I need to get this off my chest.
Some of you may remember me as the person who played the tattoo artist and âpunk rock scientist,â London Riker. Some of you may have noticed that Iâve fallen off, and completely stopped writing these last few months.
Thereâs a reason for that.
All my life, like most of us, I have struggled with depression. Iâve played WoW since I was 9 years old (Iâm now 23), and Iâve been roleplaying since I was about 11. Most of that time, again like most of us, I used RP as an escape from the shit show that was my real life.
I canât do that anymore.
World of Warcraft, for me, was a scapegoat. I used WoW as an escape instead of actually escaping. I used roleplay relationships as a coping mechanism to put a band-aid on my very real (failing) relationships. Damn, that part hurts to admit. I used my character for attention, because she was cool, and fun, and witty, and she wasnât insecure like me.
WoW quickly became an excuse. An excuse for why I couldnât go out with friends. An excuse for why I didnât need to cope. âAt least Iâm not on drugs,â Iâd tell myself. âAt least Iâm not an addict.â But I was wrong. I was addicted. I was addicted to the feeling of a make-believe world, with made up problems, where I didnât have to be myself, and nothing there could hurt me.
I know that not everyone who plays has a problem. Thatâs not what Iâm trying to say. But for me, WoW - and by the same thread, RP - was destructive. I feel sober now, for the first time in a long time. I feel like I cut something toxic out of my life, and Iâm actually proud of myself.
It certainly wasnât easy. In order to give up my muses, I had to step back and face my real-life issues. I broke up with an ex who did not treat me very well. I met someone in real life, not on WoW, for the first time, and started a new relationship. I focused more on work and got a promotion. And most importantly, I was forced to work on myself, and on my own toxic traits.
I feel guilty. I am sad, and broken hearted, and forlorn, all at once. Why? Because in leaving RP, I inadvertently damaged my friendship with some of the best friends I have ever had. I started ghosting. I stopped replying to posts, and soon enough, discord texts all together. This wasnât because of the people themselves, but because they were associated with what I needed to get rid of: my escape. My scapegoat.
This is a public apology to @marxsus-emerick, and to all the other wonderful friends and writers I met while I was playing London. This is an apology to all the people I said Iâd write with, and never got around to it. The truth is, I was afraid to dive in deeper. I was afraid to play the game, because my real life was in shambles, and I knew that if I played, I would try to compensate and replace my life with Londonâs.
Hereâs the good news: Iâm doing better now. My depression isnât so deep and dark anymore. Iâm in a really happy relationship and being treated well. I have a good social life, Iâm working hard, and Iâm considering going back to school. These are all things that never would have happened had I just dove back into the game when I was at rock bottom.
Maybe someday Iâll try to write again. Iâm grateful for the people Iâve met, and the places Iâve gone, all because my dad got me hooked on WoW, and because my creative soul was drawn to RP. I still have an immense love for this craft and its community. As of right now - at least publicly - London and all of my other muses are officially retired. I might still try to pick up some stories I want to save in private.
Thank you all for the care and support youâve shown me. I canât believe this account has so many followers, and that my character was received so well. I canât say thank you enough for the joy this platform brought me when I needed it the most. Iâm sorry that I left you all without answers.
Iâm sorry I didnât say this sooner.
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