secrets they dont tell you about grief
Its been almost two years since my father died and ive been gathering some thoughts on grief that i think are important to share.
-you wanna talk about it. you wanna talk about your loved one. you want people to ask about him or his life or my life with him or how im coping without him. i want people to ask me what the hardest moments are without him. i wanna talk about him but no one wants to hear. itd bum people out or make them feel awkward or obligated to confort me.
-the guilt. no one tells you how guilty you feel for letting time pass without your loved one. no one tells you that surviving a day without him feels like a heinous crime. like two years have passed and i feel guilty about it. i feel bad for everyday i dont cry about it. i feel guilty on the days i do cry about it. i feel guilty for existing when he doesnt get to. i feel guilty for wishing i didnt have to exist anymore bc he doesnt get to. i feel guilty for disagreeing with anything he said or did.
-the loss. im not talking about the loss of your loved one. thats no secret. the dirty little secret is the loss of so many people who you thought would always be in your life but suddenly you see them less & less bc they only really were in your life bc of him, or seeing yoU reminds them too much of him and hurts. so you dont just lose your loved one. you lose so many more people in your life bc of their connection to your loved one. around the funeral, lots of people will say they are there for you. but that has an expiration date, even the ones you didnt expect.
-the expiration date of condolences. like i said, people will be there for you through the diagnosis and the day of his death and the funeral and the wake and its lovely and supportive and overwhelming to see how many people care. but then that sorta just stops. right as you get outta denial and its a year or two later and you are feeling like collapsing on the floor in a sobbing mess but youre all alone. when u feel like its too late to talk to someone about it bc they will think youre judt pullibg the dead dad card and need to move on. thats when u know youve passed the expiration date.
-the responsibility. not just of the funeral and death arrangements. but of life after they die. someone is left to pick up the pieces. someone is left to take over his most important jobs. âtake care of your momâ they told me at the funeral. but i just graduated hs. i just lost my best friend/greatest hero/father and now im expected to be strong enough to take care of my mom while getting my life together enough to say goodbye to all my friends and my old life and start college. âtake care of your sisterâ i can barely take care of myself & now im at the point where i feel like a psedomom to a teenage girl. not to mention a middle aged woman. all the family leadership & logic & whatever my dad dealt with now falls on my shoulders and i never asked for this.
-nothing will be the same. every sad moment is made more sad bc youre violently reminded of your loss. every happy moment is clouded with a bit of sadness bc you wish they were there. fights with loved ones destory me bc ik how easy someone can be gone from your life so trivial fights are terrifying. idc about what the fight is about, i just care about keeping loved ones in my life while i have any control over it. the word âgrandpaâ kills me bc my kids will never know him. that kills me. and thinking about my wedding is bittersweet bc ive always imagined it with my dad and now thats ruined. nothing will ever be the same bc the grief never goes away. âstages of griefâ are bullshit bc it implies that you wake up like totally cool with the loss one day. thats never going to fucking happen. it will always be there, in the back of my mind, in the middle of his favorite song, during a prayer. anywhere and anytime, grief will follow you. and sometimes its louder than normal and sometimes you forget its there. but its always there and things will never be the same.
-the heartbreaking jealousy. everytime a friend hangs out with their dad, i feel intense jealousy &heartbreak. whenever i see a picture on social media of someone with their dad, i get so angry with thoughts of âlife is unfairâ. whenever i see my mom calling grandpa to ask for advice or just to chat, i become furious with envy. even those funny scenes where a dad meets his daughters boyfriend, i get so sad. like i am lucky enough that i fell in love with an amazing man and my father was able to meet him before he died. but he was already pretty sick and wasnt really my father anymore so it makes me so jealous when i see other girls that get to see their father and boyfriend bond and grow close. even when i see strangers of a happy family with a loving father, i get a little heartbroken. i lost what they all have and i can never have it back and it feels so unfair. people always warn you to appreciate what you have while you have it, like thatll fix everything. but i did that! i appreciated ny father so much. i loved hanging out with him and talking to him and would brag about him to anyone ik. that doesnât change the fact that he is gone now. and that sucks.
-battles no one sees. this part started during his sickness. believe it or not, you learn to suffer in silence pretty well. academic awards night is a memory that will always be tainted. i tested in the top 2% of the country on the psat &won a teaching scholarship. i gathered in pictures with my friends all with big smiles and fancy certificates. but when we separated after the picture to go find our families to be welcomed with hugs and âim proud of yousâ, i awkwardly slid out of the lobby & drove home alone in tears. my dad was feeling too sick to come & my mom stayed to take care of him. my dad couldnt come to my graduation bc he had to stay in the hospital. my parents didnt join the crowd of parents to take group prompics bc they had a cancer benefit in his honor. theres been 100s of battles no one knows ive fought and 100s of teary nights alone. i tried not to bother anyone with my grief bc its so hard for someone to understand and they shouldnt have to try bc it hurts. it really hurts. and i wouldnât wish it upon anyone.
-lastly, life goes on. whether you want it to or not. grief makes you wanna stop time and crawl in a hole in the ground for months on end just to get yourself together again. but you cant. life goes on. i grew up telling people my biggest fear would be losing my father. he was the most important person in my life. âi wont be able to go on without himâ id say. but here i am. without him. going on. Yes id rather have him here but thats not an option. Life goes on without him and i was strong enough to go on with it. sometimes i dont feel so strong but ik that i can handle literally anything life throws at me now bc i faced my biggest fear and survived. life does go on.
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