I hope this reaches you in some way or some form. It doesnât make sense to message you directly now because I should have done it then, and itâs been four years. I have to get this off my chest somehow because Iâve been keeping it to myself.
I never got to give you any closure, and knowing you, you may have seen this in two ways, or even both:
1) âWelp. She was fake all along. She only held on until she got into a relationship. Just like the others, she left and Iâm not sure if her love was real or if she was even genuine. And wow, she really ghosted me.â
2) âOh, ouch. Well, it makes sense why she did what she did. I wasnât being a good friend to her, she put more effort into the friendship than I did, and now sheâs in a relationship with someone who will treat her better than I ever could. So she probably needed to sever our connection out of respect for her partner. I donât blame you for leaving, but I sure wish you had let me know.â
I wanted to tell you. But at the time, I was given an ultimatum. I was too honest. It was shortly after your birthday, and I had told my partner that I still love/care for you as a friend and greeted you, even though at the time you and I hardly talked. Iâm satisfied with the last thing I said to you. Wishing you the best â I always have and I still do. Wherever you are now. I hope youâre happy and maybe even in a relationship with a good woman. Who knows, maybe youâre engaged/married and have a child now.
He wasnât happy with the act and principle of keeping in touch with my first love. Fair enough. He didnât like that I maintained a connection with you, so he told me to choose. You or him.
I obviously chose him, and weâre still going strong 4+ years later. I never messaged you and instead, unfollowed you on Instagram, removed you as a follower, and deleted your number. I did the thing I never thought Iâd do, which was to ghost you, and I felt guilt toward my partner if I were to continue messaging you after the fact. But I also felt guilt doing that to you, someone I cared for, for so many years. 12 years of my life.
In recent years prior to 2022, you and I would go months or even years without talking, and it was usually always me that would reach out first. You say your mental health always got in the way, which I donât doubt, but if you also wanted to, you would have. Distance was definitely a factor, but it worked both ways. I was waiting until the day youâd finally come and visit, and I could have done the same but I didnât. The hesitation and reluctancy on your end had me questioning where I stood in your life.
So maybe it worked out for the better. I needed to let us go in order to focus on this era with the love of my life. When one door closes, another opens, as they say.
I am still so grateful for the chapter we experienced together when we were young and innocent back in high school and parts of college. Thank you for loving me for the person I was and seeing through me. You taught me how to love and Iâm glad it was you.
Thank you too, for making time to FaceTime six years ago. You have no idea how much that call meant to me.
I hope this finds you, and I hope youâre well. Take care.
