Life is just crazy

So be crazy too

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

I try to lean towards the candle light again,

Yet it spits wax and engulfs my mind in a flame,

It's flames lick across my skin,

The pain comes back, let it begin,

Surrounding me in it's eternal flame,

Passing every ounce of blame,

Controlling my thoughts and shattering my peace,

Making me scream to feel some release,

There's no end in sight only pain,

Why did I return in vain,

Sometimes the shadows are easier on your soul,

Sometimes being alone keeps you whole.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

LIFE IS JUST FUCKED

I honestly just feel so overwhelmed that I can't feel anything. This covid bullshit has just made me fall into myself. I don't love myself, I feel pretty empty, everything hurts. I can't find joy in anything and I don't feel calm unless I get lost in fictional books about zombie apocalypses or a crime thriller series with twisted murderers.

I'm in limbo, no moving forwards no moving backwards.

My pain threshold is being battered from god knows what's wrong... Fibro? That sounds like some bs diagnosis a doctor made up when they couldn't find a box to put you in. I had 2 blood tests... No hospital. No mri. Two blood tests and fibromyalgia is the answer apparently.

Then the mental health side... BPD now renamed EUBPD just to make it sound all that more erratic and unstable. Pft. Still awaiting an assessment for ADHD... I'm certain I do have that... Haha! But yeah fuck it let's add a long list of diagnosis onto my 30's.

I'm moaning, I just feel beaten by life. This year is shit for everyone. The only good thing is my relationship made it through lockdown and my partner and I still like eachother.

I also have a new career in care which fills me with that lovely happy hormone for doing something rewarding and good. Helping others is key to my mental state not slipping. I just feel empty when I'm not at work.

I just wish I had an answer to this numbness that's taken its cold dead grip on me. I just can't seem to feel much.

Meh. Who can relate?

[whitepeopletwitter]

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Yes. It's the most amazing feeling.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Triggered

This is just the most soul destroying, happiness leaching, pile of crap I've ever had to contend with.

A song, a smell, a person, a photo, a sound and BAM past traumatic experience memories come into focus... You try and step away from the thought but it's like a domino effect... Every piece falling slowly then speeding up replaying every memory of a moment you felt that fear, sadness, heartbreak, anxiety, anger... And you're frozen reliving those moments. Feeling every single emotion in one huge tsunami.

Your chest tightens as anxiety takes grip from the realisation you're stuck in another ruminating thought. You feel angry at yourself, angry at the past, frustrated that it won't just stay there... In the fucking past!

Trying to find a distraction but having no way of concentrating on anything to break the cycle, so the anger builds more.

Being so physically exhausted but mentally you can't switch off going over things like it's a scary movie stuck on repeat and you're being forced to watch it over and over.

All those unanswered questions. All the why me? Did I deserve this? Did I make all these bad things happen? When will it happen again? Do I need to change? Is it all me?

My head starts pounding, my stomach starts cramping, my heart beats so hard it hurts.

I want to scream and cry and smash things up. I want a switch to just stop my thoughts.

There's no relenting. It's never ending.

One moment I can talk about past trauma and laugh... The next I can talk about it and then it's stuck in my head for days.

It's like the torture of the experiences is not enough. My head is against me too.

I know this is all doom and gloom but there's parts of me I wish didn't exist. This is the deadliest part.

When I'm triggered and can't find anything to stop the stress and there's no fix to avoid the triggers that won't kill me further... I'm just stuck waiting for it to end hoping that next time it won't last longer because honestly... I don't know how much more I can take. I can't be strong forever. This is my cryptonite.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

The Anxiety Demon

That dreadful demon inside your head,

It speaks and fills your heart with dread,

Manipulating your thoughts on repeat,

Being ok on the outside is the biggest feat,

It comes when everything is going great,

It makes you on edge and always late,

It makes noise hurt you because it's so loud,

It tells you you have no reason to be proud,

You want to scream from all the pain,

Let all those tears pour down like rain,

But the demon has its claws dug in deep,

It brings on the fear that keeps you from sleep,

It brings traumatic memories of pain past,

It tells you happiness won't ever last,

It keeps you alive but kills you inside,

Inside your mind you have nowhere to hide,

It is toxic, fear consuming your soul,

Devouring anything that makes you feel whole,

It screams and shouts "You don't deserve peace!"

Its here to stay it won't give you release,

Some days it sleeps from its binge eating session,

You feel alive no more depression,

But you know its only a temporary fix,

Soon it will be back playing its tricks.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Grief

It comes from so many different situations, be it from someone passing, friendships lost, relationships ending.

I think the easiest form of grief for me is death. You know there's nothing you could have done differently. You know they're gone forever. There's the shock of them being gone, the grief and pain that follows, then the emptiness and fond and bad memories but you know that they're at peace now.

Friendships lost... Well you miss the person who you thought was your friend. You start to obsess over where it went wrong, you find fault in yourself but also realise all the shitty things they did too. It is more of a lesson to learn grieving for a friendship lost. Learning the signs. Learning how to be a better friend.

Then there's the ones you were in love with. They're gone and if it was a toxic love it kills you everytime you think of all the crap you endured or gave to them. How dark things went. It kills you to know they're out there still living whilst you're still grieving for the good times you lost even though the bad outweighed it. Everytime you see them it will hurt all over again. Because you know it was so bad and you know you hate yourself for letting it go on so long and for still missing the good times. Or because you hate yourself for still loving them when they gave you every reason to hate them. Or you hate them so much you wish you'd never been anywhere near them and you grieve for your time lost to the wrong person.

Family... That grief is the most confusing. You never expect to lose relationships with family. But some people are just not meant to be in your life. No matter how much you ache and yearn for a proper family.

The bottom line of grief is. We all feel it at some point. We all experience the empty pain.

There is no time limit for grieving. You need to grieve as long as you must. Let all the pain out. Don't hold it back. Then heal. Heal and become a stronger person for it.

We're all stronger than we realise because we're still here. Still living. Still going through the fucked up rollercoaster of life.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

PTSD

This is the toughest thing you'll endure. You think you've healed. Then BAM you're back in that memory, back feeling the anxiety, anger, fear or the heart shattering sadness just ripping through your body like you're back there. Groundhog day of the worst and most traumatic moments of your life.

The worst thing you can be told is "its in the past, you can't change it, you've just got to move on". It feels like you're screaming internally begging your brain to just wipe your memories so you don't have to fight that battle again.

One memory, smell, sound, song, word, movement can trigger you. One moment you're ok with it... The next time it affects you so much you can't breath.

It's the scariest feeling having no idea when your brain will regurgitate some past trauma.

The worst part is we all have different types of trauma and different emotions that become triggers whilst stuck in the loop of the memory.

The best thing when it happens is making sure you realise its happening. It's taken me a long time to notice when my mind is playing out without my control. You can regain control. Be it counting something, reading a book, putting your happy song on (mine is Generator by The Holloways give it a listen 😊) going for fresh air, laying down and regulating your breathing, or using grounding techniques-something you can smell, something you can hear, something you can touch, something you can see.

It really does help. It's the hardest thing to get through especially when it's sadness that takes control. But remember you can take that control back! 😊

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Pain

Life, no matter how you live it will always involve pain. Be it physically or mentally.

You will be subjected to it, whether you're a good person or a bad person. Whether you think positively or negatively.

You will also hurt people. It's OK to make mistakes. Just apologise when you've grown from that part of life and make sure to learn from those mistakes.

Everyone you love and care about has the capacity to inflict the most damaging pain.

Trust will be broken, as well as your heart. No matter what. Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes.

Some will set out to hurt you for their own gratification, be it from jealousy or because you hurt them. Some will do it unintentionally and in ignorance because not everyone has an empathetic mind. Not everyone can think outside of their box, their own selfish wants and needs.

Humans aren't perfect. We can't go through life without lying, without being selfish, without sinking into our own bubbles of what is hurting us instead of seeing how our behaviours are hurting those around us.

You'll meet positive people who have faults of their own, you'll meet negative people you wish to save but can't.

The bottom line is, you and only you are in control of your pain. You are the one who has to forgive yourself and others. You are the one who has to say this is enough grief. You are the one who has to look back on all the pain and say but the good times were worth it.

Life is short, yes it's a cliché, just like the you only get one life quote.. But its factual. We are all terrified of the unknown.

No one is truly happy with everything in their life. We are all struggling with some demon on our shoulder. We have all had our trust broken. We all experience pain and on so many different levels.

Some people can take pain with a smile on their face and keep going. Others will fall hard and take much longer to get back up.

Do not ever base your pain and coping on someone else's experience. Don't compare and most importantly do not ever call yourself weak!

The fact you are still here, reading my thoughts nodding in agreement at the fact the world is one big shitshow says it all.

I had a friend ask me if animals get depressed. I reflected on the fact that cats and dogs are very empathetic and pick up on our emotions, animals pine for their owners when they pass, pine for their lost babies etc. But most of all I expressed the fact that animals get depression from living in the wrong environment. We have based our lives on so many materialistic things and competitions on bullshit to try and feign happiness that we aren't living our best lives on basic instincts. Living as proper communities, proper support. The world is going down a dark path... But there are small snippets of light.

I hate being all doom and gloom but I'm feeling the weight today, I'm feeling the pressure of living, I can't be strong every day and I will forgive myself when I can finally function on a "normal" level again.

Just remember, pain is experience, experience is knowledge, knowledge is power. You have the power to keep going, you also have the knowledge to relate to others and help them with advice.

You have got this.

Pain is temporary.

Like everything else.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Toxic Family

This is the toughest wake up call you can ever have. Realising the ones who are meant to love and protect you at all costs are actually the trigger to your mental health. The root cause of all your pain.

It takes becoming an adult to see for yourself that the environment you grew up in wasn't "normal".

It can make emotional regulation hard to control because you end up questioning every emotion wondering if you're right to feel it, if it's the right amount of pain to experience. Constantly questioning your own emotions because they were never validated by the people who were meant to nurture you and help you grow.

Some toxic family members won't ever change, will say your sense of reality is warped. Will paint a very differing picture where they did everything possible to keep you happy. They will constantly live in denial making you out to be the problem...not them. Now you're an adult you're no longer useful for feeding their ego and earning them brownie points for making a show of being a perfect parent when in public. These family members won't ever change, won't ever apologise and won't ever see the light. They will always be the reminder of all the bad times and are easier to let go of than stick around hoping for change or some kind of apology for you to be able to forgive and move on. All you can do is forgive yourself for not seeing sooner and let go.

Some family members end up being so trapped in their own pain and suffering they don't realise that they ended up directing it all on you. Be it physically, mentally or by watching them abuse themselves with drugs, alcohol etc.

There is hope that one day they will feel strong enough to be sober and face their demons. You could one day find that peace of an apology. But whilst they're on their self destruct mission all you can do is tell them you'll love them no matter what but you cannot be around them whilst they behave this way.

I understand not everyone is strong enough to let go even if they know their family is toxic. The fear of being alone is too strong. Just remember if you decide you cant. Don't expect change.

One lesson I've learnt in life...you can't save everyone. The main person who will save you is you and only you. You need to become the person you wish your family were for you. You need to stand up and say I am not my family. I am not the trauma, I will break this cycle.

When you become a parent yourself your whole world takes on a completely different perspective. You realise all the bad, you make better choices, you think things through thoroughly.

When you raise a vulnerable child that needs to be loved and nurtured you realise all you didn't have and grieve. But you also grow and make sure the cycle doesn't continue.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Forgiveness

The key to overcoming past trauma is forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made/people you let hurt you for so long. Forgiving those who hurt and betrayed your trust. That is the key to overcoming trauma.

I know not everything is black and white in these situations. I know some pain will always be there. That's where mindfulness comes in.

No I am not a tree hugging vegan (I don't mind if you are, I do love a good tree) ... Yes mindfulness sounds like some crazy hippie stoner shit (be a stoner or a hippie or hipster if it makes you feel good, it's just not my scene) . The reality is it actually works!

Trauma and the triggers of it and the ruminating (going over the scenario until you go insane with all the whys/what ifs and memories collapsing like dominoes triggering different memories of other toxic and painful situations) are you stuck in your emotional mind. You will hurt yourself and others around you unintentionally if you let yourself stay in this mind frame.

Switching off all emotion and going on autopilot and not letting yourself feel... That's your rational mind. Being blunt, critical and literal in how you speak. Not grieving for the pain. Not feeling remorse.

There's this lovely middle ground which I'm learning little by little is your saviour when it comes to forgiveness. It's playing both parts together in harmony. You accept those feelings are there, you validate yourself. You're allowed to feel pain, you're allowed to be hurt by those experiences but your wise mind is there saying destroying yourself instead of healing from it won't help and that you are still here fighting through this shitshow of life like the strong warrior you are.

The hardest thing I found to forgive were not those who hurt me. It was myself for staying in those situations for too long, stooping to others levels of inflicting pain upon those who crossed me. I'm not talking physically but it works for that too. The mind games, the lies, the abuse I inflicted upon my own body. I looked in the mirror and realised how much I hated myself. Hated myself for letting people do me wrong but for also playing the same game when things got overwhelming and pain took control.

I also realised my binge drinking, random abuse of drugs, my sexual escapades.... Were my version of self harm. My attempted suicides were me saying I've had enough and no one deserves the pain I inflict.

I forgave myself, I opened my eyes and I changed my ways. It's never too late. You're never too far gone. I also had to forgive myself for living in a mind frame of being the victim. I was a victim... But somewhere along the way I turned into what I hated to those who caused me pain. Two wrongs do not make a right.

You can't find love or forgiveness in drugs, alcohol or one night stands. The first person you need forgiveness from is yourself. Then you'll be able to forgive the past and others who have hurt you and helped you onto the bad path.

Life is for living, it's cliché but you literally only have one life. We are all learning. We are all thinking wtf how did I get to this age and still not feel like an adult. We are all fighting our own battles, our own trauma, our own mental health. But the fact we are here shows we are strong and resilient. It also shows we can adapt and grow no matter our age or background.

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Anxiety

When you're stuck in an anxious mind frame and nothing will calm you down.

Most people think of anxiety and panic attacks as hyperventilating. It really isn't so simple.

For me it's feeling itchy all over with no reason to scratch. It's trying to carry out simple tasks but my brain being unable to keep to an orderly fashion to carry them out.

It's feeling agitated at every little thing, feeling constantly on edge. Like you want to scream and cry but instead anger erupts.

Feeling exhausted but unable to sleep because your mind is racing. But also being unable to think straight at the same time.

Noises penetrating your eardrums so deeply it causes more mental anguish. Unable to focus on anything and trying to work out why?

Why me? Why today? What triggered this shift in moods? Is there a full moon? Am I blocking out something that hurts? Am I due on soon? Did I not sleep enough? Have I had too much caffiene? What have I eaten?

Wanting to do something but having no motivation to do it because the anxiety is eating away your motivation... Sucking up all of your energy. Til you break....

[livingsurvivinglovinglearning]

Lies

With almost being 30 I've come to a point in life where I'm actually past caring about lying to cover my own back. If I shouldn't be doing something but am anyway then I obviously don't give a damn so why lie? Lies can ruin people. The amount of crazy stuff I've heard about myself over the years is laughable. I mean if only they knew some of the real things about me aha! When people are jealous of you or find something about you intimidating they will set out to destroy you in any way shape or form. The sad thing for me is I'm not the most stable person so if someone comes for me I will bait them back until I crash and burn or they do. If I win an argument I end up hating myself for upsetting someone else when the truth hurts. The craziest part is no matter how much it ends up hurting me I will get back up and continue.

I came to realise when I had therapy that I'd actually prefer to be physically attacked than mentally. I'd rather be punched in the face than called a bad parent. Mess with my children then a full blown eruption of anger will fire. I have had anger management multiple times through school. I had a lot of pent up aggression from an abusive parent. I'm thankful I did because the amount of people who boil my blood with their incessant lies could turn me into the Hulk I swear.

Lies get you nowhere. You may turn people against a person. But the truth always comes out one way or another. Life has a way of balancing what you've unbalanced and karma is a bigger bitch than anyone I know.

Life is too short to hold grudges too. Let go love hard and fast. Have no regrets and fuck what anyone says as long as you're truthful to yourself and everyone around you let karma do the work for others