"Today I feel really really silly. Because I am wearing a shower cap but I have not showered.
I've had family and friends insist it isn't noticeable, but they don't feel the back of my head. They don't get the headaches from pulling so much and picking the skin on my scalp. They don't feel the throbbing pain in my elbow from raising my hand up and down all day, and looking for ways to lean it on something because I am so desperate to keep pulling.
I feel silly when people ask why I wear hats all the time, and I feel silly when I have to take them off. I feel silly when I wash my hair but it looks as messy and untidy as it did before I washed it. I feel silly when my hands have made it greasy by the time I'm going to bed.
I feel silly when I want to look nice going somewhere, but those little hairs stick up or out no matter what products I use.
I feel silly when I cry at how thin my hair has become, how patches are close to balding and how short the strands of hairs on the back of my head are, because I have done it to myself.
I feel silly because I so desperately want to stop and yet I keep doing it.
I feel silly because a lot of people have never heard of my condition, and those who learn seem not to fully understand.
I feel silly because saying "stop pulling" is not help. How do I explain that?
Today I feel really really silly because I am sitting alone in bed wearing a shower cap, because I physically cannot stop pulling my hair when there is no obstruction. And nobody understands why.
snowghoul
titsay
gummygunk
origamiaround
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
