Written word: A play in one scene
Steve, dressed quasi bohemian, is sitting at a shitty kitchen table with a peeling linoleum top. He’s drinking a glass of red wine and has a cheap bottle (Cock and Bull or Fifth leg or Bowler’s Run or Gossips) beside him. He is looking over some pieces of yellowing paper. Cam walks in with a toasted cheese sandwich and book, he sits at the table.
Cam: [indicating to the bottle] Could I grab a bit?
Cam pours himself a drink and takes a sip.
Steve: Can I read you something I’ve been working on?
Cam: Yeah man - Go ahead…
Steve: Okay - - - alright:
The day was heavy. Ralph dragged himself along with the rest of the weight as his oddly shaped friend asked for a ciggy - “Sure”.
They went along for a while before Ralph said to his mate, “What’d you think of me Mum’s place?” – a thoughtful suck of the durrie – “Dunno, the wallpaper was a bit shit”. Ralph steadied his gaze on a crack a bit up the footpath, “Yeah, all wrinkled – like time’s gone funny”. They continued with a-
Cam: [interjecting] Whoawhoawhoa wow that was fucking awful and I could see it about to go to a really bad place just there St-
Steve: [cutting in] Where…
Steve: Where… ummmm… like whaddaya mean?
Cam: Very fucking shit and everything that is wrong with writing today.
Steve: Okay – but can you give some constructive criticism?
Cam: Construction?!… you’ve given me nothing to construct on. You’ve given me damp gizzards, shitty damp gizzards to construct on. That’s no foundation to work off.
Steve: Hhhhh… just back up your crit with reasons, there’s no need to be an arsehole.
Cam: Sure… ok. Reasons. Let’s go through. [Takes the papers from Steve]. “The day was heavy.”
Ok, not necessarily a bad start; but it does set the bar very fucking high. It’s saying, ‘I’m writing some literature here; Hey! Listen up! I’m writing lit…
No! - What it is is a fuck you! It says ‘Fuck you!’.
And I say ‘very well ‘fuck you’, I will accept that little invective as long as you back it up’.
So it starts with a ‘fuck you’… it starts with a ‘fuck you’ and follows up with nothing! Absolute jack shit.
The second sentence, “Ralph dragged himself along with the rest of the…” yadda yadda is nothing! You shouted ‘Fuck you!” and then just pretended someone else said it! Just looking around, avoiding eye contact, “wasn’t me…”.
[Eyes scan down the page]
Ah! This is what is so very fucking wrong with writing today. Dialogue! No one talks like this. No one, especially someone named fucking Ralph, would ever say, “All wrinkled, like time’s gone funny”. That is shit shit shit shit shit! Is this some kind of dream sequence Cartesian thought-experiment bullshit you’ve spliced in to give your shitty story some edge? Some thoughtfulness? Some depth? Fucking hell… So godawful fucking...
Steve: Well read some of your shit them!
Cam: I just finished a piece.
Cam: Alright I’ll just go get it.
[Runs out and quickly returns with some paper]
Cam: Cool, ok. Here it is:
There was once a sad little rabbit who made some mistakes. He felt bad about this and wanted to make amends. Unfortunately he didn’t know how to do this because he was so small in the world.
He never quite worked out what he could do and remained sad.
What could our rabbit have done? And how could he have gotten to know the world better?
[Cam looks up at Steve who is silent for a moment before speaking.]
Steve: That’s actually pretty great.
Cam: [quickly] It’s very fucking great.
Cam: Very fucking great indeed.
Cam: I’ve actually got a new piece I just started; couple of sentences…
Cam: Yeah, I’ll read a bit:
“Cunt!” yelled the lollipop lady, propped up in the back of her van. ‘That’s the last time I let some fourteen-year-old finger me’ she thought, tiredly watching the whippersnapper sprint out of view.
Steve: Very fucking promising.
Cam: Very fucking promising indeed.