“no i–it’s my fault. maybe i should have just ignored it.” sure there was the rule you had to kiss someone, but it wasn’t required. he could have easily just disregarded it all, especially when enzan hadn’t even taken notice of it. then maybe things wouldn’t be so awkward. he still feared that he had ruined things between the two of them. it didn’t seem like enzan hated him for what he did, but lan still found himself nervous.
“m-misconstrued?” he echoed, now looking up to meet enzan’s eyes. what did he mean by that? did he think lan really wanted to kiss him? did he want lan to kiss him? he didn’t understand. what was he supposed to say? should he be honest? should he risk it? with how he was acting, enzan may end up seeing through him either way. so he would take a leap of faith.
“i-i wanted to kiss you–” he blurted out, feeling his face grow hotter. “i…i was really confused after i kissed you. and embarrassed too. so i had to leave.” he explained, his gaze falling back into his lap. “and i realized i really did want to kiss you. and then…everything just sort of clicked. b-but…i was scared to go back out. i thought you would be mad. or hate him. or think i was disgusting.” he felt his shoulders shaking as he spoke. he was so nervous. “y-you can go if you’re uncomfortable. i’m sorry, enzan.”
lan wanted to kiss him. it was hard to wrap his mind around this being real. yet, at the same time, it was such a lan thing to do. to not realize his own feelings until after he’s kissed enzan, and not even realize until after how awkward the situation might become. except it wasn’t, because enzan felt the same way towards lan. for much longer than he’d like to admit.
it wasn’t as if he was waiting for lan. it would be pathetic to wait on someone for four years, especially someone who couldn’t recognize romantic intention if it was smacked across his forehead. he’d simply forced himself not to think about it, until the feelings would fade to a residual ache, then he’d see or hear from lan again and the cycle would start all over. but it was different now, because lan apparently reciprocated his feelings -- even if he hadn’t realized it himself until a few moments ago.
“ don’t jump to conclusions when you haven’t given me a chance to respond. ” normally, words like that would have come out harsher, but he was so flustered by the situation -- and what he was about to say next -- that his tone was uncharacteristically soft. “ ... which is hypocritical of me, since i feel the same way about you. ”
enzan paused, face heating up and feeling the room start to close in on him -- he had never spoken these feelings aloud, not even to protoman ( though he’d figured it out regardless, which was another matter entirely ). he had never had feelings like these for anyone except lan, nor had he ever shared them. he wasn’t sure what he was doing. he just didn’t want lan to think that he would hate him, especially when the opposite was true.
“ what i mean is ... i ... i like you-- i have liked you-- for a while. i didn’t want to make things awkward between us or between hub and protoman, so i kept quiet. if anything ... i thought you might think those things about me. ”
