Love Follows Knowledge @lovefollowsknowledge - Tumblr Blog

1 year down, 3 to go

A lot of people ask me how school’s going, and to be honest, I struggle every time bc I don’t know what to say. Bc tbh it’s hard af, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much out of pure stress haha. The amount of reading is overwhelming and never-ending. I’ve done more presentations in my first year than my whole undergrad career combined. 10-page papers are just casually thrown at you 1-2 weeks before it’s due. - The standards are just incredibly high, and everyday I am reminded how I simply played the game and wasn’t actually the best student in college and high school haha.

But tbh that’s not even the worst part. That part was expected. I expected returning to the stressful life of a student and having to re-learn how to stay focused and prioritize. I knew it would be hard, but I felt like I could figure it out and get in a groove eventually. Which I’m more or less able to do by the end of the semester haha. But, no, the hardest part and the part I never expected was the internal work this program would cause me to do.

Imposter syndrome - I’ve struggled with self-doubt in the past but never anything like this. Every. Single. Day. I think, “Wth am I doing here? Who do I think I am that I can be here? That I can be in this space and succeed? That I’m as good as these other people in my cohort? That I’m deserving? That I’m capable?” Everyday I feel small and incapable and stupid for even thinking I could possibly belong in higher academia and succeed not only in school but in this career. I look around and I see all these intelligent, experienced folks, most of which are younger than me, and I’m like “uhhh I come from ministry and working with K-8 kids, and I just wanna help them feel better and loved.” Hahah I just feel so small next to everyone in my cohort. I don’t answer questions the same way they do, I don’t make connections as fast as they do, I don’t think to ask the kind of questions they do. I feel very ill-equipped everyday. BUT what I’m clinging to is that God put me there. I applied to so many other schools, and this was the one that worked out. And ever since then He has been providing in so many different ways that make my decision to stay at SMC easier. I’ve thought many times of just giving up, especially in the beginning, but every time there’s just something inside that’s like “just give it a chance.” And so I stay, against all doubt and disbelief within, I somehow stick around. Bc He just keeps making a way. And my motto lately has been “just say yes to what’s right in front of you,” and well He keeps keeping SMC right in front of me, so here we are haha. Another thing I cling to is my professors. My professors, who are professionals academically and in the field, have been so encouraging and so supportive. So I figure, if God keeps making a way and if my professors aren’t telling me I’m a straight idiot for thinking I can be in this program, well I must be in the right place. And so while I still struggle with self-doubt and imposter syndrome, I’m trying to cling to these objective truths outside of me - the affirmation of both our Lord and my professors. And slowly, I’ve been letting myself just lean in and rest in that. Rather than constantly fighting it, I’m learning to receive it and just keep saying yes, till it’s clear I need to move on. But till then, here we go for another year! Haha

Privileges, oppressions, and biases - This is probably by far the hardest part of this program so far. Every class starts here - What is your worldview pertaining to a certain topic, how did you get that worldview, what values do you hold that come out of that, what biases do you have bc of that, what parts of that are rooted in experiences of oppression, what parts of that are rooted in your identities of privilege, how will that impact your work as a clinician working with various communities and populations? Every single class starts with a self-assessment, and it is the most humbling shit ever. Sometimes it’s caused me to face wounds I never thought I’d have to or even knew were really there. Other times it’s caused me to acknowledge my positions of privilege and recognize the blindspots it’s given me and even ways that I myself have perpetuated and upheld oppressive beliefs. I’ve had to trace back my values and really question where they came from, what are my biases, and how could this limit me in my work with clients. And it’s just been extremely challenging. It’s causing me to realllly dig, and it really just feels like tilling the soil of my heart (which goes to show be careful what you pray for bc that’s been my prayer for years now lol), where things are being brought to surface but also that things are getting torn up.

Call to love - What’s been especially intense and challenging is how a lot of the values and worldviews presented in class and held by most of my colleagues are very outside everything that I’ve been formed to believe pretty much my whole life. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been in a Catholic setting. From being raised in ministry, to studying theology at the most Catholic school on Earth, to being a youth minister myself, I have always been immersed in the Catholic faith and surrounded by faithful Catholics. And this is what I’m learning is my biggest bias. And it’s not that I’m doubting my faith or leaving it behind, but what I’m realizing is by being in a Catholic bubble all my life, I have no idea how to live outside of that bubble, how to be with people who aren’t faithful Catholics, how to be surrounded by beliefs that are not my own. And honestly, if this were me 10, maybe even 5 years ago, I would say, “What do you mean? There’s only one way to think, one way to live, I’m right, they’re wrong.” And I would hold fast to that and I might even leave the program, completely scandalized and frustrated by the things they’re teaching and the beliefs my colleagues hold; I would run back to an ultra-catholic university. But instead, I’m learning to just be in it. Not reject it, not debate it with my theology, not close my ears to it and pick and choose what I want to learn and be prepared for in the field. I’m just in it, taking it in, listening and learning. Because what I feel like this program is preparing me for is the ability to love. I am learning things that I KNOW my Steubie friends or even Steubie Mare would be so upset and straight up appalled by. But what I feel like the Lord is saying when I learn about all the different ways people experience life, ways that are so beyond even my awareness, is “These are My people too. This is My heart too. I have come for them too.” And that’s what I think of when I think of the future and working with someone with such opposing views and experiences from my own. That those differences don’t matter, what matters is that Christ’s heart is still thirsting for love right there. There are so many people in my cohort that say they used to be Catholic or used to be Christian but left bc of a certain belief or a certain prejudice they feel the Church holds. They say it’s complicated bc they still believe but they don’t want to belong to the Church. And you feel/hear the ache, the confusion, the hurt in their words. And what I’ve learned is that people don’t leave the Church bc they want to leave the Church or bc they randomly stopped believing in God. They left bc somewhere along the way someone failed to love them. Whether that’s one person or multiple or they felt rejected by the entire institution. And this has been one of my most challenging parts this year bc on the one hand I am feeling deeply how I have failed to love and how the Church has failed to love. But on the other hand, I feel extremely conflicted bc I have never had to live and love among those who think and believe differently from me. I’m learning how many of my years of formation actually taught me how to judge and be self-righteous and persecute and reject those who think even an ounce different from how the Church teaches. And I have cried many tears, aching, telling the Lord, “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to live in this world.” I’m learning that it’s hard. It’s freaking hard being a Catholic today, a 31-year-old, single Catholic woman, and it’s honestly a battle I’ve never had to engage in until now. And yet, I am so so grateful for the opportunity to study at SMC bc all I keep thinking is, “They’re stretching my heart to love better. To see others more fully for who they are. To make my heart a greater capacity.” And yeah it gets complicated with theology, philosophy, morality, I’m not saying throw caution to the wind and leave all teaching behind. I’m just learning that sometimes (if not all the time) loving someone whole-heartedly, without judgment, without agenda, without condition is more important, more impactful, more meaningful than stuffing teaching down their throat and forcing them to accept it before they become a member of the Church. I just find it so ironic that my first time being in a secular setting, I am learning more about Christ’s unconditional, intimate love and the call to love with a love that knows no bounds in a way that is more real and more tangible than ever before. So while it is difficult engaging in lectures and discussions that challenge my beliefs and values, I’m grateful nonetheless for the ways it’s stretching my heart, mind, and worldview.

It’s been purifying to say the least, and it’s only been 1 year! We’ll see how these next 3 years go ;)

LDM

Rejoice! It is time.

This picture was taken just a little over 5 years ago. More specifically, it was taken on October 22, 2015 while I was living in Michigan. And ever since October 22 of this year I have been trying to get the words out of what this year’s anniversary of this picture has meant to me, but every time I feel like I come up short. I’ve tried to write it out, pray it out, and talk it out with those closest to me, but every time I feel like I’m at a lost for words as to how to adequately convey what this year’s anniversary means to me. Because for the first time, I am not afraid.

I usually hate this time of year. During this time of year I usually avoid any old posts, old pictures, and most especially any old memories. I try to avoid anything that could remind of the day this was taken. Because on this day 5 years ago, I went into the hospital for my first time ever. It was for my depression. The days and weeks leading up to this day were intense. My mind was completely gripped by the conviction of suicide. I was starting to think in lasts. Last time I would see my family, last time I would talk to friends, last time I would drive down roads, last time I would walk along paths.

There was one time in particular I was walking along a path I had been walking almost daily. It was actually a beautiful fall day, but my mind was very very dark. I started to see everything as an opportunity, and I had already made up my mind that once I got back home that would be it. But by God’s providence alone, I was met with a busy house, too busy to do anything so severe. So I trudged along.

There was another day in particular where I was alone at work. I had gone to vigil Mass and stayed behind uncontrollably sobbing in my pew till everyone was gone and all the lights shut off. It was to the point I even had another parishioner check on me before they left. I bawled all the way down the hallway back to my office and tried so hard to distract myself with work and worship music, but nothing helped. Eventually I sought out professional help, but even that brought no relief. But again, by God’s providence alone, my therapist from California, who I hadn’t talked to in 8 months, randomly called me just to check in and talked me through all the thoughts I was having. She told me “Don’t let this be the end. FIGHT! Which for you mostly means, RECEIVE!”

One other time that I will always remember was one evening we all came back home from something, maybe vigil Mass, and it was one of those days where I had to fight with all my strength not to completely break down. So the moment we got home, I went straight to my room, locked the door, and just tossed and turned in agony on my bed not knowing how to deal with the swirl of sadness, darkness, hopelessness going on in my head. I texted Ate right away that I wouldn’t be joining them that night for whatever dinner or movie they were gonna do. But she sent Jobo to go check on me. I paced the room debating if I should just push through, let him in, and go join them. I decided against it and shooed him off. But with God’s loving and relentless providence, He sends Ate down to check on me who refuses to let me keep the door locked. I open the door, and immediately she just scoops me up in all my despair and lets me cry in her arms. We spend the rest of the night just laying in my bed as I word vomit all the sadness I had been bottling up.

Finally the day came when my doctor wouldn't let me sit in my thoughts anymore. It just wasn't safe. So she made me promise I’d take myself to the hospital, call her when I got there, and have the hospital call her if they didn’t admit me. I drove home completely stunned, shocked, and dumbfounded that it had actually reached that point. It was one of those drives I had no idea how I got home. Very emptily, I packed my stuff trying to accept the fact that I was going to the hospital with a very high chance of me staying there overnight. My brother called in that moment, and that’s when I started to break. He told me, “This is only the beginning, and I can’t wait to see you come out the other side. You’re gonna be so much stronger.” He then asked if I wanted him and Rose to come out, and very timidly, I said yes. It was hard for me to admit, but I really really needed them in that moment. I needed the assurance of love. I needed to know it was going to be okay. I needed to be taken care of. So I gave in.

That night was by far the scariest moment of my life. Kuya and Ate stayed with me till the doctors and nurses said that was as far as they could go and as long as they could stay. My heart sunk in that moment as things started to get more and more real with them leaving. I did my orientation interview with the nurse, and that’s when she told me the soonest I could get out of there was Monday bc the minimum was usually 3 days and the discharge doctor doesn’t work on weekends. Monday was 4 days away. I went to bed that night in medical robes and bawled myself to sleep. If I didn’t have a roommate I would probably be wailing with every bit of fear and anxiety within me. I was doing one of those big silent cries, where the weight is so heavy but I’m not able to make a sound.

The next 4 days were intense as I had to face my darkness straight in the eyes for my first time, with no other distractions, no other escape. I spent my days calling anyone I possibly could from those free phones, just desperate to hear a voice outside those hospital walls. Something to keep me grounded that there is life outside of this, there is hope and people waiting for me. I lived for 4-5pm, the one hour a day we were allowed to have visitors. That first day in particular, it felt like forever till Ate got there. Ohhh but when she did, it was over. We were a mess. We both hated that I was there, and we both desperately wanted me to leave, but I just couldn’t. The following days Ced and Rose were there, and a couple times even brought me the Eucharist :) It was a scary time, but also very reflective. At this point I was 99.9999% convinced I was made for suicide, and if anyone found me loved and lovable, it was them that was being deceived. But the nurses and doctors couldn’t understand why I was there because it was clear I had a good life and was blessed with a solid support system. But as I was reading through my notes from my time there - which I almost never do, except this year - I wrote what one of the doctors told me, “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.”

And well, here I am 5 years later, and for the first time, instead of running in fear from the memories of this time in year, the only word I can come up with to sum up how I’m feeling is REJOICE. This year on October 22 all I wanted to do was rejoice over the memories. Instead of hiding in shame, I wanted everyone to know it’s been 5 years bc I’m honestly so proud. Because waking up on October 22, 2020 it felt like I could finally exhale. There’s something about this year that makes me feel like I can finally say, “You did it. You survived. It’s over.” There’s something about this year that makes it feel like this chapter of depression is finally over, and I can now move on. And I wish I can tell you what exactly made it that way, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s more to process, but it’s as if I just found myself on the other side. The other side that Ced talked to me about right before I went in. It’s like one of those war movies, where the scene cuts just as they’re in the middle of big explosions, and everything feels overwhelming. But the very next scene is the solider waking up, and the next thing he knows is the war is done. The battle was won, he fought the good fight, and he’s free to return home. That’s where I’ve seemed to find myself. It’s as if I found myself with the strength that Ced almost prophesied over me right before I went in. And it blows me away that on the one year I’m actually brave enough to read my old notes, this is the one I find - “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.” And it’s not even that I would write to Past Mare of 5 years ago and say, “Yes! Stick around bc it does get good!” As if all this will go away soon and all my dreams will come true. Bc that 100% didn’t happen. But I would tell myself “stick around, feel the feels, voice all the thoughts, and just keep fighting. bc one day, you will find yourself free.”

Bc that’s exactly how I feel - free. It’s as if I’ve been chained down all this time, and by God’s grace the locks have been broken, and I can walk free, no conditions, no tricks, just free. Almost like Genie at the end of Aladdin. He fought the fight, he was faithful, and now the cuffs are simply off and he’s free to go. Just like that. And every time I’ve tried to write this out, pray this out, talk this out, I am brought to tears bc the freedom isn’t just from the fear and despair I felt 5 years ago in that hospital. The truth is that hospital bed was a lonnnng time coming. The tears of rejoicing that I shed now are not only for Hospital-Mare 5 years ago, but for St. Rose-Mare 7 years ago who felt like a piece of shit every single day, Newly Graduated-Mare 8 years ago who felt life was hopeless, Senior Year of College-Mare 9 years ago who couldn’t help but be attracted to the idea, and Senior Year of High School-Mare 13 years ago who felt no one would even notice or care. Bc for the first time in 13 years I am no longer plagued by the conviction that my life is irreversibly hopeless and helpless, that I am intrinsically unloved and unlovable, and that as sure as the sun will rise, I am destined for suicide. For the first time in 5 years I am no longer afraid of this time of year bc there is a still but sure certainty that my life is about to change as this 13 year battle has finally come to an end. Not that depression will be fully behind me and will no longer be a thing for me for the rest of my life, but that depression no longer runs my life. Depression no longer dictates my life. Depression may still be in the car, but it no longer drives the car of my life. And I can’t help but weep over this triumph.

It’s such a trippy and almost anticlimactic experience though bc there really isn’t 1 particular moment I can point to. (Well maybe there is but that might be for another story ;)) But even then, there was more before leading up to that moment. Like so many people, 2020 has brought a lot of loss for me. But most of mine are relationships (for different reasons). I lost a couple relationships with people who have guided me through many years of my life; I lost a very personal and close relationship; I lost the relationships from my job and all those that came with it (at least the nature of them). And while each loss has brought a lot of grief, worry, and tears, at the end of the day there was peace bc it all just felt part of the plan. It felt like watching the series finale of a show where everything starts to find resolution, bringing the show to a final and peaceful close. With every loss this year, it felt like another resolution and another part of the story coming to an end. It felt like the final pages of a book closing. And something in me just knew, this is it.

And again, I wish I could say I went to the hospital and that was it. Life was beautiful and perfect and made complete sense. But that’s just not true. I went 2 more times before moving back home to Cali and went another time for a very long stretch for what ended up being lupus. I lost a lot of dreams and cried many tears of agony and frustration and honestly straight anger towards God. But I had to keep moving. The freedom I live in now didn’t come with one big moment. It came with the last 5 years after the hospital, and the 4 years before the hospital, of doing the hard work in therapy. I had to learn to grow in trust and vulnerability. I had to learn how to receive care and love (probably the hardest part of it all). I had to be docile to practice what I was learning in therapy. I had be honest with my thoughts and feelings to myself, my therapist, the group I was in therapy with, and most especially with those closest to me, especially those I lived with. It also took a lot of trial and error wth medication. It took hard work, and a lot of it was being brave enough to enter into the darkness, let myself feel the feelings and voice the thoughts. It took a lot of letting people speak truth to me and even speaking truth to myself, even if it all felt like a lie. It took faithfulness to holy hours, receiving the Eucharist, and daily prayer time even if all I had was anger or indifference towards God, even if it all felt empty and pointless. It took repeating the name of Jesus, endlessly reciting the Memorare, and begging for St. Michael’s intercession in the scariest moments of my depression. It took long, hard work, but what brings me to cry tears of rejoicing now is not only how long it’s taken me to get here, but remembering the faithfulness of God to His promises.

7 years ago I was given the penance to read the Gospel of Mark, and the verse that struck me right away was Mk 5:41 “Taking her by the hand He said to her, ‘Talitha cumi,’ which means, ‘little girl I say to you, arise.’” Instantly, I knew the Lord was talking to me. The first promise.

5 years ago hiding in my hospital bed, I was looking for a specific verse in Isaiah, but I ended up on Is 43:18-19 “Remember not the events of past, the things of old consider not; see I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? In the wilderness I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.” Once again, instinctively I knew this was for me. It was the beginning that Ced was talking to me about before going in. The second promise.

Over the last few months, the verse that I find myself repeating to myself over and over, especially in times of most anxiety, fear, and worry is Jer 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.” The third promise.

This year I can’t help but cry as I look at this picture and reminisce on all the intense trapped darkness because I feel like I am now standing in the fulfillment of these promises He made to me so long ago. I just feel like He’s saying, “it’s time.” It’s finally time for me to rise up. It’s finally time for me to see this new thing He’s been building and shaping for me. It’s finally time for me to walk on the water. It’s time for me to rise out of my fear and reclaim the life and joy depression has stolen from me all those years. And in that rising, in that reclaiming, also comes the gift, the permission, the freedom to dream again and the grace and courage to pursue those dreams. Me! Me, dream again! It’s the most surreal experience that I could actually be free to walk into the light, dare to dream anew, and live unafraid of the consequences should failure come. Me! Unafraid! I just keep thinking, who the heck do I think I am that I could dream and live unafraid? That I could be free to live life joyfully again? To live bravely? To live unchained? Who am I? And I honestly can’t answer that. I can’t say I’m deserving. I can’t say to myself it is safe and possible. But the Lord in all His patience and authority just keeps saying, it is time. Today, once again in God’s providence, I happen to come across Dn 10:19 “Fear not, beloved, you are safe; take courage and be strong.” And I just feel like He’s like “Yes, you!” haha. What trips me up is realizing that healing isn’t always this big, extravagant thing. Sometimes, it’s the slow but steady work of God. Sometimes it’s just doing the work day in and day out, and being faithful to that work, and one day the Lord gives you the grace to see you’re already there. The fight is won, and you are free. No strings attached, no tricks. Just free.

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I’ll be honest, I’ve been fighting the Lord like “Are you sure??! bc I have no idea how to do life outside of this depressed world!” I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, who dreams all those years of leaving her tower to pursue the lights. But once her chance has finally come and she’s able to taste a new, free life, guilt takes over her, and she goes back and forth if it was the right decision - Do I dare to believe my identity could be more than my depression? This reality I’ve known for so much of my life. Do I dare take the Lord up on His offer and leave my dark tower? - But as she keeps going and finally makes it to the boats, she admits she’s afraid, “what if it’s not everything I hoped it would be?…and what if it is?” To which she’s told, “that’s the good part, you get to dream a new dream.” And as things unfold, she suddenly finds herself unafraid. And that’s where I feel I am. It’s scary bc I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have it all completely mapped out like I’d like, but all I know is it is finally my time to arise. It’s time for me to feel that water as I step out of the boat. It's time to dare to dream again, dare to live life again, and this time walk along side our Lord every step of the way. Let Him dream His dreams through me. Let my dreams unite with His. And dare I admit, I’m actually getting excited about it! :)

It’s scary, and it calls for a new level of vulnerability, and I am begging everyday for the courage to lean into this new life. But at this point all I can say is I can’t believe I made it! I can’t believe it’s over! I can’t believe I survived! And I know I wouldn't be here if it weren’t for the countless prayer warriors I have out there, prayer warriors I’m not even aware of. All the prayers, the rosaries, the Masses, the holy hours that have been offered up for me. Graces I’m sure I will be unpacking for the rest of my life. And I most especially wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those closest to me while I was in the thick of it. Special shout out to the Urginos, to my parents, to Ced and Rose, to Ming and King, and to Age - those that literally stopped their lives just to be by my side 5 years ago. And to Hyds and Anhel who dealt with every frantic text during that time (and who still do) and never tired of speaking truth to me. I’ve screenshotted so many of our texts, and I still go back to them every now and then on some of my hardest days. And of course to my therapists, my doctors, my spiritual directors. For carrying every heavy thought with me and never letting up. And finally, to all my Kuya and Ate Saints, I know it was you guys holding me up and keeping me close to the Lord when I couldn’t do it myself.

Glory to God through Mary! I have no idea what’s next, but thank You in advance for whatever happens from here. Let’s get it! :)

LDM

Talitha Koum

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” - Isaiah 43:18-19

3 years ago I wrote this verse in my journal in what might have been the peak of my anxiety. It was my second night in the hospital, and I was desperate to cling to any kind of hope. It didn't feel completely true, but I was holding onto hope against hope that despite my current feelings these words could be true, and they could be true for me. My reflection went on,

“I feel like You’re saying ‘I know this feels normal but forget it. It doesn't have to be. I’m setting you free if you let Me.’ Making me new not because who I was was bad. You’re keeping me, just making me more purified, more me without so many dead vines grown over, but new, free to be in the light, breathe fresh air and live.”

I wrote these words 3 years ago when I was at the peak of my depression. When the only conviction I had was that I was destined to kill myself. When the only conviction I had was I was a worthless piece of shit who deserved only to die. I was convinced that anyone who loved me was delusional. That they had no idea who I really was and if they did, they would surely not stick around to keep loving me. It got to the point when saying goodbye to loved ones, I would think “they have no idea this will be the last time.” It was a dark and scary place to be. But I clung to these words hoping that this wouldn't be the end, but in fact it was only the beginning.

Right before I went into the hospital my older brother called me and asked if I wanted him to come there, as I was living in Michigan at the time. I told him if at all possible that would be nice. And then he went into an exhortation about how strong I was and how much stronger I’ll be when I get out of this. He told me how this was only the beginning of my story and he can’t wait to hear it when I come out on the other side. I wanted to believe him. So as I laid in my hospital bed those 4 nights those were the words I clung to - this is not the end, this is only the beginning.

And well, here I am 3 years later and his words, these words of Scripture couldn't be more true! I’ve been feeling from the Lord a call to share my story. I used to want to share it because I needed pity. I needed people to know the battles I had gone through and the wounds that were left behind. I needed people to know the depths of my darkness simply to know the depths of my darkness. To know what a crappy life I had been secretly living through. I just wanted to expose my wounds to the world. But really, there is nothing productive about that. Misery truly does love company, and that’s what I was seeking. So I knew it wasn't time to write about it. I had heard on a podcast how to know what to share publicly and what to keep private. She said she shares her scars and not her wounds. She doesn't share the things she was still currently going through and wrestling with. She shares only parts that have already experienced healing and resurrection. And so I knew it wasn't time because I knew my brokenness was still open wounds and not yet healed up scars.

Until the Lord started to change things and really opened my eyes to all He was doing. Because the truth is, there is something different about me these days. I mean just hearing my brief excerpt of my battle with depression you can imagine the heaviness I constantly held in my heart. There was both a physical and emotional weight I was carrying around with me. There was a perpetual anxiety wondering if I was enough, if I was loved and lovable. There was a convicted doubt that anyone around me really saw me, knew me, and loved me. There was a true darkness I lived in, and I lived in it for many many years. In fact, when I was in college I used to get this image regularly. Usually when I’m distracted in prayer and I really try to enter in, I try to imagine what it would be like to be in front of the Lord right there and in, if it were just me and Him in that exact moment. And when I was in college I often imagined Him before me with me holding, pressing down hard on my stomach where there seemed to be an open gunshot-like wound. My hand would be covered in blood, and it would be seeping right through. The Lord would obviously notice and try to tend to it, but I would deny it and try to get His attention off of it, move on, and wait to listen for His next task for me to do. I was so clearly wounded, so clearly broken and yet for years I went on to ignore it, even deny that it was ever there, when all the while the Lord didn't want my service, He just wanted to tend to my wound and love me in my brokenness. I said no to the invitation for a long time, until 3 years ago when I was in the absolute thick of it. I gave Him just the tiniest of chances to try to heal me, and He took it with full force.

And 3 years later, after much much grinding through the process, there is a definite change in my life. My plans were completely shot. I’m not pursuing the career I always desired. I’m not living the Vocation I always dreamt of. I’m not in some far off land as a missionary like I always imagined myself. I’m not rich. I’m not famous. I am nowhere I ever thought I would be. And yet, I am the happiest I have EVER been, in a place I least expected. There is something distinctly different about my life right now, about my mind, about my heart, about my body. And I keep coming back to this verse “I am doing something new, do you not perceive it?” His promise to make me a new creation. Because boy oh boy am I living in that promise right now!

There’s no huge revelation the Lord has given me to bring complete clarity to my future. It’s nothing like that. But it’s in the the little things, in very way that I walk. There have been SO MANY TIMES where I’m walking at work, just running an errand across campus, and I get caught completely off guard because I notice there’s a difference even in my gait. I walk lighter now. I walk with purpose. I walk with joy. I walk with excitement, willingness, and eagerness to do life. There have been so many times I’m with my family - my cousins, titos, titas, nieces, and nephews - and I just stop because I find myself so completely full of life and joy and complete gratitude for being in their presence. There have been so many times when I sit at the counter of our kitchen, openly share my life with my parents, and walk away so assured that I am loved and lovable. There have been so many times I am doing nothing but working out or playing board games or simply working in silence with my friends where I just stop and smile, filled with gratitude for their ever-enduring presence in my life. And mostly, there have been SO MANY TIMES where I catch myself smiling ear to ear, laughing with all the breath in my lungs, and I just smile all the more, laugh all the more because I CANNOT believe that I am actually GENUINELY smiling and laughing.

I am in awe of health of my mind, heart, and body right now because I just never thought I would make it to this point or even to this day, and I never thought I could be this happy exactly where I am.

I knew it was time to share my story because when I imagine myself in prayer with the Lord I’m brought back to that scene where we’re face to face and I’m holding hard to my side to cover up the wound. But this time, I remove my hand and there is no wound, there is no blood. It’s a completely new and different image. I shared before about what it meant to me when my doctor said there were no more signs of active lupus in my body. But there was so much more. When he told me, I could barely process what it all meant, I just knew it was making me highly emotional and full of gratitude. Until there was a day, I was getting ready to drive home and it just hit me - this was His invitation to freedom that He promised me so long ago. I knew it didn't mean my life would be perfect and free of struggle from now on, but I knew He was inviting me to something new. I had experienced healing in my life before, and every time I would fall back into the life I lived before I got sick. But this time was different. This time I knew it was an invitation to step into something completely new. And I cried hard because I knew this was my breath of fresh air, my permission to step out and live in the light. This was the promise He whispered into my heart 3 years ago.

I have no idea what’s in store, and sometimes I get anxious about that, but my therapist likes to remind me - you don’t need to know, what you know is enough. So I have no idea, but I do know there is a lot of praise that is due to our Lord for His incredible goodness in my life, and I’m excited to let you fully into it.

So this isn't a story of my depression or my illnesses. This is a story of hope and promise and God’s relentless love and mercy. This is the story of God whispering in my heart so long ago, “Talitha koum,” which means “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” (Mk 5:41)

LDM - Laus Deo Mariaque - All glory to God through Mary!

Full Restoration

As I sit here trying to process the news that there is officially no longer any evidence of active lupus in my body - I have all these songs coming to mind that help me give praise to God.

“I am strong, and full of life I am steadfast, no compromise I left my sails to the sky I’m gonna catch the wind

Your faithfulness will never let me down, I’m confident I’ll see your goodness now I know you hear my heart I’m singing out There’s nothing that can stop your goodness now” - Catch the Wind by Melissa Helser

“We’re choosing celebration Breaking into freedom You’re the song You’re the song Of our hearts” - Joy by Rend Collective

“Your love has set the broken captives free Your love release the chains once binding me I’m found in grace in love’s embrace My heart is overwhelmed” - My Heart is Overwhelmed by Hillsong

And that’s exactly where my heart is - my heart is overwhelmed to the point I’m having difficulty putting things into words. But I want to try my best because I think it’s worthwhile getting this out on (virtual) paper. Because God is just too good to me! Allow me to paint a picture of why my heart is so overwhelmed with this news.

My first thoughts immediately go to my time in the hospital. I was obviously very sick before going in and while I was there it felt like I was almost getting worse by the day. They couldn't figure it out. I had my bone marrow extracted and examined, I had blood transfusions, I had a spinal tap, I had all these different doctors coming in and checking out my case that was puzzling to everyone that came across it. At one point they threw out the possibility of cancer - which was probably the most crushing thing to hear of all considered diagnoses. But then I did a kidney biopsy and that was the final piece to confirm it was, in fact, Lupus. But let me tell you exactly how my doctor told me. Once he said it was lupus he said - there are different stages of lupus nephritis (lupus that effects the kidneys). There’s 1 and 2 which means you have lupus, but it’s not so bad, very manageable. Then there’s 3 and 4 which is much more aggressive. And then there’s even an offset to stage 4 that is both extremely rare and extremely aggressive. - You have the most extreme form of stage 4 lupus nephritis - So when I got out of the hospital and people asked me how I felt knowing I finally had a diagnosis, I knew they were expecting me to say I was relieved. Which is true, I was. To finally have an answer. But more than anything else I was filled with intense fear, confusion, and anxiety for the future. I left the hospital with a long list of medicines but all I could think about was this one he said I would be on for a minimum of 2 years and once we hit the 2 year mark then we can start to consider tapering me off. That was the moment I realized - this is for real. This a lifelong thing. That was the moment I knew my life was changed forever.

It freaked me out. I knew I could talk to my friends and family about it, which I did. But I knew I had to talk to people who actually had lupus as well. So being the introvert that I am, I joined all kinds of lupus groups on Facebook. It was supposed to bring comfort knowing I wasn't alone in this battle. It was supposed to console all my fears that my life was over because of lupus. It was supposed bring clarity on what comes next after the diagnosis. But instead I was met with story after story about how this one medicine (which I was also taking) just ruins your life with all the side effects. They talked about how they have been diagnosed for 15-20 years, on medication, and still suffering everyday. They talked about how they never really went back to work. They posted picture after picture of the different symptoms they were getting that just looked the most unpleasant. And as I scrolled through pages of these posts, I felt like I was looking into my future. I knew my life would be on hold for at least the next 2 years because of my medication, but it seemed those 2 years could easily turn into the rest of my life. It was so depressing reading their stories, seeing their pictures because I was convinced that’s what was waiting for me.

But, surpassing all my expectations, one month later, my swelling went down and I could wear my shoes again. Another month later I started traveling again. Another month passes and I’m hanging out with my friends outside the house again. 2 months later, I’m driving again. 6 months after my diagnosis I’m off that medicine with the horrible side effects AND I’m weightlifting for the first time in over a year. 7 months after my diagnosis I’m hiking again AND my kidneys go into remission. The following month I go back to work after 2 years of being on leave. And since then I’ve been traveling, hiking, going out with friends, working hard at my job, and striving to live the fullest life I could live as a 27 year old with physical and mental illnesses. I pushed and I pushed hard to go back to as normal a life as I could. But in spite of all these activities and all my energy coming back, my doctor would constantly remind me, “you’re better but you’re still not out of the woods yet!”

But y’all! Here I am a mere 16 months after my diagnosis and THERE ARE NO SIGNS OF ACTIVE LUPUS IN MY BODY!! What does that mean?? It means my lab work looks just as good as the next healthy person! The clincher (and this might get a little too medical but whatevs) was my protein and my compliments. All those who were with me in the hospital know that as time went on, the treatment kicked in, and although I wasn't 100% I was definitely ready to go home, in that the rest of my treatment could be done as outpatient. It was all looking good, we had the diagnosis as confirmed as could be, we figured out the meds, but the one thing that was keeping me from being discharged was my potassium. It was like everyday we’d wait to hear the results of my potassium, but it would still be ridiculously high. It would begin to taper down, but it was just never enough to get me in the clear. Until that one glorious day it finally hit the marker and I could go home! That’s how I feel about my protein and my compliments. When lupus is active, the body spills protein in your urine and your compliments are insanely high. Since starting treatment for lupus, it took time but eventually all my labs were coming back to normal. They even considered my kidneys to be in remission. They would say while the nephritis is gone, the lupus is still working. And each month I would visit my doctors I’d have less and less symptoms, I’d be stronger and stronger each time, my labs looking better and better…except for my protein and compliments. I was still spilling and my compliments were still too high to be considered within normal range. Even if it was just a hair above the margin, it was still there. And at some point I stopped waiting to hear that they’re back to normal. It wouldn't even be something I’d consider because I knew it would just always be there. Not in a depressing, hopeless kind of way, but I just kind of resigned to the fact that this is the way it is. I was still far from my 2 year mark so I knew no drastic changes could happen for a while. But then on Monday I meet with my kidney doctor, the same doctor that gave me my official diagnosis. We go through the normal examination of things making sure it’s all good. And he doesn't usually go over my labs in detail with me. But this time he pulls out my chart, shows me the numbers, and says in the calmest tone “There’s no more spilling in your urine, and your compliments are finally down within the normal range. So there’s no evidence of active lupus in your body. So that’s good.” I try to match his tone and just respond “oh ok well yeah that is good.” And it doesn't even hit me till I finally start telling people — the Lord has brought full restoration to my body!! Not even a year and a half after diagnosis! AND that medicine that I’m supposed to be taking for 2 years has already been cut in half!

Now that doesn't mean I no longer have lupus. My rheumatologist made it clear that once I have lupus, I have lupus. There is no cure as of yet. BUT lupus can go to sleep. And that’s what we saw in Selena Gomez with her kidney transplant, and that’s what we see now in ME! And my brother put it best. He goes, “Miraculous Mare. It means your life doesn't need to be defined by lupus. God really makes a way.” And that’s exactly how it feels hearing this news.

1) It is miraculous! Hearing all those stories, meeting people in their older age with lupus, remembering keenly the trauma of the total breakdown of my body, and even considering the timeline I should be on these meds - there are so many reasons I shouldn't be doing as well as I am right now! I attribute this quick recovery to my doctors and their amazing attentiveness and care to my situation. I attribute it to my medication and how fast working they are. But more than anything else I am CONVINCED the biggest contributor to this new news is the prayers of each and every single one of you. When I say the number of people praying for me is countless I mean it more literally than I’ve ever meant anything else. It BLOWS MY MIND how many people are praying for me. How many Masses have been offered up for me, daily rosaries, daily prayers. I saw a Tita at Mass yesterday, and I wanted to tell her the good news because I know she's been praying for me since day one. Before I even said a word she knew (because my mom beat me to it). And I told her I wanted to make sure I came and told her about it because I knew she was one of my greatest prayer warriors. I told her “I just wanna thank you so much for all your prayers!” She goes “I pray for you every day…2 times a day…3 times a day! In the morning, when I go to Mass, then in the evening. And I still do!” O.M.G. my heart hearing those kind of things! I know it’s your prayers, the intercession of our Saints, the closeness of Our Lady (and the consumption of her Lourdes water), and the most intense, realest love and mercy of God! It was Him that got me through the hospital, and it’s Him that brought me this kind of healing. So yes, there’s no better way to describe the shock I feel than saying it is indeed miraculous.

2) My Lupus diagnosis does not have to mean the end of my life, the end of my joy, the end of living life abundantly (as Christ promised). It’s a big part and certainly a life changer but most definitely not the end and most definitely not all encompassing of everything my life is destined to be…but more on this in another blog ;)

3) God really makes a way. He just does. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude for Him. I am flattened, absolutely flattened by the immense, reckless love He has for me. Which is also something for another blog ;)

But basically TL;DR I did not see this coming, this quick recovery and abundant restoration, and I am shocked by the amazing, free gift God has given me through it. The gift of freedom. The gift of peace. The gift of relief. The gift of amazing joy and many many happy happy tears. I’m just flattened y’all!

Oh Jesus, thank you for your love! Father, thank you for never letting me go! Holy Spirit, thank you for always making it clear just how close you truly are! There’s just not enough words.

LDM, y’all! Laus Deo Mariaque! Glory to God through Mary!

10ft Radius

I keep trying to come up with some profound caption but really it all comes down to what the Lord has called me to through this past Advent. My question from the beginning was “How can I make room for You? What do I need to let go of to make space for You? What’s standing in the way of You truly making a home in my heart?” And I kept waiting for some sort of serious sin to come up, some material possession, or waiting for Him to tell me I need to do more. But as I was praying through the Litany of Trust, the lines that kept sticking out to me were...

From anxiety about the future...

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past...

From restless self-seeking in the present moment,

Deliver me, Jesus

And I realized, I’ve been so caught up with the brokenness of my past, frustrated that things now aren’t as I always imagined it to be and constantly trying to make it so, and doing everything I can to make sure my future is secure with peace and fulfillment. I realized what I need to let go of is my own will, my own desire to control every bit of my life, my fear of entrusting my past, present, and future to the Lord. I realized that I have been resisting the current circumstances of my life as if I need to right this wrong, as if my life rn is just a place of limbo until I find what I’m really supposed to be doing, where I’m really supposed to be. But the Holy Spirit presented the idea to me one night, “Perhaps, this is exactly where you need to be. Perhaps this is the door the Lord has opened for you.” Perhaps my life isn’t supposed to be about seeking out some great opportunity of ministry, trying to stretch far and wide to bring Christ’s love to every corner of this earth. Perhaps, God’s call to spread His love is much more personal for me than that. Because I spend all this time and energy trying to give His love to the strangers I meet, the students I work with, the people that read my writings, but it’s the people I have before me everyday, my family and closest friends I tend to ignore the most. It seems I always look at them more as in the way. In the way of my ministry. In the way of my mission. I keep looking outward for God’s will for me. But this Advent season has revealed to me that this is God’s will for me.

His will for me isn’t to search for purpose, search for a mission far and wide. His will for me is to be right here, with these people. He’s not asking me to make room for Him by doing more. He’s asking me to make room for Him by making room for the people right in front of me. He’s asking me to be present to the life He has laid before me. To stop resisting. Stop with the restless self seeking. Stop trying to make my life happen the way I always wanted it to happen. Stop trying to predict and form my own future. I need to make room for Him by making room for my neighbor, my family. Jesus said to St. Catherine of Siena, “You love me with the same love with which you love your neighbor.” And if that is truly so, then I have greatly failed at loving our Lord. He told her, “You run to me on two feet: one with love of me, and one with love of neighbor.” I do strive to love my neighbor, but it’s usually the neighbor I barely know, the neighbor I happen to cross paths with. It’s as if I reserve my love and service for the Lord for the strangers I encounter, the formal ministry I’m a part of. But the neighbor He’s now calling me to is, as St. Teresa of Calcutta put it, my neighbor within my 10ft radius.

My whole life and most especially my whole adult life has been focused around what I do. I live and organize my life by what job I’m at. I think of life in terms of “when I worked at St. Rose,” then “when I was unemployed,” then “when I worked at St. Mary’s.” Everything is based on if and when and where I was working. But I feel like the Lord is calling for a shift in my focus. That yes my job is important, but it doesn’t have to be my focal point. It doesn’t have to be the main way I love and serve the Lord. That I need to shift from a focus is doing to a focus of being. A focus of being love and being loved. And most specifically with my family and friends, my 10ft radius. And that I’m not just called to love and serve my family, but I’m also called to let them love me, let them minister to me because to not, to keep my heart closed is also still a form of pride, a form of control.

This year the Lord is calling me to a deeper intimacy, to a more profound encounter with His love by putting flesh on His intimacy, flesh on His love. Not just through the Eucharist and the Sacraments, but through the people around me. Loving Him and being loved by Him needs to be more than this abstract mission, this grandiose image of missionary life. It needs to be real, tangible, personal. It needs to start at home.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.” It’s not through my work that my soul shall feel its worth, but it’s through His very presence, through His presence in my closest loved ones, the family I live with everyday, the friends I speak with everyday. I said it before and I’ll say it again, St. Therese of Lisieux got it right, “my vocation is love.” And this year the Lord is honing in on that a little bit more. That maybe once my focus was supposed to be on ministry. That He was calling me to make space for Him through those I served and encountered, which is also very good. But this year He’s narrowing it down even further, making it more clear and precise, making it more real. That it’s not just the people I happen to encounter, but it’s the people I always encounter.

And so this is my hope for the year to come, for 2018. To live more offline, to stop living in the future, to stop clinging tight to my past, and to embrace my present. To walk through the door the Lord has opened for me. The door to my friends and family. Both as a gift to receive their love and as a call to learn how to love.

Glory to God in the highest! And peace to His people on earth! Here’s to a new year of letting my guards down, letting my heart be seen and loved, and letting my heart take root and truly love.

St. Catherine of Siena, pray for us.

St. Teresa of Calcutta, pray for us.

St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us.

St. Jerome, pray for us.

LDM

My Vocation is Love

Life has been crazy lately. I’ve had something almost everyday after school and almost every weekend for the past month. It’s been awesome, but it’s just been a lot ;) It’s also been keeping me from writing. Well that’s not entirely true. As busy as my schedule has been, that’s also how my mind has been. I’ve come up with a lot of things I want to write about, but for some reason every time I sit down to write it just doesn’t come out. Or it does and it’s just completely incoherent. But there’s also been times I’ve written, and I feel ready to publish, but then I start to become really self-conscious and I stop. I start thinking things like no one would want to read about what I wrote, no one cares about my own personal story, it’s way too long for anyone to read the whole thing through. I get thoughts like it’s too much or sometimes I think it’s not enough. I just get bombarded with a million different thoughts of doubt. Doubt in myself but also doubt in what God is doing in my life. Like maybe I’m making it up. Or I’m being too dramatic. But lately I’ve been seeing more and more messages that essentially say to just go ahead and do it. Trust the grace that’s been given. Trust the way the Lord has been working in your life. One line in particular came from St. Faustina’s diary, “I have wasted many of God’s graces because I was always afraid of being deluded.” That’s exactly how I feel! Like the things the Lord puts on my heart to share, the miraculous ways He’s working, how truly alive He makes Himself out to be to me - like all those things I’m just making up or being too dramatic or making a bigger deal of things than they really are. But then there’s another line in the diary where St. Faustina is talking to Jesus. It goes, “In one of my morning talks with Him I said, ‘Jesus, are you not an illusion?’ Jesus answered me, ‘My love deceives no one.’” So boom baby. I cannot convince anyone of any truth, I cannot dumb down the glories the Lord has shown in my life. I can only be faithful to what the Lord has put on my heart. So here we go!

Every year I like to write a birthday blog either reflecting on the past year or sharing my goals and dreams for the next. However, I’ve been having a hard time coming up with the right words because I feel like this year just kind of happened to me and for the first time I have no plans for the future. But I finally came up with 2 words to describe this past year and 1 word to describe this next: humbling, frustrating, and adventure.

Humbling. I may have shared this already, but I’m gonna go ahead and dive into it again anyway. I used to take pride in how active and independent I am. My whole life I was always a part of something. In middle school I was ASB president. In high school I did sports, ROTC, drama, band, clubs, leadership, and was in honors/AP classes. I was never home, and I loved it! Not because I hate home, but because I just really love being active! I love serving (in whatever context or capacity that may be), and I absolutely loved being involved. And if I were to be honest, I loved leading. I loved that I could be the person to answer everyone’s questions. I loved that I could be the person people could look up to and be inspired by. As graduation was approaching, I was extremely excited to find a school out of state. Partially because I just needed to get away, but mostly because I wanted to prove I could make it out there on my own, that I didn’t need my community’s or family’s support. And again once I started college I jumped right back into being active. I was on different prayer teams, retreat teams, mission team. I was part of a household and eventually became coordinator of that household. I took pride in the fact that I was a double major with a minor (even though at my school that was completely normal haha). I was always busy. And any opportunity I had to travel the country on road trip or travel the world around Europe, I took it! Busy body was the name of the game. Fast forward a little, I graduate, get my first job as a youth minister, and after a year into my job I get seriously sick and I have to quit. That was a low blow for me, but I didn’t let that stop me. It didn’t take long for me to start making plans with my new found time off. I was going on hikes, going on trips, leading YA events. And as soon as those events were done, I moved onto my next plan which was to move to Michigan! Fast forward some more, I move to Michigan, give every ounce of energy to my job as a youth minister, and yet again after a year into my job I get even more seriously sick. This time around I waste completely no time, and I jump right into planning for the future. I start studying for my GRE and researching intensely to find the perfect grad program. But that flops and I move onto my next great idea - religious life. But then that flops and I move onto my next next great idea - dating through apps and online services. It was crazy! I’d just hop from one thing to the next. But as time progressed I seemed to only get sicker, and as many times as I heard from people back home begging me to come back I was even more staunched in my ways to prove I could make it on my own out in Michigan. But after months and months of treatment, I finally decided to come home. And of course as soon as I get back to Cali I start making plans. Right away, I start talking with my sister and cousins to move in with them. I rewrite my resume to fit the available jobs I’m finding. I refuse to let this move slow me down...And then I turn 26 and I swear everything in my life came to a screeching halt. My birthday must’ve been the last time I went out, the last time I chose to push beyond my exhaustion and rising symptoms.

As soon as I turned 26, I had no choice but to relinquish all the independence I’d always clung so tightly to. The active life I’ve always strived for, the great and many plans I had for the future, all of it just felt demolished. I was diagnosed with lupus, and my life was turned upside down. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, when I was in the hospital I couldn’t walk by myself, stand by myself, use the bathroom by myself. I couldn’t feed myself, I could barely talk for myself. And when I got out of the hospital, I had to let my dad bring me my meals because getting up was just too much of an ordeal. I used to have many many plans for myself. I used to have adventures planned out for the week, trips planned out for the month. But at that point all I could literally plan out was what I was going to eat for my next meal and what time I would wake up for it. There was simply no other choice but for me to rest in bed. Even if I wanted to say screw it, I don’t need rest, my body was simply not allowing it. There was no other option but to rely on the people around me. There was no other option but to be still. And it was like that for a long time. I never left the house, not even for Mass. I couldn’t see anybody unless they came to visit me. And any time I did leave the house, I couldn’t drive myself, so I was restricted to my dad’s schedule and his own outings. After a few months I was starting to feel a little better, so of course I jumped right into planning mode. I made moves to discern religious life again, I bought a ticket to visit Michigan, I bought a season pass to Universal studios. But with every single thing I planned, the door closed right in my face. Even when I tried to make moves, tried to make plans, tried to get busy again, it simply was not an option. And it has just been the most humbling thing. After making all my own choices for adventures, trips, activities, after always having a plan for my future and knowing the necessary steps to take to get there, I was finally being forced to stop, rest, and be still. I was finally being forced to receive. To receive help, receive support, receive love. I remember as everyone around me was taking care of me, and I was having the hardest time accepting the situation, I kept repeating to myself something I learned from Ate Josette and Kuya Raff (which I later found out was actually St. Francis de Sales haha), “Ask for nothing, refuse nothing.” I wouldn’t ask for anything (extra) but I also wouldn’t refuse anything if someone wanted to offer some sort of help or gift to me in my time of need. It was just the most humbling thing but definitely a way for the Lord to crumble to pieces the crusts that surrounded my prideful heart. It was humbling, but it was definitely one of the ways the Lord used to give me life in a way I had never known it before. Because it allowed me to receive love. Which I am just the worst at. I’m all about giving and receiving only from the gifts that come from that giving, if that makes sense. Like my receiving was the thanks I got at the end of a talk or retreat, or watching the transformation of kids’ hearts right before my eyes. My receiving the fruits that came out of my service. But this year the Lord has been teaching me that His love is free. That I don’t need to do anything or be anything in order to be loved by Him or by my friends and family.

I think I’ve always clung to an active lifestyle and to such great grand plans for my future because yeah I love the busyness of it all, I love serving, I love giving but also because I needed that affirmation. I needed to prove I was worthy of love because of the great things I can do and the great things I have already done. I think that’s part of why I loved being the leader so much. I think having the answers and being the go to person spoke to me that I am great, I am a worthy person because I am contributing greatly to the situation. I needed to contribute in great ways so people would know me and so people would love me. I know, it all sounds so very prideful, and I think that’s the point. I think this year the Lord wanted to free me from these lies. These lies that my busyness, my contribution, the impact I leave on people’s lives that’s what makes me great and worthwhile. That’s what makes my life worth it. That’s what gives my life dignity. I needed to break from the lies that my service is what makes me lovable and good. I needed to be seen, so I could be known, so I could be loved. I took so much pride in my service because service equaled greatness and the greater I was the more lovable I was. But this year service was completely not an option. And I know I did dabble in service here and there throughout the year, but even when I tried to dive all into that the door still closed. This year the Lord gave me no option but to sit, be still, and receive. And while it has been hard, it’s also has been the most freeing and life giving thing. Because then there’s no more of this restless striving. There’s just peace and rest. Which brings me to my next point...

Frustrating. This whole humbling process has been completely frustrating. Because my natural instinct is to resist anything that tries to slow me down. I’ve been seriously sick in the past, but like I said the moment my time opened up I always filled it with more plans. But this time that just wasn’t an option, and it’s been the most frustrating thing! I guess it goes hand in hand with the weightlifting I’ve also attempted to do this year. Thankfully we were working out in the comfort of Hydie’s garage, so we didn’t have to worry about the experienced, heavylifters we’d find at the gym. But still. It’s kinda super embarrassing, at least for me, to start with the bar because it just looks so panzy. But the truth is, when you’re first starting, that bar is a beast! So we’d do different work outs, some to work our legs, some to work our arms. The ones to work the legs weren’t necessarily easy, but I was progressing pretty steadily with them. Increasing 5lbs every session as the program says. The arm work outs, on the other hand, were a whole different story. You start with the bar for all the exercises and increase by 5lbs every session. At my best, I was squatting 145 and deadlifting 170. But in the same week, I was also benching and rowing 85 and overheading 60. But even at those weights I was never completing a full set. And after a while the program would finally say to deload on my arm workouts. Which is super humbling especially because my leg workouts were going great, but more than anything else it was super frustrating. Because as much as I wanted to lift that bar over my head, I just couldn’t do it. Or as much as I wanted to get that bar up to my chest, I couldn’t do it. And I would end sessions feeling like crap like “what can’t I do this!” But at the end of the day I had no choice but to deload and work my way up but in smaller increments (increasing by 1lb instead of 5). And that’s how I felt like my life was going. In some ways I felt like I was getting stronger faster, but in other ways I simply was not ready. And it annoyed the crap out of me. Like the traveling business. I felt physically ready to travel, but my doctors knew, my parents knew it just wasn’t time. Or when I felt ready to jump back into service. To me I saw it as a real possibility, but again my parents knew, my doctors it just wasn’t an option yet. It was so annoying, and I resented my parents a little bit for it, tbh. Just as I resented the Lord, except I resented Him quite a bit more. I was just straight mad at Him. Mad because I felt He wasn’t being faithful to His promises that He would satisfy the desires of my heart, or His promise to take care of those who are faithful to Him. Mad that He had taken me all this way just to close the door in my face. Mad simply because He wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do. This year has been completely frustrating, and I blamed God for every bit of it. To the point, Mass had become this annoying chore I had to sit through every week. An hour where I would spend either sleeping through or rolling my eyes to every verse or word from the priest that essentially promised God’s love and providence. I thought it was all BS.

Till finally I went to the Steubie conference, and I let it all out. But I also let it all in. For the first time in a long time when I saw God’s love alive in those youth, in the worship leaders, in the speakers, for the first time I didn’t resist or roll my eyes, but by the grace of God alone I opened my heart to it. I had a moment when I was criticizing the service team in my head for all the faith and hope they had in the Lord. Any time I saw someone faithful I would think, “They must’ve never gone through shit.” Like their life has been easy. But I had a moment where as I was thinking that, it was followed by another thought, “Probably the reason they have the strong faith they have is because they’ve gone through shit.” They’re faith is as strong as it is because it’s been tested by fire. It’s gone through Hell, but it never gave up. It kept clinging to God, through all the flames, and it came out even stronger. I had another moment when I was criticizing the youth in my head thinking, “They are so naive. They have no idea what a waste of time this is. They have no idea how disappointed they’ll be in the future.” But then I thought, “I was once them. Before being jaded by this world and clinging more to hopelessnes than to hope itself, I was that kid singing my heart out. Crying out to God that I would never leave Him, that I would do whatever He wants, go wherever He leads.” One of my favorite lines as a youth was, “I would give the world to tell your story because I know that You’ve call me...Jesus I believe in You, and I would go to the ends of the earth.” That was the absolute cry of my heart, and I meant it with every bone in my body. And at that moment of the conference I thought, “This is where it counts.” Not just as a youth and not just when I’m feeling good. But now. When it hurts. So that weekend I finally spoke my frustrations, I spoke my aches and pains. I spoke to a priest, and I spoke to one of the speakers and both times they said, “keep coming.” Even if it hurts, even if it makes no sense, keep coming. And so I did. Which leads me to my last point...

Adventure. After praying and praying consistently and having my heart slowly turn back to God, the Lord drops this job in my lap. And this job has got to be the pinnacle of my entire year. It is everything this year has been - humbling and frustrating. I have a job, yes, and that is a huge accomplishment considering everything I’ve been through. But this job is part-time and it’s an aide position. I’m not the teacher. I’m not the one calling the shots. I’m not the one up there speaking. I’m not the one with all the answers. In fact kids will raise their hand, and I’ll approach them to try to help, and they’ll say, “Oh you can’t answer this. This is for Mr. so and so.” Or they will ask their question to me and I have to say, “I don’t have an answer for that, let me ask Mr. so and so.” I am not the lead. I am not in charge. In fact, my job is to sit on the sidelines. Not assistant teacher but assistant to the teacher. And it’s frustrating because those are the things I love to do. I mean yes, being the go to person. But more than that, I love teaching. There is just a certain life and joy I get when I teach or when I speak. It’s a real gift. And it’s frustrating that I have to sit in a classroom and not do what I love, not teach. So the first month or so of school was really hard. Because I just felt like a waste. I felt like I wasn’t using my gifts and talents the way I normally do, and I felt I had no way to effect change. Because I feel like my gifts lie in speaking and in writing, but this job doesn’t allow for that so much. And I was starting to feel like this job had no purpose. Like I had no purpose because I wasn’t serving in the capacity I normally do. People would ask me how I like my job or what my plans were with this job, and I honestly couldn’t answer them. The job was a lot harder than I thought it would be because of the humility it’s calling me to, and I had no plan because it literally just fell into my lap. Both of which were kind of freaking me out. I didn’t like the struggle this job had become, and I didn’t like that I had no plan from here. But as the weeks progressed in my work, suddenly the kids were really learning my name and were really asking for my help. They were asking for my opinion, they were telling me their opinion, they were asking for stories, they were telling me stories. I realized, without even trying, I had made a presence with these kids. Just by doing my simple job of grading papers, walking around the classroom, and doing recess and lunch yard duty. Somehow, I had made a presence. And this is where the Lord stepped in and kind of tied it all together.

I was getting frustrated and even restless and anxious because I was starting to feel like I had no purpose. I simply missed serving, I missed using my gifts for the glory of God. I’m sure there was pride tied up in there, but there was also just a genuine desire to serve and to speak truth. And I was getting frustrated by the humility my job was calling me to because I felt it wasn’t allowing me to do that, at least not in the leadership way I’m used to. I brought that to prayer one day, just telling the Lord how weird it is I’m not serving, how weird it is I’m not in any sort of leadership role, how weird it is I’m not discerning religious life anymore. But then I realized in that moment, as weird and as frustrating as it could be, it’s also been incredibly freeing and refreshing, for many reasons. 1) because my relationship with the Lord, the love I receive from Him no longer relies on the service I give Him. This lack of service, lack of activity has given me the gift to receive the free love of God. 2) I get to be with youth without the pressure of being in charge, without the pressure of making the calls. All I have to do is follow. Follow the lead of the teachers. And in that I get the freedom to just simply be with the youth. And then I realized, I am just about to embark on my latest and greatest adventure with the Lord!

I have lived my whole life striving to be in the limelight. I wanted to be well known and loved by my classmates at school. I wanted to be looked up to and inspiring to the people around me. I wanted to be seen as someone super holy for entering religious life. I wanted to be Catholic famous for my speaking and writing, get into that network of people that gets asked to do conferences and speaking gigs all across the country. I wanted to be great by being known. But just through my current life circumstances, and the kind of life my health is calling me to live, the Lord is teaching me and showing me a much smaller and littler way. A way where I am no one but a girl on the sidelines, a fill in, a substitute, someone who merely passes out paper towels and baby wipes, who makes copy runs and hangs up posters, who walks around the room to keep kids in check and make sure they’re on task, someone who merely blows the whistle when kids do something stupid at recess or blow the whistle when it’s time to come back in. I am truly replaceable at my job. So much so we have parent volunteers that come in and basically do my job for free. My job is no big deal. And that used to frustrate me a lot. But through this job, the Lord is teaching me two very simple things, which I have heard over and over in the past decade but have never let sink in until now, “the little way,” as St. Therese says, and “small acts with great love,” as my beloved Mama T says. I feel like with this job the Lord is calling me to be humble, yes, but in a way that He’s calling me to be small. To not be a leader. To not rely on my words, on my gift to speak or my gift to write. I feel like He’s calling me to not limit my service, not limit the works I do for His Kingdom, not limit the ways I strive to radiate His love to just my speaking and my writing. For the past few months I feel like He’s been calling me to learn to love in all contexts. I’ve been trying to figure out what that means exactly or what that could look like, and I think this job is it. I need to learn to love not with my words, not with great speaking gigs, or great writing pieces, but I need to learn to love simply with my presence because that’s all I have with these kids. All I have is my presence. The essence of my job is all practicality. My job consists of a bunch of little tasks that need to get done right now. There is nothing deep, nothing profound. There’s not even a lot of space for that. All I have is my presence. My presence as I walk around the classroom, my presence as I walk around the lunch table, my presence as I was about the blacktop. All I have is presence. And that used to bother me because I felt so limited, but now I’m starting to see that every little encounter I have with a student is an opportunity to bring Christ’s presence to them. But it’s an opportunity to love with Christ’s love, to love even when I’m growing impatient with them, when I’m irritated, when I’m feeling close to hopeless about certain situations. Now I’m seeing that this job is an opportunity to be stretched and to love in a much truer and purer form. This is the gift of my job. Through my job I am learning that just because the Lord isn’t calling me to religious life or to full time ministry or service on some grand scale, doesn’t mean He’s no longer calling me to service. Doesn’t mean I’m no longer called to love. Doesn’t mean I’m no longer called to radiate His love. Just because God’s no longer calling me to full time ministry doesn’t mean He’s not close to me anymore. Which are all lies I was buying into. But as each day passes, I’m starting to see He is ever so present to me in each of these kids. Each of these kids is an opportunity to quench the thirst of Christ, His thirst for our love. Each of these kids is an opportunity to bring Christ the Living Water to quench their thirst for love.

I have no idea where this could lead me nor do I even have a plan of where this could lead me. Something else I keep coming back to is something my therapist taught me, “don’t focus on what you don’t know, focus on what you do know.” And well I don’t know why the Lord closed the doors that He did to me. I don’t know why I ended up with this job. I don’t what the Lord is going to do these yearnings in my heart. I don’t know if I’m called to be a teacher. I don’t know if I’m called to religious life. I don’t know if I’m called to marriage. All I know is that I work a 19 hour job at St. Catherine’s as a teacher’s aide with my best friends. Those are the facts of my life. And I can get frustrated and feel humiliated by my state of life or I can enter into possibly the greatest adventure of my life thus far. Where I completely let go of control, where I stop taking the lead, where I simply follow. An adventure where I no longer resist but I let the Lord stretch me as He sees fit. An adventure where I no longer seek for what is not but enter into what is. An adventure where I learn to love in a way I’ve never loved before. Through simple acts with great love. An adventure where I refuse Him nothing. I may not know why I ended up where I am today, why I have the job I have, but one thing remains the same; I am still called to love. Be it as a youth minister, a religious sister, a wife, a single person. As St. Therese said, my vocation is love. And I think this is the adventure the Lord is calling me to. To no longer be concerned with esteem, with titles, with roles, with even Vocations, but to simply choose to love in all contexts, to the greatest capacity He is calling me to. That love isn’t about what I’ll get out of it, what I’ll get in return, love is just about loving. For the free gift that it is. Just as He has shown me this past year with my sickness and recovery. The free love that I’ve been given without having to first give in my service, this is the free love He’s calling me to give. Not thinking of what people will think of me, positively or negatively, but to just love. No agenda. A love not focused on me and the gifts I can offer. Just love. Regardless of my position.

All the frustrating, annoying, yet freeing process of being humbled this past year has all led up to this year to come. Not that I am now a perfectly humble person, but that He continues to call me on to such humility through this job, this job of being nothing but present to these kids. This new ministry of presence. So I have no plan for the future, no plan for this next year. All I know is that I’m excited to enter into the heart of a Christ, into the heart of the Father, into a life fully immersed in the Holy Spirit, so I can receive and learn to give His love in a very new, purifying, and life giving way.

If you made it this far in the blog, join me in giving all glory and praise to God through Mary. For everything He’s done thus far and everything He will do in this next year.

Cheers to 27!

St. Faustina, pray for us! St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us! St. Teresa of Calcutta, pray for us! LDM.

Written Love

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog called “Paradigm Shift.” It was about how I felt God was calling me to let go of this Master-servant, even Teacher-student relationship with Him. I felt like He was calling me instead to lean into the truest relationship He calls us to with Himself: Father-daughter, Lover-beloved. Free of any service, anything good I can offer Him. Just me as me, broken and insufficient. He is honored and glorified by the service, but what He truly desires is just me. He just wants us. Before any kind of ministry and work, we are first His children, we are first His beloved. And everything flows from there.

So that was a big moment of revelation/reflection for me. But I’ll be honest, it kinda stopped there. Not that I went back to merely serving without having a personal, intimate relationship with the Lord, but it just wasn't at the forefront of my mind anymore. And you know, as the weeks go on, it’s just easy to fall into old habits. So I’ll admit, I still fall into the trap that God is all about service, working hard, like we have to earn His love and a spot in Heaven. As if Heaven is just a place to get to. But Heaven isn't about a some feel-good place, and God isn't all about strict rules and servanthood. Heaven is about being in a perfect union of love with God. It's a state of being, not necessarily a place. And God isn't about getting us to merely follow these rules perfectly like a tyrant. He's not about oppressing us from the joys of this world. He's just saying there's more, there’s even greater joys than this world, and it's Him. So don't get too swayed by the temporary pleasures of this world because they’re merely a foretaste of what’s to come IN HEAVEN. And I guess to a non-believer that's like “so what?” But as humans, there is this intrinsic desire in us to be loved. We crave it. Hunger for it. Thirst for it. We're desperate for it. So much so we'll change who we are. Change our clothes, our lingo, our music, our behavior, maybe even our beliefs just to be accepted and loved. We do all we can to hide our brokenness. But we don’t just hide our sins, our faults, our aches and pains; we hide our dorkiness! We feel we can’t be our full selves. We only present what we know will be accepted and loved. All the while walking around thinking "no one really knows me,” or “if they really knew me, they wouldn't be my friend,” be it a serious thing or a silly thing. The point is we all have masks, and very seldomly, if ever, do we actually take it off and let even just one person know the truth. So I guess the answer to your “so what” about God's love is there already is someone who sees all that. And contrary to popular belief, He doesn't run or shame. He sticks around, and He loves. Still. Eagerly and desperately. He already delights in you. No mask, no filter.

And I feel like for most people Scripture is not a place we come to this conclusion. Those outside the faith think the Bible is full of old archaic rules. Cradle Catholics think it's just stories we memorized as kids. I'd say most youth group kids think the Bible is boring, and it's all about the hyped up gatherings, worships, retreats, and emotional Adorations. And while those things can definitely reveal to you the unconditional, free love of God (as it has for me too), I’m telling you now, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I'm here to tell you today that every question you ever had about God's love is written in Scripture. No feelings, no guessing required.

I didn't grow up reading the Bible. I was that youth group kid I just described. I knew it was good but ehhh. In fact I didn't truly read the Bible till I had to for a course in college. We were reading through the story of Israel, how they'd fail time and time again, just blatantly turning their backs on God. Yet God kept providing. Every. Time. I remember the distinct moment when I stopped reading in my dorm room and questioned, “Why would He keep doing this, taking them back and providing for them all over again?” I was getting annoyed and tired of reading basically the same thing over and over again. And the answer came almost instantly very clearly, “He loves them.” Then I just sat there in that truth. He loves them. He loves us. Scripture us OUR story. We are Israel, who over and over and over again choose something to praise, worship, and give our lives to other than God. We are Israel, who over and over and over again hear His good promises but doubt and distrust and turn around and do our own things instead. We are Israel, who after countless times of screwing up God still came back for, God still provided for, God still loved, God never gave up on.

But what I love about Scripture, and what I mean by “no guessing required,” is because I can't tell you how many times I'm reading through the Gospels and I think "that's in here?!" Like how we don't have to worry, how we can trust in Him, how deeply He loves us, even the beauty and the gift of suffering. These things we Christians share aren't just nice things we say to make you feel good. These things come straight from Jesus’ own words! God’s promises are more than feelings; they are written in the very Word. Everything about God's love is right there! All you have to do is read it. I mean, yes, Scripture gets richer and richer the more you study it, the more background research you do. Like translations, the culture back then, you can get very technical, and I’ll be honest it gets pretty awesome. But even without all that knowledge, if you just simply read with an open heart, you'll see God’s heart beating right in front of you. It's incredible. We wonder where He is, who he is. We think the Bible is just a collection of stories from 2000+ years ago. But what we don’t realize is that, if we just read it with the right heart, ready and open, our eyes will be opened, and we will see that Scripture is much more than 2000 year old stories and outdated laws. It is His heart crying out for you. It is His promise of love.

So you may be wondering at this point, “I’ve read Scripture before, but I’ve never had any sort experience like that. My experience is that it is boring and unrelatable.” The first thing I would say if you wanna get into Scripture and see what I’m talking about is start with the Gospels. Everything just makes more sense when you start there and have that as context for the rest of the stories. Now here are 3 things to do help make your Scripture time more meaningful:

You gotta make real time for it. You can’t just skim through the words. Even when you’re studying for a class or reading a book, you’ll get the main gist, but you miss the real heart of it. It’s never enough to just skim something if you’re trying to get the full effect. So take your time. Choose a passage and really sit with it. Take the time to read through it carefully and slowly. It’s like a date - if you rush through it, you won’t really get anything out of it. So take your time.

Be in a place of prayer. Rid yourself of distractions. Again, like a date, you don't just go anywhere when you’re trying to spend time with someone special. You go somewhere you can talk, where you can hear each other. Not millions of people walking around to distract you to people watch or eaves drop. You avoid using your phone, so you can be really present to the person. The same with Scripture. It’s time for you and Jesus. Go somewhere you can really enter into His presence. A church is cool, but your room could do just fine too. Turn the netflix off, put the phone away. Again, give it real time and real space.

Ask the Holy Spirit. I mean, it was the Holy Spirit who wrote it, so who better to ask to guide you through the readings than the author Himself, right? He’ll be the one to reveal to you what your heart needs at that time. Just ask. Literally. “Holy Spirit, what does this have to do with me?” It’s good to be honest ;)

I promise you, if you do this, if you give Scripture a real chance, your life will be changed forever. Your faith will only grow stronger. Because encounters with the Lord through friends, through worship, through retreats are good and awesome and powerful. But there is something so radically different when you hear it straight from the Father’s heart, with God’s very own words. It just becomes so much more real. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I dare you ;)

P.S. If you’re still reading, the above really came out of my reflection on Isaiah 43. This is a passage I’ve been sitting with for 9 years now, since my first semester in college. Through the years different parts hit me in different seasons of my life. But this verse has become my absolute favorite. Is 43:4, “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.” If there is just not a greater verse to speak to the heart of every man! This is the desire of every man’s heart - to be seen, to be known, and to be loved. This whole chapter is God speaking through the prophet Isaiah about His love for Israel/us. He goes on and on about how relentless His love is, how He’ll stop at nothing to win us back, how He’ll trade whatever or whoever He needs to to win us back. He even pauses to say, v. 24 “But you have burdened me with your sins, you have wearied me with your iniquities.” He does so not to shame us. He does so to show us His broken heart. Because He follows it with, v. 25-26 “I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance…” He says, I’m the one who can forgive your sins, who can wipe you clean, just come back to me! Come back to me, and I’ll make you new. v. 18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” He’s saying you break my heart time and time again, but come back and I’ll make a way! We can start over, together, all “because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.” That’s one of the lines that gets me the most, it makes me say “that’s in here?!” Because we question all the time, “how do I know that God loves me?” Uhhh He freaking said it! It’s insane! No guessing, no need to rely on feelings. It’s right here. No matter what you feel, this is Truth. And God has given us such a gift that we can read that line over and over and over again until we know in our hearts that it’s true, then read it over and over and over again to take delight and rejoice in it for the rest of our days! Y’all, God is so good and merciful! Praise Him!

Glory to God through Mary!

Praise Jesus!

So I just finished my first week of school/my first week back to work. Ever since I got hired, I keep having this thought that I have no idea how blessed this opportunity is. Actually I was listening to Chance today, and I feel like this line kind of sums it up. “Are you ready for your blessings? Are you ready for your miracle?” I can’t tell in what way yet, but I just feel like this job is going to mean so much more to me when I look back on this moment in the future. Maybe I’m putting too much on this job, but let me paint a picture for you why I feel like this job is such a big deal. There’s a lot more to it than just the fact that I’m working in my hometown, at my first parish, with my best friends. Though that is super awesome too ;)

Two years ago, fall 2015, I quit my job as a youth minister in Michigan. A couple months prior to that day of officially resigning, I had been struggling with just the most intense bout of depression yet, and that was only the beginning. I was fighting for my life, to be quite honest. Death had become the most appealing offer. I was running out of reasons to stay alive. Or rather, I was running out of the clarity and strength of mind to see the many reasons to stay alive. I had plans. I had intentions. And if it wasn’t for those particular people who literally stepped into my life at the right time, I don’t know if I’d be here. What I mean by that is I would be ready to act then someone would walk into my room. I would be ready to act and someone would literally cross my path, and I’d get distracted or diverted. Of course the texts, the phone calls, the visits brought me a whole lot of hope and grace to persevere. But in the moment it was the mercy of God that brought someone knocking on my door, or I happen to be en route to meeting someone full of life, hope, wisdom, or I’d get a call from someone at the most random time. The Lord literally placed these people in my life to save my life. It was an extreme uphill battle. I spent many hours with doctors, spiritual advisors, and many hours crying desperately in my room and before the Blessed Sacrament. By the time summer rolled around, as beautiful of a support system the Lord had built for me in Michigan, I knew it was time to come back home. I figured if I was gonna be sick, I might as well be sick in my own bed with my mama and all my loved ones easily within my reach.

One year ago, Fall 2016, I came home ready for life back in the Bay. I was ready for the culture, the food, the music. I was ready for my family, ready to be surrounded by all my babies. I was ready to be in the presence of my best friends again, to laugh and to grow with them again. I was sad to leave Michigan, but I was so excited to be back home again. So that first month or so back I lived it up! We went to Japan and PI! It was the season of birthdays, so we were regularly going out for drinks and the club. I was making all these plans for how I was about to live my life. All the while I was feeling kind of off physically, but I never thought anything of it. I figured it’d pass (even though all the symptoms had been going on for at least 6 months at that point). I just kept pushing through, until I had finally lost all the strength to walk and all appetite to eat. So we went to the ER thinking they’d just treat me for staph. Instead, they ended up finding a list of things wrong with me. Something new everyday I was there. After doing all kinds of tests, talking to all kinds of doctors, telling my story over and over again, we finally got our answer - I was diagnosed with Lupus, and my world was turned upside down. I could go on and on about how Lupus has affected my life, but that could be a whole other blog. But basically I was almost close to death to be quite honest. It got to the point I was begging the Lord in His mercy to just end my life because I couldn’t imagine another 40 or 50 years of this physical agony along with my already mental illness.

Anyway, I’m writing all of this not for the sake of “woe is me.” I’m writing to show that there are so many reasons I shouldn’t be at this job right now! In the past 2 years my body has fallen apart and been put back together both mentally and physically. I’m writing to say it has been a looong time coming, and I honestly wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to work again. I’m writing this to say PRAISE THE LORD! Because I am no longer the person I was 2 years ago. I am no longer plagued day in and day out by thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life! I am no longer in that darkness and praise the Lord! I thought there would never be an end to that storm, but here I am. I am no longer the person I was 1 year ago. I’m not only walking, talking, and eating again, but I’m lifting weights, doing cardio, and I now have a job! My (lab) numbers are back to normal, my symptoms are pretty much gone, and my kidneys are in freaking remission! And obviously these illnesses will always be with me. It’s not something I can ever just put behind me and move on. I do live in a new reality now. But still! In just two years look how farrrr I’ve come! I am writing this to say PRAISE THE LORD because I truly wasn’t sure if this day would ever come. So maybe Chance’s words of “Are you ready for your blessing? Are you ready for your miracle?” aren’t about what’s to come in the future as a result of this job. Maybe THIS is my blessing, THIS is my miracle! That I’m freaking alive! That I have my life back. That I can live my life again. That I have just the best doctors for my mind and body. That I have just the best support system and prayer warriors surrounding me both near and far. Because there are just SO many reasons I shouldn’t be here right now, and yet I am. And I’m not just here simply existing. My life is moving forward. I’m learning and I’m growing and I’m being renewed from the inside out.

I’m writing this to say thank you. To everyone who’s been there along the way these past 2 years. From Michigan to Cali. It’s the doctors, yes. It’s all the treatment, yes. But it’s also so much of your prayers. THIS is the fruit of your prayers - my healing, freedom, and renewal! Thank you for all the random texts, the listening to my cries, my yells, for distracting me with laughter and your life giving presence, the comfort food dates, the patience, the visits, for crying out to all your prayer networks for me - THANK YOU.

No matter what happens with this job, Praise Jesus! If this is the goodness He’s already shown on me, I can’t imagine what else is to come ;)

All glory to God through Mary!

God is in the Awkward

So I just watched the new Spiderman movie. Again, I don’t know anything about the comics, so I can’t comment on that. But here are 3 things I love about Peter Parker and his story :)

1) I love the restlessness inside of him. Which I know sounds weird because who wants to be restless. But the reason why he’s restless is because he saw something great! He experienced something great. He was part of something great. And now he just can’t go back. It made me think of Papa Ben saying, ”The world offers you comfort, but you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness.” I feel like Peter’s restlessness was a prime of example of this. That yeah he could go around preventing grand theft bikes and giving sweet old women directions, but he also knows he was made for more. And he refuses to settle. He refuses to settle for comfort. He wants to do more; he wants to be more. This is something I try to instill in every youth I have the privilege of speaking to. That we were made for more than this world! That there’s MORE. More than we can imagine. More LIFE. If we only we surrender ourselves to the Lord. If only we entrust our lives to Him. If only we let Him in. But surprisingly this isn’t something that every kid wants to here. Some kids are completely content with where they are. I tried explaining this to a group of kids once by comparing a plain, ordinary burger from McDonalds with this super juicy, mouth watering steak from a local steak house…and they wanted McDonalds! I was like welp, there goes my talk. Haha. I was so floored though. I was like seriously?! And they all were super confident in their answer in choosing McDonalds. But those who had tried that juicy steak, those who knew the place I was talking about, they knew the better choice was the steak and not McDonalds. It’s like once you get a taste of it, once you get a glimpse of that greatness, you can never go back. I just love that about Peter. He’s always aspiring for greatness.

2) I love love love his awkwardness. I love that he’s a 15 year old nerd that makes legos cool. I love that he falls many times. There’s a scene where he’s chasing the bad guys, and he’s running/swinging through the backyards of the neighborhood, and he just takes hit after hit. He messes up a lot. He fumbles. He’s just super awkward. I’ve always loved that about Peter Parker (in all the movies) because it makes him so relatable. It brought me back to a verse I just happened to be reflecting on earlier in the day. 1 Timothy 4:12 “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.” I feel like this verse has become a bit cliche, but nonetheless, it’s still true! I’ve always loved Peter Parker because he shows that even when you’re young, you’re still called to greatness; you’re still called to go beyond yourself. Even at a young age, you can still do great things; you can still be selfless. Awkwardness and all ;)

3) Finally, I loved that Peter’s greatness ended up being something different than what he had always envisioned for himself. He literally spends all his days dreaming of being part of the Avengers. He waits anxiously by his phone for Tony Stark to call him into battle. He declines hang outs, he quits school activities, he flakes on commitments because of the off chance he will finally be called back to join the mission. He basically plays the waiting the game. He believes his greatness hinges on being part of the famous Avengers, fighting side by side with the Captain America. When the reality is, there is greatness to be had right in his very own day to day life. It made me think back to my college days where everyone wanted to be a part of everything. I went to a school where people were conflicted between going to daily Mass or finishing a paper, going to Tuesday night praise and worship or continue studying for an exam. I went to a school where the struggles of time management included juggling studying with commitments to a mission team, and a retreat team, and a prayer team, and a holy hour. Kids had to prioritize which holy thing they should go to and which they had to skip, which talk to attend, which holy hour to make, which 6:30am Mass to offer sacrifices at. But the one thing you heard consistently by every leader of every event or group, every priest or spiritual director, even in most homilies was, “your vocation is to be a student.” They reminded us time and time again that yeah we wanna do great things, we wanna be a part of great things, but we are first and foremost called to be a student, so we needed to prioritize that. Obviously do what you can to keep your relationship with the Lord up and running, but your studies always came first after that. It wasn't like “you need to have good grades to be a part of this.” It was a genuine call to what the Lord has presently set before us. They taught us to pray through our studies, to offer our studies, our struggles in class up as a sacrifice for petitions. They taught us to be present to our current vocation, which was to be a student. They knew we were called to greatness, but greatness looks different depending on what season of life you’re in. We’re all called to greatness but usually according to the life the Lord has already set out for us. It’s great to go out and become a missionary, to become a well known Catholic speaker and author and effect change by the masses. There’s a point when Iron Man takes Spiderman’s suit away. Peter begs and says, “I’m nothing without this suit.” Tony replies, “If you’re nothing without this suit, you don’t deserve it in the first place.” Which brought be back to Mama T when she said, “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” What I felt like Tony was teaching Peter was it’s not about the suit. It’s not about the stunts, not about the tricks or the cool moves and gadgets. It’s not about the fame and fitting in with the Avengers. It’s just about the greatness you pursue in your own day to day life, with or without the fame and explosions. Because the truth is we’re called to be saints, but not all of us are going to be Saints, with a capital S, where we get our own feast days and the Church remembers us for years to come. The truth is most of us are called to live ordinary, mundane lives. We’re called to our current vocation, to the life the Lord has already set out for us. Not because we’re not made for greatness, but because there’s greatness to be had in our very own life. Mother Teresa said, you wanna effect change, you wanna bring peace, you wanna bring God’s love, start with a 10 feet radius. Start right where you are. If you’re a wife, then you’re called to be a GREAT wife. If you’re a mother, then you’re called to be a GREAT mother. If you’re a student, then you’re called to be a GREAT student. If you’re a teacher, than you’re called to be a GREAT teacher. If you’re an engineer, then you’re called to be a GREAT engineer…You don’t have to go far, you don't have to do such extreme things to aspire for greatness.

And by greatness of course I mean live to be the best version of you in every season of your life. But what does that mean? What does that look like? That means to live the life you were made to live — a life with Christ, a life enriched by the Holy Spirit, a life entrusted to the Father. By greatness I mean live a life for the world you were created for — a life of love, love of God and love of neighbor. In everything that you do. In every season of life. We can go out and serve in third world countries, we can live our life hopping around to different cities giving amazing talks, we can want to grow up to be priests and religious. We can live our life on the go, forever on mission. Or, like Peter, we can live our life on the ground. We can live the life we have now and still choose greatness. We can live the life we have now and still choose holiness. We can live the life we have now and still choose love. Greatness doesn't always look like fame. It doesn’t always look fancy and fabulous. Sometimes it looks like fumbling around, taking hit after hit, being incredibly awkward. And that’s ok. Because God is in the awkward. You are called to greatness NOW. Don’t wait for something great to come along. Simply find God in the ordinary, and choose Him.

All glory to God through Mary!

There’s More

I’ve always lived my life a certain way. I lived according to what I thought would make me happiest and holiest. And that to me meant commit yourself totally to the service of God. Everything has always been so black and white. Without question, I always centered my life around serving in ministry. No matter what was going on, ministry always took priority. Over school activities, school commitments, hanging out with friends, even family parties. My service always came first. And I thought the greatest form of service, the thing that would make me happiest and holiest would be to give my life to the Lord in religious life…but the Lord said no.

And for the longest time I couldn’t understand that. Why wouldn’t He want me to give my life totally to Him in religious life? Why wouldn’t He want my commitment, my service? I was also confused because He always promised to satisfy the desires of my heart. He always promised to fulfill the desires of my heart if I were faithful to Him, which I thought I was. He always promised He had my happiness in mind. So I figured if He wanted me to be happy, wanted to fulfill the desires of my heart, He would give me what I always wanted - which was to belong to Him so completely through religious life. But then He didn’t. For different reasons, the door was shut on me to become a religious. And that to me spoke that He didn’t want to see me happy, He wasn’t true to His promises. So all the trust I had in Him went down the drain. All my desire to follow Him was lost because He left me high and dry. He got me to trust Him, and He absolutely did not come through…or so I thought.

But I’ve been talking to a lot of holy people who tell me they don’t know why the Lord did what He did, but they know that something good has to come out of it. All I could think was, “BS.” I’ve also been listening to all these worship songs that sing about surrendering it all to God and trusting it all to Him. To that, all I could think was “you must not have been through shit if you could still sing those words.” But then I got to the songs that talked about singing praise and worship and love to God, songs about surrender and trust, all the while in the midst of darkness, in the midst of struggle, in times they feel like He’s furthest from them, in times it hurts to sing praise, in times it doesn’t make sense to sing praise. So I clung to those songs, hoping that one day the words would be true for me again. Because I knew they were right. It struck deep into my heart, but it just really hurt and went against everything I was thinking and feeling to sing Him praise.

Till one day I was preparing for a talk, and I just couldn’t get it down. It was about taking up our Cross, which was the last thing I wanted to think about. So after about an hour of tossing back and forth, I finally decided to stop and just pray. Luckily I was the only one in the chapel so I could literally just cry out to God. And so I did. I finally let myself feel the hurt and all the disappointment and I finally gave it to the Lord. I finally asked him all my questions of why, and I really just cried. And then it hit me. If He said no to that, it’s only because He have something greater in store.

Now today as I sit in adoration all I can think of are these lyrics, “I see the world in light, I see the world in wonder, I see the world in life, bursting in living color, I see the world Your way, and I’m walking in the light” and it hit me. There is more to life than black and white. There is more to life than this plan I had for myself. You didn’t say no to my plans because you don’t want my happiness. If anything, you said no because you want my happiness. My plans sure could make me happy, but you have MORE. There’s something more in store that I can’t even begin to imagine. You said no to my plans not because they were bad but simply because you have more, something better.

What I’m starting to learn is that not everything can be planned. I can’t sit here and make a plan, draw out my story for the rest of my life. I mean I can, but I’d be missing out on so much more. So much more life, more opportunity, more adventure. Life isn’t simply follow this and this and this rule and your life will look like this. That’s not what a life with Christ is. A life with Christ is an adventure because everything is out of your hands and everything is greater than you can ever imagine or plan.

I keep going back to the movie The Giver. They lived this perfect life. Everything was laid out for them. They followed all the rules. All was good. But then he was exposed to MORE. Suddenly the colors became vibrant! Suddenly life became exciting! And that’s what I feel like the Lord is inviting me into now. If I just let go of my plans. If I let go of what I think a life of service means and looks like. If I let go of who I think the Lord wants me to be. If I just stop with all this restless striving and let the Lord take over, I might be surprised that not only will it not lead to my unhappiness but it could very well lead to a happiness I have yet to dream of. If I just let go and stop trying to make things happen. Stop trying to go back to “the plan.” Stop trying to go back to the person I think I’m supposed to be. Because the truth is, this is His will. This. Right here. Now. Me, suffering with this most unpredictable and new illness. Me, living at home again with my parents. Me, jobless. This is His will. He’s not mad or disappointed with me like I’m not doing enough or something. I’ve always lived according to, “what can I do for Him?” But He’s not asking me to do anything. He knows what I'm going through, and He doesn’t expect me to be happy. He just wants me to be. Not necessarily do nothing. But just be. Be with Him. Be open with Him. Be open to Him coming in and doing what He wants. I need to stop seeking something to do, something to make me feel great and worthwhile. Stop trying to escape my situations. Just be where I am. Keep writing. Keep speaking. Keep being fully present to those around me, to those He’s placed in front of me. And He’ll open the doors to where I should go and when I should go. I need to be ok with the baby steps, with taking it slow. It’s gonna take humility, but I need to let go of the control and let Him do what He wants, when He wants, how He wants. He knows what’s best for me. He knows my limitations. He knows what’s best for my health. So I need to let Him open and the close the doors as He sees best.

St. Augustine said, “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him, the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.” Life with Christ, life according to God’s plan is anything but boring. So maybe if I just gave in I would see the world in light, in color, in freedom. If I just let go of the life I always thought I was supposed to live, the live I always thought would make me happy. If I just let go of the title, the esteem, let go of the life of service I always envisioned for myself. Not to say I’m not called to a life a service, because we all are, but maybe that service just looks different from what I always thought it would be. I’m just learning that there’s more than I always planned. There’s a greater happiness. There’s a greater freedom. If only I let Him…

Glory to God through Mary!

Why I Serve

Why am I so confused lately? So caught up in my own thoughts? So self-conscious. Like with my writing. I was doing so well, I had this momentum, then as I was about to post I just stopped and questioned, “Is this good enough?” When lately, it hasn’t been about if it’s good enough. I haven’t really been thinking about what others would think. I’ve just been trying to be faithful to what’s going on in my heart. I’ve just been trying to be honest, thinking that just maybe someone somewhere out there would be able to relate and not feel alone in their struggles. I haven't really been thinking, I’ve just kind of been doing. Not like I’m doing things mindlessly. I just haven't been stopping to think how I would come off to people, how it would change people’s perception of me and liking to me. But suddenly I’m so conscious. I can’t write these talks because I’m so in my head. All I keep thinking is “what are they gonna think?” “is this good enough?” “is this too much?” “is this not enough?” “am I trying too hard?” “who do I think I am?” I get so overwhelmed by all the resources and content out there. I feel like I have to prove myself because I have a theology degree from Steubie. I feel like there’s this expectation of me with my gifts. And I get so stuck.

But maybe it’s not about me. Maybe it’s not about what people think of me. Or how I come off. Or what kind of impressive knowledge I can pass on. Maybe it’s just about being faithful to what the Lord has put on my heart. And what that is is that I am broken. I am hurting. I am confused. I am so lost. But the Lord is asking me to step out. It’s not even like just step out of the boat and onto the water. But it’s like step out of the boat and onto the water with the lights closed. Like I have no idea what’s ahead of me - I have no idea why I’m writing and, more importantly, why I’m writing publicly. I don't know why I’m giving these talks to the youth. I don't even know why I still have a draw to the youth, to be honest. But it’s there. The longing to serve, to write, to speak is there. I can’t deny it. And what I feel like the Lord is asking of me is that even though I feel broken, and hurt, confused, and lost. Even if my own personal relationship with the Lord is being tested right now. I feel like He’s asking me to step out anyway. To declare over my life, over my heartache that He is still good, He is still worthy, and He still loves me no matter what I feel or think on the inside. Truth is truth, and it can never change no matter if my feelings, understandings, or perceptions do. And the Truth is that God is still love. God is still magnificently in love with me. I am still His little daughter in His eyes. He still has awesome plans for me. And I declare that over my life, over my heartache by proclaiming it to the world with my writing, my speaking, my serving. I feel like He’s asking me to look past my feelings, look past my fears, my doubts, my uncertainties and believe anyways, step out anyways. Not because He wants me to follow blindly, no questions asked. But because He has something great in store, He has something more, and I can’t let this temporary season of fear and doubt stand in my way of His great and awesome plan. I can’t let it stand in the way of His love for me and the intimate, personal relationship He wants to have with me. The reading from morning prayer today was from 1 Thess 5:2-6, and it said, “You are not in the dark…No, all of you are children of the light and of the day. We belong neither to darkness nor to night; therefore let us not be asleep like the rest, but awake and sober!” I need to claim my true identity. The truth is that I am a daughter of the Light, I was made for more than this world. This world wants me to question, to doubt, to get stuck in hopelessness, paralyzed by fear and anger. But God offers me more. He offers me light and adventure and opportunity, if only I have the courage to step out of the boat, even in the darkness.

I need to get out my head, in fact get out of my way. Stop thinking about what the fruits could be or lack there of. Mother Teresa said, “God has not called me to be successful; He has called me to be faithful.” So whether my writing, my speaking, my serving bears fruit in other peoples’ lives or not, if anything it’s calling me to greater holiness because it’s calling me to trust and speak truth in the most trying of times. My writing, my speaking, my serving is not so much about the fruit as much as it is about my faithfulness to God. Faithful to the longing, the pull, the desire He’s put on my heart and the love He’s put on my heart for Truth. And faithful to His Truth, The Truth, that no matter what we’re feeling or experiencing, no matter the darkness we feel ourselves in He is still good, He is still the Way, the Truth, and the Life, He is still Light and we are still His children. Truth is truth in every season.

Lord give me the grace to be faithful. Give me a heart for you!

Love, your daughter,

Mare

Glory to God through Mary!

Paradigm Shift

So from a health perspective, I’m doing much better (praise God!). My numbers are looking good. Everything’s pointing in the right direction. But something is still off, and I think it has to do with a conversation I had with a friend recently. She used this term that hit me super hard. She said, “slavery to doing.”

That’s totally where I am. I’m so mad because all my plans have basically been crushed, and all my plans had to do with serving the Lord, serving the Church full time in one way or another. Due to my health, that’s just not possible anymore. Or at least I can’t serve in the way I always wanted to. And that’s one of my biggest frustrations. Because here I am, all the time in the world, things in my life are messed up (at least my plans are). Most people would wild out, take this time to party and live recklessly, rebel. But here I am trying to do everything I can to get better so I can get back to serving. Any sign of good health I take as an opportunity to jump back into ministry. And yeah that can sound really noble, like I have such a devoted heart to the Lord, like Mother Teresa who never ceased serving or praying no matter how hard life got. But no, that is far from the case. I wanna keep serving because that’s the only way I feel worthwhile. That’s the only way I feel good about myself. That’s the only way I feel God will still love me and want me. Because now that I’m stuck in bed most days and all my plans have left me dry, I just feel like the Lord has abandoned me. One of the thoughts I come back to the most is that the Lord did love me when I could offer Him my service. But now that I’m sick and weak, He doesn't want me around. He’s done with me. Bored with me. Over me. He’s moving on to more useful things, more useful people.

This my reality. That, for whatever reason, I feel like God can only, and only wants to, love me when I’m useful to Him. But theres another reality, a truer reality that’s been trying to creep its way into my life. I’ve had flashes of thoughts of it but would dismiss it right away because it’s too beyond me, too foreign, and really, too big, too big of a shift.

I remember when I first got sick in Michigan, it was all about a paradigm shift. I had lived so many years (but most deeply in the last few months) believing that I was unlovable, that no one around me could possibly love me, could want to be around me, could ever truly care about me. But what broke that cycle was when I was at my lowest, when I felt my crappiest, my darkest, when I was most disgusted with myself, I was enveloped by the love of those around me. Not only by the Urginos, who I lived with, but by the constant flow of visitors I had for those 3 weeks. When I felt my worst, the most disgusting, the most shameful and all I wanted to do was hide, my family came running to my side. And I realized that I was the only one who believed I was unlovable. I was the only one who saw myself as disgusting and unbearable to be around. Only I thought it was best I just disappear. No one around me, loved ones, acquaintances, or strangers, no one ever once affirmed those thoughts in any way. And I trusted these people with everything else. So then I thought, maybe I was the one who was wrong. Their presence, the way they literally ran to be my side, how they dropped everything just to be with me, presented this paradigm shift that I actually am loved and lovable. it was the most unfamiliar thought. So foreign I felt like I had to reject it. But the thought that I was lovable was constantly being affirmed by the visits and the love of those around me. The constant support. the listening ears. It was incredible. It was so unbelievable, but I knew, if I wanted to survive I had to learn to embrace it. To push against all the doubt and disbelief and believe the truth that I am loved and lovable, even if it felt wrong. I had to hold on to the truth because to believe anything else would be to believe a lie, would be to fall into the traps of satan. I had to stand in the light even if the only comfortable place for me was to be in the dark. I had to let my eyes, let my body adjust to the light, adjust to the warmth of the sun. I had to let myself get used to not being alone, to let others see me in all my weakness and wounds, and let them still love me. I had to let love in, in a very deep, personal, and intimate way, like I never had before. It was a paradigm shift. And it was the most healing thing for me. It gave me the confidence to actually move forward in the healing process. It made me believe that I was worthy of healing, which meant it was okay to be vulnerable. It was okay to expose my wounds. It was okay to get help. And it led to the greatest freedom I had ever felt. A freedom I never believed was possible.

And now here I am in another rut. This time around I'm cool with people loving me, and I'm cool with opening my heart to love others. That’s not my issue. This time, it’s letting God love me and loving Him in return. This is something I talk about nonstop with whatever youth I'm around, and yet something I'm finding hardest to do and believe. Having a relationship with the Lord and not serving sounds like an oxymoron to me. It sounds impossible. It sounds backwards. It sounds pointless. It sounds wrong. I think I've always felt like to have a relationship with the Lord is to serve him. To serve Him is to have a relationship with the Lord. They’re synonymous and impossible without the other. But now that I'm not working, the question stands, can I still have a relationship with the Lord? Is that possible? Is that even a thing? Because right now all I feel is anger. I feel betrayed because I trusted Him to fulfill the desires of my heart, and He didn’t. I have this anger towards the Lord. Then i have this anger towards myself for being angry because that implies I don't trust the lord. Then I have this anger towards the Lord for making Him appear untrustworthy. I have this shame for my anger. I have this shame because I can’t work. In fact, I am utterly embarrassed that I cannot work, that I cannot serve to my fullest potential. I have this pride like I should be able to serve, like I deserve to get everything I've always wanted. I'm at the point again I just feel disgusting inside. So I feel like I can’t approach the Lord because of all the bitterness I feel towards him, all the doubt, all the shame, all the fear. Why would He want me in this state? Why would He want me now?

But back to my conversation with my friend. She is constantly telling me He doesn't want my work, and that sounds the strangest to me. Like how is that possible He could love me, that we could have a relationship not centered around ministry? Then she said to me, “bottom line, it breaks His heart you think He doesn't love you.” She recently went on a pilgrimage to Guadalupe and shared with me a statue she discovered - the Lord of the Poison. There’s a story of this priest who would visit this statue of the Crucified Lord every day. He would say his prayers and kiss the feet of Jesus. There was another guy who was very envious of this holy man and sought to kill him, so he poisoned him. But the next time the priest went to kiss the feet of Jesus, the statue immediately turned black. Our Lord had taken upon Himself the poison that was in this man. She explained it to me - you think you have to hide your anger, your shame, your frustration, your feeling of being betrayed - but He wants to take it on for you. She said you think He's the furthest from you, bored with you, abandoned you, when really He's the closest. He's molding you to be who He created you to be - free from this slavery of doing, knowing His love outside of doing. She asked me, who said you can’t be angry? Who said you had to do anything for Him to love you? No one, but you.

So here I stand again with the invitation to a paradigm shift. Could God actually love me outside of service? Outside of doing? Could I really matter to Him when I literally have nothing to offer Him? When I am completely empty, weak, and broken physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally? It all sounds so impossible, so outside of this world…but maybe that’s the point. This world says we are only as good as the work we do. The moment we become unproductive, the world says it’s better if we were dead. The world says it’s pointless to keep us living. The moment we have nothing left to offer, we lose all our worth, value, and dignity. But the Lord offers another reality - we are more than the things we do, the things we say, the things we have to offer. His love is completely independent of all that. He offers a reality where His love is free. He offers a reality of freedom. If only I surrender to Him my plans that I think are the only things that'll make me happiest and my life worthwhile. If only I surrender my anger, my frustration, my disappointment. If only I surrender my fear for the future, my doubt, my disbelief. If only I surrender this slavery of doing. Because only then will my worth no longer be based in what I do, then I will be okay with resting, with recovering, with rebuilding. Then I will be freed from this anger. Only then will I be okay with being reformed, molded into someone I never thought I’d be, someone even greater, someone even happier, if I only let Him do as He wants to do. As much as it feels the opposite, I need to hold on to the truth that He is closer than He's ever been before. He is fighting for me more than ever before. He is fighting for my freedom, fighting to untangle me from all these lies that I am nothing without my work.

I feel like I have to hide and do life on my own now. But the truth is, as that black crucifix shows, that He doesn't want me to hide. He wants me to come to Him, and He wants to take it on for me. He wants me to be free in Him. And as unreal as all this sounds to me, I need learn to embrace it. I need to be okay with letting go. I need to be okay with this paradigm shift. Because only then will I not only only experience freedom, but I will experience His love in the way it’s meant to be experienced - free, total, fruitful, faithful. Only then will I come to know Him as He truly is, not as I perceive Him to be, not as I understand Him to be or expect Him to be, but as He truly is, the unconditional loving Father that He is.

Ohh what a foreign concept, but Lord give me the grace to believe. There’s no freedom without surrender.

All glory to God through Mary!

The Forgotten Process

When I set out to start writing more intentionally, I decided that I would be vulnerable. The reason for that is because I see so many beautiful Catholic women around me! I see them in my day to day life, I remember their witness from when we lived closer together, I read their blogs, I watch their videos, I see their insta posts. They’re everywhere, and I admire them so much! And at this point, I have two options. I can either compare myself to them and despair over the fact I am not nearly as holy or virtuous as them, or I can go into my own battle and strive for that same holiness. That’s something I’ve been thinking about lately - holiness isn’t something instant like it may appear in an insta post or blog or video, it’s a process.

So this whole writing thing kinda started when I wrote my blog about all my recent sufferings. It was something I knew I had to write, but I couldn’t just journal about it. I had to post it somewhere because it was just such a beautiful moment the Lord had blessed me with! And the response I got from it was so encouraging I decided to keep writing and keep sharing. For a while I was on this high, so aware of how the Lord was working in my life, so confident in His great love and great plan for me. But recently things have kind of shifted. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m definitely not feeling that momentum I felt when I first wrote that blog. My enthusiasm is down, and in fact, I’m a bit more discouraged and fearful. So I was talking to a friend about it, expressing my frustration like, “Why do I feel this way? I had such an awesome time with the Lord on that retreat! Why do I feel so angry again?” And she said, “That moment you had with the Lord was real, but once we leave that place, of course the enemy tempts us to go back to where we were before. But just because we end up feeling that way again, doesn’t mean that moment with the Lord wasn’t real. It was real; we’re just back in battle.” And then I remembered the one line my Big constantly told me when I was a sophomore in college, “it’s a process.”

The hardest thing for me to remember is that everything is a process, including our life of virtue and holiness. Nothing is instant. I remember a mentor in college saying everything natural takes time, only things that are man-made are instant - like the microwave or even how we communicate these days. But naturally, everything takes time, everything is a process. Which means, just because I have one good day (like that day on the retreat) doesn’t mean I’ll never have a bad day again. But that also means, just because I have one bad day (like today) doesn’t mean I’ll never have a good day again.

I recently went hiking for my first time in a long time. 3 years ago that was almost a regular occurrence for me and my friends. It got to the point I was ready to buy real hiking gear instead of stumbling around in my Nike running shoes. But when I moved to Michigan that hobby took a little bit of a pause. I kept following all these hiking and nature-y people on insta. I couldn’t explore much, but I kept my love for nature, my love for the mountains, and I often thought of the beautiful sights I got to see from my hikes. Those were my memories of hiking, that’s what I looked forward to the most, why I loved following those outdoorsy accounts - the beautiful views, the tall green trees, the way the sun peeked through the branches, the gentle waterfalls, the untouched beaches - all the instaworthy shots ;) And yesterday on our hike that’s exactly what we got. It was a bright, sunny day, but we were guarded by the big trees and led to this simple little waterfall. We took so many pictures! Everyone wanted a shot in front of the falls, and then on this rock, and then on this rock. We had to do solo shots then group shots then selfies. We were so excited by how beautiful it was, we could barely move on with our hike. We were so high off of that sight, so elated. But then the trail continued. And though it was still beautiful, it didn’t seem to matter. We took less breaks for pictures. We just wanted the hike to be over because this half of the hike was all incline - eeek! I was the one who suggested the trail so after a while I couldn’t help but apologize, “Sorry guys, the pictures were deceiving. They didn’t show the incline, they only showed the falls.”

And I feel like that’s how life is now! We only show the good parts, the happy parts, the beautiful parts. But the reality is - everything is a process. Which means everything has its beautiful moments but also its moments of struggle. Everything is up and down. Every beautiful sight I’ve ever come across in my hikes has required hard work. It’s required enduring the heat, being dehydrated because we didn’t bring enough water, being hangry and weak because we didn’t bring enough (or any) snacks. It required fumbling through loose and slippery rocks. It required pushing with everything in me to get up that incline. It required not giving up and persevering to the very end. But you don’t see that. You only see the insta-worthy shots. But that’s what life is. As much as I want life to be instant, that once I reach a moment of happiness and clarity, I forever stay in that state. As much as I want to stay in that beautiful view forever, there’s gonna come a time, I’m gonna have to move on with the trail, and that trail will very well lead to moments of great difficulty, but that trail will also eventually lead back to more beauty, goodness, and happiness. Like our hike! Little did I know, waiting for us in our car was corn on the cob, sausages, yams, crackers, pecan tarts, hot cheetos (the perks of hiking with a mom who’s always prepared!) - so many goodies! Suddenly, it’s not that we forgot the struggle of the hike we had just endured, but suddenly the struggle was worth it. Finally at the end of all it I could say, “well, that was fun.” I certainly couldn’t say it while we were hiking, but at the end of it all, seeing both the good and the harder parts of the hike, I could say it was worth it, and I’d even do it again. At the end of it all, we were encouraged to get back into hiking and do it on a more regular basis, and not give up on hiking completely just because of one difficult part of the trail.

And that’s why I have this blog. To show the other side. To show the forgotten process. That yes there are beautiful Catholic women out there and it can be easy to compare and despair, but fear not because you are not alone in the journey. I am right here with you! I too desire to be holy, to be the woman God created me to be, to be a true Daughter of the King. But like you, I struggle and I fall. I get prideful and I think I can never fall again. And then when I fall and I think I can never get up again. I have moments of intimacy with the Lord, but I also have days when I can barely look at Him, when I can barely speak His Truth, days when I can’t even get myself to pray. I started this blog to tell you, THAT’S OK! It’s ok to struggle because that’s what life is all about. That’s what our faith walk is all about. That’s what makes the end even more beautiful and worthwhile. There’s gonna be beautiful, high moments, but there’s also gonna be dark moments where it feels hopeless…

That’s where I am today. I have been so high lately, breezing through life with my best friends by my side. But tonight was my first time in a few days to have to myself, to let my thoughts flow. I realized, as much as I wish there wasn’t, there is still a lot of anger, a lot of sadness inside me. And instead of waiting for this moment to pass, waiting till I get back on a high and get all inspired to write again, I decided to stick to my original intention - to be vulnerable. Precisely because it’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s ok to be real and honest and admit when you’re feeling weak. (What is life anyways if we’re just constantly faking it and hiding our true self?) Because like I said before, if God is truly on our side, then something good is assured to come out of this, because God only has great things in store for us, life giving things in store for us. And while that is the hardest thing for me to believe right now, I need to hold onto that tiny sliver of hope that He is there even though it doesn’t feel like it. I need to hold onto the truth that just because I feel different today, that moment of intimacy I felt with the Lord on that retreat was still real. I need to hold onto Truth even when everything in me wants to give up and believe the opposite. And that Truth is that God’s love is real, it is personal, it is near, it is close to the broken-hearted, and it is so desperate to hold me in my weakness. The Truth is that God doesn’t just want me in my strong, happy times. The Truth is I don’t have to run and hide because now more than ever, in my moment of doubt and fear and weakness, He wants to cradle me and let me rest in His Sacred Heart. The Truth is that He is not welcoming only to the perfect, the holy, the trusting, but He comes for the sick, the cripple, the unbelieving - and that’s exactly who I am.

So I decided to write today just to say I’m feeling weak and doubtful, but that’s ok. Because God is patient and merciful and calls us to Him even more in our brokenness. I’m writing today to say, it’s ok to be broken. This isn’t the end. There’s still more beautiful sights to come! Hold on!

All Glory to God through Mary!

The Feminine Hero

Last night, I watched Wonder Woman, and to my surprise, it was an explosion of truth! I’m not sure what the comics say about her, what the intent of the author was, or what the intent of the director was, but it spoke so many levels of truth, and the one I want to focus on is that of femininity. I don’t know what people’s impression of her is, but to me, she represented beautifully what the feminine genius is. I’ll try to limit myself to 3 reasons why I found this movie so awesome, and I’ll do so using quotes from a couple of Greats in the Church.

1) “Perhaps more than men, women acknowledge the person, because they see with their hearts. They see them independently of various ideological or political systems. They see others in their greatness and limitations; they try to go out to them and help them” - Pope St. John Paul II

What struck me about Diana (Wonder Woman) was how her heart cried out for mankind. Her whole mission was to get to the heart of the War, where the battle was at its worst. When she gets there, she arrives at a village where she meets a woman who says they have been enslaved. Upon entering the village she sees tortured animals, a child crying for his mother, wounded soldiers laying on the sidelines. Her heart instantly breaks for these people, and she’s quick to jump into action. But Steve, her male counterpart I guess you could say, stops her and says there’s no time to save everyone. Throughout this scene, Steve is constantly telling her she can’t save everyone, almost implying they’re in an impossible situation - there’s no getting past No Man’s Land. There’s another part where Diana is shocked at the violence the men are so drawn to, how they’re determined to fight to the end out of hatred for one another. She expresses her concern to Steve and how they have to do something about this, but he tells her, “Maybe some people are just bad,” again implying that they’re in an impossible situation. But every time, Diana refuses to give up. When Steve says, “we can’t save them all,” she replies “that’s what I’m gonna do,” and she runs into battle. When Steve says it’s a hopeless cause trying to save these men from their evil actions, she refuses to let that be the end. She refuses to give up on mankind because she knows they are just being corrupted (by Aries). She knew that deep down that they were still good. She saw their intrinsic worth when everyone else only wanted to see the evil they've done. JP II teaches that women have this innate sensitivity to see the goodness of the human person, and you can see that so clearly in Diana’s example. She just shows the true beauty and gift of the heart of the woman.

2) “In all these areas, a greater presence of women in society will prove most valuable, for it will help manifest the contradictions present when society is organized solely according to the criteria of efficiency and productivity…” - Pope St. John Paul II

What I feel like he’s saying here is that when solely men are put in charge, things are organized by efficiency and productivity, but when women come into play, we see something else. He says women “bring the richness of [their] sensitivity, [their] intuitiveness, [their] generosity, and fidelity.” They see beyond productivity and efficiency. So with the corruption of mankind, Steve saw little reason to save them because they appear to no longer offer anything good. But Diana saw more than that, she saw more than their evil actions; she saw goodness beyond productivity and efficiency. And what I mostly wanted to point out about this was a specific moment when one of the men on her team wants to give up because of how afraid he was in the last battle, how he appeared to not be as strong or useful, and how because of that he almost seemed to hold them back, thus making him less efficient and productive for the betterment of the team. But Diana’s response was, “But, Charlie, who would sing for us?” I just love that! She saw worth that most people wouldn't see, wouldn't deem worthy and necessary. But she saw his specific gifts, the goodness of his heart and saw that even in his weakness, he still had value and a role to play. I just think that’s so beautiful and something so unique to women. We don’t just see the strict skills needed for a certain task, we don’t just see if someone checks everything off a check list. We see the beauty of their heart, their unique gifts, their particular strengths…at least we have the unique capacity to do that. Haha because I for one do not have the most tender and compassionate heart…yet ;)

3) “To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness – the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.” - Venerable Fulton Sheen

Finally, one of my absolute favorite parts was when Diana ran into No Man’s Land. Just as she was ready to run in, Steve explained that it’s called No Man’s Land because no man makes it past the enemy lines. Once you enter the battlefield you’re pretty much shot dead. But this does not discourage her in the least bit. This was the same scene when Steve says, “We can’t save them all,” and she responds, “That’s what I’m gonna do,” and she runs into the battlefield. As predicted she was shot at right away, but Diana had no fear, no hesitation, she just went forward with all she had. And to their surprise she was more than safe. She was strong and brave and more than holding her own ground. And in that moment the rest of her team, which was made up of men, looked at each other and were not just encouraged but were called on by her heroic actions, and then jumped into battle right behind her. It was Diana’s bravery and devotion to “truth, justice, and goodness,” that calls her team on to be better men, stronger men, to be men of greater courage. Diana’s strength didn't demean her men, but rather it called them on, it held them accountable and even empowered them to be greater, to be the men they were called to be.

I loved Wonder Woman because she was a feminine hero. She was a hero without having to become manly. She was still beautiful, still wore clothes that fit and complemented her body type. She didn’t try to look or act like a man. She didn’t hide the sensitivity of her heart. One of my other favorite parts was literally one moment that could easily be overlooked; in fact, it was probably mostly for comic relief. But when she arrived to the city and got all dressed up to look more professional, as they’re walking to the offices, she gets distracted and says, “A baby!!!” and almost instinctually goes straight for the baby, but of course Steve said there was no time for that. And though he was right, I just love that DC didn’t take that feminine side out of her, because what woman can resist a cutie patootie baby?? I just love that they didn’t compromise her femininity in order to make her a hero. Even when they explain the creation story of the Amazon Women! They say Zeus created them because the world needed peace and love, and the Amazon Women would provide that, which is such the feminine heart! But that wasn't their only job. They were also created to protect! Which yes typically is a masculine feature, but there is also a certain fierceness in the heart of a woman that will stop at nothing to protect her children, be it biological or spiritual.

I love Wonder Woman because she’s a hero that embraces her femininity. And that didn’t mean being anti-men! Which I feel like is so crucial because in feminism today there’s like two extremes. 1) In order for women to have equal pay and equal treatment, they feel they have to act like a man. They have to be tough and ruthless, and they even have to dress like a guy, the whole power suit and shoulder pads thing (not to say there’s anything wrong with a woman in pants, but I’m just saying that was started so women could better fit in with men). 2) In order to affirm the strength and gift of womanhood, they feel they have to put down men, degrade them and make them feel almost useless, like they’re in the way of women (which is ironic because that’s the exact attitude we fight against for women). So it’s like we either totally imitate men to exert fairness or we declare they’re basically useless, and we can do it all without them to illustrate our true strength. But the truth is, as JP II said, “Woman complements man, just as man complements woman: men and women are complementary. Womanhood expresses the “human” as much as manhood does, but in a different and complementary way…Man and woman share equal responsibility from the start.” AKA Man needs woman just as much as woman needs man, and Diana totally recognizes that! She recognizes their importance and how much she needs them to win this battle. She never once resists the idea of having to work with men on her team.

And finally, my absolute favorite line was when Aries was trying to convince Diana of the uselessness of mankind because of how horrible they are, how evil and full of hate they are. He tries to convince her that it’s better they destroy them because they don't deserve gods like them, they don't deserve to be saved and cared for. And Diana’s response (which is actually inspired by Steve, hence the complementarity) goes, “They’re everything you say and so much more. It's not about what they deserve. It's about what you believe. And I believe in love.” Boom baby! No matter what, for the sake of love, a love we’re all called to, a love that is full of truth, beauty, and goodness, a love that is full of mercy, hope, and life, in the name of Love, mankind is worth defending, saving, and redeeming. Boom. Freaking. Baby. Wonder Woman is an unexpected, beautiful example of the feminine genius because even in her strength and heroism, she brings a heart that is tender, compassionate, fierce, and unrelentingly loving and ready to fight for the goodness of mankind’s heart.

...Ok so I didn’t quite stick to 3 points but whatever, it’s an awesome movie for our times and you should go see it! #femininefreakinggenius

All Glory to God through Mary!

#blessed

Today, I don’t have any deep thoughts to share. Today, I just wanna give thanks to God because He knows me so well. He knows what my heart needs more than I do. He knows exactly how to provide for the needs of my heart. And as much as it humbles me to day it, He is true to His promises.

Where is this coming from? Mostly from the last two days. I’m just so grateful for the time He’s given me to spend with people and who He’s allowed me to spend that time with. In the last 48 hours I have caught up and had one on one time with 4 major women in my life. He has just truly blessed me with the best. Because every single one of these conversations has called me on and helped me to be just that much more of a better person. I’ve been called on to not be afraid of the present, to not be afraid to let people in and finally make authentic friendships. I’ve been called on to see the beauty and the gift of my present situation, to see the goodness of what’s around me, mostly the goodness of this place I call home, to be content and at peace with where the Lord has me right now. I’ve been called on to just enjoy the gift of sisterhood, to not be afraid to be myself, speak my mind, and share my life; I’ve been called on to open my heart and really make room and be present to those around me. I’ve been called on to pray unceasingly for my family and to never give up in my service to God no matter how hard it may seem or how weak I feel.

I have just been blessed with the best girl friends, the best Ates, the best people to walk in the faith with. In this last two days I’ve been blessed with so much grace and opportunities to smile again, even at the most mundane things like driving in the car, or eating brunch, or shopping for dresses, to truly enjoy the gift of life and all the strength and abilities I have to live it out as fully as I can. I’m just amazed with how far He’s taken me and blessed beyond words to have the people around me that I do.

And lastly, I just wanted to share this verse from today, “The Holy Spirit will teach you everything and remind you of all I told you,” (John 14:26) because I just feel like it speaks hope, and it speaks promise. He’s saying it because He’s just told His apostles that He’s going to leave. He’s going to suffer, they’re going to suffer, and they won’t be able to go where He’s going. They must be stricken with so much fear at this point. And in that Christ is fully aware and so He speaks hope with a promise - don’t worry, my Spirit is coming, He will be with you, prep you, equip you; you will never ever be alone. And I feel like that’s what the Lord’s been speaking to me these past two days with all these unexpected dates. That yeah I’m in the midst of suffering, yeah I’m scared, but don’t worry I’m always gonna be with you, you will never be alone - and this time He’s making it known through my sisters, whether they know it or not :)

I’m so spoiled to have the friends I have, to have the Father that I have who provides and assures my heart before I even ask, before I even think of asking and realize I’m in need. How He anticipates my needs and goes far beyond than what I could imagine. I’m so blessed to such a love desperate for me constantly surrounding me, undeserving as I am. #amazed #floored #nowords #unworthy

All glory to God through Mary!

This is perfect!

All or Nothing

So today I had a very unexpected date with my best friend. What was supposed to be me and her lifting weights, turned into me lifting weights and sharing all sorts of stories about my life in between my sets in 5 minute increments. Then her responding to me. And boy was it blessed :)

I totally just flushed out everything that I’ve been thinking about dating, about my discernment with religious life, about all my recent life choices. Then I stopped and said, “Ok now can you just tell me what your real thoughts are cause I feel like you have real thoughts, but I can’t tell what they are.” And the first thing she says is, “you kind of have this all or nothing mentality.” Then everything just completely made sense! Well not really, but it did shed a ton of light on the situation! It’s just the funniest thing that she said that because those are the exact words I spent months pondering on when I was in Michigan, “all or nothing.” A bunch of people kept calling me out on it when I was there, and here we are again. They’re all right. I do have this tendency to be all or nothing. For example,

- I’m making this great connection with this guy…why not bear my whole heart to him now

- We don’t agree about this one thing…time to ghost him

- I’m feeling so good about life; I have so much meaning…let me show off my talents, seize the day

- My life is not going at all how I always thought it would go; I’m feeling useless, therefore I must be useless, therefore I have no reason to live…let me never be seen by anyone again, and go die

- Desires religious life…pursues nothing but holiness and shuns everything else

- Looks like religious life isn’t gonna work out like I always planned…screw the holy life, let’s yolo out

I do this. I go from extreme to extreme. If it’s not one thing, it has to be the exact opposite. There’s no in between with me. I like freak out. And that’s where I am with the Lord. I trusted the Lord to take care of me, but then all these sufferings hit, and therefore I thought a life with the Lord is completely useless, so fuck that I’m gonna live a life for myself. Just completely abandon this life of faith I’ve always lived. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been making the most reckless decisions. I’ve been saying things without caring how it can affect those around me. I’ve been speaking in a way, watching things, listening to things that definitely do not build up the Kingdom of God or even resemble a belief in the Kingdom of God. I went from discerning religious life, being super cautious to what can make me holy and avoiding anything that will not, to living a life completely for myself, all about instant gratification, with no regard to the negative consequences. It’s like get 1st place in the race or don’t bother running the race at all.

But my best friend pointed something out to me today – it’s ok to live in the gray area. In fact, most of humanity lives in the gray area. And I got to thinking, maybe that’s ok. Maybe that’s all a part of the whole trusting in the Lord thing. Because the gray area is uncertain. I go from extreme to extreme because it’s certain, there’s no questions about it, it is what it is. I’m either all for the Lord, or I’m completely against him. Either I’m all for the holy life (which apparently in my mind means religious life) or I’m for a completely secular life, 100% devoid of God’s presence. But the gray area isn’t like that. It’s uncertain, it’s uncomfortable. It leaves room for questions. It leaves room for a process. And that’s what got me. That maybe it’s ok to live in the uncomfortable, to live without all questions answers because it’s an opportunity to trust in the Lord, to follow Him boldly, even when it’s dark, even when the path is unclear. It's an opportunity to learn and grow. Maybe it’s ok to be in the process. Not completely at the start of the race where I know nothing and give up on even trying, but also not completely at the end of the race when everything is fulfilled. Maybe I need to allow myself to go through the race, experience the questions, experience the fight to keep going, keep pushing without giving up. Maybe I need to let myself feel the battle, feel the uncertainty, work through my doubts and insecurities. Don’t try to be 100% happy, all put to together, but also not be 100% in despair and give up. Be in the in between.

I always think of this one night I was driving with Ate, and it was super foggy. We were driving on the freeway, and I literally couldn’t see anything in front of me. Thankfully I had driven that road a bunch of times before so I had some sort of idea of where I was going, but I literally could only see where my headlights were shining. And I had to make a serious prayer like, “ok Lord, I can’t see but I’m gonna trust that there actually is a road ahead of me, even though I can’t see it, I’m gonna trust that you won’t lead me astray and that you’ll keep us safe on this road.” I literally had to take it like one foot at a time. It was like the game Trust Walk, having to step forward blindfolded not sure what I’m about to step on, if it’s good or bad, or if there’s even anything to actually step on, but just trusting in the one guiding me that if he says it’s ok to step, then it’s ok to step, and otherwise he’ll catch me if I fall. That’s what driving in the fog felt like that day.

And that’s what I feel like living in the gray is like. At least for me. That I can’t see what’s about to happen. I can’t see what’s the best thing for me. I can’t see if I should go left or right or straight. I can only see as far as my light can reach. I can only see as far the Lord wants me to see. And I could freak out by just staying put, refusing to drive any further, paralyzed in fear. Or i could freak out by completely yoloing out, putting my gas to the floor and driving straight shot without a thought of what’s before me, completely throw caution to the wind. But I feel like this is another call to trust, living in this uncertainty. Drive in the fog, Trust that even though I can’t see it, there’s still something more ahead of me. I can trust His promise that He’ll always provide.

It’s hard not having all the answers, not being in control. It’s uncomfortable. But you know what they say, life begins at the end of your comfort zone! So I have a feeling I am about to embark on my greatest adventure yet!

Phew! Come Holy Spirit teach me how to wait and how to follow and how to trust. Mama Mary stay close to me and show me how it’s done. Help me to trust in your Son by showing me the reality of His heart - his deep love and his true mercy.

All glory to God through Mary!

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