It Was My Fault

If you don't know me, it's probably for the best. (Until Dawn Rp Blog)

[lifeandsurvival]

You need to pick a good one!

[lifeandsurvival]

She laughed and said with an unmistakable tone of sarcasm, “You know that a girl should never make the first move!” Sam smiled and nuzzled her face back into Josh’s chest. She was elated. In the back of her mind, Sam possibly would have never asked Josh out. In her mind, it didn’t seem like it would feel real unless he had asked her. She had always loved him as a friend, she may not have said yes to a date a few years ago, but she would have always treasured it. After Blackwood, she realized just how much she needed Josh around. Even if a date doesn’t go well, they would never not be friends. “Dinner sounds perfect.”

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

“Get the fuck out,” Josh grinned. They both knew that the chivalry crap that Sam was trying to enforce was absolute bullshit to the both of them. The two were strong believers that chivalry was dead in this day and age and shouldn’t be expected of young men. Josh gently stroked Sam’s hair as she settled back against his chest. “Where do you want to go for dinner?” he asked.

[ofshctguns]

“Yeah man. That could be fun.” Physically running away from his issues seemed very tempting. But that wouldn’t do much, really. There was no way to escape the questions he still had or, as his, as the psychiatrist had informed him, ‘newly developed panic disorder.’ As if any of those fucking doctors knew what actually happened to them and why he was really plagued by that incessant feeling of needing to run away from a threat that didn’t exist anymore.

Taking the bottle off of the hood, he turned it around absently in his hand. If ever there was a place to talk about his issues, it was now; he was isolated in the middle of the woods with the only other person who could really understand what he was feeling, with no chance of anyone else overhearing. But still, there was a part of him that didn’t want to burden Josh with his problems. The Mike Munroe his friends were used to could handle his own issues, and he sure as hell wouldn’t become a whiny grievance to someone else. He was a leader, and leaders did not need to go to therapy or ‘talk about their feelings.’ “Maybe in a bit, when I’ve got more liquor in me.” He replied finally, avoiding eye contact with him by taking another large pull from the vodka.

“And I can think of a few ways.” Said Mike in an attempt to change the subject. He slid the bottle back over to him with a teasing wink.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Josh fixed his eyes on the stars. He was shocked that he could see so many. He supposed there was a lot less light pollution out in the woods. It was as if the rest of the world didn’t exist out there. No light, no noise, and certainly nobody to bother them. The atmosphere was romantic, in a way that Josh couldn’t quite put his finger on. Perhaps, it was the pure intimacy of the situation. Perhaps, there was something more.

Josh glanced over at Mike, watching him take a swig from the bottle of vodka. Neither of them had any right to be drinking. It would just make their conditions worse, yet there there were in the middle of the woods with nobody to tell them when they’ve reached their limits. Josh wouldn’t tell Mike to stop, and he knew Mike would do much the same. Sure, they were making destructive decisions, but they were making destructive decisions together, and that knowledge was oddly comforting.

Josh couldn’t help but grin at Mike’s comment. It’d be easier for both of them to talk when they were loosened up by alcohol. Maybe Josh would even get some things off his chest. The make-shift therapy session wouldn’t help if neither of them remembered it, though. All the same, it was the thought that counted.

“Yeah?” Josh matched Mike’s tone. Apparently, humor was a defense mechanism they both employed frequently. “Enlighten me.” A smirk played on his lips.

[ofshctguns]

“Wow, asking me to go away with you for the weekend already? That’s pretty forward.” He joked. Maybe it was too dark to see his smirk, but he was certain his taunting tone conveyed the joke.

Sighing, Mike passed the alcohol to Josh before moving to lay down flat against his car. He stared forward into the night sky, taking in the soft twinkling of the stars as he reflected on what to say. What was the point of lying to Josh now? Josh knew full and well that there was something wrong with Mike; he, along with all of the others, had seen it firsthand in the hospital. Everyone got to have a front row seat to his mental break.

Mike let one of his arms dangle lazily off of the hood, pulling up a bit of his shirt and exposing a slight sliver of skin just above the waistband of his jeans to the chilled air. It pressed against the cool metal of his car and sent a wave of chills up his spine, but he didn’t mind. He’d always kind of liked the cold. “I’m just trying to shut my brain up for once. It’s hard to keep it quiet nowadays.”

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

“What can I say?” Josh teased right back, “I want to spoil you.” though it was dark, Josh could see the faint outline of Mike’s features. The expression matched his tine, and that’s all Josh could have hoped for. He wanted Mike to be able to relax, to get his mind off of his problems. “I’m serious, though.” he clarified, “We can spend a weekend in Miami if you’re interested.”

Josh took the bottle from Mike and took a long sip of his own. The clear liquid burned as it ran down his throat. It’s been awhile since he was allowed to indulge in hard liquor. Apparently, drinking wasn’t good for his mental state, but it was the only thing that really helped him relax. Between his anxiety and overwhelming fits of depression, he needed to just forget. He needed to forget that he was too hammered to help his sisters, that he could have saved them. He needed to forget that he’d hurt his friends, but that was something he had to live with. His parents, particularly his mother, kept a close eye on him during the past two months. She made sure Josh couldn’t get his hands on any alcohol. She even put a lock on the wine cabinet.

Josh took another swig of vodka, fixing his eyes on the sky. “I can deal with that,” he said, “We don’t have to talk about this now...” He trailed off, his eyes searching for something, but he wasn’t sure what. “It does help, though.... To talk about it. I won’t make you tell me what you’re feeling, but I’m here if you feel the need to talk.” What a hypocrite he was. Sam had given him the same offer when Josh’s sisters died, yet he decided to keep his feelings bottled up. He hid behind a facade until his inevitable breaking point. He may have been a hypocrite, but he knew exactly what not talking did to a person.

Josh passed the bottle back to Mike, placing it on the hood next to him. “I’m sure we can find other ways to help you relax,” he mused, “Just gotta search for them.”

[ofshctguns]

“Yeah, you and me both. I was starting to go a little stir crazy in my apartment.” That was a gross understatement. He was so fucking sick of the confines of his apartment. The space was actually pretty big for an apartment, but he still somehow felt caged. Mike hated feeling trapped. It was one of the reasons he was so vehemently against commitment.

But he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave his apartment just to face what was outside of it. When he came back from Blackwood, Mike knew that people would whisper about what happened to him, to everyone, regardless of what he did. So he just pretended like it wasn’t effecting him. He made jokes about it, as if he was the same as before that night. He created a sort of false self, one that wasn’t riddled with anxiety and stress. That way, he was never the object of someone’s sympathy, or even worse, a burden to any of his friends. But the energy it took to keep up that facade was too great for him to handle. That’s why he ended up in the hospital. And now that he was out, he didn’t give a single shit if people knew just how fucked up he was. All he wanted now was to get unbelievably drunk with his friend and forget about the mess he had waiting for him back in the world away from this moonlight bathed forest. Josh was his respite from reality.

In one motion, he spun the cap off of the bottle and let it roll off of the hood of the car onto the soil. They wouldn’t need it again anyway; he wasn’t planning on leaving any of the vodka left. “Bottoms up.” He declared, raising the bottle to his mouth and taking a large swig.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Josh watched the sky, listening to the sounds of nature. There was so much going on at night. Crickets chirped, owls hooted, and raccoon scurried. It was incredible how the world could keep on turning when his life was slowly falling apart. Sure, he was in a better place than he’d been in a year ago after his sisters’ deaths, but he still had a lot to work on before he could be an active member of society. For one, he needed to stop drinking. Two, he needed to stop sneaking out in the dead of night. Three, he needed to finally start loving himself again. None of which were possible at the moment. He was getting there, though. Slowly, he was bettering himself.

“You can always call me if you want to get away,” Josh offered, “The lodge isn’t the only vacation home we have.” He grabbed the bag of doritos beside him and popped it open. He took one from the bag as he spoke. “Bet Dad would let us borrow the one in Miami for a weekend. Nobody’s there in November anyway.” Josh considered their options. “We could escape to the woods. Get drunk and go camping.”

Josh turned toward Mike, watching as he downed his first swig of vodka. They should have brought two bottles. God knew they both needed it. They both needed to forget. Josh ate his dorito and offered the bag to Mike. A soft smile cross his features and he released an exhausted sigh. Mike had brought him here for a reason. “Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, Mr. President?” he asked, “Or are we going to pretend nothing’s wrong? I’m cool with both options.”

[lifeandsurvival]

You need to pick a good one!

[lifeandsurvival]

Sam’s mind froze in a moment of ‘wait he’s serious holy shit he’s serious’ and didn’t even realize that she said “It’s about damn time, Josh Washington!” A silly grin was plastered on her face. “It only took how many years? I guess you’ll have to make it an epic date to make up for all that time.” She twisted her body a bit on top of him so that she could rest her chin on Josh’s chest and look up to see the face she’s known for what seems like forever.. 

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Josh was in a state of awe. Had Sam really just said that to him? Was she really waiting for him to ask her out for years? Well, this was a surprise to him. If she’d wanted to go out with him so badly, she could have just asked. All this time, Josh was afraid of ruining their friendship, but Sam had been pining for him just as much as he had for her. A smile played on his lips. “Hey, that’s not fair! How was I supposed to know that you liked me, too?” he complained, “I mean, obviously, it’ll be an awesome date.How could it not be? I’m going to take you to dinner, and it’s going to be great.”

[ofshctguns]

Soon enough, he heard the rustling of dead leaves on the ground that notified him he was no longer alone. Looking up, he met Josh with charming smile. “God bless you, Joshua Washington.”

Mike could just make out the outline of his features, the moon that filtered through the trees shining faintly on his friend’s face. He didn’t question Josh’s whisper; the natural ambiance of the secluded woods made everything seem more intimate, more confidential. The wide expanse of the forest made him feel less suffocated than normal. He didn’t know if it was Josh or the extra oxygen, but he already was starting to feel better.

Tossing the bottle to Josh to hold, he climbed as gracefully as he could in the dark onto the hood of his car. There was a clearing in the trees right about his car that opened up a view of the bespeckled sky. He motioned for Josh to join him.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Josh cracked a smile as Mike’s words filtered through his ears. He hadn’t known what to expect, but he was glad to be with Mike. He was glad to be able to relax in the middle of the woods, in the dead of night.

There was a certain mood set by the woods and the mutual camaraderie between the two boys. Though the headlights of Mike’s car cast long, intimidating shadows on the trees, the moonlight was soft and inviting. It wasn’t as if the woods scared Josh. No, the woods were filled with memories, and the woods were filled with secrets. Still, the moon cast subtle shadows that the headlights seemed  to violently penetrate.

Josh caught the bottle that Mike tossed to him. Gingerly, he placed it in the plastic bag he’d received from the convenience store cashier. He watched as Mike climbed clumsily onto the hood of his car. Josh couldn’t help but crack a sly smile. “Graceful as always,” he teased as he climbed up next to Mike. He placed the bag carefully between them. Josh directed his attention toward the sky. It was incredible how many stars were visible out in the middle of nowhere. “Thanks for inviting me,” he spoke after a few long moments. “I really needed to get out.”

[ofshctguns]

Stars- Josh

Crickets chirped rhythmically in the night air as Mike sat, leaning casually against the passenger’s side door of his car. He swished the clear alcohol he held in his hand back and forth and watched as it splashed against the sides of the bottle chaotically. The lights on in his car and the stars were the only source of light in the secluded area. The headlights cast a strange shadow on the trees, warping them in dramatic ways. Mike may have even felt a hint of fear at the sight, had he not been desensitized to the concept in general. Not much in his environment could frighten him after what he went through. It was the deepening fractures he felt inside of him that scared him the most.

As he was waiting there for Josh, he considered getting back in his car and driving back to his apartment. He and Josh had never been best friends; that title was usually reserved for Chris. But the idea of drinking this alone in his prison of an apartment seemed way too depressing. Besides, Josh was really the only person Mike felt like he could connect to: the panic attacks, the hospital stays, Josh had gone through it all. They may be losing their minds, but at least they could do it together.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Why he had chosen the woods, Josh would never know. It wasn’t as if he minded, though. The words were private and calming. In a way, the woods were intimate. They were the perfect place to get absolutely hammered and forget his troubles. They were the perfect place to watch the stars with a good friend.

Josh would admit that he was surprised when he received Mike’s text. They were never the best of friends. They were close, but they were never too close. No, his bromance was normally saved for Chris. Recently, however, he’d felt closer to Mike. Chris was mad, and Mike was messed up. It was the perfect recipe for bonding with Josh Washington. Besides, Josh could understand what Mike was going through. After all, he’d already gone through it. He felt as if he could really connect to Mike, and if he could help him in even the slightest way, he’d do it.

Josh meandered through the woods with his bag from the nearest convenience store. Thankfully, Cool Ranch Doritos were in stock, so he didn’t have to show up empty-handed. It wasn’t long before he found Mike leaning against his car. “Hey,” he said as he approached his friend, his voice hushed as if he were afraid he’d wake somebody if he spoke any louder. He raised the bag in his hands for Mike to inspect. “I brought the goods.”

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Texts: Mike&Josh

Mike: Wait until I'm there ;).

Mike: Okay I'm leaving now. Come as u r, with or without chips.

Josh: You'd take me without chips? You must really love me, Mike. I'm flattered.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Texts: Mike&Josh

Mike: If you don't bring Cool Ranch, you may as well not come at all.

Josh: I guess I'll just go fuck myself.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

You got into a really intense argument about protecting bees. It was weirdly arousing.

Mike “Save the Bees” Munroe

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Texts: Mike&Josh

Mike: You're a good man.

Mike: See you then.

Josh: If the store is out of Cool Ranch, I might cry.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Texts: Mike&Josh

Mike: Just bring your sweet ass.

Mike: Also maybe some Doritos.

Josh: Michael Munroe, you dirty flirt. Keep it up, and I might just grace you with this sweet ass.

Josh: I'll pick up Cool Ranch.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Texts: Mike&Josh

Mike: The field right outside of the shooting range in thirty minutes?

Josh: Want me to bring any specific snacks?

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Texts: Mike&Josh

Mike: you. me. a bottle of vodka. The Wilderness.

Josh: Tell me when and where, and I'm there. ;)

[ofshctguns]

Surprisingly, Mike didn’t mind this; he’d always been more of a physical being, but it was kind of new for him to be so innocently close to one of his friends, much less Josh. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d explain this to the nurses if they walked in, but right then he didn’t really care. “Dealer’s choice.” He remarked, knowing that he would be in a drug induced sleep soon anyway.

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Josh nodded and pulled up the video he’d planned to put on anyway. Mike seemed exhausted. It was only a matter of time before he passed out in Josh’s arms. He debated on how to explain this blatant intimacy to the nurses when they came to check up on Mike. he decided to just tell them that he and Mike were lovers, as that was obviously the correct choice. The two of them fell into a comfortable silence as they watched the video.

[beaniesnbooks-blog]

Hey...

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

Didn’t really want anybody to know, I guess.

[beaniesnbooks-blog]

But you told me?

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

I like talking to you.

[beaniesnbooks-blog]

Hey...

[loveandcomplexity-blog]

beaniesnbooks:

Wow, that’s…I didn’t realize you liked her. 

Didn’t really want anybody to know, I guess.