Runaway from Reality;

[livewhileyoustillcan]

110518

Man, I never thought I would write here again. Back reading all the sufferings and pain I had before makes me hurt a bit. It is almost over a year since I write here. Actually, There are many things happened to my life and I think those shits are slowly killing me.

Eli cheated on me. It is really real that after you experience happiness in your life, there would be a payback that will surely wreck you.

First, I entered college with the degree I wanted to take. Thanks to my parents who let me took architecture. I actually didn’t like the school I am attending right now because UST will be always my dream schhol. Next is, the people I met in college. They were right. Not all the people you will meet will be your true friend. To be honest, my college friends are the cause of my depression. They somehow slowly kill me by words.

I am the problem here. I thought that I am really over my depression but I was wrong. As I got into real world, it slapped me with the truth that I am not that pretty, smart, good, in short, I am not enough. 

Through the years, I became a self centered girl, arrogant, and toxic individual. I always think that I am different from them because I standout in my comfort zone but all thanks to college, it made me realize that I wasnt enough for everybody. 

I am not that creative, smart, and pretty. It took me years to accept the reality that I cannot be the person I’ve always wishing for. Someday, I wish, I will be the person I always dreamed of. A person with a sense and purpose, being an inspiration to everyone.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

090817

it’s just too sad when everything went wrong again. idk what to do with my life anymore. i’m just breathing not living. fuck the norms and standards. 

[livewhileyoustillcan]

072316

an open letter to mom and dad

bakit kayo ganyan? ganon ba ako kahirap intindihin? akala ko hindi na ko ulit makakaramdam ng ganito eh. sarili kong mga kadugo hindi ako maintindihan. ginagawa ko naman lahat ng gusto niyo. sarili kong pangarap sinira ko para sundin yung gusto niyo. alam niyo ba gaano kahirap mag-aral kapag hindi mo gusto yung kinukuha mo? hirap na hirap na ko to the point na gusto ko na lang mamatay. ano pang sense ng existence ko dito sa mundo kung lahat ng mga pinangarap ko, basura na lang ngayon? lahat ng way para intindihin kayo ginawa ko na, pero kayo ba naisip niyo na kahit minsan na intindihin ako? naisip niyo rin ba minsan na nahihirapan na ako mag adjust? minsan naman pakinggan niyo ako oh. minsan nga hindi ko na naiisip yung health tsaka sarili ko kakagawa ng schoolworks para makakuha ng mataas na grades para kahit papaano matuwa kayo sakin. hindi niyo naman kasi nakikita yung mga magagandang bagay na ginagawa ko. konting pagkakamali ko lang, sermon na agad, yung sermon na akala niyo nagbubulakbol ako. kahit kelan hindi ako nanigarilyo o uminom kahit madaming chance na pwede kong gawin yan pero kayo ang iniisip ko na baka madisappoint ko nanaman kayo. kahit ano namang gawin ko nadidisappoint kayo eh. bakit ganyan pa rin kayo? kapag naaalala ko nga kayo laging sumasagi sa isip ko aral muna bago landi eh. kapag umuwi ako ng late, hindi naman ibig sabihin naglalakwatcha lang ako. pero minsan, lakwatsa na nga lang yung nagtatanggal ng stress sakin tapos iisipan niyo pa na may ginagawa akong hindi maganda. kayo na nagsabi, matanda na ako, kaya alam ko naman na yung tama sa mali. sa susunod ma, pa, support niyo naman ako sa mga bagay na gusto ko. gusto ko lang naman na maging masaya ako eh. mahirap ba ibigay yun? sana kapag namatay na ako, mabasa niyo lahat to. alam ko masama mag-isip na wakasan yung buhay ko pero anong magagawa ko kung ayun na lang yung way para makapagpahinga ako sa lahat ng ‘to?

[livewhileyoustillcan]

061416

It’s been months. Eli and I are currently in good terms. My first day as a senior high student is a week from now. Wish me luck to do better. I feel so excited and nervous at the same time. Maybe to meet new people and the environment is still same. Mom & dad didn’t permit me to transfer to another school, while my friends are already enrolled at some awesome university. Yeah, reality slaps. I need to accept that I won’t be able to study at my dream school..and I can’t take the degree that I want.

maybe.. someday.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

112515

can i just.... disappear from here? i cant feel anything anymore, so much emotions just in a day. i dont have everything but can they just appreciate me for a moment? im so physically,mentally and emotionally dead tired. nobody understands me bc no one wants to listen. everyone who i trusted  the most left me behind, no one wants to stay with my side, no one believes in me, no one cares. but i know, there’s still a person who will never leave my side. Lord, thankyou for giving me those situations i almost cant handle but i still survived and became even more stronger. sometimes i just want to end my life but i always remember that it’s not the solution to my problem.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

102315

DEAD TIRED FROM EVERYTHING. FROM FAMILY,FRIENDS, STUDIES.. FROM FUCKING EVERYTHING. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK WITH, I JUST CANT DEAL WITH THESE SHITS ANYMORE. I TOLD TO MYSELF I SHOULD CONTINUE LIVING NO MATTER WHAT, THAT I SHOULD CONTINUE TAKING THIS PATH BUT THESE BULLSHITS ARE STRESSING ME OUT. IM SO FED UP WITH THESE PROBLEMS. GOD PLEASE GIVE ME SIGNS. IM SO TIRED, I JUST WANT TO REST. 

[livewhileyoustillcan]

091715

Months have been passed, feelings changed. It is already secondqtr but it feels like I need to pass through thousand years to accomplish this senior year. Yep, I’m already tired. Senior life is so stressful and challenging. I exerted so much effort in every different subject specially those major subjects and when I saw my grades, I was so happy because I passed my math subject and I got high grades with the other subjects. but I guess my best wasn’t good enough because I didn’t meet my parent’s expectations.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

032415

Today is the recognition day of grade7-9 honor students. My sister got 8th place for overall grade 7 students. And me? I didn’t make it. I’m on 22/437 overall but I wasn’t able to get an award. I’m so frustrated because I didn’t make it again. It is really painful to be compared specially I did my best and put all my efforts but it was still not enough.

someday, I’ll prove them all wrong. 

[livewhileyoustillcan]

031115

My first promenade. An unforgettable night indeed.  Probably because of the danceparty. Me & my friends dance on the dancefloor like there’s no tomorrow, but when the slow dance started, I expected that you will ask to dance with me. I expected that you will be my first dance. I searched for you but you were just seating afar from me. I know that you saw me because my batchmates and yours were gone in the dancefloor. I was about to cry when the slow dance is about to end. That time, I realized that you don’t care about me anymore, that who am I to you to have that dance? I just fucking assumed that you will dance with me without any assurance. It’s my fault to have assumptions again. Fuck this expectation because it ruined my night. I always expect something from you. I always think of impossible things. its your last promenade pero wala kang sinayaw ni isa. tanga ko talaga.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

091314

it's my birthday today but hell, i'm so sad. yung mga taong inaasahan ko sila pa yung nakalimot. ang sakit lang. wala na, sira na yung araw ko. minsan na nga lang dumaan yung birthday, hindi man lang magexert ng effort para bumati man lang. nakakalungkot.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

090514

feeling ko may mali talaga. yung heartbeat ko. nanghihina ako, biglang sumasakit yung ulo ko at nahihilo ako. ewan ko kung ano bang nangyayari sakin, i can't figure out what’s wrong.

tapos nakita ko nanaman sya kanina sa mass, yung pagkakitang-pagkakita ko sakanya.. nandun pa yung sakit.. bakit ganon? hindi ko pa din magawang makalimot. ginawa ko naman na lahat, pero eto,ang tanga ko pa rin. ayoko na umasa at maghintay. ayokong-ayoko na. pero bakit mahal ko pa rin sya? sana nga magka-amnesia na lang ako pero ang corny nun tss

[livewhileyoustillcan]

071714

yeah eto nanaman ako. naghihintay at umaasa sa wala. saan ba dapat ako magsimula? gusto ko na makamove-on. gusto ko na maalis yung sakit na mararamdaman ko. sana ganon na lang kadali pero tangina, ang hirap eh.

[livewhileyoustillcan]

bakit hindi ko magawang maging masaya katulad nila? nakakapagod yung ganitong buhay eh. ginagawa ko naman lahat para hindi maging complekado,pero wala rin.