e, fanezra.

we had fallen and could fall no further.

[longpastsunrise]

have you ever looked at someone and think to yourself,

“wow, she’s beautiful.”

and i don’t mean physical attraction, but the feeling of a gentle heart full of scars, yet, so delicate it sends the stars to circle around her words.

so as you love her, you learn to grow beautifully. you learn to understand what it feels like to be with someone that pushes and pulls you at the same time. that someone who wants you close and far.

feelings are complicated: you don’t understand them in one sitting. but it’s when her scent lingers after she left, or her little traces in the messy bed which you always kept tidy stays, you will finally understand.

heart full of scars, smile full of tears,

she is the epitome of love you’ve been searching for.

and yes, i’m in love with her. forever, and always.

[longpastsunrise]

she

keeps

wandering

too

far

[longpastsunrise]

[longpastsunrise]

"you attract what you fear"

we found solace in being alone; as we grow up, what we fear was not being alone [it’s an unwelcomed privilege], but the loneliness that came within.

even in the midst of chaos, in the crowd of people around, we feel invisible; a tide of hurricane in silent downpour. i was not silent, but i cannot say anything. words by words linger around me until it fades into a suffocating emptiness.

loneliness is wide as an ocean; ever changing, ever flowing. it became what we feed him. alas, it has washed over me that i could not fear it anymore.

[longpastsunrise]

to say we must be grateful that he rests - i still hesitate to do so. maybe i should call it one of the great cruelties of life on this earth and maybe we should count him among the martyrs who died with a smile on their face.

“Il [Vincent] voulait mourir ; lorsque je me trouvais à son chevet, je lui ai dit que nous essayerions de la soigner et que nous espérions que cette sorte de désespoir le quitterait, il m’a alors dit : La tristesse durera toujours.”

he himself wanted to die, when i sat at his bedside and said that we would try to get him better and that we hoped that he would then be spared this kind of despair, he said, ‘the sadness will last forever.’

“Je comprends ce qu’il voulait dire par ces mots. Quelques moments plus tard, il a suffoqué et en moins d’une minute il avait fermé les yeux. Un grand repos s’est abattu sur lui dont il n’est jamais revenu.”

i understood what he wanted to say with those words. a few moments later he felt suffocated and within one minute he closed his eyes. a great rest came over him from which he has never returned.

he did not wish to stay alive and his mind was so calm because he had always fought for his convictions, convictions that he had measured against the best and noblest of his predecessors. in the course of time this will surely be acknowledged, and many will regret his early death.

— paris, 5th august 1890; letter from Theo van Gogh to Elisabeth van Gogh.