Losing Katie

Discovering Life

[losinghalfahuman-blog]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... or does it?

5 weeks ago I would have caved if today occurred back then.

It’s amazing how so much can change in such a short space of time, when you recognise patterns in your behaviour, and consciously try to alter your thought process.

I am living proof this can happen.

Just 5 short weeks ago I was an utter mess, a girl who had zero hope of a future as all I could see was my impending death, if I didn’t change, and truth be told I thought it was going to end up the same as the other 900 times I’ve tried to change my life… but this isn’t the case anymore.

5 weeks later and 1 stone 4 lbs down I am walking better, I don’t feel like my legs are splitting in half anymore when I stand from a low seated position and I can climb the stairs without pulling myself up with the hand rail… and the best thing I have noticed is when walking down steps I am doing so without having to stop for a second before I can step down due to fear of missing it.

On Friday I walked from the bus station to my room booking without stopping once… two weeks ago I stopped twice and couldn’t get my breath by the time I got to the entrance of the building. (Ironically I had to lean on a wall next to a weight watchers advertisement ha ha!)

I can’t believe such a small amount of weight has made such a difference to my life. I am not cured, it still hurts, I still ache, I still struggle to walk, I am just walking longer than a few weeks ago… but this is all progress. It’s great seeing the lbs come off week by week, but I am at a point where the physical signs and symptoms of this weight loss are much greater than that, and this is what is pushing me on, because if one stone in I am seeing this much of a difference, where am I going to be by stone two, three and even FIVE?!

My dream is to run again. I used to love running. I used to run three miles regularly, sometimes six. When my emotions were reaching boiling point I would run until I felt my lungs were gonna burst, that way I would REALLY feel alive and my emotions would dissolve.

I have a friend who is pregnant at the moment who loves to run also, so one day I hope I can go on a run with her, somewhere nice. I know she would be so proud!

But on to the main purpose of this post; Today I found out someone in my family has been telling lies about me for their own personal gain, I don’t know what they hope to gain from it but hey ho? Not everyone has the standard of morals a genuine normal person likes to uphold do they…

This to me is betrayal, family is supposed to stick together, but I’m quickly learning most of my family has a less than adequate amount of stick and about as much tact as an exceptionally bad case of projectile vomit and the squirts.

I take character defamation as serious as treason and if you cross that line with me you are out (for some reason I’m really struggling not to write this post in Yorkshire slang - e.g. “Thas out” ) ha.

My natural reaction to stressful situations is food, and lots of it… but it never even entered my head??? Not until now, laid in bed reflecting on the day, have I realised I never once got the usual ‘fu*k it get the bread and cheese out’ run through my mind.

Slowly the volume of that negative voice inside is lowering and a much kinder version of it is filtering through the noise I have become so attuned to over the past 9 or so years.

So there we have it, a much more positive and hopeful me has so far been revealed whilst stripping away this 1 st 4lbs worth of layers.

I can’t wait to see where I am in another stones time… something which gives me so much hope and determination to make my future much brighter than the bleak one I was faced with and still am if I don’t keep this up, but that for me is out of the question.

I love life, genuinely & I have so much love to give the people I care for, that there’s no way I am giving up on this world and the people in it. I am fighting each day with everything I have to make it to the next in order to open up a new chapter for myself and loved ones.

I have nieces and nephews to make in to flower girls and Paige boys at my wedding one day - where I’ll be wearing my dream dress from a normal person shop, not a heff brides are us!

TBC…

[losinghalfahuman-blog]

Battle One Won

There’s something about standing half naked at 12am staring blankly into your open fridge that just screams, sort your life out, fool. - a period can do that to you.

Today has been a sincere struggle. The first of what will become many, I’m sure.

There’s no polite or fancy way of saying it, but when you are shedding the inside of your womb like a crusty old reptile, the last thing on your mind is a salad.

My body is yearning for chocolate. I’m not even a chocolate lover! I’m allergic to it!!! Yet there I was 12am staring into the fridge willing myself not to slam my jaws round the plastic syn tub and swallow it whole, digesting it slowly like the shedding snake of my womb would. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’d happily have done it. I stood and pictured myself sitting in bed suckin on a chomp before ramming a break away down my throat…

Then came the absolute shocker, I closed the door and walked away.

It was there for the taking, I didn’t even have to hunt for the prey. It was all there but I chose to ignore my body and go with my heart.

As pathetic as that may be to you, that is a huge victory for me. My equivalent of “one giant leap for mankind”.

I said no to myself.

One thing I absolutely lack is self discipline and that applies to all areas of my life. If I want something I have got to have it.

I’m now laid in bed writing this on my phone, imagining what I would have been doing now if I took what I wanted at that moment.

I’d no doubt be sucked back into the circle of shame, I’d feel bad, I would be having negative thoughts about myself, I’d be doubting my ability to really carry this out, and I’d probably fall off completely, because I’d have proved all the pre-existing negativity right, that I won’t succeed again, because I just can’t be hard on myself and I’m a fat worthless failure with nothing to offer myself never mind the world…

So the little voice that said, “think of the possible unborn baby you will have to carry about in that shedding womb one day” - I thank you!

To the tiny part of me strong enough to shine through and remind myself of how the people who love me are counting on me and routing for me - I promise I’ll build you up and you’ll be a dominant and present part of me once again.

My unconvinced and unborn child played a part in saving my life tonight. But most importantly I found the strength to go against my impulse and I won the first real battle in the fight for my life.

The slowly fading half of me (11lbs down) is currently quivering, desperately trying to cling on to every morsel of my being, but it’s losing grip and my hidden half is beaming, because it’s had it’s first victory in a long long time.

These are the times to really sit up and take note of, not the days it’s a breeze.

All the excitement and novelty has quickly faded and the gravity of my changing life is starting to take effect, but still I’m here, and I won this one.

I just have one last thing to say…

F**k being a woman.

[losinghalfahuman-blog]

[weightloss-motivationinspir-blog]

~~~ Mindset ~~~

[quotethat]

Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.

Sigmund Freud (via quotethat)

[losinghalfahuman-blog]

Emotions Running High!

For the past week I have been in a bubble.

I’ve been caught up in all this positivity from taking action after spending so long on the downward.

Today the real world came to bite me in the arse.

I’ve been happily blogging all my food etc on instagram and facebook, without taking a second to really let any emotions settle.

I have gotten a little carried away and it hit me today that I’m heading down the same path of every other time I have started this weight loss journey. Starting on such a high and putting EVERYTHING in to this, so that eventually I burn out.

So I am taking the time to myself tonight to reflect and tap into my emotions, in order to slow myself down and gauge some sense of direction.

One thing that is definitely different this time is that I have never felt SCARED to fail. I truly believe this fear is going to push me further than I’ve ever been pushed before. - Dramatic or not, I am fighting for my life at this point.

Today I have felt emotions I didn’t know were available to me anymore. I watched a video of a guy who had lost approx 20 stone in 15 months.

I have spent endless hours searching through instagram looking at weight loss stories, feeling inspired, but for some reason this video really brought so much ignored emotion to the surface.

James asked me why it made me so upset, the answer was simply, because I want it to be me. Because watching that man change his life made me sad, he was an old man who had struggled all of his life, and now in his old age he is living again, but for how long?

I am 28. I really have a chance here, I have my whole life ahead of me and the longer I sit in this mess, in this prison of a body, the more time I will waste, the more opportunities I will miss, the more prejudice I will face. - I do not want this life, I am so better than this. My parents didn’t have me so I could kill myself with my own habits. I am their only child. I am the only one who can give them grandchildren. I’m the only one my Dad can walk down the isle or share a father daughter dance with. I’m the only one who can hold their hands when they are grey and old. I don’t want their time to come, alone, wishing their daughter didn't give up on herself and life.

My heart breaks for this impending future which right now is their reality - if I do not change. My time is now.  

So today I cried, I got anxious, I panicked, I was overwhelmed by the extent of dedication I have to somehow cook up and keep simmering on the surface, and not let ANYTHING cool me down or dilute my enthusiasm for a life I can enjoy with those around me.

Which brings me on to something I have had eating away at me for a few days now. Friends.

I’ve come to realise that this journey isn’t just about weight loss, to be successful I need to makeover my whole life.

It’s no secret I have people in my life who live to see me fail and also expect it. I need to work on surrounding myself with people who want to encourage healthy habits and living a positive life. - I also have so many supportive people around me that phasing this negativity out should be relatively easy. But time will tell, and I am sure this journey will reveal to me the people who really do sincerely care.

There’s more to supporting someone in my position than applauding when the numbers fall on the scales. It’s about encouraging change but most of all ACCEPTING it, because along this road I will have to make so many changes to my life, whether it be the places I go, to what I do for fun. - Change isn't easy for anyone but...These changes will happen, with or without you.

Drinking and eating are something I will still enjoy, but not every weekend and definitely not to excess.

I know my dearest friends and loved ones will be reading this, so please, if you truly do support me, the one thing I ask of you is to be accepting, accept that for the next year of my life I won’t be getting pissed up on a weekend, I wont be going for multiple meals out, I won’t be having weekends in with pizza and lager.

 I will be the ‘boring’ sober one, turning up with a mug shot or a tub of home made soup. Not because I am neglecting our friendship and the things we enjoy, but because I want to be around in the long term to join in with EVERYTHING. I’m doing this because I love you as much as I love myself, I’m doing this so I’m not the one holding you back, so we no longer have to plan trips or days our around my back pain and inability to walk more than 100 yards. So we can dance the nights away again, and so you can see that silly old me again behind my eyes. - Not a self conscious shell of a human being, paranoid that the next table are laughing at me, or you for being friends with a beast.

Also please know now that telling me I am fine as I am is 100% detrimental to my health and determination to succeed, know that telling me it's what’s on the inside that counts is bullshit, unless you are referring to the failing heart, kidneys and liver inside my feeble morbidly obese prison of a body.

So allow me to be selfish, allow me have this year to find me again.

We are fast approaching 30 together, amazing things are happening, people are getting married and having children.

I want to approach 40 with you, watching your children grow and your marriages thrive or fail, I want to be here to support you through YOUR life, knowing you were 100% behind me, as my loving, supportive fat friendly friend in my hour of need.

[losinghalfahuman-blog]

Note to Self: Read When Weak.

Everyone needs meaning, reasons behind the things they do and trust me there are many reasons as to why I want to be healthy and make better life choices. Like the back pain, the ankle pain, the tiredness etc.

But pain fades, and then it’s easy to forget why it’s so important to stay on this journey and see it through.

I’ve been here plenty times before, January, April, September, so many times I’ve started this journey only to end up back at the start. Today is one of those days, I’ve cleared the fridge out and I’ve chucked anything remotely desirable in the bin. Apart from the prosecco… for the three stone celebration of course. 😉(three st is my target #one, I never hit over three st)

So I’m all ready to embark on this journey. How do I know it’s different this time? Because it has to be and I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than to smile and mean it again.

My friend gave me the idea of writing a blog along the way, he knows me and my appetite for a long winded rant about life, so he thought it would be an enjoyable experience to write about my journey and also give me something to look back on. Hence ‘read when weak’ in the title of this post.

I’m an emotional person, and I feel it necessary to express my emotions, otherwise they would literally cause a melt down. I find late night when I’m left alone with my thoughts is when I am at my most expressive - in the dark! So expect lots of late night posting. I tend to spill my guts at night, then wake up not even remembering, only to cringe once reminded!

Anyway… on with the actual post.

There are four people in the picture above. My parents, my partner and myself.

These four people are the bones of me. These four people are the reason I breath.

James - we met when I was 10st lighter, long blonde hair and brimming with confidence. I’d found myself again after unwillingly leaving behind a relationship I thought I’d be in for the rest of my life.

I didn’t want another man. I didn’t want anyone. But I knew the very first time I met him that we were going to be together. As much as I tried to fight it, here we are nearly three years later, a house, two rabbits, two cats and a shit load of love for each other.

He fell in love with me at my best, and he still loves me at my worst.

My parents - I know just about everyone loves their parents unconditionally, but seriously now. I am the luckiest girl on this earth to have my mum and dad. Not only do I have two of the biggest supporters I could ask for, I have two best friends I never asked for. It just happened. The love that fills my heart for them is overwhelming and it rips me apart knowing they have had to see me struggle through life they way I have this past year and a half.

They say do it for yourself, I am. I’m doing it for the girl in that picture, who could walk more than 5 meters without feeling she’s going to drop. The girl who felt life was just beginning for her and faced every brick wall head on without fear or feeling hopeless.

Today I’ve felt hope for the first time in I can’t even tell you how long. I’ve spent so long doubting myself, beating myself up for what I’ve become. I’ve spent so much time I can never reclaim grieving for the life I should be living.

This time next year I will be alive, and I will be living. I won’t just be present observing my friends and families lives happening around me. I’ll be proud of who I am.

For me, for my parents and for James.

The people who give me a reason to breath and keep trying. The people who have supported me through my darkest days. My biggest motivators and my biggest supporters.

Yes I’m doing this for my health, I’m doing it to help the pain of existing in this body, I’m doing it so I can have children and see the world. I’m doing it because I’m the only person who can make my parents grandparents. I’m doing this because right now I’m a prisoner in my own flesh. I’m doing it because I want more. I want to put my socks on standing up.

So Katie, if you are reading back on this and you are feeling weak, how proud are you of the person you are today? Get your shit together, we aren’t wasting another year. Become the after photo, beat your demons, we have overcome worse than not eating crap that’s bad for us anyway!!! It’s fried chicken or it’s cheese, get over it. Stay on this road, dead chicken is not worth our life.

The people who love you want to see you succeed. They wanna see you happy and your dad wants you to kick his arse play fighting again like the good old days. Mum wants to share clothes! James deserves a woman who can be there for him as he is for us. He’s the most amazing man we could wish for. He’s the person who showers us when we are poorly and unwillingly rubs our feet. He’s put cream on our bum for us when we had an anal fissure for lord sake. We can not let him down.

Finally think of the people who are doubting us right now, the ones who’ve said we will never do this. Be the bitch you are and prove they don’t know shit.

WE can do this.