Hey everyone. We are a traumagenic system of who knows how many, not sure whether DID or OSDD. In therapy, but not officially diagnosed (no access to specialist). They/them collectively preferred. Body is female and 31.
We are syscourse neutral (some alters have differing opinions) and will keep those topics off this blog. Will post about our experiences as a system, and reblog relatable system posts mainly. We try to sign off with names.
Side blogs:
lorelei-pics (nature photography by Nat, Riley, and Moss)
dannylovesart (art reblogs by danny)
poemsbymidnight (poetry posts made by Midnight)
read-by-noelle (book and Christmas theme blog by Noelle)
lorelei-dreams (blog for the younger alters, specifically Nini, Sophie, Bee, and Moss)
Currently fronting: Ace
Alters relevant to this blog:
Poppy:
- age: 15
- pronouns: she/ her or it/its
- system host
- favorite color: black
- possible BPD/ depression symptom holder
- host of the grief subsystem
- link to subsystem post
- tags: #poppy speaks #poppy reblogs
Nini:
- age: 3-4
- pronouns: she/her
- loves plushies
- trauma holder
- tags: #nini #nini reblob #nini’s art
Phoebe:
- age: 18
- pronouns: she/her
- likes/ wants to go into psychology
- finds our system fascinating, loves to find out more/ think about how our system works
- Phoebe and Bee used to be one alter, but they split into two: a kid and an adult version (they see themselves as sisters)
- tags: #phoebe speaks #phoebe reblogs
Bee:
- Pronouns: she/her
- Age: 12 (but acts/ feels younger, she just calls herself 12)
- likes pastel colors
- attached to memories of parentification/ dealing with our mom during childhood and teen years
- Just wants to get to be a child
- used to be the same alter as Phoebe, but they split into two, so now she gets to just be a child instead of being an age slider who's constantly stuck between wanting to be a child and needing to be a responsible adult)
Tags: #bee speaks, #bee reblogs
Ace:
- age: 18
- pronouns: they/ them (preferred) or he/him
- agender and asexual
- caring and sweet
- likes languages, crochet, video games, and puzzles
- tags: #ace speaks
Nick:
- age: 15
- pronouns: he/him (trans masc)
- likes watching Criminal Minds
- tags: #nick speaks
Ruby:
- age: 20
- pronouns: she/her, but any are fine
- impulsive and fun-loving
- I love cooking, listening to music and getting stuff done
- the “productivity alter”
- mood booster?
- tags: #ruby speaks
Lucy:
- age: 26
- pronouns: she/her
- reckless and careless
- into some messed-up stuff
- probably a persecutor in the self-destructive way
- tags: #lucy speaks
Moss:
- Age: 3-7
- Pronouns: they/bug (non-binary)
- loves nature
- currently obsessed with trees, specifically evergreens, more specifically pine trees
- also loves stim toys; possible autism/ ADHD symptom holder (we’re not formally diagnosed with either, hence the “possible”)
- has green hair, brown eyes, insect wings and antennae (in innerworld obviously)
Tags: #moss talk
Max:
- age: 20 something
- pronouns: he/him
- straight trans guy
- likes birds
- tags: #max speaks
Lisa:
- pronouns: she/her
- adult
- lesbian
- loves writing (mostly original fiction)
- tags: #lisa speaks
Riley:
- pronouns: she/her
- teenager (16-18?)
- self-proclaimed rebel
- I love everything black
- love spooky season and rain
- I enjoy rock music and am currently getting into programming
- tags: #riley speaks
Danny:
- pronouns: he/him
- teen
- into art (+ history) and music (+ history)
- loves looking at art, and making art
- has to relearn so back to being a beginner artist (but that’s okay)
- tags: #danny’s tag #art
Kayla:
- pronouns: she/her
- mid or young teen
- really into fashion
- enjoys dressing up
- attached to memories of being a teenager, hanging out at the mall with friends specifically
- likes being perceived as cute and cool and pretty
- actually likes how our body looks
- tags: #kayla😎
Sophie:
- Pronouns: she/her
- Age: 8 (but acts older)
- likes glitter, pastel colors, animals, coloring, the show "Sofia the First" (name inspiration)
- shy but sweet
- tags: #sophie talks #sophie reblogs
Midnight
- pronouns: none, doesn't want to be referred to, but if needed she/her or they/them
- child
- depression/ trauma holder
- only fronts when triggered badly
- negativity, feels hated
- doesn't want to be perceived, wants to be invisible or disappear, doesn't want to be touched
- afraid
- makes posts that are poems that don't rhyme to express and distract herself
Here’s the thing I feel like a lot of folks don’t get: I’m not trying to forget what you said. Honestly, I really tried not to. I can’t control what I do and don’t remember—forgetting things just happens. It’s annoying for you, I know, but for me it’s distressing as hell and when you make a big deal out of it rather than just reminding me you make me feel ashamed. I’ll remember that, at least.
It costs you nothing to be kind to people with memory problems. Please. It’s scary enough without people treating memory lapses as a personal failing.
I may be an adult physically, but on the inside I'm still just a scared little kid wondering why I'm unloved, and confused why nobody wants to play with me.
Honestly one reason I haven't been active much on Tumblr is that I'm currently considering the possibility that I dont have DID and instead just have bipolar. So thats been fun. Also I have no access to treatment. Either way. I dont know. Like that's the thing, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for 14 years and I still don't know for sure, and nobody ever wants to help me. It sucks so bad. Feels like I need to be worth for people to notice/ help me but that would also most likely ruin my life.
(Cutting off here because long rambly post. But genuine question in last three paragraphs.)
I hate that one day everything seems to make sense, and the next im like "no that actually doesn't make sense at all". And whenever I try to get help they just misunderstand me and show that they have no idea how to even talk to someone showing signs of mental illness.
Like maybe i was in an episode. Maybe my therapist was right to say I need to be on meds. But her refusal to elaborate as to why made me so paranoid, I couldn't bear ever seeing her again. And now I have no one. And I'm stuck in this situation where maybe I should be on meds but I've run out of people that I would trust with that.
I even considered trying to contact my therapist, telling her that I think i was in some kind of bipolar episode the last time we talked, and apologizing, and seeing if that makes sense to her and if she'd still be willing to help.
But I still don't trust her. Because even if you think a patient is not in their right mind, you should still try to help them instead of just insisting on them taking meds without telling them why you think they need meds (and what kind of meds). She just refused to tell me anything, so I still don't trust her to help me. I just need a psychiatrist and therapist that are willing to be honest with me. Because otherwise all you end up doing is losing me as a patient, and making me feel paranoid and alone.
I know I'm rambling, but that's why I've gone quiet. Just trying to figure things out again, trying to make things make sense again.
(Question:)
Also, I'm scared to even ask but does anyone know if it's possible to believe you are a system as part of a delusion? Because I know that's what's floated around as an insult on here a lot. But I dont know if it's actually true, or just idiots trying to be mean to people. Like, has anyone ever been diagnosed with some kind of condition with psychotic features, after believing they were part of a system?
Not saying that's necessarily what's going on with me, but i realized I've never heard of any delusions like that. Like can you have a genuine delusion that you have a mental illness you don't have?
Sorry this is super long. I'm just in a mood. No one is gonna read all that but I'll post it just in case.
Im sick and tired of being hated for something I can't control. I'm not allowed to show symptoms of mental illness. Nobody wants to put up with me, but if I even consider removing myself from the equation forever, I'm cruel. I cant do anything right.
Im just so sick of people acting like I'm just lazy when im depressed. Nobody gets it. No matter what I do, I'm the villain in everyone's story.
