welcome friends

hi my names sophie and im lonely as fuck

[theyellowbrickroad]

i had the best human interaction of all time last night. i was sitting at a bar eating an appetizer and this guy comes up to order a drink and stares at my food and comments how good it looks. when i am drunk i use the word bitch like it is a comma, i plug it into any space in a sentence possible. so naturally the first thing i say to this stranger is, “go ahead and take one, bitch.”

he looks SO shocked and taken aback and goes “what did you just say? how do you know my name?” so i sit there for a moment trying to figure out what the fuck he is talking about, and then go, “…. bitch?” and he looks so relieved and tells me his name is mitch.

i cannot stop thinking about this. oh my god. imagine going into a bar and someone you know for a fact youve never met approaches you and says “go ahead and take one, mitch.” im cracking the fuck up. he looked like he thought this was the fucking truman show

[pathologising]

ok well im going to build a good future for myself whether i like it or not

[pathologising]

literally this

[memewhore]

[pathologising]

[taiyoufu-deactivated20230521]

This man can't be fixed. I can fuck him though. Maybe that will calm him down.

[gaygraviturgist]

me: oh cool i got a new follower, i hope it isnt a porn bot

salinamarcil805:

[afloweroutofstone]

The "nepo baby" discourse is kind of dumb because it should have always been obvious that most famous people were born into it, but it is fun watching nepo babies get very mad and upset about it. The entire world on their plate and yet they can't have the only thing they want: the myth of being self-made

[cryptotheism]

I think we need more effective insults for the uber-wealthy in general. It's nice to have one that actually makes them mad.

[cadoized]

does anyone else

[cadoized]

oh darling ive been looking

[cadoized]

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE

[cadoized]

and ADHD, you say

[rilianedautriche]

compilation of texts my mom has sent me when my cat is wailing outside my room and i haven’t opened the door for her yet

[rilianedautriche]

[rilianedautriche]

[rilianedautriche]

[rilianedautriche]

[wellwaterhysteria]

just watched a tiktok (which is my bad, honestly) where a person said they hate it when books and movies have endings that are open to interpretation because they think it's lazy. "i don't want to write the ending in my brain. YOU write the ending with your pen and paper" come on, dude. let's just. come on now. say sike

[castratedvader]

the problem with children is that theyre very excited to hear about monsters and death and so on but at one point they stop being excited and start getting scared and you gotta be good in spotting the exact moment before this happens to start backtracking everything. yes yes vampires are real and drink people's blood but no they don't live here and they cannot come here because uuuuh they cant travel outside the place they died in. it's vampire science. yes i studied it.

[ashstfu]

the whole point of life is just knowing a bunch of weird stuff and being kinda flirty

[meladoodle]

my friend angella was doing a comedy gig, and as soon as she came out a guy shouted ‘can i give you my number?’ and all the crowd groaned cause it was so inappropriate but angella was like ‘yeah sure’. the guy started shouting out his number and she started entering it into her phone. the whole crowd was like woaaah. she got the whole number and then dialled it and it rang. everyone lost their shit. finally the guy answered and angella just said “hello? shut the fuck up” and it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen 

[alex-plante]

So some of these details are probably wrong, it happened a long time ago so I don’t remember the specifics leading up, but it was incredible. A friend of mine who does stand up was doing his bit at open mic one night, and a guy was heckling him. Just being a total asshole, and then his phone rang and he started talking loudly on his phone about how he’s at open mic and this guy isn’t funny, etc. Now the weird thing about hecklers is that they just want to be a part of something most of the time, so my friend said, “hey man, what’s your name? Can I see your phone for a second?”

The guy actually handed over his phone, and my friend hung up, and scrolled through his contact list until he found the person he was looking for. He hit dial, and starts.

“Hello? Is this [Name’s] mom? Great! It’s very nice to talk to you. I’m a comedian in the middle of my standup routine, and your son is being very rude, [lists off some of the things her son said]…. hold on, can I get you to repeat that?”

He takes the phone away, puts it in speakerphone and holds it up to the mic.

“I said, I’m sorry my son is being such an asshole.”

Everyone lost it. Fuckin’ destroyed by his own mother. My friend said it was one of his proudest moments ever.

[funnytwittertweets]

[resplendeo]

I asked an ornithologist about this today and he said that they can't remember the nineties. "They're dumb," he said.

[hickeywiththegoodhair]

theyre really into garbage tho so maybe they do remember the ‘90s

[willgrahamscock]

loving this character isn’t enough I need to unhinge my jaw and sink my teeth into them 

[unheimlichemaneuver-deactivated]

Sometimes you think a man is gay but it turns out he is just nice. Sometimes you think a man is nice but he’s actually just wearing glasses. It’s complicated

[theehorsepusssy]