Welcome to the ever-growing list of works I'm creating!
Please remember everything is 18+ MDNI !!! Everything will contain SMUT, so be advised and read all warnings!! Also, be sure to follow and turn on notifications for fic updates with @lonely-ey3s-updates !!
You can also:
Find and follow me on AO3
Subscribe to a membership or request a commission if you'd like on my Ko-Fi ✨
***COMPLETE***
pairing: joel miller (no outbreak) x f!reader
summary: To escape your abusive ex-boyfriend, you enlist in the Army and eventually deploy as a medic. What begins as a pen-pal program you join at your bunkmate’s urging. leads you to Joel Miller, a single father in Texas. Through months of letters, the two of you become each other’s source of comfort and strength, and before long, simple sign-offs like “warm regards” grow into “with all my love.”
Masterlist
***COMPLETE***
pairing: reed richards (no sue) x f!reader
series summary: After taking two of Reed’s classes at the university, you enroll in his physics course and learn that the school is pressuring him to take on a student aide. To your surprise, he chooses you for the position.
Masterlist
***COMPLETE***
pairing: joelmiller!rodeocowboy (no outbreak) x f!reader
series summary: While visiting your family back home, you attend the county fair to watch your younger brother compete in the annual rodeo. What you don’t expect is to catch the attention of Joel Miller, a rugged bull rider determined to win your attention.
Masterlist
***COMPLETE***
pairing: harry castillo(the materialists) x f!reader
series summary: After a long day, you meet Harry for a sushi date, but the lingering tension from your last night together hangs between you. When he invites you back to his place to keep the evening going, you find yourself unable to say no.
Part One | Part Two
***COMPLETE***
pairing: harry castillo (materialists) x f!reader
series summary: After meeting Harry Castillo at your sister’s wedding, he changes the way you see love—showing you not only what it means to be in love, but what it feels like to be truly loved in return.
Masterlist
***COMPLETE***
A one-shot, each day, for the month of October 2025! Some will lead to stories in the future, or some might just be little ideas I've had brewing in my drafts!
main pedrotober masterlist
***ONGOING***
pairing: jackson!joel miller (tlou) x f!reader
this was the winner of the poll with the troupe of: Enemies to lovers, but only one of them thinks they're enemies. The other has been entirely obsessed since the beginning and has the hardest way of showing it.
series summary: He lost his daughter. You lost your family. Survival hardened you both, but in Jackson, you’re asked to be more than survivors. You and Joel clash at every turn—until the possibility of losing each other forces feelings neither of you can ignore into the open.
MAIN MASTERLIST
***ONGOING***
pairing: younger!harry castillo (materialists) x f!reader
series summary: Harry Castillo has spent years building a life in the city, where everything comes at a cost. When his mother’s memory begins to fade, he returns home and hides the truth about who he is, longing for something real. At a familiar diner, he meets you—a resilient single mother raising a son with quiet strength—and finds himself drawn to the life he never knew he wanted. What starts as quiet companionship over cheeseburgers and milkshakes turns into something deeper—Harry faces a choice: reveal the truth and risk losing the only person who sees him for who he truly is—or keep hiding behind the simplicity of being “just Harry.”
MAIN MASTERLIST
***ONGOING***
pairing: harry castillo (materialists) x f!reader
series summary: After being left at the altar, you decide to take your would-be honeymoon alone—an escape to Scotland for Christmas and a much-needed reset. But when a snowstorm and a booking error leave you sharing a suite with Harry Castillo—a wealthy, handsome businessman also seeking solitude after a recent break-up—your quiet getaway turns into something unexpected. Between crackling fires, shared meals, the Christmas spirit, and soft laughter, two strangers learn that sometimes love finds you when everything else falls apart.
MAIN MASTERLIST
***COMING SOON***
pairing: jackson!joel miller (tlou) x f!reader
series summary: It starts with a basket delivery to Seth and a familiar voice that Joel thought he’d never hear again. Years after the world ended, the two of you find each other in Jackson—older, changed, but still tethered by the ghost of what almost was back in Texas.
After all this time, it feels like nothing's changed—including your feelings for each other.
MAIN MASTERLIST
***COMING SOON***
pairing: jackson!joelmiller x f!reader
series summary: You were supposed to be just patrol partners. No one knows about the late-night visits, the quiet breakfasts, or the way he looks at you like you're the last good thing left in this world.
MAIN MASTERLIST
ONE SHOTS
joel miller!knight x f!reader (princess)
joel miller!neighbor x f!reader (snow shoveling neighbor fluff)
Be Mine (Valentine's Day) joelmiller x f!reader
Second Chances jackson!joel x f!reader (PPCU writing challange)
Between the Beats (Valentine's Day) early jackon!joel miller x f!reader
here's a rough draft sneak peek of chpt 8 of the way you see me
You don’t remember half the drive it took to get from the diner to Harry’s. You know that most of it was spent speeding and barely getting through the intersections before the light turned red.
You were a complete whirlwind of emotions. A storm that was just getting angrier by the minute.
A storm that Harry had no idea was coming.
You untied your apron and violently threw it in the backseat before grabbing the letter that you had sitting in the center console. You slammed your car door shut—harder than you meant to, if you were being honest—but your blood was boiling the more you those customer service reps words echoed in your head:
“Oh, would you look at that! I see that a lump sum payment was made by an H. Cast—wait, I’m so sorry. It says the payee wished to remain anonymous.”
You huffed and puffed as you stormed up the driveway, muttering under your breath, “Anonymous? Why would he want to be anonymous, unless he knew what he was doing was wrong?”
You didn’t waste a moment to take deep breathes or talk sense into yourself before you roughly pressed the doorbell. You took a small step back—fully preparing to have the first word as soon as that door opened.
What you didn't expect was for Harry to open his front door, holding his phone to his ear.
You noticed his tie was slightly loosened and his sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows. Those words you had cocked and ready to shoot at him, instantly halting on the tip of your tongue.
However, for him, it wasn't more than a mere moment before a smile instantly warmed his features—especially realizing it was you. The stress of the day he’d been having, instantly melted away.
"Look, Russell, if you give me an hour, I can have that contract sent to your assistant..." He said to the man on the other end before opening the door wider, moving aside to let you in—not realizing the energy you had seeping off of you as you stood there on his doorstep.
You took a deep breath as you stepped inside, trying to calm yourself.
"...and then you can just tell Eugene that the terms need to be amended by legal. He'll understand the delay with how anal he is." He continued as he shut the door behind you.
Your mind raced with a million different ways of what to say to him, how this might go, what this meant for you two if he did what you think he did.
You were so lost in your thoughts that he slightly startled you when he gently touched the small of your back, leaning in to kiss your cheek.
"Meet me in the kitchen. I'll just be a minute." He whispered to you, moving the phone away for a moment—completely oblivious and distracted by the man on the other end of the phone. He didn't notice how tightly you were gripping the strap of your bag, enough to make your knuckles white.
He certainly didn't notice the letter clenched in your other hand. Because if he did, he would have told Russell he had a bad connection or some bullshit excuse before he hung up and asked what was going on.
For once, he didn't notice anything due to the belief that nothing could go wrong when he had you in his life.
He pecked your cheek once more, his thumb rubbing a few gentle arches onto your back—not waiting for you to nod or say anything more before he walked back down the hall to his office, chuckling at what the gentleman on the other line said.
You stood there, unable to move. You felt like you might crack if you took off your shoes or jacket. You would let it go in the name of not wanting this comfort to end.
But you couldn't ignore this.
You refused to feel like you were yet again some project to fix, or that you and Jace were some charity case.
You didn't know how long it had been since he disappeared into his office, but when he came back out, smiling and humming to himself—he stopped dead in his tracks to see you unmoved.
"Baby? Is everything ok?" Harry asked, his smile slowly disappearing and brows furrowing.
if you want more context or details regarding any of the letters below, send me an ask! my requests are open specifically for this alone💛
content warning: explicit content (18+ mdni), more under the cut.
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
he’s gentle and careful. he’s up before you are, urging you to stay on the bed as he goes and retrieves a warm and wet towel to clean you up
and when he cleans the mess he made, harry focuses on the task at hand—completely enamored with how you look lying naked on his bed.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
harry likes his eyes, always did. he knows how to use them too. soft and puppy like when he wanted you to forgive him for forgetting to pick up dinner, and stern and serious when he needed to speak with investors.
his favorite body part of his partner’s would be your ass. especially in a pair boy shorts (paired with a thin tank top), walking around the penthouse like it didn’t distract him.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
one of his favorite things is watching his come trickle out of you. it stills him—his white spend pulsing out of you and dripping down your inner thighs.
oftentimes, he’d gather his release on the tip of his length to push it back inside of you. something possessive takes over him whenever he sees his cum leak out of you.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
he’d never admit it but he caught you one afternoon in his bed, watching porn with your hand between his legs. he stayed hidden behind the door, just watching and listening to the sounds of your pleasure as you got yourself off.
he knew you’d be embarrassed if he ever told you, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t hoping for that same scenario every time he came home early.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
absolutely. there’s no doubt about it. ever since his leg lengthening surgery, harry had plenty of experience with a lot of women who finally started noticing him.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
it’s a cliche, but harry’s favorite position with you is missionary.
he loves feeling your legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer. but the best thing about missionary is the fact that he could stare into your eyes, watch your face contort into pleasure. it’s intimate. and it’s real.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
harry is 100% serious in the moment. it’s not that he can’t be goofy, but whenever you’re around, he can’t help himself. it’s like something else takes over him.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
he does his best to groom himself. harry has always been an organized and neat person, so that extends to his grooming.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
eye contact. low groans. muttering how much you mean to him and how good you feel. he tries to get as close to you as possible, lips brushing your own, feeling your breath on his lips. he’s always been a hopeless romantic anyway.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
he masturbates quite regularly. especially when you’re away for a trip or a work event and you have to work late.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
harry has a breeding kink. when you told him that he cum inside you the first time, it was like a whole other world opened up for him. he started imagining you pregnant—how beautiful you’d look. he also loves knowing that you’re walking around filled with his cum too.
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
if he was being honest, he didn’t necessarily have a favorite place… so long as it’s with you. but if he had to choose, he’d say the shower. he loves watching the water cascade down your body… and he loves it when he presses you up against the glass too.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
you. you. you. it’s easy to get him turned on whenever you’re around. it’s the small things you do too—how you bite your lower lip when you’re thinking, when you’re asleep on your side, one leg straightened out and the other bent forward to reveal your legs and ass, and even when you’re sitting on the sofa with a book in your hands and your hair pulled into a messy bun. as long as it’s you, he’s already turned on.
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
he won’t call you derogatory names—even if it’s part of role play. it just doesn’t sit right with him when all he sees you as is perfect.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
oh, harry loves giving and he loves receiving too. not only does it feel good to have your lips around him, but the fact that you are more than eager to just swallow him whole gets him going.
giving, on the other hand, he loves it when you sit on his face. loves the way you taste, the way you move your body against his mouth.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
both. he likes it both ways, and he knows you like it too. there’s just something in the way of you feel around him that makes him want to go slow, but the fast at the same time.
he loves feeling your walls slide along his length, gripping him with each thrust. when he’s rough and on top, he enjoys watching your breasts bounce… but when he’s behind, he loves watching your ass shake against him.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
harry doesn’t typically like quickies… only because it’s just not enough time for him to do everything he wants to.
but he won’t say no to it either… especially if you’re pressed for time but want him badly. who is he to deny you of your needs?
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
yes, 100%. harry loves tasking risks with you. in fact, it excites him at how he’s so willing to try new things. only if it’s with you. always with you.
there was one thing that he’s never done before that he did with you that he’s now obsessed with: bondage. specifically, tying you up.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
harry’s pushing fifty, so it’s not like he can go round after round. but he does have stamina to make that one round last for what seems like hours.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
harry bought a toy because you asked. at first, he was offended, he wasn’t sure why you needed one when you had him.
but now, the vibrator has become a part of your sex life. he likes using it on you as he thrusts into you, watching you come undone so quickly.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
oh he loves teasing you. harry enjoys pushing you so close to the edge until you’re an absolute mess, begging for him to just fuck you.
luckily for you, whatever his girl wants, his girl gets.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
he’s not overly loud, but harry is vocal during sex. he growls and groans, loud enough for you to hear. he’ll curse under his breath you when your mouth is wrapped around him and he moans when he slides into your heat.
he never holds back when he’s with you. especially when you’ve told him before that you like the sounds he makes.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
harry likes being the little spoon sometimes. especially when he’s had a stressful day at work. you’d just hold him and the weight and warmth of your body against his always manages to ease any stress and concern that he feels.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
harry isn’t considered chiseled. he’s muscular and broad in his own way, but he also has some weight around his midsection, which doesn’t usually bother him. not when you look at him the way you do.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
oh it’s high. harry has a super high sex drive where you’re concerned. he yearns for you whenever you’re apart and he yearns for you whenever you’re just sitting right next to him.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
harry doesn’t fall asleep that fast. not because he isn’t tired, but because he likes to take a longer look at you before he does.
he loves how peaceful you look, how your lips naturally part to let each breath out, and how your chest rises with each soft breath. it’s in those small and brief moments that he realizes just how lucky he is that you continue to choose him.
I’d love a snippet of all of your WIPS but again and again with Pero sounds intriguing! There’s a serious lack of Pero fics!
anon !! yes, i agree, there is a serious lack of pero tovar fics out there!
again and again is something i dabbled with in one of my pedrotober days. however, after recently re-reading it, i would change up a few things and possibly add a slightly different beginning, but either way - it's a WIP i'm excited about.
here's a link to what's already been posted to get an idea of the story, and then here's a rough draft sneak peek of a later part in the chapter:
rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it!
(ty for tagging me @pedroscurls 🖤)
sweet symphony chpt 8 (jackson!joel x f!reader)
the way you see me chpt 8 (younger!harry castillo (materialists) x f!reader)
falling inn love chpt 10 (harry castillo x f!reader)
again and again (pero tovar x f!reader)
after the end, there was you (jackson!joel x f!reader)
after all this time (jackson!joel x f!reader)
across the ages (au young!marcus acacius x f!reader)
NPT (and anyone else who wants to join!): @mountainsandmayhem @mermaidgirl30 @stylesispunk @simpingforjoel @poorsoulofmine @reedispunk @gothcsz @alltheirdamn
pairing: jacksonjoel! x f!reader
word count: 5.7k
warnings: established relationship, angst, mentions of an injury, betrayal-ish, mentions of depression themes, intoxication (reader is at one point a little tipsy), arguing, without giving spoilers away: SMUT (18+ MDNI).
a/n: this is part of @pedroscurls's PPCU challenge. i'm a couple of days late in posting, but I still wanted to participate as it got me out of a writing funk.
my one line of dialogue is "You don't give a shit about me."
i am glad to have been able to write something for this challenge, as it's been so damn hard for me lately. so thank you jamie, for helping me get somewhat back on the horse! i'm hoping this is the start of getting back into the swing of things.
please check out the other stories that were written for this challenge - i'm sure they are all so amazing - i'm still working my way through them 🖤 anyways, as always, enjoy!! xx
Joel stirred awake at the sound of the front door creaking open.
It only took his brain a moment before an immediate wave of relief washed over him—especially hearing it click shut. That simple sound brought him nothing but relief after the evening you two had just had hours earlier.
Earlier that day - 6:21 PM
Joel sighed as he sat down on the bench near the front door to begin taking off his boots, watching you hang up your jacket a few feet from him. “I'm sorry, I just... I don’t understand why you’re so upset…”
Yeah, that’s not the right thing to say to someone who had been a swirling storm ever since you'd left Maria’s office. Meaning, the walk home had been completely silent. You gave him the cold shoulder, walked two paces in front of him—steam rolling off you in a fiery fit of anger.
“So upset?” You echoed, scoffing as you let your foot go—your disbelief for such a diabolical question completely stopping the motion of taking your boots off. “Why wouldn’t I be upset? You stood there and told everyone I wasn’t ready to go back out—”
“Because you aren’t!” He looked up at you from where he sat, voice laced with a painful type of honesty.
You stood there for a moment, silent, shocked by his bluntness.
Joel sighed as he set his boot down beside his leg before continuing, softening his voice a touch. “Baby, you… You can’t act like you aren’t wakin’ up every mornin’ in pain. That going back out would smart with how bad your knee has been treatin' you..”
You swallowed the sour words you had cocked and loaded to spit back if he’d said anything else, but this? He was right about this. And god damnit, he knew you knew he was right.
You hated how you couldn’t lie to yourself. Not when you did wake up every damn morning stiff and aching. You hated it—getting older, but also you couldn’t deny that your knee hadn’t been the same since the accident less than a season ago. No matter how hard you tried to push yourself or ignore it—you couldn’t pretend it was ever going to be like it was. You were forever going to be feeling the ramifications of that day.
But on a more important note—you couldn’t stand to wake up and live another day in this.
You needed to get back to the swing of things. You needed some sense of normalcy; you needed to get back to your routine.
And somehow you thought Joel of all people would understand that. But now? Now you felt that maybe he didn't know you at all.
God, you hated that.
You shook your head and looked down at the ground, trying to keep yourself from boiling over again. “You don’t get to make those decisions for me.”
When he didn't answer, you looked up just as he shook his head and slightly rolled his eyes—getting ready to cut in. Big mistake.
“No, you don't get to roll your eyes. You don't get to do that… God, you don’t get to stand there like you speak for me and—”
“And what? Tell the truth?” He scoffed as he stood, cutting you off again—shedding his jacket from his shoulders, moving past to hang it up on the coat rack. “You were there... You heard them ask me what I thought and I—”
You turned your body to follow him, your voice starting to rise like the fire in your chest as you interrupted now, “You told them that I’d be a fucking liability, Joel!”
You rarely ever called him by his name in moments like this—but he wasn't stupid. He knew when you did, it was more serious than he was treating it. And especially now, with the way you were looking at him? He knew you were more than just hurt.
“No, I…I didn’t say that—” He started to try and reason, taking a step toward you, reaching out for your hand or to try and ease you.
But you stepped back.
You stepped back and kept your hand away, putting it behind you, your voice having a fraction of restraint, “No... no, you don’t get to do... that.”
“Do what?” He asked, trying not to show how much that singular motion wounded him.
“You can’t do that." You took a shaky breath and shook your head as you looked down at your half-unlaced boot. “You can't act like you did nothing wrong, Joel.”
“But I didn’t—I just…” He sighed, feeling like no matter what he said, you weren’t in the place to hear him, you were too upset. “What did you want me to say? What would you have me do? Lie?…”
“I just... I just feel it wasn’t your place to say anything…”
He furrowed his brow, confused by the things you were saying. “Wasn’t my place?”
You hesitated, but then you went to shake your head only for your body to betray you into a shrug, like you were unsure. Your heart's silent way of telling you deep down it was his place—just like it was yours with him.
“I don't understand." He scoffed—now his anger was starting to simmer at how cold you were being. "Then tell me, what is my place?”
The way he firmly planted himself made you clench your jaw in frustration at his stubbornness. He wasn't going to let this go.
“I’m not doing this… You know what I meant.” You muttered as you knelt to lace your boot. You needed to cool off, and he wasn't going to let you do that here. Not now that things were misinterpreted and tempers were sure to boil over.
Joel looked down at you and shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, “Apparently, I don’t. Apparently, you and I are on two different pages of what is and isn’t our place. So enlighten me, please. What is my place?”
The more he kept pushing, the more he kept pressing on a button that was going to make you react in a way you hadn't around him yet.
“Joel, stop.” You warned, your hands starting to shake in anger or frustration... but it was only making it worse as you had to retie the lace again.
“No, tell me.” He pressed again, his tone losing that softness it started with.
Your head was swimming with nothing but anger. Enough that you knew if you fed into this, you’d say things out of that ugly place it always took you to. Things you’d regret.
“I’m not doing this right now. I can’t…” You muttered as you pulled the laces in a sloppy, half-assed bow out of frustration and rose to your feet, moving past him to grab your jacket you’d just hung up. “I... I can’t do this with you.”
“Can’t do this? What? You can’t talk things through?” He followed you, his heart now pounding in his ears—his anger taking over faster than he could control. “Look, I know we’re new to this… this…” He scoffed a small cold chuckle before continuing, “...God, whatever this is.”
You pulled your jacket on and kept your gaze down, biting the side of your cheek to keep yourself silent.
But silence didn’t bring him comfort. But would it to anyone else? With all the things you were saying? All the things you weren't?
For Joel, it just fed into his insecurities about not being good enough—not being enough to fight for. It cracked the very fragile part of himself that he had only opened for you.
He watched you for a moment, watched you struggle to line up the zipper to your jacket. Something in him didn't understand that you weren’t stepping away—you were stepping back.
You needed to pause.
You needed to find your head and pull it out of your ass.
But he just saw someone leaving—someone hurting him.
So he did what every insecure man does when they feel small…
He kept fucking talking until he would regret it.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and painfully chuckled. “Right, because I guess the only place you see me being is the one between your—”
But then he stopped the moment his brain caught up with his ass was about to say.
Something that wouldn’t be easy to take back.
You finally lined up the zipper and pulled it up in a sharp and quick motion, your eyes finding his—filled with hurt at the words he left lingering on the tip of his tongue.
“What? Between my legs?...” You paused for a moment and looked at him—really looked at him before finishing off with, “You really think that’s all we are?...” Not able to help the way your voice broke on that last word—your eyes suddenly started to burn as they filled with tears.
His face fell in that sad puppy sort of way that only he could achieve, especially in moments like these—in moments where he knew he massively fucked up.
“N-No, fuck, I didn’t mean that… I–” He took a step toward you, instinct making him reach out for you.
You felt a heat crawl up your neck, and tears suddenly started to cloud your vision. But before he could see any of that, you brushed past him and headed for the front door.
“Fuck… I was so stupid." You mumbled, wiping a tear that fell down your cheek.
Your voice broke as you felt yourself start to spiral. "You... You don’t give a shit about me if that’s what you think that is all we are...”
"No, whoa, hey... no." He started to scramble, not knowing what to say, what to do. How to fix this. "Sweetheart, you know that you mean more to me than anythin' in this world."
You didn't need to hear this. You weren't going to believe it, no matter how sad or desperate he sounded.
You needed air. You needed to get out of this damn hallway. You needed a fucking drink.
You reached for the doorknob and twisted it. “I need to go. I... I need to leave.” You said a bit louder, your voice still unsteady.
“No, No… baby—fuck, you know I didn’t mean that.” Joel quickly followed after you, putting his hand on the door from behind you—in an attempt to keep it shut just as you were about to pull it open. “Baby, I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t mean that. Please. Please don’t leave.”
You stayed facing the door, your hand clenched around the handle, voice small and eerily even. “Joel... let me go.”
Joel stayed there for a second, contemplating his options before he slowly let his hand off the door with a soft, defeated sigh.
His voice softened to a gentle plea as he stayed where he was, standing behind you, “Please don’t go. Please—”
You could feel the warmth radiating off of him as he stood behind you. You could smell the comforting scent of his citrus and pine soap with each inhale.
The urge every atom in your being was fighting against? Not to take a single step back? It was painful.
Because in any other scenario, you would fold. You would take that step back and lean into him. You’d surrender in the name of your love for him and let all this anger go.
You’d let him wrap you in his arms and hold you close. You’d melt against him, and he'd lean over your shoulder and kiss your neck—in that soft, sweet way he'd begin to apologize.
You’d stop being so damn stubborn and let the man love you in the way you never felt you deserved—even though he insisted every day he’d never stop trying to show you how much you do.
But this time, it felt different. This wasn’t any other fight you two had come across in the past.
This struck something deep that you didn’t know how to navigate. It was something you hadn't ever felt.
It was something that only came from the world ending and finding yourself with someone. It was unfamiliar territory, and that was terrifying.
However, the longer you stood there, the more Joel could feel you fighting back every instinct. He could feel the energy pulsing off of you.
So he did what he always did: he moved in to offer comfort.
He moved a few inches closer, closing the space even more so that you would be able to feel his breath against your neck as he continued to softly plead, “All I meant… all I was tryin’ to do was protect you by what I said with Maria. I need..." He sighed softly, his hand hovering the side of your hip. "I need you safe…”
Your eyelids betrayed you as they slowly closed—only for a few seconds—but it was enough that you felt yourself lean back and touch his chest before you snapped forward and shook your head, shaking yourself out of his spell. “Joel, please…”
You opened the door to leave when his voice came one last time from behind you, completely broken. “You know that I’d never hurt you. You know how much I need you... how much I love you…”
You held onto the doorknob—your knuckles now turning white as you allowed a few tears to run down your cheeks before you nodded and swallowed the lump sitting high in the back of your throat.
“Of course I do.”
Then you looked back at him, and there he saw it: the utter heartbreak you’d been hiding under all that anger since leaving Maria’s office.
“But that makes what you did hurt even worse…” You choked out before turning around and walking out—softly shutting the door behind you.
Joel stood there and just stared at the door. He didn't move from that spot for an hour before he moved to sit at the bench—where he sat for a few more hours.
Waiting for you.
Waiting to make things right. To be there when you get back.
If you came back.
He’d just drifted to sleep when he heard the front door creak open. He didn’t waste a moment before he moved to sit up in bed—his racing.
He turned the nightstand’s lamp on and saw the time on the clock next to it:
12:11 AM
He realized he'd been asleep for no more than 20 minutes, and that in some way felt like he’d betrayed you. By not being down there when you came home.
“Baby?” He called from the bed before rushing to his feet and slowly stepping towards the door—slightly hesitating in case he'd dreamt the sound.
He heard you stumble and crash into what he could only assume was the coat rack before you called out, “Jesus, you’re still awake?” Your voice filled with a small level of disbelief, like you didn't expect him to wait up.
He rushed out of the bedroom and stopped at the top of the stairs to see you at the bottom, already looking up for him.
You looked lighter than before—not so angry or upset. Needless to say, however much relief that brought him, he couldn’t assume and risk a repeat of earlier.
“Well... yeah, I...” He said softly as he stepped down a few steps before sitting on the top stair, keeping his voice gentle. “I wanted to be awake when you got home. You know, in case you wanted to talk or—”
“Mm, I was angry... and real fuckin' stupid earlier...” You hiccupped as you cut him off, holding tightly onto the railing, keeping yourself steady as it was clear now that you were a bit tipsy.
“Whoa, hey... no… I said some really—” Joel tried to start, only for you to cut him off again.
You hiccupped louder, and you waved your hand out in front of you to stop him, “Mm, stop talking and let me get this out, m'kay?”
Joel couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his lips before he exhaled in mock defeat and nodded towards you, “Okay…”
You took a deep breath and stumbled up a few steps, slightly tripping on the third one, but caught yourself and looked up at him again. “I... I was angry for several reasons...” You sighed and shrugged as you saw him soften somehow even more as he waited for you to carry on. “I felt angry for feeling overwhelmed at the way I literally can’t do the one thing I’ve been doing since I got to Jackson.”
You looked away for a moment, trying to find the words—before looking down.
“For… For feeling like a burden to you and Ellie while I've been recovering.” Your voice changed, like there was shame woven into it.
You heard him inhale, like he was going to speak up, so you quickly continued, needing to get it all on the table.
“I felt—no, I feel like I’m losing my sense of routine. I just—I was or am… feeling a lot.” You looked up at him to only see him give you the softest nod—like he was giving you the small nudge to keep going.
You swallowed and took another step up towards him—this one more solid—opening up more. “But… what I was mostly upset about is… because I tried lying to myself and everyone else today. But you?” You helplessly chuckled as you pinched the bridge of your nose, slightly annoyed that you didn’t understand this before.
“You held me accountable."
Joel hummed in agreement before he tilted his head slightly, watching you—like he was reading all the unspoken things you were holding back.
“Tell me more…” He plead.
Your cheeks warmed at the soft patience of his voice before putting your hand back on the rail, thinking of how to put what you wanted to say into words, before looking up at him.
But then you realized who was looking down at you with those soft brown eyes, and suddenly, the need for perfect words and for it all to make sense left.
"I uhm, I talked to Gail... at the bar tonight, and she said a lot of things that just… fuck—they obnoxiously made sense..." You started to chuckle.
Joel grinned as he leaned in to listen.
"She said that I uhm..." You sighed as you shut your eyes tightly, trying to remember Gail's exact words. “That I didn't communicate my feelings and anxieties before going to Maria's… and so, when it didn’t go my way—she said that ‘I put an unfair amount of blame on you’..."
You slowly opened your eyes and shrugged as you looked down at the step in front of you. Focusing on the small line of finish that had worn off the wood. "I guess… what I need to come to terms with is, I'm a bit rusty and should probably retire from patrol with how bad my knee is..."
Joel simply hummed again, not in agreement or anything—just to let you know he’d been listening.
But this time, when you looked up at him, the weight of everything that had been said and happened earlier caught in the back of your throat. Your lip quivered before you whispered, “And I’m sorry. I—I’m so sorry for leaving. I know that—” The shakiness in your voice instantly made Joel move to come racing down the stairs toward you.
“Hey, hey no… c’mere—” He whispered tenderly before collapsing back down on the stairs in front of you, reaching to put his hands on your cheeks.
“Can I say somethin’ now?” He asked as his thumb brushed a tear away.
You let out a sad chuckle and nodded, stepping closer to lean into his warm hold.
His eyes danced across your face as he studied you for a few seconds before softly tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear.
“You mean more to me than I will ever be able to… say or show you.” His thumb wiped another of your tears away. “But if tonight taught me anything? It showed me a real ugly taste of what my life would be without you.”
You leaned into his hand and couldn’t help but smile, “That bad, huh?”
“Mm, horribly miserable darlin’…” Joel murmured as his lips matched your smile and his thumb began gently stroking back and forth over your cheek. “I never want to go up to that cold bed alone, mm?”
Your cheeks warmed a soft blush, and you closed your eyes as you hummed in agreement, “Can’t say I wanted my evening to be spent nursing a bottle of vodka… getting therapized by Gail of all people…”
That made Joel chuckle—but the noise only came through his nostrils and through his chest.
The sound was so small and simple… but it was that familiar vibration that always warmed your soul.
It was the warmth that welcomed you every morning when he kissed you awake. The sound that he couldn’t help but let out when he pulled you close and begged for five more minutes with you—which always made you smile and giggle—as you’d never dare deny yourself of that level of absolute bliss, especially with him.
But tonight, it was the trigger that you needed. It was the spark needed to feel that same wave of relief that washed over Joel after hearing the door click—this was your wave.
You opened your eyes to find him already soaking you in, in a way only poets could describe. In a way that no matter how deep you looked, you couldn’t find a single ounce of anger or betrayal that was there before.
Nothing ill harbored towards you.
Instead, there was nothing but love and respect and compassion and absolute commitment.
But then again, Joel could never hold anything against you after a fight for long. If there was one weakness that man had, it was his devotion to you.
He was utterly and helplessly in love with you and could never stay upset for too long—even when you were the one who massively fucked up.
Instead, he forgave you—every single time.
He moved on.
He gave you a second chance more times than you felt you deserved.
He was the one good and fair thing this world had given you after taking so much away. And you were the same to him.
You were his second chance at being happy—being truly, stupidly, blindly, and endlessly happy.
“Well, in that case, how about we finish out the night… the right way…and head upstairs?” He murmured as he pulled down to his lips—adding before his lips touched yours, "Let me make it up to you..."
You leaned into him as you kissed him slowly the first time, lingering on his lips long enough to taste the peppermint from his toothpaste. You then moved your hand off the railing to land on his chest before gripping the soft fabric of his t-shirt and kissing him again, deeper this time.
He inhaled at what that did to him and moved one of his hands through your hair to cradle the back of your neck—while the other moved down to your waist to pull you up to straddle his lap, muttering, “Mm, c’mere…”
You blindly stumbled up the few stairs needed to meet him, giggling against his lips before straddling his lap and kissing him deeper. Your free arm easily wrapped around his shoulder—bringing yourself close enough that your chest pressed against his.
His hand stayed cradled at your neck as his lips moved against yours in a slow and deep passionate fit of kisses. Your hand slowly moved to thread through the soft curls at the back of his neck, softly panting between each pass.
Eventually, you slid your tongue gradually more and more between his lips—a silent plea for more—until his began dancing with yours.
Joel groaned before his hands moved down to grip your ass, moving your hips to grind against the thin fabric of his pajama pants—sending a clear message he also wanted more.
You moaned quietly at the growing bulge grinding slowly against the seam of your jeans. You pulled back only for his lips to move to your jawline, then your neck, sucking soft marks into your skin.
“Joel…” You breathed, eyes fluttering shut as your fingers curled around his hair, holding him right where you wanted him.
There. That was the version of his name he loved to hear roll off your tongue.
He groaned, the rumble coming up from deep in his chest—bouncing off the soft skin he had between his lips as he began making his mark.
His hands stayed on your ass, grinding you back and forth against his lap until you eventually began doing it yourself.
Your breathing became heavier before small whimpers bubbled their way out—making him smirk against your skin. “Mm, I love when you make those sounds.” He muttered before slowly gliding his lips across your skin, back up to yours, before kissing you passionately.
You kissed him back, continuing your rhythm against his growing erection that was now stimulating something for you with each pass it rubbed against your clit. You could feel his hands move up your body and then underneath your shirt to eventually tug your bra down before he cupped your tit—making your breath hitch in between a kiss.
You kissed him harder, a touch sloppier, as you both were too hot and hungry for each other. So when you pulled back, he chased after you—his eyes lidded and grinning wide.
"Where do you think you're going?" He murmured leaning in for you, palming your breast with one hand and gripping your waist with the other.
You moaned again, your breath hot against his lips before you kissed him once more—this time slowly pulling back and leaning your forehead against his.
"Ellie... she's down the hall..." You whispered as you combed your fingers through his curls, your hips slowing down their rhythm.
"Mhm, and she's one of the heaviest sleepers we know..." He grinned as his thumb teased your nipple, making you gasp, and your hips roll once more against him.
"Come on... think about it..." He almost sounded like he was begging.
Your cheeks flushed red at how hot that made you feel. How wet you could feel yourself getting, imagining the thrill of it all—the thought of what could be done on these stairs.
But then you realized two pretty important points:
You were still somewhat drunk. Additionally to that point, you were in no way, shape, or form going to have the coordination to fuck him on these stairs.
You both were not as young as you'd like to believe. Because if you were to put it back in your pants for a second? You'd both agree that the outcome would most likely end in one or the both of you getting hurt, rather than having any fun.
Joel took your silence as a way to further his cause—so he leaned in and kissed your chin, then jawline, humming along with each kiss.
"You could ride me, right here... give me a show with those pretty little tits of yours." He purred before lightly pinching the bud of your nipple.
Your grip tightened on his shoulder—the instant sensation shooting a heat down to your core. You bit your lip to hold in a moan that would be loud enough to stir the house.
"Or I could bend you over... get you on your hands and knees..." Another small pinch and kiss to the soft spot just under your jawline. "Watch that perfect pussy of yours take me so well from behind..."
Your eyes fluttered shut, and you swallowed down another moan. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't help the way your hips began to grind slowly against him—helplessly weak to feel his cock move against your cunt.
His teeth gently grazed your jawline before he groaned, feeling your hips press further onto him—your passive way of teasing him back.
"You and I both know we don't have the back or knees for these damn stairs..." You breathed before a moan slipped out, as he lightly pinched and tugged at your nipple—easily driving you mad with lust.
"Fuck, well if that’s the case… you gotta stop makin' those little noises you know I like, baby..." He teased before tugging lightly again at your nipple. "You're going to make me weak in the knees...” He kissed down your neck to the hem of your shirt before kissing back up. “…then I’ll really be unable to make it up to the bedroom."
Your head was swimming and everything in you screamed to stay where you were. But, when the perfect moment came, for that small pause of when his lips reached up for yours—you put your hand on his chest and gently pushed him away, putting his back against the stairs.
Something similar to a growl escaped from his chest and rumbled against your palm as he looked at you with that devilish smirk. “What are you up to?"
You kept your hand on his chest as you maneuvered up and off his lap to stand in front of him—his hands sliding off your body.
He looked up at you from where he sat—drinking you in—his chest lightly heaving, lips pink and swollen.
You began to undo your belt, keeping eye contact, trying—and failing—not to grin too wide as you whispered, “Giving you some motivation to get upstairs…”
Joel watched as your pants slid down and off your body before you kicked them down the few stairs behind you.
He bit his bottom lip as his eyes locked in on you standing there—wearing his favorite lacy black panties. “Mm darlin’, you could be wearing a fuckin’ parka, and I’d want you on your hands and knees.”
You crossed your arms over your torso to grab the hem of your shirt before you slowly pulled it up over your head—revealing a matching lace black bra, one that left little to the imagination.
You tilted your head to the side and bit your lip as you noticed his hand had moved into his lap. He had starting to stroking himself slowly—needing relief.
"You're favorite, right?" You teased as your thumb slid just barely, underneath the elastic around your hip.
He groaned as he watched—nodding once at you. "You're being a tease, baby..."
You smirked and tossed your hair to one side, another one of his favorite sights before innocently asking, "Am I?"
He groaned, the sound animalistic as he tightened his grip and nodded. "You know what you're doing."
"Do I?" You cooed, knowing you were getting him pent up.
He watched you slowly draw the elastic down your hip bone—exposing that soft skin between your hip and mound. His jaw clenched, and his eyes fluttered shut as he let out a small whimper. “F-Fuck…”
You smirked as you stepped up a stair to stand more so over him than eye level. You put your hands on his knees and leaned forward—your cleavage was on full display—another one of his favorites.
“Tell me how you want me waiting for you…” You purred, slowly moving in—inches from his lips—making his eyes open immediately.
You now fully had his attention. And as you expected, his eyes dipped down to your tits like the man couldn’t help himself.
"Mm, eyes up here, handsome..." You taunted.
His gaze darkened as it snapped up to meet yours, his smirk widening as he moved to lean forward—wanting to catch your lips—only for you to tease him and pull back.
"Tell me..." You whispered as you began sliding your hands slowly up his thighs.
His breath hitched the further your hands crawled. He swallowed before lightly nudging his nose against yours, "Fuck... we should fight more often if it gets you like this..."
"Joel..." You whispered, like a soft warning for him to focus.
"On your back." He nudged your nose again, his eyes fluttering shut as he tilted his head to the side to kiss you—needing your lips on his. "Legs spread wide, like the good girl you are."
You bit your bottom lip and muttered as you leaned in to meet his lips with yours, "Yes, sir..."
He groaned as your lips collided in a deep and passionate kiss. He waited only moments before he couldn't resist but reach up and cup your cheeks as he continued to kiss you—getting slowly sloppier and heated with each kiss.
You moaned softly, the sound not able to be held back when he kissed you like this.
You felt his tongue begin to dance with yours and for a small moment, you were tempted to say 'Fuck it' and crawl back into his lap.
You could easily pull your panties to one side and pull him out through that buttoned up opening—one that you were no stranger to.
It took everything in you not to give in.
So before you did something you'd both regret in the morning, you ran one of your hands up his abdomen to his chest before gently pushing him back against the stairs again—your lips reluctant to separate as your foreheads stayed together .
"Mm, wait—" He mumbled, out of breath, slightly dazed.
You murmured as you nudged his nose playfully, "Don’t keep me waiting.”
Then you maneuvered past him and began rushing up the stairs, tossing your bra behind you at him.
He snapped out of whatever spell he was in at the feeling of it hitting the back of his head—only to spin around and find you at the top of the stairs with your panties around your ankle—giggling as you kicked them down the stairs at him—swiftly flicking your index finger, beckoning him to join you.
listen - im so glad this challenge helped you out of your writing funk bc this was 1000/10 AMAZING! joel fuckin miller - oh. my. GODDDDDD
tbh i was a bit worried about this dialogue but gahhh - you fit it in SO WELL and don’t even get me started on the man’s dirty talk bc it had me BLUSHING omfg (even my partner was like why are your cheeks so red rn🫠)
ugh thank you for participating - I’ve missed your writing and hope that this helped you get back into the swing of things💛
@pedroscurlsto ma'am.... to have you even like my post but then reblog it and share your thoughts??? someone sedate mee
i kid you not, you are one of the handful of writers on here that i followed beforehand that got me to write - so to hear you enjoyed my writing?? thank you so very much! i'm so grateful for you and hope you enjoy more that's coming <33
first, i've updated my main masterlist so go check that out!
next, i don't know quite how to say this, so i'm just going to say it.
i need help.
last night, my partner was unfortunately laid off without any notice. it was a job that doesn't have a severance package, so basically, we're fucked. now, i work full-time and will pick up overtime when i can, but its not enough, even with unemployment... and i'm genuinely freaking out.
we already are living paycheck to paycheck, we are in a mountain of debt from a number of unfortunate events. bottom line is i'm just scared. scared because i don't know how fast they'll find a job in the current job market... scared because everything costs so fucking much. and without a second income, i don't know what i'm going to do.
so, here's what i'm offering. i was going to postpone this until maybe the end of summer, but the universe has a funny way of lighting a fire under my ass lately soo why not do it with this.
i'm going to start doing commissions through Ko-Fi ✨ i will also be offering a couple of tiers of memberships, which you can find more information here.
if you'd like to just donate a dollar or two, if you like one of my stories, you can do that too. anything helps 🖤
if you aren't able to do anything, please share, comment, and give a like to my stories! i love hearing feedback from all of you.
i appreciate all your love and support you've given me over this past year of being on this platform and especially these last few months where i've been in and out. you are all so amazing, and i can't put into words how much you all mean ✨
pairing: jacksonjoel! x f!reader
word count: 5.7k
warnings: established relationship, angst, mentions of an injury, betrayal-ish, mentions of depression themes, intoxication (reader is at one point a little tipsy), arguing, without giving spoilers away: SMUT (18+ MDNI).
a/n: this is part of @pedroscurls's PPCU challenge. i'm a couple of days late in posting, but I still wanted to participate as it got me out of a writing funk.
my one line of dialogue is "You don't give a shit about me."
i am glad to have been able to write something for this challenge, as it's been so damn hard for me lately. so thank you jamie, for helping me get somewhat back on the horse! i'm hoping this is the start of getting back into the swing of things.
please check out the other stories that were written for this challenge - i'm sure they are all so amazing - i'm still working my way through them 🖤 anyways, as always, enjoy!! xx
check out my ko-fi to leave some love
Joel stirred awake at the sound of the front door creaking open.
It only took his brain a moment before an immediate wave of relief washed over him—especially hearing it click shut. That simple sound brought him nothing but relief after the evening you two had just had hours earlier.
Earlier that day - 6:21 PM
Joel sighed as he sat down on the bench near the front door to begin taking off his boots, watching you hang up your jacket a few feet from him. “I'm sorry, I just... I don’t understand why you’re so upset…”
Yeah, that’s not the right thing to say to someone who had been a swirling storm ever since you'd left Maria’s office. Meaning, the walk home had been completely silent. You gave him the cold shoulder, walked two paces in front of him—steam rolling off you in a fiery fit of anger.
“So upset?” You echoed, scoffing as you let your foot go—your disbelief for such a diabolical question completely stopping the motion of taking your boots off. “Why wouldn’t I be upset? You stood there and told everyone I wasn’t ready to go back out—”
“Because you aren’t!” He looked up at you from where he sat, voice laced with a painful type of honesty.
You stood there for a moment, silent, shocked by his bluntness.
Joel sighed as he set his boot down beside his leg before continuing, softening his voice a touch. “Baby, you… You can’t act like you aren’t wakin’ up every mornin’ in pain. That going back out would smart with how bad your knee has been treatin' you..”
You swallowed the sour words you had cocked and loaded to spit back if he’d said anything else, but this? He was right about this. And god damnit, he knew you knew he was right.
You hated how you couldn’t lie to yourself. Not when you did wake up every damn morning stiff and aching. You hated it—getting older, but also you couldn’t deny that your knee hadn’t been the same since the accident less than a season ago. No matter how hard you tried to push yourself or ignore it—you couldn’t pretend it was ever going to be like it was. You were forever going to be feeling the ramifications of that day.
But on a more important note—you couldn’t stand to wake up and live another day in this.
You needed to get back to the swing of things. You needed some sense of normalcy; you needed to get back to your routine.
And somehow you thought Joel of all people would understand that. But now? Now you felt that maybe he didn't know you at all.
God, you hated that.
You shook your head and looked down at the ground, trying to keep yourself from boiling over again. “You don’t get to make those decisions for me.”
When he didn't answer, you looked up just as he shook his head and slightly rolled his eyes—getting ready to cut in. Big mistake.
“No, you don't get to roll your eyes. You don't get to do that… God, you don’t get to stand there like you speak for me and—”
“And what? Tell the truth?” He scoffed as he stood, cutting you off again—shedding his jacket from his shoulders, moving past to hang it up on the coat rack. “You were there... You heard them ask me what I thought and I—”
You turned your body to follow him, your voice starting to rise like the fire in your chest as you interrupted now, “You told them that I’d be a fucking liability, Joel!”
You rarely ever called him by his name in moments like this—but he wasn't stupid. He knew when you did, it was more serious than he was treating it. And especially now, with the way you were looking at him? He knew you were more than just hurt.
“No, I…I didn’t say that—” He started to try and reason, taking a step toward you, reaching out for your hand or to try and ease you.
But you stepped back.
You stepped back and kept your hand away, putting it behind you, your voice having a fraction of restraint, “No... no, you don’t get to do... that.”
“Do what?” He asked, trying not to show how much that singular motion wounded him.
“You can’t do that." You took a shaky breath and shook your head as you looked down at your half-unlaced boot. “You can't act like you did nothing wrong, Joel.”
“But I didn’t—I just…” He sighed, feeling like no matter what he said, you weren’t in the place to hear him, you were too upset. “What did you want me to say? What would you have me do? Lie?…”
“I just... I just feel it wasn’t your place to say anything…”
He furrowed his brow, confused by the things you were saying. “Wasn’t my place?”
You hesitated, but then you went to shake your head only for your body to betray you into a shrug, like you were unsure. Your heart's silent way of telling you deep down it was his place—just like it was yours with him.
“I don't understand." He scoffed—now his anger was starting to simmer at how cold you were being. "Then tell me, what is my place?”
The way he firmly planted himself made you clench your jaw in frustration at his stubbornness. He wasn't going to let this go.
“I’m not doing this… You know what I meant.” You muttered as you knelt to lace your boot. You needed to cool off, and he wasn't going to let you do that here. Not now that things were misinterpreted and tempers were sure to boil over.
Joel looked down at you and shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, “Apparently, I don’t. Apparently, you and I are on two different pages of what is and isn’t our place. So enlighten me, please. What is my place?”
The more he kept pushing, the more he kept pressing on a button that was going to make you react in a way you hadn't around him yet.
“Joel, stop.” You warned, your hands starting to shake in anger or frustration... but it was only making it worse as you had to retie the lace again.
“No, tell me.” He pressed again, his tone losing that softness it started with.
Your head was swimming with nothing but anger. Enough that you knew if you fed into this, you’d say things out of that ugly place it always took you to. Things you’d regret.
“I’m not doing this right now. I can’t…” You muttered as you pulled the laces in a sloppy, half-assed bow out of frustration and rose to your feet, moving past him to grab your jacket you’d just hung up. “I... I can’t do this with you.”
“Can’t do this? What? You can’t talk things through?” He followed you, his heart now pounding in his ears—his anger taking over faster than he could control. “Look, I know we’re new to this… this…” He scoffed a small cold chuckle before continuing, “...God, whatever this is.”
You pulled your jacket on and kept your gaze down, biting the side of your cheek to keep yourself silent.
But silence didn’t bring him comfort. But would it to anyone else? With all the things you were saying? All the things you weren't?
For Joel, it just fed into his insecurities about not being good enough—not being enough to fight for. It cracked the very fragile part of himself that he had only opened for you.
He watched you for a moment, watched you struggle to line up the zipper to your jacket. Something in him didn't understand that you weren’t stepping away—you were stepping back.
You needed to pause.
You needed to find your head and pull it out of your ass.
But he just saw someone leaving—someone hurting him.
So he did what every insecure man does when they feel small…
He kept fucking talking until he would regret it.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and painfully chuckled. “Right, because I guess the only place you see me being is the one between your—”
But then he stopped the moment his brain caught up with his ass was about to say.
Something that wouldn’t be easy to take back.
You finally lined up the zipper and pulled it up in a sharp and quick motion, your eyes finding his—filled with hurt at the words he left lingering on the tip of his tongue.
“What? Between my legs?...” You paused for a moment and looked at him—really looked at him before finishing off with, “You really think that’s all we are?...” Not able to help the way your voice broke on that last word—your eyes suddenly started to burn as they filled with tears.
His face fell in that sad puppy sort of way that only he could achieve, especially in moments like these—in moments where he knew he massively fucked up.
“N-No, fuck, I didn’t mean that… I–” He took a step toward you, instinct making him reach out for you.
You felt a heat crawl up your neck, and tears suddenly started to cloud your vision. But before he could see any of that, you brushed past him and headed for the front door.
“Fuck… I was so stupid." You mumbled, wiping a tear that fell down your cheek.
Your voice broke as you felt yourself start to spiral. "You... You don’t give a shit about me if that’s what you think that is all we are...”
"No, whoa, hey... no." He started to scramble, not knowing what to say, what to do. How to fix this. "Sweetheart, you know that you mean more to me than anythin' in this world."
You didn't need to hear this. You weren't going to believe it, no matter how sad or desperate he sounded.
You needed air. You needed to get out of this damn hallway. You needed a fucking drink.
You reached for the doorknob and twisted it. “I need to go. I... I need to leave.” You said a bit louder, your voice still unsteady.
“No, No… baby—fuck, you know I didn’t mean that.” Joel quickly followed after you, putting his hand on the door from behind you—in an attempt to keep it shut just as you were about to pull it open. “Baby, I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t mean that. Please. Please don’t leave.”
You stayed facing the door, your hand clenched around the handle, voice small and eerily even. “Joel... let me go.”
Joel stayed there for a second, contemplating his options before he slowly let his hand off the door with a soft, defeated sigh.
His voice softened to a gentle plea as he stayed where he was, standing behind you, “Please don’t go. Please—”
You could feel the warmth radiating off of him as he stood behind you. You could smell the comforting scent of his citrus and pine soap with each inhale.
The urge every atom in your being was fighting against? Not to take a single step back? It was painful.
Because in any other scenario, you would fold. You would take that step back and lean into him. You’d surrender in the name of your love for him and let all this anger go.
You’d let him wrap you in his arms and hold you close. You’d melt against him, and he'd lean over your shoulder and kiss your neck—in that soft, sweet way he'd begin to apologize.
You’d stop being so damn stubborn and let the man love you in the way you never felt you deserved—even though he insisted every day he’d never stop trying to show you how much you do.
But this time, it felt different. This wasn’t any other fight you two had come across in the past.
This struck something deep that you didn’t know how to navigate. It was something you hadn't ever felt.
It was something that only came from the world ending and finding yourself with someone. It was unfamiliar territory, and that was terrifying.
However, the longer you stood there, the more Joel could feel you fighting back every instinct. He could feel the energy pulsing off of you.
So he did what he always did: he moved in to offer comfort.
He moved a few inches closer, closing the space even more so that you would be able to feel his breath against your neck as he continued to softly plead, “All I meant… all I was tryin’ to do was protect you by what I said with Maria. I need..." He sighed softly, his hand hovering the side of your hip. "I need you safe…”
Your eyelids betrayed you as they slowly closed—only for a few seconds—but it was enough that you felt yourself lean back and touch his chest before you snapped forward and shook your head, shaking yourself out of his spell. “Joel, please…”
You opened the door to leave when his voice came one last time from behind you, completely broken. “You know that I’d never hurt you. You know how much I need you... how much I love you…”
You held onto the doorknob—your knuckles now turning white as you allowed a few tears to run down your cheeks before you nodded and swallowed the lump sitting high in the back of your throat.
“Of course I do.”
Then you looked back at him, and there he saw it: the utter heartbreak you’d been hiding under all that anger since leaving Maria’s office.
“But that makes what you did hurt even worse…” You choked out before turning around and walking out—softly shutting the door behind you.
Joel stood there and just stared at the door. He didn't move from that spot for an hour before he moved to sit at the bench—where he sat for a few more hours.
Waiting for you.
Waiting to make things right. To be there when you get back.
If you came back.
He’d just drifted to sleep when he heard the front door creak open. He didn’t waste a moment before he moved to sit up in bed—his racing.
He turned the nightstand’s lamp on and saw the time on the clock next to it:
12:11 AM
He realized he'd been asleep for no more than 20 minutes, and that in some way felt like he’d betrayed you. By not being down there when you came home.
“Baby?” He called from the bed before rushing to his feet and slowly stepping towards the door—slightly hesitating in case he'd dreamt the sound.
He heard you stumble and crash into what he could only assume was the coat rack before you called out, “Jesus, you’re still awake?” Your voice filled with a small level of disbelief, like you didn't expect him to wait up.
He rushed out of the bedroom and stopped at the top of the stairs to see you at the bottom, already looking up for him.
You looked lighter than before—not so angry or upset. Needless to say, however much relief that brought him, he couldn’t assume and risk a repeat of earlier.
“Well... yeah, I...” He said softly as he stepped down a few steps before sitting on the top stair, keeping his voice gentle. “I wanted to be awake when you got home. You know, in case you wanted to talk or—”
“Mm, I was angry... and real fuckin' stupid earlier...” You hiccupped as you cut him off, holding tightly onto the railing, keeping yourself steady as it was clear now that you were a bit tipsy.
“Whoa, hey... no… I said some really—” Joel tried to start, only for you to cut him off again.
You hiccupped louder, and you waved your hand out in front of you to stop him, “Mm, stop talking and let me get this out, m'kay?”
Joel couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his lips before he exhaled in mock defeat and nodded towards you, “Okay…”
You took a deep breath and stumbled up a few steps, slightly tripping on the third one, but caught yourself and looked up at him again. “I... I was angry for several reasons...” You sighed and shrugged as you saw him soften somehow even more as he waited for you to carry on. “I felt angry for feeling overwhelmed at the way I literally can’t do the one thing I’ve been doing since I got to Jackson.”
You looked away for a moment, trying to find the words—before looking down.
“For… For feeling like a burden to you and Ellie while I've been recovering.” Your voice changed, like there was shame woven into it.
You heard him inhale, like he was going to speak up, so you quickly continued, needing to get it all on the table.
“I felt—no, I feel like I’m losing my sense of routine. I just—I was or am… feeling a lot.” You looked up at him to only see him give you the softest nod—like he was giving you the small nudge to keep going.
You swallowed and took another step up towards him—this one more solid—opening up more. “But… what I was mostly upset about is… because I tried lying to myself and everyone else today. But you?” You helplessly chuckled as you pinched the bridge of your nose, slightly annoyed that you didn’t understand this before.
“You held me accountable."
Joel hummed in agreement before he tilted his head slightly, watching you—like he was reading all the unspoken things you were holding back.
“Tell me more…” He plead.
Your cheeks warmed at the soft patience of his voice before putting your hand back on the rail, thinking of how to put what you wanted to say into words, before looking up at him.
But then you realized who was looking down at you with those soft brown eyes, and suddenly, the need for perfect words and for it all to make sense left.
"I uhm, I talked to Gail... at the bar tonight, and she said a lot of things that just… fuck—they obnoxiously made sense..." You started to chuckle.
Joel grinned as he leaned in to listen.
"She said that I uhm..." You sighed as you shut your eyes tightly, trying to remember Gail's exact words. “That I didn't communicate my feelings and anxieties before going to Maria's… and so, when it didn’t go my way—she said that ‘I put an unfair amount of blame on you’..."
You slowly opened your eyes and shrugged as you looked down at the step in front of you. Focusing on the small line of finish that had worn off the wood. "I guess… what I need to come to terms with is, I'm a bit rusty and should probably retire from patrol with how bad my knee is..."
Joel simply hummed again, not in agreement or anything—just to let you know he’d been listening.
But this time, when you looked up at him, the weight of everything that had been said and happened earlier caught in the back of your throat. Your lip quivered before you whispered, “And I’m sorry. I—I’m so sorry for leaving. I know that—” The shakiness in your voice instantly made Joel move to come racing down the stairs toward you.
“Hey, hey no… c’mere—” He whispered tenderly before collapsing back down on the stairs in front of you, reaching to put his hands on your cheeks.
“Can I say somethin’ now?” He asked as his thumb brushed a tear away.
You let out a sad chuckle and nodded, stepping closer to lean into his warm hold.
His eyes danced across your face as he studied you for a few seconds before softly tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear.
“You mean more to me than I will ever be able to… say or show you.” His thumb wiped another of your tears away. “But if tonight taught me anything? It showed me a real ugly taste of what my life would be without you.”
You leaned into his hand and couldn’t help but smile, “That bad, huh?”
“Mm, horribly miserable darlin’…” Joel murmured as his lips matched your smile and his thumb began gently stroking back and forth over your cheek. “I never want to go up to that cold bed alone, mm?”
Your cheeks warmed a soft blush, and you closed your eyes as you hummed in agreement, “Can’t say I wanted my evening to be spent nursing a bottle of vodka… getting therapized by Gail of all people…”
That made Joel chuckle—but the noise only came through his nostrils and through his chest.
The sound was so small and simple… but it was that familiar vibration that always warmed your soul.
It was the warmth that welcomed you every morning when he kissed you awake. The sound that he couldn’t help but let out when he pulled you close and begged for five more minutes with you—which always made you smile and giggle—as you’d never dare deny yourself of that level of absolute bliss, especially with him.
But tonight, it was the trigger that you needed. It was the spark needed to feel that same wave of relief that washed over Joel after hearing the door click—this was your wave.
You opened your eyes to find him already soaking you in, in a way only poets could describe. In a way that no matter how deep you looked, you couldn’t find a single ounce of anger or betrayal that was there before.
Nothing ill harbored towards you.
Instead, there was nothing but love and respect and compassion and absolute commitment.
But then again, Joel could never hold anything against you after a fight for long. If there was one weakness that man had, it was his devotion to you.
He was utterly and helplessly in love with you and could never stay upset for too long—even when you were the one who massively fucked up.
Instead, he forgave you—every single time.
He moved on.
He gave you a second chance more times than you felt you deserved.
He was the one good and fair thing this world had given you after taking so much away. And you were the same to him.
You were his second chance at being happy—being truly, stupidly, blindly, and endlessly happy.
“Well, in that case, how about we finish out the night… the right way…and head upstairs?” He murmured as he pulled down to his lips—adding before his lips touched yours, "Let me make it up to you..."
You leaned into him as you kissed him slowly the first time, lingering on his lips long enough to taste the peppermint from his toothpaste. You then moved your hand off the railing to land on his chest before gripping the soft fabric of his t-shirt and kissing him again, deeper this time.
He inhaled at what that did to him and moved one of his hands through your hair to cradle the back of your neck—while the other moved down to your waist to pull you up to straddle his lap, muttering, “Mm, c’mere…”
You blindly stumbled up the few stairs needed to meet him, giggling against his lips before straddling his lap and kissing him deeper. Your free arm easily wrapped around his shoulder—bringing yourself close enough that your chest pressed against his.
His hand stayed cradled at your neck as his lips moved against yours in a slow and deep passionate fit of kisses. Your hand slowly moved to thread through the soft curls at the back of his neck, softly panting between each pass.
Eventually, you slid your tongue gradually more and more between his lips—a silent plea for more—until his began dancing with yours.
Joel groaned before his hands moved down to grip your ass, moving your hips to grind against the thin fabric of his pajama pants—sending a clear message he also wanted more.
You moaned quietly at the growing bulge grinding slowly against the seam of your jeans. You pulled back only for his lips to move to your jawline, then your neck, sucking soft marks into your skin.
“Joel…” You breathed, eyes fluttering shut as your fingers curled around his hair, holding him right where you wanted him.
There. That was the version of his name he loved to hear roll off your tongue.
He groaned, the rumble coming up from deep in his chest—bouncing off the soft skin he had between his lips as he began making his mark.
His hands stayed on your ass, grinding you back and forth against his lap until you eventually began doing it yourself.
Your breathing became heavier before small whimpers bubbled their way out—making him smirk against your skin. “Mm, I love when you make those sounds.” He muttered before slowly gliding his lips across your skin, back up to yours, before kissing you passionately.
You kissed him back, continuing your rhythm against his growing erection that was now stimulating something for you with each pass it rubbed against your clit. You could feel his hands move up your body and then underneath your shirt to eventually tug your bra down before he cupped your tit—making your breath hitch in between a kiss.
You kissed him harder, a touch sloppier, as you both were too hot and hungry for each other. So when you pulled back, he chased after you—his eyes lidded and grinning wide.
"Where do you think you're going?" He murmured leaning in for you, palming your breast with one hand and gripping your waist with the other.
You moaned again, your breath hot against his lips before you kissed him once more—this time slowly pulling back and leaning your forehead against his.
"Ellie... she's down the hall..." You whispered as you combed your fingers through his curls, your hips slowing down their rhythm.
"Mhm, and she's one of the heaviest sleepers we know..." He grinned as his thumb teased your nipple, making you gasp, and your hips roll once more against him.
"Come on... think about it..." He almost sounded like he was begging.
Your cheeks flushed red at how hot that made you feel. How wet you could feel yourself getting, imagining the thrill of it all—the thought of what could be done on these stairs.
But then you realized two pretty important points:
You were still somewhat drunk. Additionally to that point, you were in no way, shape, or form going to have the coordination to fuck him on these stairs.
You both were not as young as you'd like to believe. Because if you were to put it back in your pants for a second? You'd both agree that the outcome would most likely end in one or the both of you getting hurt, rather than having any fun.
Joel took your silence as a way to further his cause—so he leaned in and kissed your chin, then jawline, humming along with each kiss.
"You could ride me, right here... give me a show with those pretty little tits of yours." He purred before lightly pinching the bud of your nipple.
Your grip tightened on his shoulder—the instant sensation shooting a heat down to your core. You bit your lip to hold in a moan that would be loud enough to stir the house.
"Or I could bend you over... get you on your hands and knees..." Another small pinch and kiss to the soft spot just under your jawline. "Watch that perfect pussy of yours take me so well from behind..."
Your eyes fluttered shut, and you swallowed down another moan. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't help the way your hips began to grind slowly against him—helplessly weak to feel his cock move against your cunt.
His teeth gently grazed your jawline before he groaned, feeling your hips press further onto him—your passive way of teasing him back.
"You and I both know we don't have the back or knees for these damn stairs..." You breathed before a moan slipped out, as he lightly pinched and tugged at your nipple—easily driving you mad with lust.
"Fuck, well if that’s the case… you gotta stop makin' those little noises you know I like, baby..." He teased before tugging lightly again at your nipple. "You're going to make me weak in the knees...” He kissed down your neck to the hem of your shirt before kissing back up. “…then I’ll really be unable to make it up to the bedroom."
Your head was swimming and everything in you screamed to stay where you were. But, when the perfect moment came, for that small pause of when his lips reached up for yours—you put your hand on his chest and gently pushed him away, putting his back against the stairs.
Something similar to a growl escaped from his chest and rumbled against your palm as he looked at you with that devilish smirk. “What are you up to?"
You kept your hand on his chest as you maneuvered up and off his lap to stand in front of him—his hands sliding off your body.
He looked up at you from where he sat—drinking you in—his chest lightly heaving, lips pink and swollen.
You began to undo your belt, keeping eye contact, trying—and failing—not to grin too wide as you whispered, “Giving you some motivation to get upstairs…”
Joel watched as your pants slid down and off your body before you kicked them down the few stairs behind you.
He bit his bottom lip as his eyes locked in on you standing there—wearing his favorite lacy black panties. “Mm darlin’, you could be wearing a fuckin’ parka, and I’d want you on your hands and knees.”
You crossed your arms over your torso to grab the hem of your shirt before you slowly pulled it up over your head—revealing a matching lace black bra, one that left little to the imagination.
You tilted your head to the side and bit your lip as you noticed his hand had moved into his lap. He had starting to stroking himself slowly—needing relief.
"You're favorite, right?" You teased as your thumb slid just barely, underneath the elastic around your hip.
He groaned as he watched—nodding once at you. "You're being a tease, baby..."
You smirked and tossed your hair to one side, another one of his favorite sights before innocently asking, "Am I?"
He groaned, the sound animalistic as he tightened his grip and nodded. "You know what you're doing."
"Do I?" You cooed, knowing you were getting him pent up.
He watched you slowly draw the elastic down your hip bone—exposing that soft skin between your hip and mound. His jaw clenched, and his eyes fluttered shut as he let out a small whimper. “F-Fuck…”
You smirked as you stepped up a stair to stand more so over him than eye level. You put your hands on his knees and leaned forward—your cleavage was on full display—another one of his favorites.
“Tell me how you want me waiting for you…” You purred, slowly moving in—inches from his lips—making his eyes open immediately.
You now fully had his attention. And as you expected, his eyes dipped down to your tits like the man couldn’t help himself.
"Mm, eyes up here, handsome..." You taunted.
His gaze darkened as it snapped up to meet yours, his smirk widening as he moved to lean forward—wanting to catch your lips—only for you to tease him and pull back.
"Tell me..." You whispered as you began sliding your hands slowly up his thighs.
His breath hitched the further your hands crawled. He swallowed before lightly nudging his nose against yours, "Fuck... we should fight more often if it gets you like this..."
"Joel..." You whispered, like a soft warning for him to focus.
"On your back." He nudged your nose again, his eyes fluttering shut as he tilted his head to the side to kiss you—needing your lips on his. "Legs spread wide, like the good girl you are."
You bit your bottom lip and muttered as you leaned in to meet his lips with yours, "Yes, sir..."
He groaned as your lips collided in a deep and passionate kiss. He waited only moments before he couldn't resist but reach up and cup your cheeks as he continued to kiss you—getting slowly sloppier and heated with each kiss.
You moaned softly, the sound not able to be held back when he kissed you like this.
You felt his tongue begin to dance with yours and for a small moment, you were tempted to say 'Fuck it' and crawl back into his lap.
You could easily pull your panties to one side and pull him out through that buttoned up opening—one that you were no stranger to.
It took everything in you not to give in.
So before you did something you'd both regret in the morning, you ran one of your hands up his abdomen to his chest before gently pushing him back against the stairs again—your lips reluctant to separate as your foreheads stayed together .
"Mm, wait—" He mumbled, out of breath, slightly dazed.
You murmured as you nudged his nose playfully, "Don’t keep me waiting.”
Then you maneuvered past him and began rushing up the stairs, tossing your bra behind you at him.
He snapped out of whatever spell he was in at the feeling of it hitting the back of his head—only to spin around and find you at the top of the stairs with your panties around your ankle—giggling as you kicked them down the stairs at him—swiftly flicking your index finger, beckoning him to join you.
