Sicheng stands in front of the mirror, silently considering himself—pulling faces, sucking his cheeks in to diminish his jowls a bit; he’s never been particularly self-conscious about his appearance, but today was woefully important, and he could never trust Xuxi to tell him if something was off.
He sighs, trying his best to let go of his concern, running his hands over his face to clasp at his hair in a show of grief, like some Renaissance statue, almost relieved to feel skin beneath his fingertips, as he’d stared at himself long enough that his face had begun to feel unreal; everything about the day’s itinerary felt unreal, and it didn’t help that he was worn from his schedules—he still expected that he might awaken at some point to find that this whole entire thing had been some subconscious exercise in absurdism.
They were preparing to leave so that they could meet Xuxi’s semi-estranged father, and his stepmother, for dinner at some pleasantly plush restaurant; Xuxi’s father, a man whom he’d never met before, and who did not know that Xuxi was in a relationship with a boy, or liked them, even. The cocktail that bubbled in Sicheng’s gut was a confusing one: two parts self-disgust to one part wanting to be there for Xuxi, with a jigger or two of standard-issue social anxiety just to top it off. Shaken, not stirred, judging by the nauseated twist in his gut.
It’s impossible that Xuxi’s father will be happy—that he knows—and he still thinks this whole thing is a bad idea; ideally, Xuxi would go to this dinner alone, or preferably with his mother, and reconcile with his father easily and surely, and Sicheng would remain a secret, tucked away quietly where he belonged. Only he still recalls the look on his boyfriend’s face when he’d suggested as much, so he doesn’t dare speak this opinion again.
He keeps telling himself that it’s just because he doesn’t want Xuxi hurt—he’s certain that he will be—if his father doesn’t take well to this abrupt severing of his bloodline. But Xuxi’s so sweetly, and so blindly, optimistic; he hopes for the best, and dives in head first, and Sicheng’s seen this bruise him more than once. He hates that things couldn’t just be normal, that he couldn’t be enough. And he hates that that isn’t the only thing that bothers him about this scenario, that there’s a part of him that wants to remain a secret; there’s no turning back from how unmistakably, and irrevocably real this becomes after this.
He doesn’t think he’s ready to be known like this, to exist outside of the capsule world he’d constructed here, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready, and if there’s anyone worth popping the bubble for, it’s Xuxi.
The uncertainty he feels in the depths of his mind make him feel like he’s failing his boyfriend.
He watches the doe-eyed boy, long like a beanpole, in the mirror as he pulls his shirt on, and Xuxi catches him, and smiles, although it’s an unusually reserved smile, which prompts a pang of guilt in Sicheng, especially when he asks how he’s doing.
“I’m scared…” he admits quietly, almost a whisper, and he turns towards his boyfriend, walking to sit on the edge of their bed, close to him, trying to control the shaking of his hands, which were ice cold with fear, “I’m just…” his voice falters for a moment as tears form in his eyes, and he blinks them away, angry at them—he hated crying, “I want this to go well, and I…I don’t see how it can.”
xuxi knows that sicheng’s nervous, that he’s concerned for xuxi’s relationship with his father, and how he’s meant to be trying to fix it. but, xuxi knows that lying to his dad, and pretending he’s someone he’s not just so they can become close again isn’t going to help in the long run. he’d much rather get it all out in the open to begin with so he can see whether he should even bother trying to mend their relationship.
if his father doesn’t accept his relationship with sicheng then xuxi doesn’t have to bother with seeing him ever again. he’d done fine without him in his life for years, so why worry about losing him now, over something far more important to xuxi. family, people keep telling him, is important, and he should want to mend things with his dad, to be a part of his life, and his dad be a part of his, but how can he bring his dad into his life without telling him about sicheng, when sicheng is such a large part of it.
his heart aches a little when sicheng admits his fear, knowing that by asking him to come to the dinner, xuxi was asking a lot of him. this was a big step for them both, and although xuxi was very set in his decision to open up to his father about sicheng, he knew sicheng cared about the status of his mending relationship with his father.
“we don’t... know that for certain.” he tries to reassure sicheng, though part of him knows he’s trying to reassure himself at the same time. taking sicheng’s hand he sighs. “it’s going to be fine. if it... doesn’t go well it isn’t the end of the world, and i’d honestly rather know sooner rather than later, when it’ll hurt more.”
if he forms a good relationship with his dad, and then later finds out he doesn’t approve of xuxi’s love, then it’ll hurt more to watch the relationship crash and burn again. if it all goes wrong now, he won’t lose as much of himself to the falling apart of the relationship. “i don’t want you to worry about this, it isn’t your problem to worry about, baby.” he’s been trying to tell sicheng he doesn’t need to think about if it goes well or not, that he won’t lose anything if it goes badly, but of course sicheng cares too much about xuxi’s well being.
leaning his head on sicheng’s shoulder he sighs. “i love you, and that’s all that matters. if he can’t accept that, then i can’t accept him in my life. it’s that simple.”
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