I feel numb. Dumb. And like a cuck. Wow. I hate myself.
Claire Keane
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@lobotimizedlavender
I feel numb. Dumb. And like a cuck. Wow. I hate myself.
I FUCKING HATE MY MOTHER.
I hate the way she speaks
The way she thinks
They way she ACTS
Sometimes I swear she’s an abhorrent fuxking monster
If I could I would.
With the ringing in my eyes
And constant ache to my heart
Nothing feels real except this sadness
So if I could, I would.
I would be happy.
But instead I want to end.
If I told you I missed you
Would you laugh at me
Or say you missed me too?
If I whispered it
Would you lean into me
Or take a step back?
If I mumbled it
Would you tell me to speak up
Or kiss it out of me?
What if I yelled the phase?
Would you feel it then
Or still tell me you felt nothing at all?
I have to stop asking for her; begging for her to be in my life
She’s moved on; she doesn’t care
So why do I?
Why do I care for someone who wouldn’t care if I lived or died….
The days have stretched into weeks, months, and years
The seconds which felt like eons have stretched on infinitely
I feel my soul ache for you. The cord around my heart is immobilizing
My lungs work fine but I still can’t manage to catch my breath
After all these years I’m still just waiting to hear your voice again
I find myself so quickly turning to my negative thoughts
and missing the opportunity to stay present, stay within the moment and just live it
but I to remind myself to feel the feelings and let them pass
so I can focus on continue living the next moment for what it is
instead of of what I want it to be
And hopefully with time nothing will raise my anger
or my fear, or my arrogance, or my bad habits I’ve hard to change
Not you nor her will love me the way I deserve to be loved
The art of learning to love is a journey for one no matter how you do it
It’s strange..
Knowing you’ll never know just how much I loved you
How every gesture; every act of service was my expression of love
YOU FUCKING USED ME
Made me feel loved
But talked 💩 behind me back
Broke me heart and my wallet.
Fuck you!
Fuck him!
Fuck every thing I ever did for you!