God I've worked so hard the last, jesus, it's coming up on four years. I clawed myself out of the deepest depression I'd ever experienced. After a traumatic and abusive relationship I had to rediscover everything about myself I had lost in that relationship. I had no social support system, I was isolated from my family, and I had no idea who I was outside of caring for someone else instead of myself during which I think were some of the most formative years of my adolescence. I remember my mom looking at me with such pain and a sort of pity in her eyes that haunts me still; telling me that she didn't even recognize the girl sitting in front of her, her own daughter. That moment will forever stick with me because I swore then to myself that I would never let myself fall back into something so emotionally shattering.
It took so much to rebuild my life at 20 and while I am so proud of myself and grateful for all that I learned, I knew then I couldn't afford to get myself into a position like that later in life where there was so much more I could fuck up, so much more on the line to lose, and it would be so much harder to come back from it.
What was hoped to be a progressive step by step journey was definitely more of a one step forward, two steps back, trip and fall on my face, two steps forward, rinse repeat. While I found myself making the same mistakes over and over again in different ways and finding the same person in different bodies, I felt at times I was not making progress or going anywhere. But in hindsight I can see that each misstep and mistake I made a slightly better than before.
When I started dating again, delineating what was a personality trait versus a red flag was something that caused many a panic attack (something I didn't have before that traumatic relationship I might add) and long drawn out psychoanalytic conversations with my friends. I would meet someone and really like them but the first sign of any trait similar to the person who had hurt me would send me into a tizzy trying to figure out is this a similarity because I am picking the same type of people, is this just a commonality amongst humans, or am I looking for something that isn't there, as though I'm on watchdog mode.
I think there was some truth to all of them. I was repeating the same patterns and therefore was finding the same kind of person. I was looking for approval, appreciation, and security; which led me to finding people eager to put me in a position where I felt as though I had to prove my loyalty, my intentions, or my love to. I was finding myself drained in the ways I had felt for the last 3 years.
I got in another relationship eventually. I really thought I had done this one right, we were friends for about a year first, an honestly neither of us wanted to make the first move and potentially risk the friendship. It was somewhat of a slow burn, and even now only about a year out of that breakup, I can look back with a sort of fondness despite the ending, which I can't do with that first relationship. It was so good for some time, but I still wonder if that first relationship that broke me somehow tainted me in some ways that I may never undo.
It's natural to talk about your past relationships but to be honest I no longer talk about that one. Not only because it brings up feelings of shame and regret, but also because I sometimes wonder if that candidness and attempt to lay things out on the table resulted in showing my cards too soon to people who may, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of that.
I found myself yet again being cheated on and instead of putting myself first I regressed YEARS on the work I had done. I thought we had done this right, and I worked so hard to be with this person in the best way I knew how, I felt as though I would be "giving up" on the work I had done on the relationship. Ignoring the fact that by persevering in the relationship, I was not showing up for myself in the ways I worked so hard to learn over the last two years at the time. I became small and eager to prove myself again, feeling as though I must not be enough and that's why that person went to look outside our relationship. I became "crazy" looking at phones and messages, finding out when and how they cheated on me and with who, looking at uber receipts. It was obsessive, yet at the same time so oddly comforting and familiar. After all I was more used to a relationship where I am constantly on edge and waiting for the other shoe to drop, I know how to handle this...right?? Well it took some time, but it took so much less time to get the fuck out of that than my first time on the merry go round. Not only did I get out quicker, but I also stood my ground much harder. I did get loud and vocal, and honestly mean. But I love that I was able to keep my voice, regardless of whether or not what I said was "right" or "healthy" I knew I was refusing to be made to feel like so little again.
While I hate that I did that, the growth was seen in how I handled it. But thats the point-- I knew now what I didn't then, and little by little improvements were made.
I'll be 24 in 6 weeks and I can honestly say I don't recognize that girl that my mom spoke to 4 years ago curled up in her bed like a child. I still see glimpses of her in moments where something brings up the past or triggers an unfavorable memory, and I try to give her the love and care she so desperately was seeking then. But those moments are few and far between and I would be remiss to say that something like that just happened. I worked my ass off to help that girl find herself again and I will continue to work my ass of so that 25, 27, and 30 year old me can be proud of the building blocks I've laid for her.
I am still finding myself, and I know that as each year passes I will see a different version of myself. But I like who I am, I like that I have passions and I have interests that are just mine, I love my friends and my support system. They get me through so much and I know I wouldn't be where I am today without their constant support and encouragement and love. My little sister is my best friend and she is the greatest gift my parents ever gave me. I know my body and respect my body now more than ever. I feel good in my skin and I feel good in how I present myself to others. I love that I work with teenagers and I get to play a role in supporting them in the ways I wish I had at the time. I love that I've found volleyball again. I love that I love my life and more than that I love that I know I will be able to handle anything life throws at me.
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