ramblings of a lunatic

lotte, 25, mom x2, certified lover girl I do not entertain thirsty men

[lotteinthecloudss]

helloooo ig this is an intro post I haven't really used Tumblr since I was a teenager but here I am :p

I am 25 and I have 2 beautiful beautiful daughters and a partner who I love with my whole entire heart

idk I guess I just wanted somewhere to talk about my motherhood journey (2 month old and an almost 4 year old), mental health, and perhaps makeup and alternative plus sized fashion as I navigate finding myself again in this postpartum period

I used to write a lot of poetry I may post some of my old stuff to motivate myself to write more idk if it is any good but it all always comes from the heart

[lotteinthecloudss]

finally listened to the voices in my head whispering "cut your hair off cut your hair off cut your hair off" 24/7

[lotteinthecloudss]

I wish they would invent a summer that didn't make me sweat my eyebrows off

[lotteinthecloudss]

I haven't been feeling very inspired lately

grief always consumes me at this time of year

its been eleven years

but I still don't know who I am without you here

sometimes I feel like everything ended that day

I don't know how to keep going

but I do it anyway.

last night, I came across some pictures of us

and a note you wrote me.

I cried for a long time,

I cried hard, for the first time in a long time.

my boyfriend held me and I just cried

and he cried with me.

he didn't even know you, but sometimes I feel like he is grieving you with me

he understands how it feels; he lost someone too.

maybe if there is anything after death, you meet up and you talk about us too.

afterwards, we talked about you a lot.

we talked about all the things you missed that you'd have loved.

we talked about my favourite things about you.

how I still remember the way your hand felt in mine.

the way your laugh sounded.

grief never goes away, never shrinks,

but with the right support we can grow around it.

[lotteinthecloudss]

new hair!!!

[lotteinthecloudss]

lotte face lotte face

[lotteinthecloudss]

big sad has been getting me bad lately. I went lurking and was very hurt by what I found. I've been feeling very betrayed by something. I've been feeling like nobody cares about me even though I know plenty of people definitely do. I've been spiralling really bad over stuff I can't control. idk. but my kids are happy and healthy and I'm alive and there is a roof over my head and yummy food on plates every night and clean clothes on our bodies and I need to keep telling myself I'm doing a good job.

[lotteinthecloudss]

people keep asking me if I have lost weight and telling me how good I look when I'm really really just trying to make it through each day :p

[jusjuiceboxbox]

Welcome to being an adult! Featuring such injury causing events as

- sneezed wrong

- turned your neck a little too fast

- slept weird

- took the trash out to the curb and stepped at a slightly different angle than usual

- breathed

- failed to breathe properly

- breathed in the wrong stuff. Allergy time

- looked too hard at something too far away

- knees

[lotteinthecloudss]

I broke my rib from COUGHING too hard

[lotteinthecloudss]

held on til may again and I'm so glad I did. I genuinely wasn't sure id make it with the breakdown I had postpartum but I'm so blessed to see life for how beautiful it is now. I'm so blessed to have my beautiful beautiful family and I am so thankful for my medication and I'm so thankful for my gorgeous girls and for my partner and for everything he does for us all and for our family and friends and all the support we have. I feel more happy and content than I ever even knew I could feel I am so so lucky

[oflambandmoss]

being weird and full of love can save you

and it might save those around you, too

[animentality]

[lotteinthecloudss]

my first born is 4 today :)) the one who made me a mama

[nixscriptum]

[disc90s]

how could i not love eyes that see me in all of my forms as beautiful?

[two-bees-poetry]

so soft it hurts

[lotteinthecloudss]

10 years ago, I lost my best friend in the whole world.

10 years ago, I woke up with a pit in my stomach; I didn't know what was wrong yet but I knew it was something awful.

I've had that feeling twice since then and both times something terrible has happened.

I remember those subsequent days like they were a few months ago, but at the same time they're foggy like a dream.

almost every day lately I find myself picturing what he would look like now.

last time I saw him he was just a boy, we were just children together and I've lived a thousand different lives since then.

I find myself wondering where he would fit into every memory.

would he have a family of his own?

would he have done everything he dreamed of doing?

would we even still be friends?

I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on his 21st birthday.

I don't know what I believe, other than he is definitely watching over me. he sent her my way because he knew how she would save me.

thank you for teaching me so much in the few short years we had together.