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@loserlongan
wlwing out rn cause why is she like rlly fine 🙂↕️
i don’t wanna say anything though cause it’d be a distraction from,., the real issues.
she is cute though… i think she thinks i’m fine too but ion know what her interests are so ion wanna say anything im deadass graduating…
leaving for class this morning and here i get a message going “life update for chat i have a boyfriend” what if i shot myself
then when a friend says they’re going to do work with them in the labs before our design meeting and i agree stupidly because my brain short circuited and now here i am having to watch all of them spill the beans to everyone and im just sitting here like 😀. like why is life playing in my face rn. this is not fucking fair. what did i even do to deserve this.
and they’re talking about doing a fucking formal meeting for the gang and i’m not emotionally equipped to be dealing with this ever and i don’t even know what to do.
i need to be normal because people will notice if i’m not normal and i need to be happy because im just SOOOOO glad everything worked out for them like truly they are a match made in heaven for sure.
and i want nothing more than to talk to bro and be with bro again just like old times but i can’t because now i wont be able to get these emotions out of me to the point where i can be normal again and its going fuck. me. up.
how am i supposed to be happy like everyone else when all i can think about is having to lie to everyone for probably the rest of my life. i’m not stupid enough to believe that i won’t ever get over this but at this very moment it feels like i wont unless i distance myself from my friends which i really dont want to do because i love them. but i dont know what else or how else to deal with this. because everyone is so happy for them and i should be too but im just. all im thinking about is lying. and keeping a secret that can never get out. and i can’t even talk to them because i don’t want to put them in a position that is awkward and.
honestly maybe apart of me is afraid of what they’ll have to say. that maybe they’ll tell me i’m being ridiculous. and that i need to get over it and suck it up. i don’t think they would but. i don’t know. i’m overthinking it.
it doesn’t change the fact that they need to be happy for her because i can’t. and the only way in my mind that i can truly keep this from being problematic and about me is. by never telling them. any of them.
so i’m going to have to distance myself and make them think that maybe i’ve moved on. that i’ve made better friends or that ive found people beyond them and left them behind. because it’s the only way. but i don’t want them to think i left them and i don’t want them to think that im not prioritizing them anymore especially not before im fucking graduating and LEAVING EVERYONE.
and maybe the root of all of these emotions is the fact that i’m graduating and i just really wanted to live in the bubble ive created here for a few more months. where i have everyone and everyone has me, and maybe im just extra dramatic because im just worried about this being that big to tear me away from them because at the end of the day, not saying anything makes me the villain in the situation. the one who isn’t happy. the one who isn’t normal.
well fine then. i guess this is my life now for the next month.
yall make me sick fr
I LIED I GIVE A FUCK. I GIVE TOO MANY FUCKS.
watching them cuddle up together to do work GAG. ROLLING MY EYES SO FUCKING HARD.
nobodh in this room is understanding how pissy i’m being rn i feel like a child throwing a tantrum because i lowkey am but yk what idgaf anymore
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FICK FICK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FICKF CIM FICKF CIL
WHAT am i even supposed to say that i went to bed with a fucking headache and was awake at 10:30 am but then all of a sudden it’s 1:28 pm and i don’t know where the fuck the time went????????? BRO I DDINT OICK UP THE PGONE. I DIDNT. IM FREAKING THE FUCK OJT THIS IS SO GROSS IM GOING TO DIE
she just called me apparently i’m fine but also my excuse sounds so dumb and it is dumb. because IM. DUMB.
i need to apologize to the team now
that was fucking scary
you don't even know how your happiness affects mine do you
are my senior years of school just cursed or smth like why both high school and college senior years lowkey ruined by stupid shit like feelings.
i suppose i’m a masochist for doing this to myself… asking about what’s going on in their life knowing he’s all that’s going on. but. i’m a friend so.
how do i be someone’s friend when the biggest thing in their life right now reminds me of what i cannot have
i guess this album is officially the trademark album of my senior year at college congratulations mico. you beautiful tortured mind you.
lowkey knew it was over once bro started going over to his house but i didn’t wanna believe it tbh
fuck my stupid chungus life this weekend is going to be so awkward.
i don’t hate being with them but i lowkey hate being with them i don’t know what the vibe is guys there are some things she be doing with me that im like !!!!!!-2!2!-: oh my god is she’s into me YES but at the same time she be bantering with him and shit and idek anymore.
realistically they’re prolly:
1) not into either of us at all
2) into him
bro probably just sees me as family or some shit like
i have 0 faith i fear because even if i did have faith what the FUCK WOILD I DO THEN. having no faith is the easiest way because what if things are mutual between us ?? there are literally too many identity factors playing against us right now like bro is literally asexual and i am not and idek what that would mean for us and idek if i would be able to treat someone who’s asexual well because like i don’t rlly know how important sex would be to me in a relationship and like im under the assumption that i would you know. LIKE TO HAVE IT. LKKE I DONT WANNA FUCKING AGREE TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHOS ASEXUAL AND THEN HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH THEM BECAUSE OF IT NOT WHEN THEY ALREADY FEAR THEY WOMT FIND SOMEOME BECAUSE THEYRE ASEXUAL LIKE I COULD NOT DO THAT TO THEM I CANT.
plus there’s the whole i’m intrinsically afraid i’m going to fuck up every romantic relationship i’ve ever had ever because i don’t even know what the fuck commitment is because my parents definitely didn’t and like AJTJRJEJSJAJJADDJDJDHDHHHWAAAHAAHAHAHHJWJWJJJJJAJAJA i hate it here. AND WHAT IF WE DONT WORK OUT LIKE WHAT HAPPENS TO THE FRINDGEOUP THEN IM SICK THIS IS SICKENING I HATE IT HERE CRUSHES ARE SO FUCKJNG GROSS.
i am so afraid of romantic anything when it’s happening to me and it’s real. for good reason too. i go crazy. like literally crazy. with peter with matthew like. even now im literally going insane i cant with this like i just cant this is so scary and too mf much like. i be dreaming about perfect romance stories and ingesting all this romance media fan made or not and here i am, pathetic as fuck. afraid of what could very possibly bring me so much joy.
i guess all these excuses i’m worrying about is just me distracting myself from the fact that if i really wanted to i would. if i really did. is it worth risking? is this worth taking a chance on,,,? is it worth feeling insane for a potential good ending? is it worth getting over fears and issues i know are unhealthy and changing for the better? is it worth exploring a new part of myself with someone and putting trust in the situation to turn out okay..? is it worth trusting that im a good person and won’t fuck this up like i fucked everything else up…?
is she worth facing all of these unknowns and actually dealing with them?
is she worth everything?
im such a coward.
looking back at this now i can admit i was trying my best to be hopeful and tell myself they’re just not into anyone but i always knew the second would be true. i knew it in my soul. i just didn’t wanna believe it
i was right. they like him. he likes them. he kissed their forehead. i don’t even know how to feel anymore i just. this is why i don’t do crushes i never get who i want i never get the same emotions back it never works out for me.
they’re now asking for realistic advice i cannot give. because i am the most biased person on the planet. and i will not control their actions unwillingly based on my own selfish desires.
im so. fucked.
every time they’re at his house i lowkey die inside im so insane. it is so embarrassing to be threatened by the presence of a man…. he’s cool fr but like ARJFJSJXJDKXKSMSMAS