●︿● @lonelypenguin12 - Tumblr Blog

Is it stupid to want to talk to you? To see how you're doing? Tell me, am I crazy? Because I don't deserve to speak to you, really I don't. After all I've done to hurt you. Is it horrible that I want to know how you are? And whether you're happy? I know being friends is not even a possibility. But I can't help but wonder. How are you? Are you okay? Do you ever think about me the way that I think about you? Fondly, yet bittersweet? Alas, what's not meant to be, will not be.

After all this time, there's a part of me that still loves you. Which is totally insane to me. And that doesn't mean I want you back. That doesn't mean I want to be with you. It simply means that I hope you're doing well. I hope you're happy. I hope you're taking care of yourself. And honestly, part of me wishes that there's a small part of you that still loves me too. From a distance. Just to prove that what we had was real. I know we haven't spoken in years but, I genuinely hope you're okay. And I hope your life is filled with love, but not from me.

How is it that after all this time I still think about you every now and then? Or that you still appear in my dreams? Or that I know I have this soft spot for you that I can never get rid of? Which is crazy because I know you don't think about me anymore. I know you don't care about me anymore. I know we haven't spoken in forever. I know you definitely think less of me and you're glad you don't know me anymore. And yet, somehow, I can't fully erase you from my thoughts, my dreams, my heart.

The more time I spend at home, the more I realize there's nothing left for me here. And that makes me feel a little lonely. Home was supposed to be the one place that was familiar and welcoming. And when I leave home for somewhere new, I still feel lost. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I don't know where to go anymore.

I keep thinking about you. About how different these past few months would've been. All the what ifs. How everything that mattered seems so pointless now. How you were such a big part of my life. How I ruined everything. I'm not capable of love. And I'm most certainly not worth it. Most of all, I don't deserve to be loved after this.

I'm starting to believe that love isn't real. Love doesn't exist. True love is a bunch of bullshit. It's just two people convincing themselves to make life seem less shitty. I don't believe in love anymore. I'm done. I'll never forgive myself for it.

What's the point of trying to be a good person if everyone only fixates on the mistakes you've made?

I feel it again. It's coming back. The dark thoughts, the bad feelings, the insecurities. Feeling like a bother. Feeling like a nuisance. Feeling worthless. Feeling like I don't matter. Like I shouldn't exist. Make it stop.

I can't believe I let this happen again. I don't think I know how to love someone anymore. Maybe I never did. Maybe I don't know what love truly is. Maybe love simply doesn't exist.

I want to bash my head against the wall over and over again until my skull cracks open and the pain is released from my mind.

Nothing I ever do is enough. I'm tired, exhausted, breaking down, overthinking. I feel so lonely. I feel pathetic. I feel worthless. I feel like I don't matter. I wish I wasn't so needy. I don't want to be sad anymore. Sad makes me feel weak. I want to be numb. Indifference is key. Then, I won't be overwhelmed. I won't cry. I'll be fine.

Why are you still in my dreams?

Why am I so ugly

You make me feel so special and so loved. You're so amazing and I'm so grateful for you, I love you. I hope we have our happy ending and that 'us' lasts forever this time.

I feel like I always love people more than they love me and I'm tired of giving it my all for them to not love me as much as I love them. For once, I want to be given more than I give, I want to be loved more than I love. Maybe they do love me more but have other ways to show it? I don't know I'm just feeling a little tired and unloved right now.

Instagram: @poemxheaven

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

●︿●