

-a coworker, about me

[little-ol-me]

Me after lunch: oh my gosh I ate too much I’m going to gain!

My body the next morning: nope you still didn’t eat enough... lose 1 pound.

[little-ol-me]

Me after lunch: wow I did so good, definitely won’t gain.

My body the next morning: lol dumb bitch ate too much. Gain 1 pound.

[iusedtobesobeautifulnowlookatme]

My dumb logic:

If I eat it all now I can’t eat it later

[andthinneryet]

Me over here fucking STRUGGLING to stay under my cal limit

[little-ol-me]

Woke up in the 120s!

[little-ol-me]

At my “I’ll get my shit together” weight

With no plans of getting my shit together 🙃

[little-ol-me]

Part of me really wants to recover and part of me feels like I’m not sick enough to recover. I keep reminding myself that anyone with any eating disorder or any disordered eating habits is “sick enough”.

I’m exhausted, I can’t eat many things without throwing up, my hair is falling out, and my brain is foggy. I know this means it’s past time to get help but I’m also 10 pounds from minimum healthy... and sadly that keeps sick me spiraling. But I also know that in 10 pounds I won’t want to quit because I’d be 10 pounds from some other bull shit weight I’ve come up with. I just want to feel normal but stay this weight, because gaining would be too much.

[little-ol-me]

I know I’ve said to before but this time I mean it. I’m going to stop purging. I’m sooo tired of it and just want it to be over. My throat hurts. I’m getting heart burn again. I just want a fucking break.

Day one starts tomorrow damnit

[little-ol-me]

Just kidding. I guess we start tomorrow?

[little-ol-me]

I know I’ve said to before but this time I mean it. I’m going to stop purging. I’m sooo tired of it and just want it to be over. My throat hurts. I’m getting heart burn again. I just want a fucking break.

Day one starts tomorrow damnit

[little-ol-me]

Me after lunch: oh my gosh I ate too much I’m going to gain!

My body the next morning: nope you still didn’t eat enough... lose 1 pound.

[getupfrom-bed]

skinny and toned

[z-e-r-o-friends]

reblog this if you started worrying about your weight before you were 16

[sighhhhh]

I was about. And I still let myself get fat!🙃

[little-ol-me]

Me: I’m going to the grocery store to just buy water and salad so I don’t have binge food in the house.

Also me: buys salad, tons of chips, some cookies, frozen pizza and wonders why I ended up binging when I got home.