am i am

i am the “ber” in Lizber Nation

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Y O U R   D O G

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♫ I don’t wanna be your little pet At the edge of every bed you sleep in ♩

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She nearly choked on the brandy she was downing upon hearing his comment. If he was already two shots in, she wanted to catch up. Although that wouldn’t take much. The girl couldn’t help the twisted, disgusted expression at the taste of the distilled spirit. She had always hated alcohol – how it bubbled on her tongue and dried out the back of her throat. The world was consuming flavoured hand sanitizer, and she had fallen for the trap, despite never understanding why.

Samaire didn’t understand a lot of things. She didn’t understand why she had been convinced she had to go to Oxford. She didn’t understand how she said no to him last Christmas. She felt like she didn’t understand who she was anymore, a stranger trapped in her olive-skinned flesh prison.  

She understood Ryder though. Familiarity trickled over their being together, her fuzzy-socked toes extending to poke his thigh. “Nuh-uh! I took a shower today,” she claimed with child-like pride. After lifting the inside of her shirt collar to her nose, the brunette knelt on the brown, leather couch right next to him, their knees kissing. Her arms lifted high, a stupidly playful grin spread across her lips as she willfully forgot they were angry with one another. “Smell my armpits.”

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While Ryder didn’t know why the change of their relationship he happened, he was able to recognize it as quickly as it came. It happened when he decided to move with her to Harvard. It was clear that things just hadn’t been the same between the two of them, but not on any of his part, just hers. He had been previously trying and trying to keep him afloat, but nothing seemed to be satisfying to her. That wasn’t to say there aren’t any good parts to their relationship, but it was impossible for him to ignore the lack appreciation, understanding and support. 

 Sometimes Ryder thought about what life would have been like if she hadn’t moved away and left him behind. The sort of pain he would feel whenever he took the time to think about this was indescribable. How often he felt like a naive fool for thinking about it, causing his own pain again. There was even doubt in his own intentions, as if he wasn’t sure if he was using this as self harm.  

Playfully, he pretended to struggle in the hold she had on him. After dramatically and gently breaking free of her grasp, freeing his face, he slumped on the couch, sinking and sinking until he laid on the floor, holding an imaginary white flag. “Tell momma I’m sorry.” He choked out in a whisper before feigning death.

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P E R F I D I A

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♪  Nadie… Comprende lo que sufro yo  ♬

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And victory was his. 

“I miss you, Benji.” Lo slurred out, drunk off of pleasure. The woman found it nearly embarrassing how easily he was able to get her to just melt into his very hands just by his teasing. “I miss you. I miss you.” How could she not tell him the truth? More importantly, would he have even believed her if she said she didn’t miss him? That was an unlikely scenario in her mind anyway. 

Despite how angry she had been with him throughout this entire time, Lo couldn’t help but miss him. She missed things that she hadn’t ever thought she would have missed before. Things such as the way he smelled, the way his eyebrows would furrow together once he was beginning to awake. She missed the way he took his coffee, and she missed the way he would slouch into her whenever he would relax on the couch with her after coming home from work. 

Her soul simply craved every inch of his being. 

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Y O U R   D O G

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She nearly choked on the brandy she was downing upon hearing his comment. If he was already two shots in, she wanted to catch up. Although that wouldn’t take much. The girl couldn’t help the twisted, disgusted expression at the taste of the distilled spirit. She had always hated alcohol – how it bubbled on her tongue and dried out the back of her throat. The world was consuming flavoured hand sanitizer, and she had fallen for the trap, despite never understanding why.

Samaire didn’t understand a lot of things. She didn’t understand why she had been convinced she had to go to Oxford. She didn’t understand how she said no to him last Christmas. She felt like she didn’t understand who she was anymore, a stranger trapped in her olive-skinned flesh prison.  

She understood Ryder though. Familiarity trickled over their being together, her fuzzy-socked toes extending to poke his thigh. “Nuh-uh! I took a shower today,” she claimed with child-like pride. After lifting the inside of her shirt collar to her nose, the brunette knelt on the brown, leather couch right next to him, their knees kissing. Her arms lifted high, a stupidly playful grin spread across her lips as she willfully forgot they were angry with one another. “Smell my armpits.”

[lizbernation]

Ryder couldn’t really explain why it was suddenly so easy for him just to slip back into the routine of before - you know, before. It was like they hadn’t spent years apart for one another. IT was just so easy for them to be them. The joking, the casualness. They were simply just able to co-exist with each other right now without having to be reminded there was something broken between them. Maybe it was the liquor that was making him so calm and open to his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t really have an answer. 

Ryder scoffed sarcastically, really trying to not think about the fact their knees were now touching and that she was so close to him for the first time in years. He didn’t understand why she didn’t stay. He didn’t understand why she would just give up everything the way she had. He just wondered why he was now suddenly enough for her, why suddenly she wanted to try again. “You know,” he began, taking another swig of his brandy. “I think you use the same perfume as Danvers.” 

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As he continued on with his open mouth kisses during his short phone call with his best friend, Lo hadn’t wasted time. Growing tired of simply teasing him lightly through the material of the trousers, she had already began to unzip and undo his pants, so she could finally get that small hand around his long, hard length, just like she had been wanting to do for so long. It just wasn’t the same as when they visited one another. This was real-real. It was physical. He was really there with her. Lo was glad she hadn’t kicked him out, that she decided to give him the opportunity. 

She’s envisioned over and over again. Finally, it was happening. It was happening! The woman sighed happily upon hearing his voice saying her full name the way he had. Her fingers worked skillfully as she was pinned between the shelf unit and him, stroking him the way she knew he liked it, anything to make him feel good. There was no tension. There was no heartbreak. It was just them. Only them. “Say it again.” The brunette asked of him in a sweet, quiet hum. 

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Y O U R   D O G

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Unable to contain himself now that there at least a bit of alcohol flowing through him, he snorted at her question. His long legs crossed the way he usually did when he was simply relaxing, though this time around he was only feigning his comfort. There was no real way of knowing how he felt, mostly because his own feelings confused him. Ryder knew that he missed her, he knew that he also missed hanging out with him, he also knew that he didn’t want to let her back in or even enjoy their time together, because who knows what would happen if he did let back in. 

“Did you ever think about how I maybe am not wanting to sit next to you because you stink?” He spent a lot of time with a five year old. It was hard to not let it sneak into his normal interactions with other people, even though this wasn’t particularly normal. He didn’t actually know what their normal was anymore. He just knew that he was trying something out, and he actually was wondering why the hell he stepped out of his comfort zone. 

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Lo was at a loss for words. So much of their relationship always left her at a loss for words, but this time, she just really did not know what to say to him or about how she feels about what he was doing. All she could think about was how much she had been wanting this, how long she had been wanting this. There were no words for how she felt the moment the moment he exposed her to him. The excitement bubbled and bubbled until it was boiling trouble, only once again exposing herself to Benji about the power he had over her. But it wasn’t just that, it just was that he was really there in front of her, finally. 

Her hands moved his face, back down again until she was undoing the belt he had borrowed from her childhood best friend, fingers brushing against his hard length that pressed into her. Her dark haired head nodded away, giving him the deserving answer he needed to hear from her. She was much too enthralled with him to properly give him a verbal answer, but this excited silence was short-lived. “I do also want you to get that to stop.” Lo remarked, referring to the now vibrating phone in his pocket 

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Y O U R   D O G

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Plenty of people were always so impressed with this single father who was now the general manager of one of the better known bars. How did he manage to make having such a young daughter and having such a demanding job look so easy? That was the thing: it took a while before he actually managed to figure out how to not feel like he was way in over his head. This was one of the moments. He was only behaving like he knew what he was doing, like he was comfortable doing what he was doing, but in reality, he was only hiding that very anxiety. 

There was truth to what he said about Samaire, even if he had said it to mock her in some way. They had been together for years, yet they were acting like they were alone for the first time ever, like they did not know each other at all. At one point this girl had been his very best friend, someone who once knew everything about him, but now they were basically strangers who had a kid together. If he was a constantly rational person who did not attempt to make himself seem like he was a robot, maybe he would admit that he actually kind of missed their friendship and that it was of him to continue on acting like she was nonexistent outside of their child. 

Ryder simply nodded to her request to drink whatever he settled on. Settling on the brandy he had been gifted on his birthday, he stood up straight, large hands brushing the Dickies pants he wore off. After escaping to and coming back from the kitchen, he set down a shot glass and two glasses. Before he had even touched the two glasses, he had decided to do back-to-back shots just to try extra hard to take off the edge. “You’re welcome.” The twenty-five year old said as he handed her the iced glass of brandy, knowing that was how she liked it and took a seat on the other end of the couch with his own glass.  

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Why was he letting go again? 

It wasn’t very often that Lo realized how truly vulnerable she was. Before her father’s death, the person who truly made her feel vulnerable was Benji. Diego had beaten her until her bones would sprain or break, sometimes even needing stitches, but never had she felt as vulnerable as she did when she was with Benji. There were obvious reasons for this, mostly being that it was so difficult to hide from him. They were no longer individuals, but they were one. This was a problem that Lo was only more than welcoming to at times. Aside from that very moment, she resented how vulnerable she would always be with Benji who refused to be vulnerable with her the vast majority of their entire relationship. 

Standing there, staring up at her ex-boyfriend, the Spaniard realized how naked she felt, regardless of the layered red dress that she wore. She also remembered that while he may not be a possessive person, she would always be his, no matter what. It didn’t matter how much time had passed, how hurt she was, how hurt he was. What mattered at the moment was them. 

With her body trapped between his body and the wall, Lo forgot how long they had been apart just for that moment. Those full lips parted, struggling to come up with the words she so desperately wanted to express to him. For so long she longed to be in this position with him again, and now that she was she couldn’t even believe it herself. Her manicured hands moved up his chest smoothly until they held his scruffy cheeks, thumb making small circles. “What do you want to hear?” Softly the words left her lips, eyes studying his handsome face. “Do you want to hear about how I’ve been aching since you brought me in this closet, how I’m embarrassed by it yet I still want you to see how damp I am? Do you want to hear about how I’ve imagining you every single time I touch myself, because all I can think about is how much I love feeling you completely raw inside of me? Is that it, hm?” A thumb trailed it’s way down his cheek to wipe his lips clean off smudged red lipstick before it went back to its previous position. “Or do you want to hear about how I want to hear everything you want to do to me right now, and how you love me.” 

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“We dated for over three years and you’re acting like you have never been alone with me ever before.” The remark was dry, nonchalant as if he was just talking about something absolutely boring. The twenty-five year old was trying to make this feel as normal as possible when in reality his head was spinning. 

There were few times they were alone together, but even then Ryder made sure it was quick and as painless as possible. It didn’t make it any easier on him to actually be around her... well like ever. This time around he just didn’t know what came over him when he decided that they were going to hang out. He just thought it was better to do this than to listen to her ramble about having sex with him. At least she would just be freakin’ distracted.

Who would have thought Ryder would be so anxious about sex out of all things? 

He acted as though it was unbelievable that she was so awkward around him in his home, but he understood why. He was probably just as awkward and anxious about it, yet he was able to mask it well. It wasn’t hard when he was going through his designated liquor cabinet in the credenza in his living room, trying to find a particular drink for the evening. 

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Visiting could only do so much for someone. Stitching was hard enough to describe already, but there were no words that could properly describe the longing that one would feel when separated for a vast amount of time. Being away from Benji was one of the most difficult internal battles she had ever experienced before, and even though she had willfully shut him out - it just didn’t end the instinctive need to be with him, to feel him, to just take him in all together. His confession a year ago left her angry and heart broken, but it didn’t stop the reality of it. 

Instead of answering his question, Lo moved one of her hands up from his neck and pulled Benji’s blonde hair roughly. Her narrowed, pale green eyes were narrowly staring into Benji’s. There was no need to answer him. He knew the answer to his own question. Of course, she missed him. She always missed him. This was something that she had been wanting - hell, she had been needing this. 

That was the thing about Stitching, visiting and all of it. Sex when visiting was different. While it felt real, just like they were right there together, it only left her wanting him more afterwards. It wasn’t just the sex, it was just wanting him there with her, stroking her hair and wrapping his arm around her. But she also missed feeling him between her legs, his lips placing kisses against her skin. 

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“Samaire, do you fucking hear yourself?” The more flustered the man became, the more fidgety he was. Ryder has said before and he’ll say it again: he didn’t want to deal with this. The last thing he wanted to do with Samaire right now was to discuss moving their lack of relationship into something so physical. 

Only she was able to come back in his life and actually cause havoc such as this. Everything hadn’t been easy when she was not in the country, but it certainly wasn’t this hard. Yes, he avoided her like she was the plague, but could anyone really blame him? After all this time, could anyone still blame him? Well, yes, they could. He was still refusing to acknowledge his actual feelings for Samaire. You know, the ones that kept up at night, making it impossible for him to actually get rest and move on like any other normal human being. 

Unwilling to allow him to indulge in his ex-girlfriend as a punishment for the both of them, he only offered her an scoff as he shrugged the woman off, passing her to get to the door. “I can’t believe I have to drive you.” he muttered to himself, regretting the decision to be her ride to the parent-teacher conference. Deciding that he was willing to compromise on this to spare himself, he held the door open, blue eyes meeting the eyes of Samaire. “You can come with me to my place. I will spend time with you if you will just shut up.” 

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While Lo’s arms were limp to her sides, she couldn’t stop from melting into him, nearly letting all of her walls down now. “Now I believe you think too highly of yourself.” The retort was nothing but a murmur that escaped her lips, but it wasn’t the only response Benji received. A gentle nod had followed, both agreeing that they would have ended up in this storage room regardless, and giving him permission to make his move. 

Lo believed that if she verbally expressed to him that he had her permission to touch her the way she desperately wanted him, then she was basically surrendering her ground. What a silly, irrational fear, isn’t? Especially since she knew that he was so very right. They would always end up right back to where they stood, careless to the world around them by being so enthralled by one another. It was why they could never stay away, even after the worst of their fights. Lo always ended up right back by his side. 

That was their history. No matter how many miles between them, the differences in their circumstances, they were always going to find their way back to one another. Only now, it was better than it had been for the past year. He was really there with her, holding her against his larger body. She could actually feel him, taste him, actually be able to connect to him the way she had been longing to connect to him for so long. 

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But that was the problem - he did not trust her. Ryder wouldn’t have thought ever in his life he would be in the position where he did not trust Samaire, but that was the issue: he just did not trust her. There was doubt that he would be unable to trust her ever again. 

Did she think this was easy for him? 

There was nothing more he wanted than to just let go and be with Samaire, but that meant it came with the possibility of him being abandoned again, and unfornunately he just wasn’t put for that all over again. Though, in high school Ryder wouldn’t have been worried about such a thing. There were so many times he forgot how thick skinned he had been so long ago. Only now it felt like the slightest thing he could set him off, leaving him to remove himself mentally and emotionally from others. 

As soon as she responded the way she had, Ryder was left to scoff, absolutely both amused and annoyed by the ridiculousness of everything she ever did. It had been awhile since he found her amusing, so while he would never say it aloud to her, he had to give her props. “Even if I did fuck you,” his voice displayed how incredulous he thought all of this was as his large body stood there in the dark, quiet classroom. “you wouldn’t leave it alone after.” 

[rp-lizbernation]

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♪  Nadie… Comprende lo que sufro yo  ♬

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Kahlo’s life without Benji felt as though color had been removed from her life, only allowing her to continue a mundane life in which she would only be able to think of her colorful memories. Her world had changed drastically all around that time, too. On top of losing Benji, Augustyn had begun to slip away from her and her family. The world she had been taught to love so much had begun to slip from her. 

Lo’s eyes narrowed slightly as she looked up at the man who stood in front of her. “I don’t need your rescuing.” How funny was it now that he decided that he would be there for her, provide his assistance. For so long he had refused her, opted to be out of her and just downright told her that he didn’t want to be with her, yet there he was, with her. 

Her interest in playing his games again had ceased. She felt like she had wasted so much time waiting for him, allowing him to come back when he pleased, even when he would make it clear that he no longer wanted her anymore. She would allow him back, allow him to indulge her, all while she waited for the opportunity for him to realize he was wrong to leave, to say he didn’t want her anymore. Though, no it was hard to concentrate on how much she didn’t want to play his games when she was so close to him in this storage room. 

For once, she wanted to play her own game. 

[rp-lizbernation]

Y O U R   D O G

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Ryder, unsurprisingly, hated himself. Why? He hated himself, because he couldn’t stop himself from missing Samaire in every single way he possibly could. He missed the way he would wake up with her small body curled up, pressed against his back. as he slept on his side, he missed the way she would sit on the sink and talk to him as he showered. He even missed the way her toes would curl on his shoulders as his tongue eagerly lapped her right up. There hundreds and hundreds of reasons why he missed her, but this had been the closest they have been in years. 

Ryder was angry at her for deciding to do this now out of all times. It was unnecessary and inconvenient for him, not just inconvenient, but it ruined great news that they had just received from Ronin’s teacher. Not to mention, he finally had a night alone. With Ronin spending the night at Grandma Harloh’s home for the weekend, he had wanted to get the opportunity to grab a beer with Trevor - something he hadn’t been able to do in months. He just wanted to enjoy this night, but he wasn’t going to get to do that apparently. 

In all honesty, Ryder couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  Well, of course he understood where she coming from. Those thoughts she was expressing? Despite what people would think, he has had those very thoughts before. “You want to fuck me?” Ryder questioned with enthusiastic hand gestures once the realization dawned on him. “You start all of this shit constantly so we can just fuck like we used to?” 

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Once Benji broke his connection from her, Lo felt surprised with herself that she actually allowed herself to be so unguarded that he was able to connect with her, but in a way, it was unsurprising. How could it be? The German had been her best friend for what felt like forever. He was her soulmate, her lover - all of that just doesn’t go away automatically. It didn’t matter whether she finally shut down. Lo was forever his as he was forever hers. 

The only difference between then and now was that Lo wasn’t sure of how long he would stay there with her, if he actually loved her like he was now claiming he did. Although, Lo was not a ignorant woman and was aware of her soulmate, there was discouragement on whether or not she actually could trust whats he thought she receiving from him. There had been clearly confusion on her part about it. 

Lo could still remember the first time they snuck off to a storage closet together. It had been during the first act of the Christmas play that Benji had decided to take them to. Feeling him as she palmed his crotch during her connection to him was burned into her memory, just as the feeling of confidence had built up when she finally loosened him up enough to play with her. But nothing was better than when they decided to ditch the first act of the play and finally snuck into that storage room. It so hard not to get lost in the memories they shared together now that they were no longer an item. 

Eyeing the man in the navy blue suit, Lo let out a soft laugh at his wink before downing the rest of the wine in her glass. There was nothing more she wanted to do than to escape anywhere with him. The last thing she wanted to do was to be under a microscope. “In an hour, you can do whatever the hell you want.” Lo remarked. 

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There was only one question that constantly occurred to him almost every hour of his day. What was that question? Did he have feelings for Samaire still? 

 Of course, he still had feelings for her. He had been with this girl since he was nineteen years old, he had a child with her, and he had been devastatingly in love with her the moment he met her to the moment she stood in front him, trying to agitate him into expressing himself to her. Ryder never wanted to break up with Samaire. If it had been up to him, then they would still be together, but that wasn’t how life worked so he did not bother to dwell on it too much. 

“Did it ever f*cking occur to you that I simply just don’t have any feeling for you?” He asked rhetorically, knowing that she would want to pipe into that and totally unaware that In the heat of the moment, he was taking steps toward her. Well, in reality he was hoping to slip to the door and to his car. Ryder wouldn’t allow her that pleasure though, so he quickly followed with, “I don’t have to a relationship with you outside of having our kid, Samaire. You can say all you want that you “understand” and “accept” our situation now, but you clearly don’t.” 

Ryder just wanted to move on from this person who shattered his heart. He never loved a girl the way he loved Samaire ever before, but that had meant nothing to Samaire. She left him and turned him down even that. How was it possible for him to open himself back up to her the way she wanted him to? It just couldn't happen.