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I was just watching hacks it’s very funny kinda been binge watching it. I thought it was supposed to be funny and not give me an existential crisis. It’s not even that, maybe it’s just everything going on lately. Just looking through old photos and trying to organize and moving things out of my childhood home and my parents, things are getting so real. We came back from vacation and were happy that they got there paperwork sorted so now they can have a bit of money when they go back home and we are figuring out what’s going to happen when they move in and maybe spend half the year here and half in Mexico it’s just kinda a lot to think about and just feeling like I need a change too, I’m just doing the same thing still depressed as ever not where I want to be and I feel like I’m running out of time, I’m still young but I’m not doing anything with my life I feel like I need to change, feel better maybe take care of myself and my health but also i have so much damn fear of missing out from what I couldn’t tell you I just feel like I should be doing more. Like going on tour or seeing the world or just anything remotely creative. Even just having sex, I should be out there. I don’t know I just want to feel alive but in a safe way not like having some manic episode where I go off the rails. Does anyone else feel like that? I have such a fear of death sometimes I think I really make myself actually unwell over it. Maybe just like the thought of the unknown, or no being here, and then I think about it if were to just be all over would I be okay about it, I feel like I haven’t done enough. I literally get this pain in my chest about it that scares me. I can snap out of it and calm down but sometimes I think I might have an anxiety attack and I really don’t miss those. I was just trying to distract myself with a little tv and now I’m here just lost in thoughts. I just want to be outside of my body but in a good way.

I feel like the guys I was talking to and kinda entertaining have all fallen off. I had one guy who was like really into me for a while sending me good morning and good night text and checking in all the time and now idk he’s not that into it anymore, maybe because we talked about our past a bit and some sexting but he’s never seen anything from me just texting about it. And all my other fwb have kinda just been not as active, not that I even miss them or anything like that mostly just the attention. I guess I do miss Stephen, I think maybe whatever we started up again could be good, like yeah he kinda wants the exclusivity without commitment but he fucks me so good I don’t even care, and we are kinda in the same place not really able to give our full time to a serious relationship dealing with family. He does make me feel comfortable and safe and I think he’s a good friend. I know he isn’t seeing anyone else and he’s going to be gone for a bit but I think I can keep it in my pants until then. It’s hard to wait though. I mean I’m still single and if anyone wants to ask me out I’m open but I’m also counting down the days until he come back so I can jump him.

I’m working on it, but damn I got myself into a lot of debt and now I’m trying to settle it and pay it off but it just sucks, I don’t want to do this, I’ve always been independent and worked for myself but damn the older I get the more I’m just tired, I just want someone to take care of me. I’ve never thought about marriage seriously but I just want to be a stay at home wife and taken care of. I’m tired of taking care of everyone else. Honestly I’ll take an old rich guy with money if it means having a soft life. I just want to be spoiled and not have a damn worry. Ughh I thought I’d have something worth something by this point in my life.

random-brushstrokes

Czesław Tański - Sixth commandment, 1908

I’m just up, I’m just thinking, so much has happened. We came back home from our trip, took a bit to get acclimated, it’s nice to get back into the groove of things, life goes on there is always something, bills to pay, debts to think about, unexpected expenses and problems. I need to get my shit together. Although I’ve been better with my finances the debt is still there and it’s be hard to catch up. I’m just kinda also feeling very woe is me, I’m on my period and grumpy. I’m broke as shit and I have to figure out these payments I just want someone to take care of me I’m tired of doing it myself. I just want to be outside my body too, I just want someone to make me feel good. I was thinking about Stephen, I went out with him Sunday, I had seen his text when I was out at a meetup/show and he asked if we could get a room and at that moment I did really want to, it had been 2 months for me and I was in a mood, he’s always been good to me, he makes me feel safe and takes care of me, why not, I know it’s going to be a fun time. So we agree to meet I do a little shopping after the event and I get a change of clothes, in that moment I realize I got my period, I tell him cause I’m not sure if he will change his mind, he doesn’t and I shower and we catch up and then we do what we came to do. I’m a little in my head. He talks to through, he is gentle but also completely exhausted me, I feel so safe with him, I let go, I’m outside of my mind it’s just release. I want to make the most of it but I’m also thinking of other things. Is this the best idea, I’m torn between my desires and wanting something real and loving. It’s okay for the moment but I also want nothing more than to be loved. I don’t feel that sort of limerence with him, maybe in the beginning but he shut me down so then I had to get it out of my head and agree we would just be friends with benefits. I don’t mind it now we both get something out of it, I just do eventually want someone to actually love me. He’s so good at it, it’s always worth it for me, I feel it the next day, he’s a good man but I know he has a lot on his plate and we’re in the same boat on maybe not being able to give our full attention to a relationship. I’m not trying to push it. He’s been a great friend to me, I appreciate him. Still I don’t feel like it’s enough. I need more attention, I need more intimacy, I need someone to want me more than I want them. It’s been 2 months for me and I was the last person he was with 4 months ago, I just want it all the time I think that’s my problem. I just need someone close.

I’m 32 today, I’m in Mexico with my family and it’s raining, the smell of wet earth and the birds in the night are keeping me awake. I hear church bells and the occasional fireworks in the distance. I’m grateful for another year of life, getting to spend it with my family and being able to enjoy my second home. I’d say the older I get the less things seem that serious in a way, it’s been a rough couple of months relationship wise, I still feel kinda lost but it’s just rolling off my back, maybe there are some things I shouldn’t have done and people I shouldn’t have given my time to but you live and you learn. I’m not saying I’m going to take a 2 year break from sex and dating like I did maybe more like 2 months seems fine but I’m trying to just keep an open mind and heart. I really am happy to be here, I didn’t think I’d make it this far, I’m happy with all the people in my life and wish for all of our health and safety. I’m just trying to live a little, time goes by fast. I want to make the most of it.

I’m not going to crash out yet but I think maybe taking a break from the internet for a while will be good. I’ve been getting lots of randoms adding me on snap and it’s like everyday more and more so I’m like something is up maybe someone posted something and this guy was like someone leaked your nudes but didn’t say who so I’m just waiting for him to get back to me and see who it could be. I feel like I’m in good standing with anyone I’ve ever had sex with in person or who I’ve hooked up with in the past, maybe that guy Alex from the fetish site cause he was weird about me not showing him my nails when I got them but also we literally started talking on a feeder site and I told him I’m into findom and he sent me money willingly I never want to beg someone for money and he was starting to get too clingy and got mad the 3rd time I was like are you going to spoil me with a gift, we did video call and he asked for nudes and I thought why not he sent me a bunch of videos but this is why I don’t like to send stuff. It wasn’t super ugly the way he talked to me but I didn’t want to feel like I was begging for anything so I just left it like that. Other than that idk I never really send photos to anyone. I don’t know anything yet or haven’t seen anything but I’m hoping it isn’t bad.

I miss Chris, I’ve been thinking about him lately, I wish he wouldn’t vanished like that. I’m thinking he got a girlfriend and deleted his Snapchat but I also don’t know, we were only friends through Snapchat I can’t even remember how we started talking I think he just added me randomly one day I don’t even know but I miss him, he was there for me as a friend but also in an intimate way. What’s wild is we never even met, like I feel like I made him up, he was so handsome and we had some sort of relationship, I should have gone with him when he invited me to California I don’t know why I just didn’t go, I was scared and I wasn’t as open I think. I wonder if in this different stage of my life if he popped up again and asked me if I would take that leap. I think I would. How do I find him, all I know is he lived in Scottsdale worked in the medical field and makes beats and I think his sister lived in Sedona and he has husky. Maybe I should make a video, that sounds crazy, he if we used to talk on Snapchat and you are in az and are single let’s reconnect that sounds nuts. I should know more about him it feels kinda fucked up, we used to sext all the time and we never actually knew each other.

It’s been a good day, yesterday had me a little annoyed and anxious but I’m not too concerned, the dr just reassured me that everything just all happened at once and I’m doing all I can and it’s not that serious so I guess I feel better, I’m almost done with my antibiotics but I’m not looking forward to next weeks appointment. Today I also went with my sister and nephew to the specialist and it’s more of the same they are upping his medication and no real reason for the why it’s hard to think about I pray he grows out of this. We got food and did some driving around. It’s been a good day. It’s been a minute but Oscar messaged me, I didn’t know it was his birthday so I asked and I think he would have asked me to come over had I replied sooner. He’s fine as a fwb but nothing more, I can’t see myself with a guy with kids and baggage and he kinda did give me the ick, it’s always a good time he gets me off but I don’t think it’s going anywhere. I’m going to keep to myself for a bit.

Things just never go the way you planned. I woke up this morning early and was in the shower getting ready to leave to Mexico and my sister started screaming, I ran out to find my nephew having a seizure and my sister is just a mess, we are told to record and time it and she’s just the worst, there is no calming her down she just screams and cries, so she was no help and told my older nephew to call my niece and then to call an ambulance and I gave him his rescue med and just watched. It took a while for him to come to and the ambulance took a while to get to us, but really there isn’t much they can do. They just checked his vitals and said to take him to the hospital and even then when we do they say just monitor him and follow up with his neurologist. It’s a waste of time. It’s always just sad, he’s just a kid he doesn’t deserve this, and we worry about him all the time. I try not to think about it too much because then I just get angry and sad. We had such a good day yesterday too, I picked him up from school we went to sprouts to get snacks stopped at the house and went to the indoor play place and he even made a little friend after that his mom picked him up and they went for dinner. It just hurts that there is nothing we can do, they will most likely just up his meds and that’s all. It’s still a mystery cause it’s in his sleep and not usually while he’s awake but we can’t be awake all night watching him even if we tried. So we continued on with our day, no way we were going to go to Mexico now, but we went to the farmers market and got a coffee and drove around then got tacos for breakfast. Things have calmed down but I still can’t relax.

I need to be up early tomorrow let’s see how that goes. I’m excited to be somewhere new and get out of town at least for the day. I just got back home from hanging out with Stephen. Wasn’t really planning on going out but he was in the area and I thought why not, he’s a good friend, might as well kick it. It’s like we are in the same boat, sort of. He’s trying to make something happen with a girl and shooting his shot but also over the temptation of tinder but on the fence about if it’s worth it. I was telling him how I deleted all the apps and would like to meet someone out in the wild. Or maybe just take a break after my bad decision making. He’s been giving me good advice and I appreciate it. He’s easy to talk to, not judgmental and we can just be honest and it’s cool. I’m hoping we both have some success in meeting someone new. I feel good about our conversation, all this was just a lesson and learning experience, we have the power to make something new happen.

I just had to start a new set of antibiotics cause I got results back from the drs and she’s like this might throw you off a little bit more and cause some side affects so it’s like I can’t win lol I did this to myself , I’m also realizing I have a lot of healing to still do. Just like having a conversation with my niece we got on the topic of mental health and anxiety and it brought up some feeling that I didn’t even realize we’re still there. Just it all correlates in a way, having the people who are your caregivers not give you the attention you need or not understanding the pain your going through or doing things in the way they thought were best but not healthiest and going through it and things being traumatic but having lived through it. And just like some resentment towards that feeling or feeling triggered when things get hard and wanting to be empathetic towards people who have anxiety but also being triggered by it. But anyway I’m trying to take some time to get my shit together. And I’ve been reflecting on trying to just heal.

Sometimes the universe gives you lessons. And it’s because they were giving you clear signs that you choose to ignore and then things happen and you just have to accept that they were trying to protect you but you didn’t listen. I knew I shouldn’t have gone over to Jonathan’s but I did it anyways and now I’m taking antibiotics for whatever he gave me.

It’s been an interesting week so far, my head is spinning, I don’t know what I want or what I’m doing. At least I got my period last week so I’m happy to not be pregnant lol I think maybe the universe has a funny way of telling me that I shouldn’t have gone back to Jonathan. I think I caught something from his dirty ass hot tub so now I’m taking antibiotics I’m sure we were safe but we did finish half a bottle. It’s the only thing I can really guess because I’m kinda sensitive and it’s not like I go swimming often. Like the last time we almost did it he got bit by a spider on his dick, is this some sort of sick karmic joke. And that’s what comes to mind cause I’m sensitive to any little change in soap and we did shower together after messing around in the pool. Let’s hope it’s nothing major. The world has a funny way of making you feel good and bad at the same time. I had quite the conversation with Stephen, he’s still in my good graces. I was telling him about how i circled back and it wasn’t worth it, just whatever I’ve been doing isn’t working or worth it. He’s actually very sweet and sincere in his advice and still manages to make me laugh at the duality of him. He was there for me a couple days ago and it’s nice to have a friend to talk to. And he’s just straight up and honest with me. We can talk and he’s not judgmental. He makes me laugh, he’s a good guy.

I just want to makeout with someone so hot and heavy that taking out clothes off just feels like an afterthought. I just yearn to be touched and kissed passionately.

Did not see Ian, he never responded on if he wanted me to come over. However Oscar did message me. I went over, he’s just so good with his tongue and I’m not worried about catching feeling since he gave me the ick. But it was enjoyable. I want to meet someone new.

Kyle has been messaging me and he said his family is out of town for the week so if I come over we can just kick and be alone. I’m tempted but is that too soon, I mean I know he doesn’t care if I’m seeing anyone else but like seeing one guy one day then seeing another the next. But I also do kinda want to go hang out and get out of my head, smoke a blunt and fuck. He has been hitting my line for weeks and I was kinda dodging it cause I just wasn’t really up for it but now we wouldn’t be bothered by anyone and we’d be at his place instead of a car. Plus his birthday is coming up I should be nice to him. I’m going to shower and think on it, my fam is kinda irritating me so I really want to get out of the house and I wouldn’t mind sleeping over at his place.

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