that i alone could win or lose it

and all the places we were hiding love. what was it we were thinking of?

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

I'm like my mom, I push things.

I try to find an opening,

Poke and prod til it's nothing,

Then look like I'm the one suffering.

If I get scared in the dark,

I'll blame the night.

If I stare at the sun too long,

I'll blame the light.

If I can't take the heat,

I'll blame the ice.

If I get something wrong,

I'll blame what's right.

If I push too far,

I'll blame the warning signs.

You love me enough to stay,

You care for me anyway

And I still find brand new ways

To blame what's outside of me.

I have to grow from this,

No one's going to save me.

I'm worried about

This thing in my head misbehaving.

I'm worried it might be

Too much to take me.

I take on the blame

When the problem ain't me.

But when it's my turn

I rip at the seams.

My teeth fall out

In my dreams.

My world turns

Around and around again.

You're the axis,

But I can't hear a thing

What for all this spinning.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

you know me, quietly

loudly too, if I'm being honest

you touch the parts in me that need it the most

you show me the mirror so gently.

you find me everywhere.

you honor the pieces.

i hold you in so many ways

i hope you can see how i'm learning to be gentle.

the world stops turning when you're in me.

i crave you like you're home

because you are.

i crave to unlearn my cruel ways

i'm sorry it's what you've known of me.

ive rejected myself in so many ways

and you can feel it.

you're right. we are so alike.

the ways we're different matter.

the ways you've held me together tender me.

the ways you let go, i'm beginning to hold dear.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

I find myself

In the little corners of you.

Softly, I see through the frosted glass

Of your dreams.

I don't forgive you.

I don't even pity you.

I can see the parts of you

Hanging on by a thread

That you tried to sever.

Is that why

You tried to change me?

Brutally, I peer through the window

To see the shadow cast tall on the wall.

The figurehead,

The hopeful dead,

The ways we lose ourselves.

Is that why

You used the strength you had

To siphon?

You hold me close

And it feels like a noose.

It feels like the ways

I tried to sever myself

From this world.

You hold me close and ask me

What kind of monster you would be

If you really meant what you did.

You hold me down and ask me

What kind of mother you would be

If you were really conscious of it.

Is this why all you have for me

Are empty words and excuses?

Is this why

It's so hard for me

Not to trample the things I love?

I love you but

Sometimes it feels like it's too late.

I feel for you but

You only feel for me when it impacts you.

I miss you but

Only when I forget.

[rainie-is-seasonchange]

Airy winter.

Nagano, Japan.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

one of us is gonna die before the other. this is a constant reminder to hold you tighter, to tell you I love you more, to say fuck it and stay in bed those extra moments while the sunlight seeps through the curtains, to put extra effort into the meals I make you. one day I won't be here, or you won't be here, and with tears in my eyes I kiss you like it could be our last, hoping and praying that it's not.

[unlivedsummers]

remember when we danced in the kitchen?

the moon was high

and so were we,

maybe on the lies we've told ourselves but

god did it feel good.

you told me once you could never love me

but i see your hands reach out for me

when you're sleeping like

maybe you are slipping softly into loving

the imperfect me that i am.

i have more fallen than you;

you always were better at keeping your feet grounded

but maybe its our turn to fly

and maybe i really won't ever know

because you won't say it

but ive felt it. and i soften when you hold me.

youve known me more than i have ever

let anyone. this is no accident.

this is no explaination, no story,

no lyrics or song,

but i am singing.

oh i'm singing still.

[local-deadpoet-deactivated20260]

i literally have to romanticize almost everything or else i get sad

[shez-bitchy]

I released my first song on soundcloud 💗

https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/nbCbc

I would appreciate if u gave it a listen!!

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

summer days quickly turn

to winter nights

and i am unafraid in your arms

of perhaps everything besides myself,

who can and has hurt your tender heart

and my tender heart

and the tender hearts of those

who no longer wish to see my face.

you are all golden and

all ready for the love,

giving freely, and (still) i beg

for you to receive.

all of this and more,

words

you may never read.

your heart i carry (in mine)

[lifeinpoetry]

only laughing can i survive the violence of everyday transactions

— Rita Wong, from “reading my dinner,” Monkeypuzzle

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

fucked up . broke his heart and my own . wanna hold him but his house is not my home . wanna build a cabin for him n i but he had to leave me alone . i'll walk and walk to find the road. nothing ahead of me is written in stone . i wish i could take it all back . but my words have been empty and my actions attack . hes so beautiful inside n out . now he cant hear me even if i shout . this place i live in is getting old . need to break the cycle; get out of this mold. i want i wish for him to come home . but home is not me though i wish it could be . and everywhere i turn there are knives pointed at me . this is my doing, its what i do best. make and make and make a mess.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

could be a stranger

or someone close to you and your family,

you never know,

just shift through the days

knowing anyone may be a threat,

especially when someone has already

put the mark of a victim on you.

your arms are stretched out.

youre trying to become a bird;

something that can fly away.

but even birds get their wings clipped,

and darling, youve always had feathers

and flew above everyones heads.

i wish we could pretend

at this world isnt cruel;

that we dont need to be wary of others.

but that just isnt the way.

that's how you rip yourself open.

so you are vigilant . maybe even hyper so.

and this is how you survive,

and you keep surviving

until one day comes

and you can thrive

instead of wondering what demons are around the corner

and what evil lurks on the bus ride home.

please dont say it was ever your fault.

you cant know what made him do what he did,

but it wasnt anything you did.

maybe he contained his urges until ....

maybe you werent the first girl.

but either way,

he should be rotting . and you should be thriving.

but until them,

keep your chin up

or

keep your chin down,

whatever you have the energy for.

you are a light

and lights attract mosquitoes

and some of them carry terrible things.

i know you will never let this stop you,

that you will keep shining.

and i have never been so heartbroken

and i have never loved you more, sister.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

we cant all be number one

and he never felt that he was mine,

but in the quiet spots of my own mind

(of which there arent many)

he stands, alone. whispering my name

and making every part of my body wait in awe.

and in all the loud spots of my mind

(of which there arent few)

he paces, and calls me things i would rather not repeat

but always do.

you really dont know what you have until its gone.

and, my god, is it gone.

my god, is it faded and hurting. broken. just waiting for a sliver of hope that will never be.

i walk the hallways and rooms of my new job.

its too new and makes me miss everything i knew of him.

"he has never been here," i think,

and i think of how i am moving

and how he will never be there either.

and how he will be moving

and i will never see him there either.

this weight feels hard to carry,

my heels hurt from dragging this feeling around all day.

but its mine to lift and haul,

and i know it will be harder soon

and then maybe, eventually easier.

and its all him. i am carrying him in my heart

and some days he talks to me

but most days he doesnt.

and i try not to hold my breath waiting

but i always do.

i always turn blue for him.

and sometimes i think i always will.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

damn. what would it be like to be? i'm not sure anymore. i don't know how to describe it. i have learned the old ways of dressing; the steps and steps of putting on. the masks of it all. i have learned the hiding, and now its just time to pull the curtains. now its just time to unlock these windows, even if its raining. even if the water will get inside. i owe this to myself; to feel the feelings i'd rather not feel. they exist in the corner regardless, and without that hiding away, i'm sure i can learn to love the face i see. i'm sure i can learn to love my own face and stop wishing for someone else's to be near it. i'm sure i can stop this longing at the root. i'm sure i can un-enter this waiting place and undo what has been placed in the house of my heart. i am mouthfulls of words away from telling so much truth to open air and no one in particular. what difference would it make, if i said it? all of it. all the difference. give it shape, give it form. accept it. get to know it. learn it. and adopt it back into you. there are things i can hate in myself and hate just grows and grows, but love does too. damn right it does too. so thats what i'm gonna choose.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

it's all good . we hurt and we heal and we hurt while healing and healing hurts but feels like home when we're inside our own chests. so imma build a house in my own chest, where its warm and even though it's unfamiliar, i'm gonna enjoy it, and enjoy the feeling of being unfamiliar, because i am familiar with so much, and be conscious of its positive effect while it's happening .. instead of after. like getting over it in waves as in oceans, as in sounds. lets get over this in waves. lets ocean this. lets valley this mountain and become once more like the living moving inside my arms. its all me all the time. all this blood on the outside is just meeting the world for a little bit, and learning to shock the joy back into itself. i want to be shocked back into myself, and so i'm shocking myself back into her. back into this body. back into this curly hair. back with these thoughts up in that big sky.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

i need so much of it i need all the parts of it i need to feel it and see it and touch it i need to walk inside of it i need to be with it and understand it and cry for it and cry with it and let it cry and hold it to my chest and push it far away just so that i can feel the loss to feel what i gain from it every time we meet back in the middle where my arms are and its head is and i put my middle finger to the sky cause g-d's got me learning lessons and the world's got me spinning and this thump in my chest still hurts when it hits even after all these years of living with it inside of me. like walking around in your house in the middle of the night, and making a wrong step and bumping into something, knowing the whole time that you were going to hurt in the end but that there was no way of stopping it so all you can do is think "what now". walk it off. that's what. that's what i want from myself. i want to walk it off.

[lonelyextraterrestrial]

that feeling is  what you get after you  digest that other feeling. we’re rotting away here but that doesn’t mean there isn’t new growth just down the way. my hands are aching and unlucky for this. you say, “renounce unlucky” and i meet you at that place where we never agreed to meet but still find each other at; still find ourselves. you’re at that end of the pool. chlorine concentration is too high so  they sent you home that day. we all got things to work out and your hands could be here but you chose something else and i’m gonna have to live with that. it’s not a resignation. it’s not a sighing. it’s just a different kind of breath. and you gotta hold it in on your way down, and get used to the new air when you hit the bottom, and then resurface, and relearn.  sometimes you just gotta learn to breathe underwater for a bit.

and relearn. and relearn. and relean on those sturdy pillars you built the last time you were strong enough to do so.