Everything is too much
For a long time I’ve felt like life is passing right before my eyes.
In October 2019 I experienced something that wasted away my motivation and ability to accept who I am. I won’t go into much detail but basically I found the love of my life, I put my heart, soul, and dreams into this person. I made sure that there was never a day where we didn’t talk, where we always had fun together. The type of love where you just enjoy their company. Until something changed.
It started with a few texts from someone I didn’t know on his phone. The slight flirtaous nature of the messages that I niievly brushed off. The post of him on this girls story on social media. The likes on her instagram from him. The random FaceTimes. The worry in my gut when he lied about where he was going.
“You look like her” “she’s just a friend” “you don’t even know her”
I ignored all of it.
I was afraid of the truth. Afraid of the outcome. I buried it so deep that one day the frustration mixed with curiosity finally got to me. I wanted answers. And boy, did I get them.
I will never forget this day. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him that I knew EVERYTHING. What hurt the most was he denied it at first. He hid it for so long without any remorse.
Every day after that has been so hard. I have been through this before with a couple other Ex’s but this has utterly destroyed me mentally. And I beat myself up for it because I am not strong. I think about this incident and everything leading up to it almost everyday. Wondering why it happened, wondering if I’m enough, wondering if I can even get through this fully and forget it. Some days are better than others, but they are short lived and I have not felt %100 since. Sometimes it is SO hard to pretend that I’m okay. I try so hard to act and be the person that I used to be around my friends and family just to spare them from someone who is all of a sudden so lost. Everything kinda fell apart for me. I started using a lot of drugs, I quit my job, I lost my best friend, I fell out of touch with life. My dog even died, and it just hurt even more. I often found myself pondering why this was happening to me, why all of this bad stuff was put upon me at once and that it was wrecking me from the inside out. “Why me?” I just wanted things to go back to how they were before. Not just in my relationship, but everything in a sense. I wanted to feel right again.
What’s so crazy about love is that someone could hurt you in the worst way imaginable, but you still love them the same, and they still put a smile on your face. It took me a long time to build to courage to want to forgive him, to want to fix this. I love this person with my entire soul, and plan on spending the rest of my life with them. I will never understand why this happened. But I believe real love finds it’s way even when there is pain. I gave him another chance because I knew I could see change in him. I knew that we could get through this I knew that he would be serious about it, and that it would lead to our future together. He is different from any other person that I have met. And I knew in my heart that leaving him because of this would hurt more than staying and trying to fix it.
At first I didn’t really know where this post was going. But I just want someone to listen. No body, and I mean nobody in my life understands what I’m going through. It’s hard to talk about moving on from this to other people because I’m afraid they will judge me because I decided to stay in the relationship. Or they might tell me that I should leave, or that I made a mistake. I wish I could talk to someone who has also been through this.
Some days are really hard. It used to be all I ever thought about. But I’m learning to accept what happened and believe that things will continue to get better. I so desperately wish I could forget everything about it, every time I remember or even bare the thought I just get so sad, angry, and anxious. It makes it hard to deal with my emotions. I hope someday soon I can feel myself again.
