Life of a Nameless Lost Boy... @lostboy5-blog - Tumblr Blog

Blessings and Curses

Wow... I'm surprised I didn't post anything in September considering how what happened then has changed my life for the harder.

I'm not here for myself. I'm here for my research, if somehow still possible my degree, here for others like me and here for two people that remind me it wasn't my fault and that I am loved.

While not making a lot of progress in finances the way I want, I'm at least treading water finally instead of sinking below and swallowing the water. Just wish I could take the gift of a vehicle from a friend. The finances don't show how I can do that though. I'm tired, so very tired and I don't know how I'll get through.

Also, busybodies suck.

6.10.25 2.38a

Help isn't always help

Why do people coming in to help someone *not listen* to the person they are helping? I may have lost a safety cooking gadget because the person that came to help with groceries insisted on cleaning the unit after I explained you aren't supposed to and why. I've wiped the droplets away that I could but I believe the unit is now not going to work. They insisted on doing dishes, fine, even though that was not part of the plan either. Just... why do people think their way is the right way? And why do you question someone's methods when you don't live there? This happens any time someone comes to help. I truly believe that people that see a mess believe you don't have methods, reasons or good explanations. I pray I get in home help and that if I do, that they listen to me. I'm now completely stressed out while feeling poorly, all because someone decided to know what was best for a cooking item they have never used or read the manual of.

3.28.25 evening

Please help. I cannot remember the word. The sticker is gone. I don't remember which vendor, but I am pretty sure was at AB. Thanks for any help. 10.14.24 6.23a

#tardis #whovian #doctor who #gallifrey

Poem

I used to be silent

Then I began to speak

But you weren't listening

I tried to speak more clearly

To find us playing Telephone

So I'll walk back to the beginning

And you keep up the story.

I'm too tired to speak.

It's okay, you know my story better than I.

5.27.24 10:47p

First time I think

I think this is the first time Ally McBeal won't be available to me to watch holiday episodes. Watched the show with my mom before she passed. And I ...didn't realise...how helpful watching some of the episodes during this difficult time of year has been...until now. It's too late to buy the show before the new year...and I hadn't bought in the past few months because of the cost. This feels weird...and breaks a tradition I didn't really raelise I'd created over the years. Makes me not want to watch anything holiday. I already am thinking of not putting up the tree I've had in the abode for months.

Just...weird...to realise something...in the eleventh hour.

12.16.23 5:57am

Masking isn't just for mental health conditions. It took 3 years and a major life crisis for my new health team to realise I've masked my medical conditions. I didn't know the term, but in that crisis I realised I've done it my entire life.

We need to acknowledge the reality. Doctors in all fields need to be more compassionate and actually ask how things are and to believe the pain people are in. So many people are denied disability, care and other resources because they have to put on a mask because otherwise they're told that they are exaggerating their symptoms. We still are highly ignored if we don't have a decent practitioner and family and friends say "you'll know tired when you're an adult, you'll know tired when you have kids".

The truth is unless you experience a chronic illness you don't understand. I don't wish it upon anyone but the world needs to stop this ableist shit so we don't have to mask.

Normalize the reality.

8.13.23 @10.37p

#masking is exhausting #disability #chronic illness

I can't

I can't anymore. I justcan't. I dont know how to keep going. I keep messing up, loaing people. I keep javing this stupid cyxle with my body and mind. I dont know and i dont care. I cant handle this. I just want to float.

8.1.23 1.42a

This hurts.

I had to turn down an acting opportunity. Multiple reasons, oh so frustrating reasons. And it is hurting my soul so so very much.

5.6.23 @9:42p

I'm not well and I'm not telling them. 3.30.23 11.30p

how am I supposed to live in this world?

10.17.22 11.45pm

Since birth I've been misgendered. I now have two genders to be misgendered as now. And not the two people might think. Oh, so much fun. Thank you, world.

I'm never what people think I am, even when I look like what I say I am.

9.28.22 12.08am

I feel that I have to apologize for behaviours and mannerisms that remind people of my mother. I don't hear many people say nice things about her these days, especially from family. I get she was the person she was...but I'm not her and she's been dead for a long time. Sounding, like her, looking like her, and acting like her feels like a curse, not a blessing. I fear that by being me, I will upset others. All because some of her is in me. It kills me inside. Every time.

8.16.22 10:10pm

First time

A few weeks ago when a friend visited I spoke about how I've stopped using the term gender non-conforming because every time I mentioned it to anyone, no matter who it was, I was asked "what are your pronouns?" My friend's response? "That's because they are mixing up gender non-conforming with non-binary." All I could think and say was "Thank you."

8.9.22 2:06am

Words

I know I need to write some things down. I know I need to write the words. But I know that once I do, I will likely crumble even further. With no net. Alone. Some realisations have happened in the past few months that are key to my understanding of myself yet they are also devastating as I recognise that my entire life has been connected to the truths I am still afraid to write. I also fear telling the wrong audience. If I write it for myself I'll still be uncertain. What I am comfortable with writing is this:

Trauma affects your life. Trauma changes the path you would have taken.

6.30.22 2.57.pm.

before this day is over. I lost the last remaining childhood and family possessions someone was holding onto a these years. There was a fire 2 years ago. All that remains are a few charred photos of my family. It hurts and upsets me. It hurt so much to deal with I kept pushing back on it until I essentially forgot about it or kept avoiding it all this time. I even had a car, which was my original excuse for not going and getting things originally. Neither of us connected about it more than once before. I was excited when a voice-mail came in the other day, but today the actual communication hit me with the loss. It hurts. So much. I am uncertain as to all that was lost as so many things went to so many places and I never knew what went where unless I was told "hey, I have stuff for you". I realise possessions are not the be all and end all, but for me they help and allow me to work through my attachments and attempts to grieve as well as catalogue items so I can at least have pictures of items for future remembrances. I am a person that likes to record things.

5.14.22 11.45pm. 11:55pm.

#grief #loss #no true closure

Maybe if I had my keys ready to go, I would have made it in before the guy saw me. I don't know why but him being behind me, crossing the parking lot to walk behind me, made me seriously uneasy. Tried picking up my pace and going around the backs of buildings...but it took time to even get the keys from my wet backpack and I was still struggling to get the right key when he came around from the front of the building. :-/ as if I didn't have enough concerns. I guess I could have also waited to put mail in the box, or just put it in our building area but I wanted to make sure it got out ASAP since I'd forgotten to put it in one where I had an appointment today. I can't afford late payments. But yeah.... he made me very uncomfortable and now knows the building I'm in. Also...anyone can come in the building like the last place I was in :-( :-( also...who actually thinks pouring rain is a decent time for a walk?? He actually said that. I'm sorry, but even if he's innocent....he gave me giant red flags. I guess I could have kept walking around the building and crossed him that way but I'd alrexome from a decent walk with the rain steadily getting. What's done is done. And I am still so, so done.

5.2.22

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm so ready to be done.

5.2.22

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