Love Club 24

This is the unofficial depression writing blog of @mackdaddysdaddy

[loveclub24]

Twilight zone

Listening to Ariana Grande's new album.... the deluxe version. Feeling nostalgic, feeling weird. Feeling like my body isn't mine right now, my skin is puffy, there's too much of it. I don't know how to move forward right now, sadness creeping through my body even though I'm living in pure abundance, light, and happiness.

[loveclub24]

my boy only breaks his favorite toys

feeling the full weight of the crush

my heart in tiny pieces, all over the floor

my room is a mess, and my brain is messier

I can't seem to pick up the pieces, I need them back in place

so I can feel whole, I can feel the way I feel before

November to January - fucked me up all the way

I thought it was a sweet escape, like Gwen's song said

and maybe it was? a way for me to finally feel

get off the rollercoaster, tumble from a great height and finally feel my bones crack

I've never broken a bone, but I've broken my heart

you did it - because you were careless

and now I'm typing this note, wishing I could just tell you one more time

thanks for taking me out of my box

thanks for making me feel sparkly again

thanks for crushing my heart - it made me realize I could feel things

again

I'll always be indebted to you

our afternoons spent on the beach, swimming with dolphin

so close we could almost touch them

kissing in the sea, saltwater on our lips

listening to music, making me feel brand new

and although it pains me to think about it right now - I now know I can trust my gut from the beginning

you made me feel beautiful, but you also made me feel so low

not showing up to my birthday

calling me everyday for 6 weeks while you were home

never telling me you missed me

I guess you wanted a penpal? someone to play with

emotional intimacy without the commitment

tale as old as fucking time... can't believe you hurt me like this

I thought I was invincible, you brought me back down to earth

I wanted a player, and boy, did you love the game

you lost the best girl you'll ever have, although you're too dumb to even grasp that

saw you staring at me today in class, I try not to stare at you but I'm sure I'm not successful

don't fucking look at me, you don't deserve my beauty, my kindness, my generosity

wasted on you for three months

I'll always be grateful for you, but for now, fuck off

[loveclub24]

West Coast

Fourth of July, west coast 

Uber everywhere 

Trying to make the most 

Uber again, after a long day 

Listening to the playlist my date sent me 

I think he made it just for me 

Feeling the inklings of a crush 

I hate to even spell that out 

But it's honest in my bones at the moment

I'm such a lover girl it's crazy 

Crushing this hard is truly so stupid because I know tomorrow he'll be out the window of my mind

Baby thrown out with the bath water 

But in the meantime I'm riding in the backseat down the sunset strip 

The artist is called Ride, that's what it feels like 

Heading down sunset thinking about this crush 

New phase of the song just started 

Crashing into my new life - head on 

Now I'm imagining us, in the ocean 

Kissing, laughing, recipe for disaster 

I'm longing for these experiences 

It's beautiful to feel this way 

I never thought I would again 

It's a rush, addicting, plunging myself into the soundscape

Feeling the crush gaze 

I forgot how intense the feeling is 

I'm going to let myself feel it, give into it 

I haven't felt like this in a long time 

The heart swelling, scenarios raging like wildfire in my brain

It's silly but it's sweet 

[loveclub24]

Shitty Heaven

Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of it all

while I'm alone in my car, music streaming out of the speakers

Listening to songs that make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world that has ever been from

California

like I'm the only one who truly understands what it means to be born in the sand

Raised by midnight walks down to Santa Monica Beach

The crowded Pier that suffocates anyone who attempts to participate in its games

The decaying AMC on the Promenade that seems to be perpetually empty

The rusty bikes on the Boardwalk

Venice Beach, in all it's weathered glory

The melancholy ocean breeze that always smells a little rotten

I love it all, anyways

In fact, I feel possessive of the imperfection of it all

The violent urge to envelope this so-called city in a bear hug overtakes me

This shitty heaven - it only can belong to me

And if anyone speaks ill of it, a quiet anger brews in my chest that makes me want to scream

You just haven't looked in the right places yet

Because the grotesqueness of it all,

The glaringly obvious flaws littering the glamor and glitz

They're what make this place home

I protect it because it protects me

[loveclub24]

If it all falls apart, I'll be moving to Silverlake

I've had this catch phrase recently that I've only been saying to myself

If it all goes to shit, I'm moving to Silverlake

To me, that's the place that will solve all my problems

that's the place where I will start over and reinvent myself

No one will know me, I can walk down the street with a spring in my step

I will be beautiful in Silverlake, I could hold my head high and listen to music in huge headphones as I walk into the grocery store

Stocking my cart with items that will surround me in my new life

I will be strong in Silverlake, I won't cry so much as I go on runs around the reservoir

I'll make cool friends and go to album release parties and dance with strangers

I won't look inward and think about whether or not I've made a grave mistake

I won't question whether or not I need to settle down because

I will be settled, I will be the queen of settling or this will be the sound of settling, whatever Death Cab said

If it all falls apart, I'm moving to Silverlake with a quiet mind and an open heart

[loveclub24]

A While

It's been A While since I've written,

Summer's heat has forced a pause on introspection

Actually, that's a lie, I just have been avoiding the page

promising myself that I'll let open the gates of my brain to write

in a few minutes

Cut to, it's been A While, as you can see here

It's August and I'm constantly filled up by nostalgia

Feeling like I'm perpetually waiting for a summer that changes me

Makes me the person that I've always wanted to be

The year is halfway over - is there still time?

or will I perpetually be stuck in sameness,

Different locations have launched me into analysis:

have I grown since the last time I was here?

Am I the same? Am I different? Am I better? Am I worse?

I guess that is August for you

The feeling of things ending and things beginning in one moment

It's almost been a decade since I've turned 18

yet I'm still deep in the labyrinth

Gasping for air, searching for signs of the

Correct Path

[loveclub24]

Late Night Talking

I so desperately want to be able to open my laptop, open up a blank page and have words pour out of my hands as I write. I want an earthquake to flow through my fingers and shatter the keyboard with its brute force... extraneous words laying in the wreckage like forgotten feelings. I need to write again like I need to love again - I want to feel it in my veins, a need so reckless that my brain can't get in the way.

It's been a long time since I've felt the urge to open up my laptop at 1am. I've had the TV on for the past few hours, but the chatter of the talking heads on the screen has been passing through my brain with seemingly no impact at all. At the same time, I've been scrolling twitter aimlessly, one might say recklessly, hoping for the answer to the question that is general anxiety... no specific questions I need an answer to, just the yearning for a solution to the anxiety itself. I'm hoping that the double whammy of TV and Twitter will keep me from consciously experiencing said anxiety, but as I type these words on this blog post, I try to face them for the first time in a long time.

How do our brains ask for help? Is there a signal that indicates something is not right, something is going awry? Is there a way to fix a brain that feels stuck in utter complacency? How can I command myself to act in way that gets me to what I want? Rather, how do I even figure out what I want?

Adrift... that is the only way to describe the way I'm feeling. Out at sea, adrift, searching for My Light House. Where are you, O Light House?

[loveclub24]

Love

Your chest moving up and down

heave ho, heave ho

Like the world’s tiniest and quietest sailors are forging ahead 

Through the seven seas to the beat of your heart

Your eyes closed, breathe lingering gently

in and out, in and out

Solid as a metronome

Your hand is on my leg, my heart is on your sleeve

This happens all the time. 

[loveclub24]

Zoomies

I’m waiting on Zoom, quick google search

What are the best questions to ask in an informational interview? 

Trying to be so Lana Del Rey

Vinyl with my line breaks, font choice, Taco Bell poetry

Oh shit, my meeting is starting

Feels like I’m already late 

[loveclub24]

Spade in Hand

Morning refresh, things have been dark lately 

I haven’t been able to get out of my own brain enough to see the 

Sun, oh and also the rain has been coming down more than it ever has

Puddles, shallow as they may be, littering the streets with their slimy 

Melody

I hope that Lana’s new album is as sad as I’ve been feeling 

Waking up, chest heaving with sobs, not knowing why

Waiting for the calm touch of spring to make me feel grounded

into the earth, spade in hand, tunneling to god knows 

Where; that's where

[loveclub24]

Girls

Sitting on my bed rewatching Girls, folding laundry, thinking about what it would be like to be living in a completely different set of skin and bones. How long will I be stuck in the endless cycle of comparison? Comparing myself to friends, family, old classmates, former coworkers, and now even... fictional characters? What is so innate in a human, whose existence is merely a speck of dust among millions of other specks, that she is doomed to live her life in the foolish pursuit of comparison? What will it feel like to accomplish what I dream... or first, what will it feel like to identify what it is that exists within those dreams? I wish I could travel outside of my body and look down at my life, and see all the beauty that exists within the small moments of my extremely small life. Because that is precisely what makes it all so beautiful - we are all, each of us, existing within this huge cauldron of space dust, knocking up against each other, separately wondering what is causing each of us such intense anxiety when we should really be looking up, and out, and holding each other close. 

[loveclub24]

Tiny Dancer

Up in the hills, the Beastie Boys called it home 

Remnants of golden times gone by; 

A crystal chandelier in the bathroom

How many glances were stolen here? Kissing on the 

Carpet; pink, dusty, filled with the hope of 

Unlimited possibility, unlimited creativity 

So many nights, littered with carefree wonder

turned into a relic with a view 

A Hopper sold at the estate sale, put into hands that ache for 

a different decade, perhaps 

They’re going to demo the house

It’s bones will be ground into the soil along with 

Madilyn Clark, herself 

Will tears creep down her cold face as she mourns her 

homeland? or will be she dancing... knowing it is in better 

Hands;

No! The ghost of existences never realized will echo throughout the new

Construction - wishing, waiting, for their lives to

begin. 

[loveclub24]

Burnout

I’m waiting to accomplish something in my life, something of note, something worthy of writing down in a journal. I used to be able to write in notebooks, floppy cursive letters sandwiched in between ruler-straight lines - which is how I always thought I would be, what I always thought I would accomplish in my life. Creativity within rigidity, a sprawling arpeggio that breaks up an even, monotonous time signature. But maybe I’m neither, maybe I’m passionless, maybe I was meant to languish in anxiety through every season. Maybe being dependable is the only magic I was destined for. 

[loveclub24]

New year, pretty much the same me but maybe slightly updated, etc.

God, how I love writing into the void on this website. There is something so peaceful about knowing that literally no one is reading. There is something perfect about this kind of anonymity - yes, a random bot or two may glance at my words occasionally, but despite this, no one knows who I am. 

It’s January 2nd, and this is a beautiful day to start my affirmations for the new year. I’m not trying to set “goals” in a girl boss-y way, I just want to write out what I want for myself, that way I (hopefully) increase the chances of these things actually happening? I’d love to become more organized this year (tbh that word is triggering as fuck so I’m sorry to even put it into this journal entry), but something that my mom said really resonated with me - how can we set goals (i.e. my general goal of organization) without putting systems in place in our lives to actually achieve said goals? Yes, she may or may not have read that in some cheesy article on the internet, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I’d really love to put some systems into place in my life this year, baybeeee! 

I actually just re-read a journal entry from January 1st last year, and I know today isn’t January 1st (but I’m treating it as such, since yesterday was busy). And I have to say - I do feel like I was able to achieve some things I set out to this year - one thing I’m really proud of is quitting my job. I still have certain regrets about it, but knowing that I got myself out of that toxic relationship with my boss has really stuck with me as one of the braver things I’ve done. It is crazy to look back on this journal entries and think about the place I’m in now career wise. Even though my job today may not be quit what I want to do with the rest of my life, my boss is amazing, my team is so kind and I’m literally getting paid DOUBLE what I was being paid last year, and for that... I am proud as fuck. So I want to take a moment and give some gratitude to myself for making that move last year. 

But yes, okay, before I get too bogged down in reading past entries written by past versions of myself, I want to write out some of my affirmations for this year. 

I will start writing my novel. 

Oh god.... I know how lame that sounds but this has been one of my goals since I was a kid. All I’ve ever wanted is to be able to see a book by me in a bookstore. I would walk about Diesel as a kid just thinking about what it would be like to have my words on their hallowed shelves. So, I think I’m going to try to start that journey this year, whatever that may end up being. So far, I don’t really have any specific ideas about maybe something in the YA genre. So, here let the record show that I want to start on that journey this year. EEP feels crazy to say that. 

I will figure out the direction I want my career to go in. 

Since I switched jobs 6 months ago (thank god), I finally feel stable in my work life and feel so extremely grateful. However, it has been leaving me with more time to actually consider what I want in life and ideally what the next step in my career would be. I’m thinking that around June, I will start to consider either applying to new jobs or think about what I want my next steps to be, and whether or not I want to stay a Roku or switch to a different department or whatever that could be. Or, maybe I want to apply to grad school or business school or something! Whatever it may be ! Let’s figure it out, please. 

I will work out more, for myself. 

I have made GREAT progress on this one this year. I’ve also been able to just eat whatever I want - and that also includes eating healthy foods when I want to, just for the simple reason of wanting to nourish my body (not trying to eat fewer calories like I used to). This year, I basically worked out whenever I wanted to... and not because I felt pressure to get in shape or get skinny etc. That has been one of the biggest life changes I’ve had since mid 2020 ish, I’ve just simply been eating whatever I want whenever I want, and it has made me much less likely to binge eat. I used to have a pretty intense binge eating issue, but that has mostly stopped because now I eat burgers, sandwiches (WITH the bread and mayo/sauce), desserts and yeah basically whatever I want. It’s been life-changing to say the least. With exercise, I realize that it does make me feel good - so in less of a let’s-lose-weight type of way and more in a let’s-make-my-body-feel-GOOD way, I want to try to go to yoga more, use ClassPass more, and also start.... dare I say it.... RUNNING longer distances? I’ve stopped running, I think it reminds me of disorder eating culture for me personally, but I’d love to start again this year just for the sake of meditation and keeping my mind healthy. 

I will make sure all of my relationships are serving me. 

This is a big one. I have been working on this already, but there are a few relationships in my life right now that I’m a little bit iffy about, and I want to work with my therapist to figure out if there are any decisions I need to make about them. 

Prioritize happiness, but also prioritize honesty. 

I think this is super important for me this year because I’ve gotten better at becoming more honest with myself and with my words, but I’ve also sometimes lacked the almost ignorance-is-bliss type of happiness that I used to really embody. I want to try to prioritize childlike wonder and happiness, and making decisions that are going to emphasize and promote happiness in my life, but I also need to be honest with those around me about how I’m feeling and what things (and people) are or aren’t bringing me said happiness.

Okay.... I’m going to publish this baby because it’s been going on for a while and my period cramps are getting horrendous. That’s all for now, or as I used to say as a pre-teen... TTFN! Here’s to a beautiful new year. Thanks for letting me meditate with you on Tumblr. 

[loveclub24]

Another Day

Okay so I haven’t written for almost two weeks now (*sigh*) so I’m a little sad that my writing streak paused for a little bit... but here I am, back and better than ever, babyeeee! I’m kidding I’ll stop sounding like the lame millennial I am, I promise. This is a week late but I wanted to write an entry about my 1975 show in LA last week. 

First of all, these shows have launched me into an extremely emotional stratosphere that is sort of hard to describe, I haven’t been in such an intensely sensitive / emotional place for a hot second, so I realize that I think I’m feeling particularly exhausted by it as well. Last Monday, I went to the Forum the forum with my boyfriend, Taylor, and one of my best friends (literally since preschool), Cambria. I dressed up in the classic Matty skinny-tie-white-button-down-black-tights-combat-boots-tumblr chic (or at least it looked chic to me LOL I’ll try to post some pics too - hey.... turning this blog into a scrapbook of some sort would be fun as well). I have never been so ready for a concert... I really feel like my Phoenix in show was a great warm up for LA and made it so I could be fully emotionally present and in the moment at this show. I had been crying for the past four days while processing that first show, so I was psyched to sob my way through At Their Very Best at the Forum. We arrived, and I made a beeline for a merch stand (getting merch was a priority for me this night since I couldn’t in Arizona). I am terrified to report that test I spend $345 on merch (but hey... some of it was for my sister too). I couldn’t find the dad hat that I really wanted, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to get that at some point (maybe they’ll sell it on the website???? ugh here’s to hoping). 

This show was fantastic because I had a seat, so different than Pheonix but it was perfect as I wasn’t ready to fight the crowd since Matty Kiss-gate had started just a few days earlier in Las Vegas (may I mention... the first show about Phoenix so I was a little butt hurt to say the least... Matty... WTF). But I was ready to just ~vibe~ (as the kids say) in the moment and enjoy the lil edible I had taken with my best friends. I was excited because I got Roadkill, Paris and ... (*drum roll ladies and gentleman*) MILK COVERED BY PHOEBE FUCKING BRIDGERS at this show! I had gotten So Far (It’s Alright) and Change in Heart in Phoenix. I will dedicate a whole paragraph to Milk because that shit was honestly life-changing. 

One thing I want to start with about this show is that I LOVE starting with The 1975 from BFIAFL. That is my favorite song from their recent album.... I just love how they decided to make it more of a full-length song for the first time. I love the idea of The 1975 being the band taking the pulse of where they are in their current state, and I just think this song is fucking genius. I mean... it’s cynical, this vitriol and Adderall and young people drinking Aperol... that just gets me every time, and into I’m sorry if you’re living and you’re seventeen.... I mean... do you want me to SOB? Do you want me to pass AWAY? As I wrote in my About You entry a few weeks ago, this album, for me, is a love letter to my 17 year old self (which coincidentally, is when I get into self-titled), so this song really feels like it sees me, and it understands that in some way a part of me will always be my 17-year-old 1975 obsessed self. The instrumental that goes into The 1975 also just makes my heart swell, that moment of knowing that they are about to open the curtain and come on stage - there was just something indescribably euphoric about this to me. Especially at this show, since I knew more so how it was going to go. 

The energy in the Forum was electric, everyone was so excited and it felt so amazing to be part of a community (god I’m so sappy) of people who were just so fucking psyched to see the 1975. To me, this is what life is - finding communities of people that are excited about the same thing, whether its friends, family, or in this case, a concert full of people in different walks of life who are some version of 75 fans. I loved the idea of the first half being a show / play, and the second transitioning into more of a classic concert / gig type feel. Oh, I can’t forget... I got to see Matty eat raw meat at this show which was truly something I’ll never forget?? I still don’t know how I feel about the Consumption part of the show but what I know I do love is seeing Matty be his insanely dramatic, narcissistic self. It’s what he does best! This time around, I really enjoyed the craftsmanship of the first half. All I Need to Hear has become a favorite of the BFIAFL part for me, his voice has been sounding so good and it’s just a classically beautiful song. It wasn’t my favorite on the album upon first listen but it’s definitely growing on me. Also, I have to say that Falling for You is one of my favorite songs from the first half as well (one of the only non BFIAFL songs in this part), this song just makes me feel like I’m a senior in high school, crying in my car listening to self-titled after my boyfriend had shattered my heart into a thousand jagged pieces. Obviously, I Like America and America Likes Me is one of my favorites as well, and I do love this new arrangement they’re doing on tour, but for some reason nothing will ever be good as their OG version. I do love seeing him wobble his way across the roof of their house set and be fucking insane per usual, though. 

Next... I want to talk about the moment of this show where my soul truly ascended out of my body. I have never let out more of an immediate guttural sob scream from the depths of my being than when Phoebe Bridgers walked out on the stage, and I realized that she was playing an acoustic version of Milk. I mean... Milk???? Are you kidding?? That is one of my favorite deep cuts of theirs, I used to listen to it on repeat all through the beginning of pandemic especially, when I was going through another 75 heavy obsession phase while feeling like I was losing the will to live during the first 6 months of quarantine. God, I love that song so much and I love Phoebe so much that I truly can’t tell you how wonderful, how truly perfect of a moment this was. It’s really hard to think of anything more I could’ve wanted from this show than Phoebe Bridgers playing an acoustic cover of Milk. This is one of the memories that I can’t stop thinking about from that show... I will never get over that. 

After this transcendent 3 minutes, we went into the second half of the show and I don’t think I stopped dancing?? Even though I didn’t have as much room as when I was on the floor in pit, I loved being able to dance and really have a full view of the venue and feel more of the experience of collectivism of this concert. Seeing everyone dance in this huge place around me really was unbelievable and felt impactful in a whole different way. 

The only slight regret I had from my shows was that I never got I Always Wanna Die Sometimes... one of my favorite songs in the whole world that they were switching out... but hey, can’t catch ‘em all I guess. It still was a fucking fantastic run and I will never forget this experience. It has meant so much to me, I really can’t explain it well enough words. 

My friend Cambria is on the left and I’m on the right! 

One more outfit pic LOL I’m so lame 

Post-concert with my outfit in slight shambles... 

[loveclub24]

Robbers

Ok, not to be extremely cliche with the title to this entry but... last night I went to the 1975 concert in Phoenix and today, I’m realizing that I had most bizarre / poignant emotional hangover. I mean, where to start, there is so much to talk about. I’m exhausted so I’m going to try to make this short, but I knew that I had to capture some of the feeling that I’ve experienced in the past 24 hours and write them down.

I definitely shed a decent amount of tears during the actual performance, which is pretty normal for me, but it wasn’t quite as much as I expected in the moment. I also felt disappointed that I didn’t cry a lot because I was worried that meant that I didn’t feel as emotionally impacted by the concert. However, tonight during my post-Thanksgiving dinner show, I started sobbing. Today I’ve been feeling this sort of melancholy that I haven’t been able to pinpoint all day. Part of me was writing it off all day just as exhaustion from not being able to sleep all last night because I was buzzing about the concert and feeling quite overwhelmed by it (in a good way, of course), but I realize that part of it was because I realized as the hours went on today that I was sad about the concert being over. It was almost as if I’m beginning to mourn these concerts, that have been so deeply long anticipated for me over the past few months, even though I still have another show on Monday night. But still, last night was the first, and it was in the pit with just Ruby and I, which all in all was just a profound as fuck experience for my silly little human existence.

Anyways, I just couldn’t figure out why I was so sad today - it was Thanksgiving, I’d just had one of the best nights of my life, and I was with my wonderful family. But as I started to tear up in the shower, I realized in that moment that I was processing the concert in a way I hadn’t the night before because I was overstimulated by enormity of the experience itself. Because, in so many ways, last night’s concert being over has many implications in my mind. On a more surface level, I’ve been confronted with direct evidence that this is the set list (or at least a close iteration of the setlist were going to be getting next week, which is a mixed bag for me because their discography is so extensive and there is no way I’m going to be able to hear all the songs that I wanted to hear in one night. I know that sounds silly, and that next week I'll likely here one or two more songs because they’re switching out a few of the songs each night, but still - since the 1975 is so charged for me, I think I had this fear I was going to be disappointed by the night and that It wouldn’t live up to expectation somehow. Earlier, I realized the almost sick and twisted thing about music and this sometimes aggressively parasocial relationship a fan has with an artist is that you’ll never be able to actually feel the closeness that you crave with them - i.e. actually meeting them in person and having them as an actual part of your life. This sounds stupid but I guess that I just mean I was feeling sad today about not being to get to meet Matty, and preemptively missing being able to have seeing them live to look forward.

As I process, I’m listening to Bagsy in Net from Notes, which is one of my favorites for when I’m feeling nostalgic and a little bit lonely. More thoughts to come, but I need to force myself to get some sleep, god fucking willing. I’m going to come back and edit this later, hopefully add some photos and videos too. 

[loveclub24]

Where the city is

If you want to find love, they said, go to the city

I’m telling you, that is what my favorite band said so shouldn’t it be true? 

So I went there, and it was big, and dark, and full of life 

I’ve found love in the city, many times 

But then I realized that there have been many cities in my life 

so, I’ve found it many a heap of concrete, woven together with people

Nothing has seemed to stick, though, since my body seems to be full of 

Changes

Flaws in Myself, so I keep changing my city 

Though I want to be permanent in one place 

I it a try and I am stuck with a sense of fear to go outside of it, the walls are thin yet impossible to move through

Then other times, when I force myself to go back to past cities, where I’ve found said connection, I realize that perhaps

Nothing truly matters