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I haven’t talked to Diego since my birthday, it’s the 21st now. Doing pretty good. Two more weeks and I can complete a whole month of not talking.

I’m starting to feel a little better. And by better I mean I don’t find motivation to do anything. With him. No energy. No effort. Only reason I’m going in circles now is because I’m on adderall and my mind will hyper focus on whatever it can.

the-frog-blog-deactivated202510

Your 20s are for lusting after furniture you can’t afford actually

prairiedeath

women who are going nowhere in life i love you with all my heart

*sigh*

Here I am again. It’s 11:35 pm.

I’m laying down, in complete darkness. It’s my sisters birthday and yesterday was mine.

I felt so sad yesterday but also with moments of happiness. So happy it I saw my close friends, was wished happy birthday. I really did feel happy.

The person I wanted to feel loved and appreciated by is not there. Or, even worse. He was there but I didn’t feel loved or appreciated by him. Shocker…

I think about lately and it’s all a blur. I’ve seen that man maybe two or three times since we “stopped”. It’s always the same with him. And I’m getting so tired. Like physically tired.

I remember pulling up his house angry as hell. Spending a lot of the following day there. I remember him calling me randomly and me answering and falling asleep on the phone with him. That was so comforting and I was so happy he called me…

Idk where it all kinda went to shit again. Probably long messages. Idk why I’m tripping either, I’m tired drained and I’m starting to feel like I don’t care anymore.

It’s 10:46 pm and I’m laying down in the dark. I can hear my air conditioner blowing and nothing else.

Man I’ve been going through it. My mind is a fucking mess. Why does my life center my romantic relationship so much? It’s honestly annoying. And draining as fuck. I find no peace. I look on one side and it’s stress, I look at the other and it’s more stress because of my job.

Anyway this post is mostly dedicated to my romantic relationship. I write in my notes app almost everyday. Explaining how I am so sad, angry, confused, regretful, happy, relieved. All kinds of emotions. I’ve come a long way after months of this off and on bull shit.

I started this relationship off being an immature hoe. I was horny and bored and my sole purpose to hit him up was because he was young, fun, and I wanted to have sex. Never in a million years would I have expected for that to become a relationship. For about a year 1/2 I was in control. I had him and Art at the touch of my fingers. One of the things I feared the most was losing this control. I actually had thoughts about that coming to end. I kept pressuring myself that I was going to have to end my relationship with him or art. Realistically I knew I was better off with art, but after the cheating and the bond I formed with Diego. I couldn’t. Without realizing it, he became a safe place for me. Someone I could confide in. He loved me despite my flaws and didn’t seem to care how our relationship started. Little did I know by ending my relationship it would drastically shift his and I’s forever.

I lost control during this moment. Not only of my relationship with Arturo but relationship with him. Being rejected and dismissed was not something I’m used to much less accepting of. It was hurtful, during this time I was working with him as well which made it worse. I remember dreading work, dreading seeing him. I felt like I was being played, as I would still occasionally see him. We would have sex sometimes and I would feel used. He wouldn’t stay and hold me, our intimacy seemed to be at all all time low. Catching him in lies, hearing about what he was doing without me literally made my chest hurt. My stomach would drop. My mind would run rampant. Who was he fucking, texting, seeing.

This happened over a course of 3 months. I learned a lot but more importantly I felt vulnerable. Naked. Scared. And very insecure. For the first time within our dynamic, I felt like I no longer had a power. It seemed like I was walking on egg shells. Trying to prove to him that I’m worthy enough to be liked or to keep his interest. Our relationship deteriorated ever since. I became a toxic person, this relationship was no longer stupid or fun. It had expectations, boundaries and rules.

Considering how our dynamic began this was not going to work. I didn’t know it at the time but I was putting manly expectations on a boy.

I was used to someone who made me feel secure. Even men who made me feel like they had things taken care of. I found myself anxious over someone’s drinking, spending, and paying for them. I thought to myself, he has a record, how will he ever get a stable job? Yes he makes money but professionally? How far could that even go? When I would being this up it was met with hostility. Understandably. I looked at his friends and what he does in his free time… I was never invited on dates. His excuse was our situation and the financial aspect. Would that ever change?

I didn’t get it. I looked past the material things, I fucked him on his shitty bed at his mom’s house. Maybe that’s more embarrassing for me than for him. But if I would’ve known all this would happen I don’t know if I would’ve done it.

Now our relationship was filled with anxiety, trust issues and the lowest self esteem I have had in a while. I didn’t understand why I was so self conscious. I felt ugly, overweight and constantly pressured to perform. I would say things like put him down, why? Looking back did I do this to lower his self esteem? I always hated when I would bring up everything I dealt with or settled for. That’s not on him. That’s on me. That’s my problem and I shouldn’t have brought it up like he owed me something. I think I was filled with anger. Angry that I gave so much of my energy only to be left feeling unappreciated.

I still am in a way.

But that’s not his problem to fix. And I was wrong for treating it that way. I do think he could be good enough for me. But constantly putting him down? Crazy…

I want to talk about how fucked up I was. Because it’s not mentioned enough. I heavily relied on control in the beginning. I would start arguments for fun, manipulate, lie, I even slept with someone else. After art and I, I lost that control. I became more desperate, hungry for attention, and validation. All the relationship expectations landed on him. I’m sure this was very stressful for him. And looking back I could definitely see why he pulled back so suddenly and felt like a backup option. I lacked empathy and the emotional maturity to digest that. My ego was in the way. I was so focused on how could someone leave me? After everything I was willing to settle for. Wow. Looking back it was very selfish of me. These past few months were not the best either.

I knew I needed to work on my self esteem. I kept thinking, next week I’ll start losing weight. Next I’ll do this, I felt so ugly in pictures. When we were out I would imagine that he wished I looked different or that he didn’t feel proud that he was with me. I wanted to feel that obsession and pride. I started having feelings like I was being used as a place holder. Yes, I was chalking him to do better but he wasn’t. I felt as though behind my back he was doing things as little as messaging, reacting, or flirting. Why? I thought, am I not enough? Am I not someone worth growing with? Look at how far we’ve came! Look at everything I have done for you. Is it not enough? And that anger begins to swell again.

How did I leave a relationship where I was valued. Art saw my struggles, he saw me through high and low. He saw me gain my accomplishments and I think he honors me in that sense. He has seen my personality, raw. When Arturo looks at me I see praise, he thinks I’m cool. When Diego looks at me I feel like he’s annoyed, this is a task, if I can just get through this, going with the motions. Where did the excitement go? What happened?

They say your partner is a reflection of you and I definitely see that when we first met, as time went out I began to grow and outgrow him. I am starting to think Diego liked me for selfish reasons. My cousin asked, why do you feel so connected to him? I never knew how to explain it but I felt like mentally and communication wise we were perfect. He could keep up with the pace of my thoughts, we finished each other sentences, we laughed and reacted to the same things. He was extroverted and confident. I felt like I did not have to carry a social weight. I loved that about him. This connection is very rare, I felt it with Armando when I was very young, Jose and Diego. Arturo grew on me and we learned how to communicate but with time this is why I gave up. Arturo didn’t understand me anymore. I had to over explain or even give up on topics that were important to me.

As our relationship developed. Getting to now one another was fun. But the last few months it felt stagnant. He was distracted, un-engaged, no longer curious about me. I started a new job, new stresses, family problems and I felt like I could have a horrible day and Diego wouldn’t even notice. He would be distracted or even unavailable for days. Days would pass and no true conversation or connection was held. And I craved that so deeply.

I start to wonder, is he selfish? If I am a place holder, another task he has to complete, I’m there for him and him only. I don’t think he loved me for me, I think he just loved being liked by someone. I sometimes think Diego and I would be great as friends but romantically I can’t. He enjoyed the pros but avoided the cons. I started arguments to trigger jealously. My desperate attempt to feel like I was cared for. Or start arguments for him to win or beg for my affection.

Why do I waste my time trying to dissect his mind? I don’t think I’ll know for a long time. I did realize a lot of things though. I finally typed out some things I’ve always wanted to say. Like feeling bad about putting him down, I feel like I intentionally but unintentionally did that to guilt trip him into feeling like he should reconsider. Like manipulating. I feel like I’ve twisted the narrative to my favor when I am also not perfect.

I have learned that I need to find my self esteem and worth before becoming friends or forming any relationship with him.

Accepting some of the truths over him is so hard. Like our relationship not being enough. Feeling like I am not enough. Like I am not the one for him but trying to force myself to become that person. I’m scared and I do not want to endure anymore pain. Yet I find myself falling into being nosey. Checking socials and scoping around, only to hurt myself and fill my mind with ideas.

I wish he truly knew how remorseful I am about the role I played in all of this.

I started fights over nothing, his bid for connection with me would be met with anger, criticism and ultimately rejection. He tried in his own way… and I think there were many experiences left unlived because of me. I was an unhappy girl and he could not fix me. I needed some time away to realize and appreciate him as well.

Now that the water has cleared, neither of us know what to do. On one hand we are drawn to each other but on the other we are being asked to take a leap of faith into growth.

Diego, I don’t know where you’re headed without me. But I miss you. Just like the poem I sent, I miss you in a way that honored our connection. If I could apologize to you I would. If I could be honest with you, I would. Knowing what I know now and given the chance to never meet I don’t think I would take it. You’ve made me smile and laugh so much that the love i experienced was something I hadn’t felt in so long. I will never forget this time we shared. And I am really thankful. Thinking of you in this time I am in with anyone else is so painful. And selfishly I hope that you haven’t yet. I hope that you are still in mourning and I run through your mind as often as you run through mine. I have a guilty desire of hoping this will pass but I have a dreadful feeling it won’t. I wish things can slowly fall back into place and we can find the love that was once shared and give it a fair chance to grow. I fear that that will be long from now and who will we be by then? Looking at our timeline it feels like forever but it’s only been since March 24th. And it’s May 14th. Next week will be two months. Not including the three times we’ve seen each other, once back to back. All the texts exchanged.

Today I thought, why are you posting on socials? I wonder what you posted, what you’re doing or who you’re with. Are you out of town? Are you posting food, money? I wonder. I wouldn’t dare check anything else. It would hurt too much. I started to think, what if he is missing me and able to reply because it’s true. He does miss me but at the same time being entertained by someone else. He can feel two things at once. That’s normal. It hurt so much thinking that could be the case. It reminded me of Jose. How two faced he was. But… these are just thoughts and there is no way of uncovering them unless it was through Diego. I can give them a space to be observed but nothing to hold onto.

This post had no direction but I wanted it to be a timeline of my relationship. For my own records. Crazy crazy crazy. Maybe I should spend more time focusing on myself then writing these long ass posts lol.

I will next time. Moving forward I imagine myself a healthier person, both physically and mentally. And quote I really enjoy is one that goes, “Chase butterflies and they will fly away from you. Build a garden and they will come to you”. The more you move unintentionally things will become hard, and forced. Things that are not meant for you will be there. Things you desire will stray, once you focus on your goals, your health, you, you become intentional. Everything will begin to fall into place. What is meant for you will simply become.

I also found a post made In 2020 talking about him. Crazy because I had my eyes set on him since that night. To be fair, I was looking for a distraction from what I was feeling and knowing that he was young and probably willing to have sex, I wanted to talk to him.

I remember adding him on social media when I could and seeing his off and on relationships and I kept my distance to be respectful. We talked here and there on Instagram and finally I took it to the next level and told him to text me and see what’s going onnnn… and we have been going at it for 2 1/2 year now. In August (it’s March) will three. Granted- I was in a relationship for a year of it and the other year was 3 months of little to no contact. With some off and on. It’s been fucking rough dude. Draining to say the least. With J it was more depressing above anything else and weird obsession that even I didn’t understand. With him I’m so tired, angry, exhausted, drained… like with the trying, communication, the lack of things.

I feel depressed now actually. I’m sad and I’m tired so I’m done typing for the night… maybe I’ll explain another time.

wow I haven’t been on tumblr or written anything on my pages in over a year or maybe 2-3.

I just read through this one and it’s nice reflecting back. Also kinda sad seeing as I was obviously suffering mentally lol.

I always knew time would heal all, I just didn’t know how much time was needed. I was in a dark place, obsessed with a dead relationship that ended long before it actually ended. I soothed myself with alcohol, sex, and bullshit. I was in college at the time, with little social life and academic stress. I didn’t know how to handle it all. And to be fair I still struggle with handling stress in a healthy way. Luckily I’m pretty self-aware and by that time I had my fair share of heart breaks so I knew time would heal and honestly what helped was coming back home. Getting back into a routine of work and moving on. It’s been about 4 years since all of that happened. Although it feels longer. I would like to think I matured since then and now I face new problems.

My career, wanting to become independent but happy? My long term relationship finally coming to end, a new trying to begin but struggling with that dynamic. And just self love overall. Seems like some things haven’t changed…

Self love seems to be a common theme throughout my life, even reflecting back at these posts this was a topic that was brought up more than once. And is something that effecting my current life quality/relationships.

How does one learn or have self-love? I don’t know how to reach that point at all…

I want slow kisses. I want sloppy, wet, kisses all over my neck. I want them to the slowly goo down onto my collar bones while your hands are rubbing my stomach. While we’re kissing I want us to slowly start desiring each other more and more until becomes unbearable.

Pasaron seis meses y me dijeste adiós

Looking back at my last posts, I feel so bad for myself.

Although I’m not fully over it- I am in a much better place.

Oh you... it’s done. It’s been over for so long and I was so blinded by... I don’t even know what. I was obsessed with the past and trying to relive it. I’m glad I took steps to let it go. It’s okay A.

It really really is. I say that whole heartedly.

You’re doing so much better. Everyday the thoughts become less frequent. I feel so unreactive to the idea of it all. I only feel nostalgic whenever I’m so drunk and these memories come rushing out. I literally feel like I’m reliving a moment. I feel absolutely everything. As if I was actually there. These moments make me so weak and I leave behind all the strength that took me so long to build. I pick myself up everytime.

I’m curious about the future. I feel so unreactive and calm that... I can only assume that this is where the story ends. A slow, somewhat bitter sweet end.It’s so strange how it all works out. It’s as if he- or the universe knew when it would be a good time to just end it all. Maybe the world was just waiting for me to mourn my loss, to battle my ego. And it seemed like a good place for him to restart and give me a solid push to move on and face my fate.

I used to be so sad. And I felt regret the most. I felt as if I lost an opportunity I was never going to regain. I needed to make up my losses and retrace. Regret is one of the worst feelings ever, it can literally eat you alive. I was pathetically willing to change myself and shift my personality to cater to someone else. How sad!!! I felt no self-love during these times. I felt desperate to be validated by someone who I don’t even like?

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I hope I first find true peace within myself and closure with that phase of my life. Whether that person is present or not. I find myself wishing them genuine wellness, with everything and anyone. I hope one day I hear the words and thoughts I’ve always wanted to hear. But I think In order for that, patience is key. So I will be patient.8 will trust his process, I will trust my process. I will respect both and let things play out as they should. Everything will follow.

I love you, me

when i’m with you I feel confused about how you feel. Do you know what I really want from you? to tell me if you really felt nothing for me al these years? ever since you started college and all the people you’ve been with have you really not thought about me? I know that we will never be together and like, now I say it with certainty. but everything in between, you really meant that? calling me, texting me, everthing, we are just friends? what the fuck do you think about me, like honestly. the only reason why I dont ask you and I havent since almost a year ago is because you ended things in that relam for us. and we were supposed to move forward but here we are. i’m assuming i’m just a booty call though, right? that’s all I am. I’m just a good time whenever you’re in town but i’m nothing long-term. I know, I get it. Youre not either. I just wish I recieved some type of emotion, oR SOMETHING OUT OF YOU. i WANT it so bad, but I wont. it’s cool. all good.

when i’m with you

I realize that everything is over.

when i think about you...

when I think about you, my mind wanders into nowhere. I am in an imaginary place that never existed outside of us. I go into a safe world where we’ve created our own reality. Like many other relationships, we created something unique.

when I think of you, I hear deep, slowed, lo-fi beats. The light begins to dim and neon light light up our atmosphere. everything spins in slow motion, and my senses are invigorated. I think of your lips and how slowly they separate from mine. Why do i see slow red light and hear a slowed bass guitar? You’re like a drug to me.

when I think of you I feel excited. my stomach begins to turn and I feel butterflies all over.

when I think of you I feel drunk. I feel messy and blackout without any alcohol. I feel like I need to impress you and start acting strange. I feel like i’ve drank a whole bottle whenever I’ve only drank two. It makes me want to kiss you in the sloppiest way ever because i cant get enough of you.

when i’m with you I feel alive. I feel present in the moment, not like life is passing me by anymore. I usually feel like I’m underwater. or like i’m looking through glass, i’m the observer. But

when i’m with you, I feel like i’m gasping for air. It feels like the moment you realize you didn’t drown. Or when you wake up and it was all a nightmare.

when i’m with you I feel fucking sad. I feel like I know it’s going to end and that you hate me. I feel like you’re realizing why you’re not here.

when i’m with you, I miss you before I even leave.

when I’m with you, I feel like I need to go home. Like i should’ve never been there to begin with.

when I’m with you I feel mad at who’ve you become.

i hate this so much.

I hate what I DID. i regret it so much. fuck.

lolaloca69

Welcome to my self-loathing page.

Here, I will reflect the thoughts I bury throughout the day.

With a little help from alcohol and drugs I find myself unable to repress them any longer

I allow them to roam free without judgement

Here I will admit my true desires and my longing for someone I lost

i am such a loser, please Aimee. DO NOT fall into it. DO NOT text him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, i am begging you. You’re better, be better, do better. Remember a few things:

I started going to church, the sleeping with over 60 girls, frat life, having to explain your school situation and lies, having to deal with him in general. that shit is draining, honestly you probably wont even cum if he comes over and tries to fuck you. who knows though, he is a good dirty talker.

anyway, I dont know man. I miss him. whenever I zone out to a song and think about the little universe him and I created, I get butterflies all over again. Seriously though, have you ever felt butterflies for someone (but in a good way) that shit is like a mental orgasm. thinking about me and him completely letting go, letting our walls down again, sounds like a dangerous love game. but I want to feel something again. I want to feel that deep connection all over again. I know he does too, he has too, right? i dont know for sure but I always wonder if he ever found that feeling with someone else. If we are being honest, my main issue is that I never felt it immediately with the person I am with right now, I kinda grew into it. with him... It was natural. It was chemistry. It was lust. It was love. I loved him. I miss him. I miss us. I miss us all the time. I want to be over it so bad. I am so far from where I used to be but to say im completely over it is a lie. but it sucks because it’s like we are so fucking different and so fucking disconnected it’s insane, but like the past feelings are still so... fresh? not fresh because they are no where near as their original intensity but they are hard to get rid of. he has told me before, many times to move on. to get over it. now we are in this weird limbo stage where it’s like, yeah... we are both over it and now when we see each other is is more genuine as in freinds or sex. but this time for real, like we both came to terms with reality and accept it and now we continue on, on a more platonic level. I mean I can do that, but maybe I shouldnt becuase of THIS. my mind wanders off... and then i know, or it seems like, he doesnt feel the same. unless he told me something else then things would be different but I dont think he will anytime soon. I dont know. i FEEL CRAZY, i am crazy. I hate this so fucking much. waste of time

its 2 am, the only thing that’s burning are my eyes because of this bright ass light. I was getting a good buzz but I can feel it fade away. I’m proud of myself because I stopped drinking by none other then self-control. Who knew I had it in me?

I’m a fuck up, I get it. Today was fucking rough, I faced some harsh realities es but i’m numb to the bad new nowadays.

anyway, as I lay here, wishing for this buzz to stay with me, I’m thinking about him. how fucking pathetic?i’m so glad I share this longing on my own. If not, people will really think im insane. Is this normal? does it really take this long to get over sombody, does it really require a whole year of mental torture? a mental fucking cage, I’m trying to learn what im going to make of this and im still not fucking over it. is it my ego? my lies? my deciet? I can’t admit it, life! okay? I cant. is this my torture because I cant? I dont think its time yet. im not a bad person, I just need some time. I need time to make sense of all this.

I seriously dont get it, its been almost 6 years? i guess 5. and he still hits me up. Im over it dude, I really am but what the fuck am I doing here man? like why am I still entertaining this shit c’mon.and now i find myself disappointed because he didnt come? when I really hoped he didnt in the first place so I wont be thrown into temptation? how fucking selfish. okay so, basically I encouraged him to let me know, when deep down I didnt want him too, but even deeper down I did, now im disappointed because he didnt come, but at the same I know it’s for the best. Oh god, I beg to GOD that I dont get buzzed or even drunk tomorrow and text him. I really begggg.

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