[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
[text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
[text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
[text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
[text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA.
[text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
[text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
[text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it
[text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?”
[text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
[text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him.
[text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
[text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
[text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.
[text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife.
[text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops.
[text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
[text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
[text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
[text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling
[text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One.
[text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us
[text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…
[text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”
[text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
[text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
[text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
[text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings.
[text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug”
[text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
[text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
[text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
[text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
[text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
[text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
[text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
[text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
[text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart.
[text] When was the last time you wore pants?
[text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
[text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
[text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
[text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
[text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going?
[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
[text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition?
[text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
[text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist?
[text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
[text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
[text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin.
[text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb
[text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
[text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
[text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
[text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
[text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
[text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
[text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant
[text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
[text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
[text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
[text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
[text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
[text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
[text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire.
[text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
[text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
[text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
[text] you traded sex for a burrito?
[text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
[text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
[text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
[text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable.
[text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
[text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
[text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
[text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka.
[text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
[text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
[text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos”
[text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
[text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style.
[text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
[text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
[text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
[text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year
[text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
[text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
[text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
[text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
[text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
[text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
[text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
[text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
[text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
[text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok.
[text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
[text] Because when I say ‘You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, ‘I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’
[text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
[text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
[text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
[text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
[text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
[text] never. drinking. again.
[text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
[text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
[text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
[text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
[text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
