heart bursting.

when the heart needs another aorta.

[lnkposts]

Every day without you still feels like I've cut off a limb with a dull knife. And every time I get a reminder that you have someone else now sends waves of nausea over me. I feel so foolish and it feels so deserved. Sometimes I think this feeling is a gift I'm giving to you.

[lnkposts]

we have never truly spoken before, only a few words at a time, about work and weather. maybe it was the hour, maybe it was the wine, but he asks, and i tell, and i ask, and he tells, both of us spilling over. i tell him it was the warmth in your eyes, the love you build around me, your poetry. he tells me it was the sunrise over a lighthouse, her hair, her smile. he wants to say more about her hands, i want to talk about your mouth. we wisely refrain.  do you think about her still, i ask him. why are you sad, he asks me. i tell him i am scared, longing. he nods. he knows. he tells me it was timing. i nod. i know. are you moving on, we ask each other. he says maybe. he tells me of the past. i say no. i tell him of the nights. just breathe, he tells me. time could bring you back. there is so much time, he says. i remember, destiny is a well-wrapped gift hidden somewhere for you to find. i hope you find yours, i say. we feel like soldiers returning from war. i tumble out into the wet night, and think of you.  

[lnkposts]

dearest, i think my heart is broken. i think this was too much, on top of everything, on top of all this, and i think my heart is broken. was that our last coffee stairwell kiss? was that the last time our fingers lock? i'm not ready. wait, wait. i know this is right but please, earth, turn slow.

[lnkposts]

It’s everything we both know but we’re not saying. 

[lnkposts]

do i have to feel romance novel sparks forever roses with you

because i feel warm blankets with you. i feel like stepping into familiar houses, like childhood books, like a glass of milk when you can’t sleep. you know me, every nook and cranny, every selfish habit, every temper tantrum. and i know you, every side smile, the way you look with your guitar, the shape of your hands. i know your forehead against mine, your fingers on my knees, the way we look in late lamplight in the backseats of our friend’s cars. you see me sleep, you let me cry, you step over all my walls to hold me. we’ve grown together like brick-wall ivy, all your kisses grew into gardens in my hair. i only know us, being us. how do you know anything else?

[lnkposts]

my love for you is so loud? like, i can’t believe people can’t hear it rattling around in my ribcage when i’m passing them by?

[lnkposts]

i decided not to say anything because i didn’t want to ruin how good we’ve got it right now. lately, i just never know if we’ll still be talking in the evening. your knee touches mine and five seconds later i’m 500 miles away. our hearts are too fragile, i guess. do you remember when we used to be happy? i miss that. 

[lnkposts]

No one ever warned me that love would be this messy, no one ever warned me that it would mean this  shattering this i can’t breathe when i hear your name this missing you like a pain in my chest hot this mess, crumbling mess, dirt and debris

just

blood moving in your veins when you don’t remember what it was like to not be lying on your salty floor for hours, thinking about what it was like to be happy.

[lnkposts]

here’s the strange, inevitable, ironic truth: that every time i make you leave, the way you handle it is so loving and patient and gracious that i fall a little further into you.

[lnkposts]

i miss you so much and i am so jealous of everyone who gets to see you that i think i’m going to throw up. feelings are gross.

[lnkposts]

I say, “I’m a lot,” and he says, “Yeah sure you’re a lot but you’ll never be too much for me to carry.”

[lnkposts]

I don’t think I have boundaries between romantic and platonic anymore.

[lnkposts]

Backing off, because I put you through so much crap, and because sharing you is the hardest thing I have to do, because loving you is the saddest thing I’ve ever done.

[lnkposts]

All I's On Me

All I can think was all I can never be. All I can be, I am not. All I am not, I can see.

All I never be, I wish I was All I thought I should be, I cannot be All I am now, I can’t see

All I was, I just forget All I am, I just hide All I will, I just imagine

[lnkposts]

I wish I could magic away anything that makes you sad. I wish it was curable with a bowl of soup and a song. I wish I wasn’t the one to make you hurt, but I am, and I don’t know what to do about it, and all I want to do is throw my arms around you but everyone knows that makes nothing okay.

[lnkposts]

after three years of sideways glances, we smiled at each other for the first time today. maybe this smile will snowball into something else and we can make up for all the lost time.

[lnkposts]

I'm going kind of nuts not having you to talk to every minute, but I don't want you to waste time on me, so I'm coping by texting every other person I know in a desperate bid for companionship. Everyone already has someone else and the thought of having to look for a new best friend is terrifying, even more than the thought of having to spend the next few years lonely.