Am I predispositioned to having it the hard way? am i really my parents child? will i grow up to be exactly what they are made of?
i am once again comparing myself to the people around me, and the lives lived before me, and thinking... "what about me?"
my friends have gotten into a relationship. its so sweet and wholesome, knowing that they had been wanting it for a while. They're working through their problems together and growing together. wrapping around each other like vines.
id be lying if i said I wasn't jealous. If I wasn't saying.. "what about me?"
ive been playing a game of pouring my heart out and waiting. waiting for a message i wont receive, or a call that wont come. waiting for a man that will give me nothing in the end.
it feels all too familiar to me. i feel like a little girl, waiting for her dad to show. hoping, praying, telling myself that he'll stop by over and over, until I started to believe it.
i should know by now that its not true. i take a step back, and have to remind myself why i am not a girl that hopes.
the last time i had trusted a man like that, i had no other choice but to cut that feeling out of myself. to return to the cave that once belonged to a child version of me, and force myself to sit in there. not to let men in until i felt it was right
but I'm starting to believe it will never be right. i will never have it easy, or sweet and wholesome. i dont think i would trust it if it came to me with open arms. ive never had it easy, why would love ever be easy?
why would someone like me ever have it easy.
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