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Mike Driver
hello vonnie
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ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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Today's Document
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Show & Tell
blake kathryn
oozey mess
occasionally subtle
JVL
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sheepfilms
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@llamallamaducckk
Like, seriously.
I want to die bc I just cba with life, I just have no energy to fight anymore.
I have so much to look forward to in life, I shouldnāt feel like this.
I guess thatās when I know Iām really not very well at all.
Why do become shocked when I think that it isnāt normal to want to drown in the bath every time youāre alone in it.
When will I realise that wanting to drown in the bath isnāt normal?
When will I realise that this isnāt normality. Wanting to die isnāt something that should be so familiar.
Pointless really bc we all know you canāt drown in a bath easily.
Ehhhh.
Psych review today.
Ptsd reconfirmed
BPD actually diagnosed (not just traits bc over 21 now) (it was also looking like I wasnāt gonna meet the criteria the past few months but nope still right in it all)
And bipolar to be confirmed at the next review
If not bipolar then depressive disorder
Mood stabilisers to start n mood diaries
EMDR halted bc to emotionally unstable rn
Ptsd at its worst
What even is life
Iām doing so well
Iāve come so far
But I am so, so sad and empty
Just eh
Feel like a complete and utter failure
What even is life rn
My days are just fighting urges
I just wanna sleep actually sleep properly n not nightmares actual restful sleep
Eh.
Iām struggling with the fact that I have all this blame and feelings and actually disbelief. I honestly feel like Iām lying. I donāt believe myself. How? Why? I know it happened. But my head literally thinks Iām lying. That Iām horrible. A liar.
Maybe itās because so many people called me a liar. Maybe bc my mother said āif you are lying you can tell the truth nowā to me. Like sheās my mum n I feel so sad to think these things.
My mother asked that question. Doubted the reality. Maybe thatās why I didnāt tell her about the other two times. I just forgot they happened.
Keeping me from CAMHS at first, bc it would be on my record and scar me for life.
Telling me that it wasnāt fair that I may need a transplant bc of an overdose that hospitalised me. That her friend who was genuinely sick and needed a transplant would be behind me in the queue. I wanted to be sick enough to need that transplant bc I wanted to die. I wanted to refuse a transplant so at least I could die.
That I never was honest by telling someone I tried to drown myself inside out. I couldnāt touch water for years.
So many memories are being unboxed.
I lied my way through so many psych consults. I spent a childhood wishing to just die.
Iām sad. I get to mourn this. I get to be sad that too many men and too many boys impacted that childhood.
That Iām having to learn how to have an actual healthy sexual relationship, because itās never been that way before.
Iāve not hurt myself physically in so long. Itās sporadic and few when it happens.
These last few days have been awful. My anxiety is sky high. Iāve been doing minor things that donāt leave marks but Iāve had to stop myself from burning myself on every day items or smashing my head or finding a blade. Iām either stopping myself from crying or I canāt cry at all.
Iām just exhausted and Iām not sure how to process it all. š¤·š¼āāļø
Brain hurts.
Kinda feel sad.
Trauma therapy is hard. EMDR is working. But still.
We kinda figured that I still have so much blame on myself. As a 22 year old, I know there is no blame on me, but as that 12/13 year old, I feel at fault. I just feel a little bit stuck. And exhausted. And sad. Itās nearly ten years. I have come so, so far. I have a life, something I never thought Iād have. But I just want to sob so hard over it. If I start, will I stop? It all hurts so much. It needs to be done, Iām ready for it. Iāve worked so hard. But itās hard, so, so, hard.
I also found out that my CAMHS consultant was terrified that I wouldnāt reach 16 alive. Yep.
Only posting here for the rant:
Now its an urgent ultrasound (not pregnant) and gynae referral.
I mean come on. Let me catch a break.
So that thing where you have a severe reaction to Penicillin. I've been told if I have it again I'll go into anaphylactic shock. šš»š
Deffo marrying the right person. (See previous post) After like 20 mins of posting he texts to say shall we have a night in rather than going out. Cue a much needed night of us and likely sleeping before midnight šš»ā¤
Me and J are at a NYE gathering tonight and I cba. I just have no energy, want my sleep and want a night in. I have a headache which doesn't help and he's been up all night watching the UFC so will sleep most of the day and be fresh for tonight. I wish it was acceptable to not go.
Do you see the mental health services?
Me right now nope š but my GP is there. I got kicked off DBT because they wanted me to stop college which was the only positive thing I had going. Then I got kicked out of services for being kicked off DBT even though I wasn't very stable. GP put a referral in again 2/3 years ago, had my initial appt and they decided I would need treatment, they called once, left no voicemail, you can't ring back those numbers and no one had a clue so yup just leftGP has referred me back again for diagnosis and treatment so just waiting on thatIf you weren't aware mh services are utter shite in my area especially. A family friend was sectioned, twice, released each time and then committed suicide a day later. Even if you're at that point there's literally nothing. You can basically only get access to treatment easily if it's a 'simple illness' like depression and CBT is suitable. But even then you're lucky to get help. In my county it's seems as tho once you're 16 you become an adult, and sadly the government/councils aren't as accountable if anything happens.
It's amazing having someone there that cares for you continually through the difficult times. Even when you don't feel like you deserve it. It's the hard times that make you realise you're definitely marrying the right person. ā¤š
Were you ever sectioned?x <3
I was threatened with it but never was sectioned. Due to my age it was basically my parents agreeing to hospitalise me otherwise I'd be sectioned.
How old were you when you were in hospital and how long were you there?
Oh gosh I was in and out of hospital from about 12 I think, it's something that's been around for 10 years or so. I was in and out, sometimes days, weeks, months on end. I've not been back inpatient since I was 15/16 I think.
How do they think you have bipolar? Is it 1 or 2?xx
Cause I've been having a lot of kind of 'manic' phases which Jake has been noticing over the year. My GP who has been there for like my whole life said she thinks I have bipolar on top of the bpd but has put the request to a psych to confirm it. So yeah I've no idea which one/why, just her thought.
Christmas Jumper cake for #savethechildren #christmasjumperday šāļøš
Fun fact
At the ripe old age of 21, likely gonna be getting another new diagnosis of bipolar. šš»
For the past couple of weeks Jakes been nagging me saying that I'm not okay and he felt okay. He's gone on and on saying that I'm not okay and constantly look like I'm about to cry. I had a physio session tonight and it was draining, so many questions to ask etc and I ended up crying about why I stopped going to Pilates. And I guess it kind of triggered me into realising I'm not okay and I've just been on edge and stressed over the past few weeks. How is it that he knows I'm not okay when I don't even know it?