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💥 Sarah | 30 | 07.01.2025 💍

[countingthehours]

what really gets me, after the initial shock, is the fact that what i remember as a group of bright eyed, over ambitious kids are now grown adults who are able to navigate the complexity of this situation.

we not only grew up with the boys, but we grew up with each other.

a lot of us have careers, families, a whole life far detached from the one we used to dedicate to a group of five boys (and their families, hairstylist, bodyguards… even a pigeon). and in one moment, simultaneously and instantly, all those memories came pouring and flooding back.

we grew up, but we never left

[violeblanche]

they were just normal guys but terrible terrible dancers

[kvothes]

so true

[lesbianredpanda]

Official Wednesday post

[i-heart-head-gutz]

[squidrifica]

[snakeautistic]

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[heropirate]

Bob scrubbin’ your blog.

[pain-is-my-game]

I'm so tired of seeing things from my mother's point of view when she never attempts to understand mine.

[x3nshit]

“you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick”

i didn’t get this until someone put it into words. i’d never understand why i always felt better when i locked myself alone in my room rather than spending time with my toxic family. i never understood why i was bubbly and outgoing when i was with my friends but my energy was immediately drained the second i got home. i didn’t understand why regardless of the effort i put into healing i would keep getting triggered by people in my family. i never understood it until i read that sentence and it all just clicked. i can’t heal in an environment where the people are benefiting from my suffering. where the people don’t want to change the behaviour which affects me negatively.

[pain-is-my-game]

The duality of a mother amazes me. It's either she constantly brags about you to friends and family or she's tearing you down and talking about how you're such a terrible child.

[dearestsecret]

-Sylvia Plath. (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

As a child I had no choice but to be enmeshed.

Space was not an option.

Knowing what was mine and what was hers was not an option.

I carried her pain. I carried her stress. I carried her marriage worries. I carried her financial problems. I carried her trauma. I carried her fear.

As a child.

A tiny, scared, confused, overwhelmed child.

This is what I thought love was.

I only want love now that feels good to my nervous system.

That child deserves to breathe now.

That child deserves to rest.

That child deserves to play.

That child deserves to be a child.

Every time you ignore your needs, you retraumatize your inner child.

Every time you treat your inner child the way your abusers treated you, you retraumatize them.

[longhair--whitetshirt]

After being away from my tumblr for 9 months, I am back for the first time today.

And I just want to say, this year has been draining to say the least...

Losing one of me and my bf’s good friends at the beginning (even though the man we both knew prior was already gone a year before his passing) has been difficult - especially for him. 

Family issues and essentially having to cut-off communication with my parents for my own mental health, while still learning how to ignore the nasty messages that I randomly receive has been challenging and draining. 

Not being able to see my closest friends except for one time this year has been difficult and honestly heartbreaking at times - without my family, I don’t have much of a support system outside of my bf and that has left me feeling isolated most days. 

Losing another friend of my bf’s just under a month ago - he is still alive, but there is a great chance that we will never see him or speak to him again. He is accused of something very bad (which has been a complete shock to those who knew him), and understandably he will likely never return “home”. I won’t give details as it is still ongoing, but dealing with those complicated emotions on top of everything else is just another difficult situation that we must navigate. 

The holidays creeping up and I am in the least festive mood I have ever felt in recent years. My anxiety has been uncontrollable, even with my medications and switching to different meds in an attempt to help. Plus my depression and bpd are just feeding off of the isolation, heartache, anger, and all of the other complicated emotions I have felt for the past 11+ months. And my mind is feeding off of past trauma that I have experienced - my grandparent’s passing, toxic relationships, traumatic childhood experiences that I had blocked out until recently, etc. 

Long story short, 2022 has been rough. I am going to continue to work on myself and healing - but it will be a process. So for those on here who know me (or have read this all of the way through), please be patient. I am not ignoring you, I am trying my best with what I have right now. I will be better in time. 

I just want to be happy - that is all. 

[longhair--whitetshirt]

I haven't been quite right since Friday. Seeing the box with his name on it made this really real. He isn't here anymore. There are no more laughs and roasts from him. No more game nights at his place just because. No more of being there with everyone like usual, blasting music, eating the BBQ that he so passionately put together all day, playing cards, having some drinks and sharing stories with everyone else. I am going to miss those moments, but ultimately I am going to miss you, my friend.

[longhair--whitetshirt]

You guys. This shit is hard. I didn't think I'd be this impacted by the loss of London. As weird as it sounds, it feels true. He was injured almost a year ago....his TBI injuries stole him from us. Even though he was still alive, he was never going to be the same person we all knew & if we didn't know if he would live a long and healthy life again. Coming to terms with that was difficult...it was almost like we were mourning him before he was gone. Fast forward 10 months and now he is gone, gone. Like, never going to physucally see or talk to again, gone. No more game nights, bbq's, bonfires, and you always giving people trouble and making everyone laugh. It is all gone now. Seeing the man we all knew and cared about condensed to a small box....they carried your ashes past the crowd to the podium. As they walked past me, I saw your name written on the piece of paper that identified your remains...that shit stopped me in my tracks...it was really you - this is all reality. Then came the gun salute and the playing of taps before they folded the flag and handed it to your mother. I couldnt stop crying through the ceremony and have been emotional ever since.

Our friendship was brief, but your impact in my life and through some of the most important years in my life where I was working to find my independence - you were a part of that time of my life and therefore, you will have a spot in my memory for the rest of my life.

I know it will be a process. There will be days where I may not think of you or I do but I am able to maintain my emotions. Then there will be days where the realization that my friend is gone and now all I have are memories comes flooding back and I have a weak moment and let the tears flow. Memories of the most recent times I saw you come flooding back and I have a tough time because I remember thinking that I was so happy knowing that Taylor and I had such a good friend in you, and couldn't wait for our next get together. We will miss you. I am so sorry that this happened to you....you deserved a future and I'm devastated that you were taken from everyone far too soon, but especially from your son. He loved you and you loved him - I know you will continue to be by his side. Rest well, London. I will see you again one day.

[longhair--whitetshirt]

Tomorrow is the day. We will lay our friend to rest...almost a month following his passing. It is going to be a very long and tough day for many.

[longhair--whitetshirt]

Friday the 18th is when we will say our final goodbye to our friend. I still cannot believe this is reality. London, I am so sorry that things turned out this way. You deserved a long, long life with your little boy. I pray that you receive justice for what has happened. Thinking of you my friend. Please send signs to your little boy and family to remind them that you are at peace and still with them - they need that more than ever.