Loriann Marie @loriannmarie - Tumblr Blog

I am competing in a competition that I did not sign up for. I’m trying to fill an already filled position. i’ll serve you over and over as my parents demand and i will get nothing in the end. i will cry and wish to not be alive. I want to live, i just wish the pain would end. Second best and nothing extrodanary from the rest. i’ll never be enough because you are the perfect person for them, so i will wallow in misery until i’m eighteen. Maybe when I leave I will be seen. Then it will be too late and nothing my parents could ever say or do could make me open the door. They will finally have the only child they wanted and I will be free. I am competing in a competition that I did not sign up for.

i want to run but I can’t

He stripped me of the colors I painted for the world to see and saw me as something perfect without the bright red highlights blinding a bypasser from seeing the agonizing flaws that contained me, that held me captive, he saw me as perfect without the brilliant colors mixed just perfectly to appeal to every set of eyes that chose to look. It is the type of love that you just know. It is not the type of love that makes you weak in the knees. It is not the type of love that makes you question every other lover and their purpose, because you know. It is the type of love that felt like home, the type of love where a room with four walls just didn’t fill you up anymore. It is the type of love that everything adds up perfectly. The love where there are hiccups, heartbreaks, struggles, but it was the type of love that you just know.

if you know, you know.

I am an immense paradox. I have days when the sun does not shine harshly enough, days when the warmth could never be enough to satisfy my urge to feel happiness. Then I have days, where even a glimmer of the moonlight becomes too bright, and the warmth of the sunshine only reminds me of the empty shallowness that lies within my soul, and provides me with the realization that I will never feel that happiness.

-via loriannmarie 6:51 p.m

And I stood there, pressed up against my car, as his truck was going sixty miles per hour towards me, and I didn’t flinch. I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted him to hit me, I wanted him to take the breath out of my already lifeless body. I was not living, and I still am not. I am existing, and even that is an exaggeration; I am simply just breathing.

Via- loriannmarie (8:37 am)

As odd as this sounds, I was not angry when I found out he had someone else. He was broken before I met him, he felt as though he had to have every girl in the world to feel whole. He didn’t love himself. He found his self worth in the amount of bodies he had. There is no piecing people like that back together, because they do not wish to be pieced back together. You simply can not complete a puzzle, if it is missing pieces.

Via loriannmarie (change begins and ends with you.)

When I was younger, and I would get hurt, my dad would always say, “it’s okay, you’re not hurt, it just scared you.” And when you left, I don’t think it hurt, I think it just scared me. I was so scared of being alone, scared of moving on, scared of living a life without you, scared of not knowing who I was, but now I’m here, and I know exactly who I am, I am fearless.

Via- Loriannmarie

I used to think the sun wouldn’t shine without him, but then I realized that sometimes a little rain is all we need.

-loriannmarie

I had a bad day today. I’ve been having a lot of those recently. It’s my depression’s way of inviting itself back into the crevices of my mind. My soul. My happiness.

loriannmarie

I feel like we’re all obsessed with the idea that it “won’t be us.” That something so tragic could never happen to us. So we parade around the world with our eyes closed and our hearts selfish. We don’t say I love you, when we want too because it won’t be us. We don’t embrace our family and friends because it won’t be us. We don’t make our beds and take care of our selves because well, it won’t be us. But there comes a day, when the world is heavy, and it is you. There comes a day where you have to wake up the next morning and continue on without the person you love. There comes a day where you’ll take your last breath, and you’ll regret all the moment you let slip because you were oblivious to how the world robs you of your only reason to breathe.

-it will always be us.

People use me, and then throw me away. Scratch that. People use me, and then recycle me. I sit hollow and still, as I am picked up and used for what I can do and not loved for who I am. I am picked up, made to do the task, then I am placed away, in a small box, like that piece of jewelry your grandma gave you. Though the jewelry has worth and I have none. I allow myself to be tossed around like a rag doll, because even though I am being used, at least I am useful. You see I am so afraid of being alone, but that’s all I say. Please go. but I hope that you stay. I hope that you see i’m dying. I hope that you see that I am crying out for help. I’m so anxious to feel love for I do not love myself. I am a trophy put on display, one of those “hey at least you tried” trophies. You see i’m the participation ribbon that was given out, but left on the ground as the day continued on because no one wants a participation ribbon. No one wants me as a whole. because I, I am meaningless.

-via loriannmarie

And it’s in those moments, when you’re sitting in class, wondering what’s wrong with you. Wondering why, out of everyone you were chosen to have to struggle with this immense pain. Why you had to be the one who falls apart. “Broken hearts don’t last forever” and you replay that sentence, and you replay that sentence, and you replay that sentence until it is mentally beaten into your brain, until the sound of the sentence makes you so sick your lip quivers. Until you get so angry and so annoyed with the phrase because who ever came up with that disastrous fragmentation of words lied, because your heart is broken. Because your heart has been broken for so long. Because you’re at the point where the sunlight seems no more. And then it hits you. It hits you like the sun hits the snow. It hits you like a freight train coming to a halt. It hits you, that your heart is not broken, it is only your soul that is broken; your heart has done no wrong; your heart has not broken off into pieces. And darling once you realize that, there is no coming up for air. Because that’s the moment you realize that you are permanently damaged. And that alone does a world of difference.

Via loriannmarie// And so I guess I’m drowning

And just as the sun beamed off the snow, highlighting it's immense beauty, before melting it away slowly; until the only remainder of its uniqueness was an ounce of water accompanied by the ground; found virtually anywhere; you highlighted my soul, you highlighted my uniqueness, only until your draining words, overwhelming actions, and constant put downs, began to slowly eat away at me. Until I was only a speck, emotionally just a grain, and just another person, you can find virtually anywhere.

Via loriannmarie// who am I.

I don't try anymore. That is a sorry thing to say, and the more I say it, the more I realize how true it is. I have spent months, rebuilding myself. I have spent months, trying to come out from this dark hole. I have spent months, trying. All for what? For one shitty night to bring me back to square one? All that effort, doesn't mean anything anymore. I don't try anymore, because for someone like me, there is not point in it.

Via loriannmarie: it's been awhile.

I have spent nights, crying because I used to blame myself for you leaving. Maybe if I had been a better girlfriend, you would have stayed. Maybe if I painted my nails that shade of blue you love, you would have stayed. Or maybe if I didn’t laugh at everything you would of stayed. I did not want to be who I was anymore, because you did not stay. You taught me how to hate myself, not how to love myself, and the moment I realized that, is the moment I understood, that regardless of how much I wanted it to be, what we had was simply not love.

via loriannmarie//I have to let you go.

I’ve found that it's easier to let you go, not because I don’t love you anymore, but because it’s less painful that way.

vialoriannmarie// sad souls.

That’s the thing about people. They tell you how worthless you are when they’re mad at you. They get over it in an hour, and you’ll be stuck contemplating suicide. Writing the words they spoke with a blade into your skin.

via loriannmarie// I lied I’m not okay.

I wish I could say I've never felt this way, but the truth is, I have, maybe not since May, but I have. Sometimes the phrase "I love you." is hard to say because I'm scared that in a year from now, you'll just be another name. Maybe when they tell you that love never goes away, they're talking about the pain. I wish I could say I look at love the same way, but pain changes you, and after that, there's nothing that can save the old you. I guess that's what happens when another piece of you is ripped away. I guess that's what happens when love gets the best of you.

via loriannmarie// 10:45 pm.

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