Im torn between lying to people and being honest. With honesty comes a double sided coin. Its a 50/50 chance of people being understanding and me having a shoulder to cry on or me being carted forcibly to a padded room. Which if we are being honest may not be the worst thing in the world. Ive been told so many times over that people are worried about me. And good they probably should be because hell Im worried about me. Im trying to do the right thing and get better but I dont think that I want to. Thats so much fucking work Im tired of hearing you got this your strong. But god damn even strong things have a breaking point and Fuck Im done man. One is not simply made strong. Strong comes from struggle from trauma from life and fuck life just keeps on hurling them bullshits right at me. I cant keep dodging man,I am not even running on fumes anymore that tank is empty.I havent had a solid free day in weeks. 3 kids will kick your ass so hard. Ive had to figure all of that out with my own shit and to say that i am drowning is an understatement. Im not sleeping and noone seems to be taking me seriously when i say its not for lack of tryind and literally exhausting all of my other resources to try. Melatonin, tylenol pm, increased psych meds, dr gave me a sleep med, pot, sex, anxiety meds... hell even fucking yoga and meditation. I cant sleep and even if I fall asleep its shitty sleep or doesnt last nearly long enough... Ive been honest about that. Like hey Ive literally yelled from the rooftops I cant sleep. Im not doing good. I told my drs my therapists all of this. that my depression is worsening they called it grief. I said yeah well Im pretty sure this is the same thing that killed my person so how about we try and help me fix this before you have to give your condolences to my family.But no matter how much I begged or plead or truthed myself out its like it fell on deaf ears... So I went with lying. Or at least half truths the no Im not great but thats to be expected because as long as i keep doing the right things then noone worries... Ive never believed more than I do now that human beings on a mass scale are fucking trash. Not all of them but here lately its been a majority rules. I also learned how incredibly lonely that I am. And that I promise I am not as important to my friends as they WERE to me. I told my therapist that I gave it honestly 5 days before people started to even worry. She said no that cant be. Til I tested it. One of my best friends Didnt notice for almost 3 weeks that I had unfriended her and disappeared. 2 weeks 5 days to be exact... And this was my ride or die since i was 15 like we spoke everyday... and it took her 2 weeks 5 days. to miss me. Let me tell you about getting kicked in the dick by life... Hell some people that claimed to be friends havent checked in in over a month.... so when i say i believe whole heartedly that i wont be missed and that my deaths impact in peoples lives would be minimal.. i mean it
