lost in the echoes of my mind @lostinthe-echoes - Tumblr Blog

travel stories

look up as you wander this world, stop to watch the ferns unfurl, climb anything you can and leave only footprints, swim everywhere you dare and look for hints, that the countryside is alive with sounds, and sights and smells to be found. slow and admire every ornate door, what else is good architecture for, than wonder, wander with joy and awe, laugh until your jaw is sore, walk a thousand miles and then some more, theres so much out there to adore. people places names and faces, pub corners with couches where you swap places with strangers and friends you'll never know yet miss, what a miracle this little life is. hit on the cute bike mechanic, run through the airport in a panic, hold your friends tighter than ever before, snuggle in close, pretend they dont snore, talk to other aussies a world away, act like you could always just stay, embrace the language and learn the accent, say aye and ja in a local bent, make them wonder if you're from down the road, or a place they've always wanted to go. say you're flying back, not home, how could it be when your heart has known, the care of being called love in the streets and fighting with friends for the sheets. to the endless landscapes of mountains and munros and the nausea of buses on winding roads, waterfalls that never get old and lochs and rivers that bring a view (with rocks), a month away will mean someday flying to australia, not the other way.

unridden trails

between two bikes lays a trail of possibilities that i will never get to see but i'm so glad that you saw me. deflated, unsure, hoping for a miracle and there you were, slouched in an office chair that makes you wring your hair and bow that pretty little head. i would steal you away instead, watch you thrive mid-air, kicking up dust as you feed my lust for life, for every strife we'd laugh until we forgot what brought us down, a lightened frown, a wry smile for every mile we ride. two bikes, standing in the way of me reaching for your hand, an unspoken understanding that i don't want it to be true but i may never see you again, and what a shame, to not know how your arms fold around me, to know where you feel most free, to watch your fingers trace the daisies on my arm that you couldn't stop looking at, i want all of that, and more, between the tyre treads and dirt roads you adore, what more could there be, than five bikes and you and me.

bike shop

flat tyre and tired heart, i walk in deflated a quiet prayer to the dirt deity that i wont be walking home instead i find a warm soul tucked away, underappreciated poor choices and kindness left him waiting there alone a quick exchange of air and no desire for small talk meant i was on my way in minutes, captivated, torn before i hit the trails back to the city, i just baulk an unfinished connection, a possibility unworn i venture back unsure of what to say or do or think just walk in like i never left and ask to take a seat undisturbed by presence, he laughs and jokes, a wink of joy in those wrinkled eyes, my heart skips a beat two hours of just conversation, i feel myself drawn in to the stories, anecdotes and heart that shines in every word no rush for me to leave, connection singing like a hymn until we part, a see you later, love that goes unheard but bioluminescence, animals and second chances will live on in my mind like we were soulmates after all like watching you mime an anteater as it dances across the floor, at once entertained and appalled nerding out over bikes and the people who captivate us will haunt me, like the signatures as tattoos on your calf watching you trail my arm, count the daisies with no fuss makes me wonder in what world could i be your other half how can two strangers be so magnetic and just leave like the magic in your shop left with the open window that's the funny thing about life, the threads and weave to feel so joyful and fulfilled, then wistful and hollow.

flirting in the margins

my version of flirting is drawing in your notebook, sketching shapes for you to colour in, how i wish you would colour me in, signing off postcards with heart to hearts that we never have, never find, never get around to, you seem to thrive in conversation with others and stall when you get to me, i dont see why it changes so quickly when we could fit together so perfectly, all i need for you to be is captivated by me and i know you are in little ways but its not the same. your eyes wander to mine and every time i find something a little different, a little brighter in those blues, i know theres nothing i need to do to deserve you because thats already true but i want you to want me too.

are you sure these pills wont dull my sparkle, i'll finally find joy in being dysfunctional, kicking coffee tables like a football player, wearing bruises like an extra layer, my mind is a sieve but at night - a steel trap, wearing my mistakes like a flamboyant hat, atop my head for all the world to see, as my mind refuses to drift off to sleep. take this pill, maybe two, more if you have something to do. force yourself to focus, box yourself in. just one more pill and we can begin.

#prompt: wrong medicine

i am sorry that i was too late. meeting you now feels like a twisted fate. your existence played out on a timeline that i could never dream to find. even if i could travel the stars, go back to learn you before you are, dilating the years as the planets pass, every book read, tackled in the grass, i don't think it would be enough, even if you think im tough the explorer i met has found his match embroidered into the mission patch im fucking fantastic but just a side character i dont think my heart really has the stamina to keep tearing at the seams when you look at me plastered with gold for each laugh you breed. the joy of love is it need not be reciprocal, but love, i want to know each atom, atypical. i know you can hear my soul, loud as a choir and there's no denying im someone you admire this horse bolted long before i came into being and nobody else will find what you're seeing so i'll keep the plaster, mix the gold paint tell myself this is enough, laugh through the pain. you cannot be everything i want, and more but you'll still be someone i adore.

is it too late too dumb too selfish to ask why? i cannot get the question out of my mind. it was never a case of seek and ye shall find but you really are one of a kind and it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, i still want you to be mine.

why

are you not able to be that for me when the sound of your voice sets my heart free

why

can i not just respect your needs and swallow my words as my tongue bleeds

why

did i do something wrong, born in another year, tone deaf to your favourite song

why

were the sparks as you held my hand not enough to help me understand

why

did i fit snugly in your arms, i think knowing that now causes more harm

why

did your orbit come my way, is there anything i can do to make you stay

i love you but i cannot even capture your attention long enough to tell you. drifting in and out of the timeline where you might actually be mine. i want you to know so badly, this broken heart patched up untidily, holding it up to the light so you can slip through the cracks. the logical voice, the wise old owl watches my internal monologue with a scowl. you can be as bright as the sun and go unnoticed, sweet and kind and miss being kissed, but their lack of attention does not mean you’re unworthy. you can cry yourself to sleep, but first ask why does it haunt me. the phantom hand to hold, he was never warm or bold. you cannot love someone into loving you, and oh how you have tried to. both can be true: that you are loveable by default and fall asleep alone with the taste of salt.

i remember the red plush couches in that bar that we almost walked past, but a local pulled us inside and said that the beers in here are class.

i remember you offered to walk me home in the foreign streets of oslo, but conceded that maybe i should protect you, as my tattooed arms were enough to scare you.

i remember the cold evening air as you snuggled under a blanket, curled up in a deck chair in a beer garden until close, just a pair of piercing blue eyes and button nose.

i remember the sound of your laugh like mischief in a soundwave, the embodiment of trouble, a cheekiness to misbehave.

i remember the way you fall into your couch as you sit on a video call, wishing i could fill the space beside you, to wander your room and haunt your halls.

i remember smiling so hard when i speak of you that my psychologist asked your name, a character that had clearly become important to my game.

i remember the photos you used to send of the daily events that made you smile, some days i feel i am in your pocket, others like papercuts for each mile.

i remember the days where you forget about me, as my memory fades from across the sea. it's okay, why fall in love with a ghost when you're surrounded by people who love you the most.

i finally realised that i am not letting go of you, but rather, the ideas and hopes and dreams that crept through the cracks in my heart where i longed for support, to be held seen loved adored, i now see you rarely gave me any of those, my internal monologue warped into a prose that was never real, just the occasional reply was enough to send my imagination sky high, and now i can feel the pull of gravity down, i never noticed it even if you're not around, the prospect that i had finally been found overshadowed the wants and needs i've been hiding, this time it's not falling, it's gliding, through the clear blue skies that my mind can foresee, i don't need a part of you to be wholly me. love is still a verb, i'll show it with every chance, but rather than check my phone i'll do a little dance when i roll out of the bed in the morning, missing you but knowing there's a whole world out there to see too.

[yours]

curl curl thinking bout the world surfing the wave riding on my own man on a schedule always got an appointment with the beach resting so I dont crash like the waves send me back in to shore

---

[mine]

sand swirl whitewash whirls dreaming of the water lapping at my feet, further time blind and running on fumes dreaming of rolling down the dunes breathing to settle my rattling heart drowning in your words while we are apart

something about nothing

the crazy thing about technology is that i can track the cycles of my sleep to the nth degree and i see that i am avoiding you even in my dreams, no REM sleep for me. i wake, roll over in the sunlight, wonder what it would feel like if you occupied a space that was not just my mind, maybe i’d find you between the sheets and my knees and the swaying shade of the gum trees, maybe you’d look at me like you did the last time we got sushi, with pure wonder and hope and a tinge of sonder. we could stay longer, just another day, night, week, this time you could kiss my cheek, i wanna know what you look like when you’re not so sleek, messy hair, crumpled clothes, i could sneak into the spaces you let nobody else see, we, we, we, were maybe something, always nothing, who am i kidding.

the people i love

i hear you every time a kookaburra laughs, the way you stop in the middle of the street just to hear its lilting beat, like there is still magic in the world worth getting run over for.

i smell you every time i pass a tree blooming with flowers, picture you telling me not to wait as you investigate each one, nose deep into each petal to appreciate their depth, you are always worth waiting for.

i see you in the gym, of all places. the way you've rewritten the narrative of a place i hated, your laugh between the clinking of plates being lifted, a world away but never alone.

i feel you every time i step into the sea, the water always meant the world to me but it brought the miracle of meeting you, forever connected to gals i almost never knew.

on the days that my heart aches for a kind of love that holds me late at night, i am struck by how much love i already have, even as i sit alone.

broken and bright

i knew therapy wouldn't be easy but the excavator is new, asking how much i believe this statement to be true, like i do not deserve love because i lost you, beliefs buried deep and covered in mildew. these roots reach further than the last ten years, my self-talk bites worse than my fears. i don't even try to fight these tears, their tracks like lines in the bark as their smear. why was this something that i couldn't fix, that's the only way im worthy, i know i can fit into the smallest of spaces to spark some joy. im petrified that my presence will only annoy. so your absence always hits me harder in the dark, I think you're the only one who ever truly saw my heart and thought yes, that's the human that i could adore. an earthquake that rattled me to my core. trembling, i realise i never believed a word. your love screaming over the void, unheard. and now i sit alone, your soul on a different plane. holding the dead leaves of my grief and shame. looking through the canopy and searching for light, shining through like me, broken and bright.

for the lion-hearted boy

the bridge is still there you know, the water clear and trees overgrown. fences close the fields we ran through, the footy club looks better than it used to. it took me years to walk the streets we knew, i didn’t want to be here without you.

in a way i bring you everywhere with me, still look over my shoulder to tell you a story. the shape of your soul is carved in ink, i hold you close when i need to think. the lion leading my nan’s ursuleți, better on my arm than the hole in my chest.

I was once nicknamed the lion king, but we both know it is not befitting. you were the one with a charismatic soul, who could smile just once and make me feel whole. hold me high above the valley below the sunset muted in your glow. its been ten years since i heard your voice, of carrying the guilt i felt for your choice, what i would have given to catch your fall, scorched the earth to not feel it all. now i love my friends with my whole heart, not the absence of grief, but the real start.

#poetry #i miss you

resonate

it resonates out across the oceans and plains and mountains and rains that pain me in the quiet moments when i turn to look at you and say something but you are no longer here. not this suburb, this city, this country, this continent, this hemisphere, this astral plane. iii miss uuu, not a singular entity but all of you, everything everywhere all at once. the laws of physics never stood a chance. travel hopping through space-time, looking up at the stars and you're by my side, the nights never looked as bright as you did in pale moonlight. let your echo, our echo, this echo reverberate in every vertebrae of the stacked spine that holds my head high so that i can see the light that you could not.

#prompt: every time i hurt i know the wound is an echo by andrea gibson

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lost in the echoes of my mind