Chaotic Energy @livyjeanjean - Tumblr Blog

"California's beautiful, but I may just let you have it. Cuz there's a whole wide world outside of me and you."

I finally understand. It took me almost a year to get it but, now as I stand here with someone who I truly love with every ounce of my being- I understand. You weren't the only- the one big- the true love. You were sent to me for a reason. I was so sure because you taught me exactly what I needed to know to be prepared for the actual love of my life. You taught me so much, and I'm not angry anymore. I've finally managed to let go of all the last attachments I had to you- I've unfriended I've unfollowed, hell I even blocked. Because I don't need you anymore. I don't need that hold. I met her and suddenly I wanted every trace of you gone. Because everything I learned from you about what love feels like... it makes so much sense now with someone who actually loves me. Let me tell you, it's a wild experience. To be wanted and loved equally if not more some days. Thank you for the lessons. You gave me all I needed to be ready for her.

And I'm gonna marry her.

subversivegrrl

nixnereid

Imagine Charlotte and Mia after that conversation

Sharing a taxi, not talking much just enjoying the quiet, hands between them close enough to almost touch, but not yet

Charlotte politely complimenting Mia's house, looking around and finding all the traces of warmth she see in Mia reflected in little splashes of colour and knick knacks left around the room

Mia making her a warm tea

Sharing a blanket on the couch, talking some more, sharing about their lives, their interests, Charlotte just showing picture after picture of her and her daughters and Mia taking it all in

Mia seeing the spark come back in Char

Mia melting at seeing Char in her pjs

Char just shuffling awkwardly before getting into bed

Mia reassuring her for the thousand time that it's fine, they can share the bed, but if it's too much Mia is ready to take the couch, she got a comfortable one

Charlotte falling immediately asleep, for the first time in a while she feels safe and happy

Mia holding Charlotte's hand, she didn't even register reaching for it, who knows since when, for how long she's been holding on

Mia silently promising herself and Charlotte to never let go for as long as Charlotte wanted

nixnereid

Mia: Charlotte was in a bar distraught, at rock bottom

Charlotte at the bar: (｡•́︿•̀｡)っ\̅_̅/̷̚ʾ ｌｅｍｏｎａｄｅ

I truly believe that your one big love in life is not the one you marry. It's not the one you settle down with. It isn't even the one you dream of forever with. I believe your one big love in life is there to teach you something. Whether that's to love again, to open your heart up, to treat people better, or maybe even it's just ... how to fall in love.

My one big love in my life was there to teach me that I could still fall in love again after being hurt. She taught me that I could exist again in the arms of someone new. She gave me an outlook on life I'd never have gotten if it wasn't for the short time I knew her. I met her in a state of complete brokenness, a heart so far from freshly shattered yet completely unsure if love existed again. She met me with a simple "hi!" ..and I was hooked. She brought chaos and joy into my very quiet settled life, but a chaos I'd soon learn it would be hard to live without. Running from end to end of a campus I'd never even heard of to watch event after event, I craved the feeling of her hand in mine.

But your one big love really isn't ever what you think it is.. its also heartbreak. It's confusion, anger, hostility and loss. One night is spent on FaceTime for 14 hours, but you wake up on the phone on the same day you also lose them... Confusion sits lodged deep in your very being as one by one the friends you made start to fizzle out and you realized that for her- your one big love- you weren't even close. Sure, she loved you, or at least she says she thought she did. But you were more aware of the world, aware of the pain it can bring alongside love that is so easily mistaken. You realize the follows she still has on your accounts are mere forgotten plus signs...

Life.. goes on. Songs she added to your Playlist play and you don't hear her voice in them like you used to. A forgotten subscription to her college campus reminds you of an event, and you're able to click off the button, letting that part of your life go. Christmas music doesn't make you hate yourself anymore. She isn't attached to the things you love in your mind, you can go see a show and not hear her giggling in your head.

See.. for me, my one big love didn't love me the same way I loved her. And that's.. okay. I still stand by the fact that my heart will always love her, even if I didn't get the closure my heart wanted. My one big love gave me my future loves, even if I didn't know it yet. In a way, I think I owe her for that. There are days I miss her, when something happens and I want her to know, but I can't tell her. When tragedy comes and I am left wishing I could seek her peace just one more time. I miss her, yes. But who we are now as people are better apart. I'll always love her. Just not in the way I once had.

So thank you, One Big Love. Thank you for everything.

Deleting old notes and came across some poems, expect a dump over the next few days 🤣

Who are you?

Who ARE you?

Because once I knew someone

who's whimsical outlook on the world

defied the very gravity holding down my feet.

Her eyes were green like forest moss,

I walked the waters edge, tiptoeing the green shores;

I wanted to explore forever.

But now if I were to visit the ground my soul had dug its roots in-

I'd be face to face with a grey-green sky,

overcast and fearfully silent.

Where once her soul bounced with joy,

My broken heart now drags itself through the sand.

Footprints made in the wet soil of my

imagination have now hardened

into permanent reminders of you.

I try to trace them back,

a literal search of my soul-

But I can't find you.

The X on my map has disappeared,

A strange monotone sound now mimics

your once sweet voice-

I can't remember how you sound.

Tell me how someone I once knew

Better than I even knew myself-

Tell me how you have faded from my mind-

Yet..

You're still in every crack of my soul.

-l.p

#poetry #self work

She called me Angel....

I hated it.

12 years ago I joined a Fandom. I met my very best friend. And every attempt we tried to make to see each other always failed. Til today. 12 years later, I finally met them💜

#paily anchors #paily

petaltexturedskies

Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Vita Sackville-West dated 20 March 1928

Today, I spoke to a friend about how I finally feel like I can begin to let go. I don't think I've ever truly loved someone before I loved you, and that thought alone scares me. Because if I ever love again, I'm afraid to feel this way all over. I wasn't innocent. We both hurt each other. But.. now I sit here in the final dust settling silence of it all and realize that I'm finally okay to just exist again. I met someone who seems to get me really well, but I'm afraid to let her in for fear of feeling this lost again. I don't know that I'll ever fully be able to stop feeling the love I had for you, even years from now. But I can feel it fading into the background of our memories, like the sound of your voice, soft and quiet. Your laugh no longer haunts my dreams, and I can't lie and say I don't miss it. I miss you, I probably always will, but.. that's okay. Sometimes, it has to be that way. I wish I knew what made you hate me so suddenly.. maybe that's part of why I don't think you'll ever fully leave my mind. There's so many unanswered things I'll never know.. but I have to be okay with that now. So that I can continue to heal and move on, just as you should be able to. I hope you're doing okay. Should you ever see this, please know I'm still cheering you on. I always will.

Thank you for the memories.

See ya someday.