Living the life unexpected

Ramblings about our TTC and now IVF journey and life in general

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Dreams...

This week I had a massively vivid day dream/vision and it was so real all be it very short... that i can’t stop thinking about it....

I was driving along when this “vision” happened.. and I actually made me cry it hit me that hard.

I was sat on a soft bench.. and to my left was a small child.. about 2/3years old.. with dark brown hair.. and big kind hazel eyes. She looked up at me. Placed her hand on my leg and simply said. “It’s going to be ok”

I knew without asking that this little girl was our daughter. And I came back into the real world crying my eyes out..

Infertility doesn’t half mess with my sub continuous sometimes... just wish I knew what that little girl was referring to.. maybe it’s coming to terms with our lives as we remain potentially childless for ever... maybe it’s the universe/Gods way of tell me to just hang in there a little longer he is sending us a beautiful little brunette Miracle? Who knows? Either way it’s got me thinking about the they (less pleasant) infertility dreams I’ve had throughout this chapter of our lives).

The worst one being a realistic dream of breastfeeding my beautiful baby. Thinking it’s finally happened our child is here. I closed my eyes and took it all in and with a deep breath and opened my eyes again.. and when I looked down at my baby again it was fake. A doll nothing more... I woke up crying and sweating I was devastated. 😔

So this older child telling me it’s all going to be ok was much better but somehow more confusing.

[livingthelifeunexpected]

You know they say you know...

You know how they say your mind always knows even if you body doesn’t... well I was a weepy mess last week and I wasn’t really sure why... until today... it dawned on me... if IVF had worked first time... (which it obviously didn’t)y due date would have been last week... 😔 no wonder my brain was crying... it was grieving what could have been... it does that a lot... but this time it had dates to work to...

Right now I’m working on accepting we may remain childless... maybe forever... it’s the forever bit that I struggle with the most... the right now I can justify because “we have that holiday planned” “I’m having a great time riding that pony” and even “the clocks change and we have a lie in” (if all the memes on Facebook are to be believed).

I feel no shame.. no guilt that I’m grieving for my cluster of cells all over again... to me they are the closest we came to realising this life long dream of ours.... I also have a sense of pride that I’m starting to find ways to encourage my heart in another direction... the battle to be content will, I know, be lifelong but I hope I I’ve taken the first tiny step towards that happier place...

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Infertile at a wedding.

Today I've been at a family wedding. It's been a lovely day but man have I struggled at Times. From the church service and the " marriage is a space to bring up children in God" bit in the ceremony. To the "haven't seen you for ages, isn't it funny how we have grown up.. got married, brought houses, started career and had kids" kind of comments... To the young couple who always didn't want kids... explaining having announced their pregnancy last week, that it's the result of a change of heart, a few weeks, one holiday and a pregnancy *just like that* The lifestyle conversation of someone who has chosen to be childless but is questioning her choice due to things that scare you to death as an infertile (growing old alone, not having A family to share your life with etc etc...) And the realisation that you have had your top tier of your own wedding cake in the freezer for over 7years already... waiting for that first child's christening.... the one that never came... and probably never will.... Yes.. a wedding as an infertile is all sorts of heartache.

[livingthelifeunexpected]

😔

Today we are 10dp5dt after our 2nd cycle but firsts ever transfer... over the weekend I started spotting brown and over the last 24hrs AF has arrived in full force... this morning we got our very much expected BFN. We have no Frosties.... I feel completely numb. This process is soul destroying. 😔

[livingthelifeunexpected]

2 days to test day... spotting all the time! Full crazy brain engaged!! Arrrrgggggrrrrggggg!!!!!

[livingthelifeunexpected]

On egg collection day my husband found a four leaf clover in the field that our awesome horse used to live. (See my second blog post for more on F aka Flash) For me it was a sign from him that he had our backs... that we would be ok... and that nearly one gruelling year to the day that we had to send our faithful friend back to heaven, we would finally have our prayers answered... On day 17 on cycle number 2.... 23rd May 2017... I pulled on my positive pants and Wonder Woman tshirt and 'The flash 'socks and we set for for egg collection...

As I type this you join us again after a crazy rollercoaster of the egg collection (22 eggs). A nerve wracking fertilisation report (9mature…4fertilised) and making it to day 5 with one grade 4AA embryo… and at last *we are officially PUPO!* (mini partaayyy!!🎉🎉🎉)

so this is Our first ever real TWW where we actually have a chance.. this meaning after a disastrous cycle #1 we finally made it to transfer in our second IVF cycle… this time just one embie made it safely to transfer or freeze (one more than last time!) and we are impatiently waiting to see if it’s settling in to stay with us…

Today I am 8day post a 5day transfer and have been brown spotting for the last two days and I am mentally yoyoing between believing it’s all going to plan and feeling that it's all over and I won’t even get to pee on a stick before having to admit defeat!! Arrrgg this whole process is mind blowing!

Distraction techniques required for the last few days until test day!! Just three more sleeps…. hang on in there embean! We really really want to meet you!! X

[thewanderingovary]

Ask Polly: Why Do Women Obsess About Babies and Fertility?

Women struggling to conceive go through hell.

If you are #ttc you should read this… 

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Arrrrgggg going pretty much crazy in my grumpy, uncomfortable little bubble!

Stim day 11 today, we will carry on with stims until tomorrow and egg collection will happen on day 14.

For the rest of this cycle I’ve tried and mainly succeeded in staying quite chilled, being relaxed and rolling with the punches…. but now it actually feels like someone has punched my ovaries (especially the right one) im a little less tolerant!

I can’t wait for egg collection to be done to move on from this stage of the IVF process while at the same time being absolutely terrified that this will all be over in another weeks time if it happens like it did in round one!! (Sorry brain your can’t win!) 🙄

So far we have about 20 Follicules… most around 11mm with a handful growing more to 13/14 and two at 17.5mm and 17mm

The plan is to get more mature eggs this time hence the longer stimulation injections. Also I will have a double dose of the trigger shot to try and give them one last boost!

If you could all keep growing please follicules.. I will do my best to be positive I promise!!

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Ding ding round 2!!

Here we go! This is it round two.... in about one hours time we will start our second IVF cycle. Two days ago I had an operation to check for and remove a polyp which was found during round one... couldn't see it.... so here's hoping it's packed up and moved out... and isn't just hiding! I expected to have to wait another month to get started on round two... but on phoning the clinic they told us to go for it tomorrow (I.e today!?!) So positive pants and funny socks at the ready... let's do this... time to kick some IVF butt!

[livingthelifeunexpected]

You know you had a crap IVF result when even the consultant is scratching his head and saying " That didn't go to plan" and "it's just shit..." " we don't really know why that happened" etc etc... meh *life* So after going from 15 eggs to only 4 mature even the experts have been left confused! It's some comfort that they don't know what happened and that they didn't find any major issue and it was just bad luck but also pretty rubbish that they can't explain it and make a solid plan to avoid the same happening again next time.... Either way the best thing we can do is repeat the process extending my stimulation injections to hopefully up the number of mature eggs.. all while keeping our fingers very firmly crossed... In the mean time... we wait for the polyp removal operation... pre consultation for that is booked so let's hope that happens reasonably quickly so we can keep moving forwards...

[livingthelifeunexpected]

The end of Cycle #1

So it's a bust, I didn't even make it to being PUPO. ( Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) I had convinced myself I would at least make it to there!!! 😔 Our two embryos didn't make it to freezing, they stopped developing on day 3 and needed to make it day 6 to be frozen. So that's it IVF cycle #1 is over... and all I have to show for it is mild OHSS... ( which is particularly cruel I have to say) So for now if anyone needs me I will be in my blanket fort...

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Yay for OHSS... meh!

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Day 3 post egg retrieval... 😔

So it's day 3... and I'm lay on the sofa in physical and emotional pain... On Friday we had 15 eggs retrieved... a great number.. as goldilocks would say "just right".... On Saturday... we had the call that started us on this downward slide... of our 15 eggs... only 4 were mature (gut punch number one) and only two fertilised (double gut punch!) how did we go from 15 to two overnight... that's not what we expected at all... Cue three days of trying not to get inside our own heads to much, of cramps and pain post opp... and discussing what we will do if our embryos don't make it. On top of all this.. they confirmed the presence of a polyp... which will either way delay our transfer for three+ months... I need a hystoroscopy to remove the polyp before they will let us do a transfer... so our little embryos need to make it to freezing... To do that they need to be developing well and make it to blastocyst... Right now on day three.. they are 5 cells and 7cells only... and in the embryologists words "poor quality" I.e not likely to make it... 😔 I'm so lost as to how I'm meant to be feeling... should I be willing our poor quality embryos to survive... or should I just call it quits now and accept that Its more than likely going to be over in another 3 days time... and we will be one of many couples for which our first IVF cycle is a bust... Why is this journey so hard, there are soooo many variables Maybe i shouldn't have been so optimistic about our chances... For now all we can do it wait... and wait... and wait...

[livingthelifeunexpected]

Hello from the IVF trenches...

Hello from deep in the IVF trenches… today is day 10 of my stimulation injections…

TBH day one of the injections was nerve wracking, I made the decision with my husband that I would be in charge of the needles, and I’m glad I was as I didn’t stress if my husband wasn’t around at the right time and I found the sense of control helped a little.

The injections haven’t proved too bad I’m honest, in got bruises and my stomach is a bit sore and itchy now but the light is at the end of the tunnel.

So far I have had 2 tracking scans. I had one on day 6 (I was scanned early as I’m high risk for OHSS) and it was all positive and my follicles were just as they would want them to be.

Scan 2 was in day 9… and again all looked good follicle wise… 8/9 approaching the size they would want and more potentially really to join them.

Unfortunately at second Scan they also found I had a potential polyp in my womb (AGAIN grrrrrr!) so that may delay our embryo transfer. If I’m honest I was quite upset when I first heard that, it’s a delay I hadn’t mentally prepared for and it sent my house of cards I was carefully building tumbling down. But in reality if we have to wait for the embryo transfer it will give me a break from all the stress and will be with good reason and offer us the best chance of success.

Currently we have no way of confirming if it is a polyp or not until egg collection day… which all being well is only another 3 days away.

I have one final scan tomorrow so will be keeping my fingers crossed for a continued follicle report of “just what we want not too many and not too few”.

Fingers crossed nervously for egg collection on Friday. It’s a big milestone kind of day… and I’m a little bit worried but glad I will be asleep throughout…

[livingthelifeunexpected]

[livingthelifeunexpected]

IVF... it's about to get real!

Ok so this is it… the month we start IVF… I think I’ve been in a little bubble, hiding, for a few months waiting for its arrival but it’s just occurred to me that It’s happening… like in the next two weeks!! 😳

IVF was always that big looming thing at the end of the line… the “last option before adoption”…

It’s always been my coping mechanism to look past the stage/treatment option we’ve been at and think “it’s ok if this doesn’t work we will try….(insert relaxing/Clomid/IUI etc etc as appropriate).

IVF was the end of the line… the big leagues… but not guaranteed or relied on… it’s like infertility is a massive computer game and IVF was the "big boss” at the very end that can take forever to defeat... and it's so tough that some people never defeat it..

Now I know if you are 100% set on Having a baby by any means, that IVF although a massive milestone is not the end of the road. There are other options available like egg donation/embryo adoption/adoption of a child/baby.

But for me I’ve had enough… and we haven’t even started IVF.

My lovely husband is currently of the mind we won’t adopt… and at this exact moment I don’t think I would want to jump straight to that if IVF didn’t work. (No matter how gushing the character reference from my mum would be). I just don’t think I could step into that world of more waiting and finding myself with someone else still holding all the cards. But never say never..

No I’m going to give IVF the best crack I can… I’m going to try and be that impossible balance between realistic and hopeful… and if it fails… which there is a 70%ish chance it will… I’m going to take my life back… this time next year I’m going to be happier.. I’m going to stop being in limbo and stop letting Infertility ruin all our fun…

But first… it’s time to pull on my 'brave pants'… and try and defeat the big boss to complete the computer game… wish us luck!

[livingthelifeunexpected]

In 2017… one way or another I’m getting out of this f*ing tunnel! Baby or no baby I’m not staying trapped in here any longer infertility has already stolen too much of my life!